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Scarletdreamer 22-01-2010 06:03 PM

*cuddles everyone*

LauraStar :D is pretty I think. And LauraFriend is nice too.

*huggles LauraStar* I'm sorry that you have so much work!! I have only one class on Fridays, which is amazing... lol... but I have 2 hours of tutoring prior to that class, so that's not so amazing (I'm the tutor). At least it's paid... heh. And I do enjoy it... it's just that it can get tiresome sitting in a box of a room by myself (or with other people, which makes it cramped & claustrophobic) for that long. At least it's not 3 hours each time this term, like it was last term... heh.

*holds LauraFriend gently* I know it's not the same... but hey, it was worth a shot!! heh. I'm sorry that you and your bestie are in an upset with each other... hopefully things will get straightened out. Maybe don't get drunk so much? just a thought, I know it makes you feel better in the shortterm but maybe it's not really worth it? *rocks back and forth*

*huggles Helen* How are you doing?

*hugs Vicki* I wish I could make things better for you, love... sounds like you are struggling so much right now. Is there anything that I/we can do?

Sorry if I missed anyone...

I'm doing meh. Had lunch out & really want to purge now... damn eating disorder!!!! *sigh* The purging urges disappeared for awhile after cutting - I mean, I actually ate something & didn't want to puke it up... heh... but then they returned. :(

I have half an hour before I have to go to tutoring, so I will probably go there early after I finish browsing these forums... and sit & do sociology homework. Heh. Fun. Then soc class, then home for the weekend!! Woohoo... homework time. :(

My car still isn't working (I don't think). I'm going to try it out, see if the EPC light still comes on when I turn it on and drive it a bit, and if it does, I'm going to call a garage and see if I can drop it off on Wednesday. I've been getting rides to & from uni with dad/bestie, so that's been good. GRRRRR...


Strawberry.Bananas 22-01-2010 06:24 PM

Awh Laura, everybody makes mistakes hon. Especially when it comes to things like that. I'm sure it will blow over, you just need to give it time. In terms of wishing it was 'him' holding you I know that one so, so much. There's just nothing that can compare to that. I don't know who 'he' is or what happened but I'm sure it'll get easier. *big hugs*

Thanks April. Yeah, I'm struggling quite a bit. You guys are doing an awful lot just letting me rant and being here for me, but short of getting him back for me, making me keep my job and have some money then there's not really much else you can do. But thank you :)
Sounds like you're having a bit of trouble yourself. I don't really have experience in ED's so I'm useless in supporting on that one, but if you ever need to just talk/rant or anything I'm always listening. x

risenfromperdition 22-01-2010 07:21 PM

:( I want to be better, yet I'm scared to be... I want to get over all of this, yet I don't know how... I am so sick of my life but I don't know how to change it.

heh you sound like me april :/

*cuddles with teddy in corner* tireeed.

Scarletdreamer 22-01-2010 07:41 PM

Ugh. I am really anxious right now but I don't want to "give in" & take a Klonopin... I really need to learn coping skills for anxiety... but it's so difficult!!! I don't know if any of you guys here have anxiety disorder(s) but they suck... panic disorder, whatever you want to call it, that's what I've got. *sigh* I feel panicky right now and there's nothing I can do to calm myself down really except reaching out for help or distracting myself... and both of those are difficult things to do!!

I see my therapist on Monday... :-X I'm nervous. I don't know what we'll be talking about but I'm sure that my feelings about this semester will be covered in the session. No one seems to understand that IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT I AM EXTREMELY CLOSE TO GRADUATION, I STILL FEEL LIKE ****!!! (sorry for the caps... :o) The fact that I am nearly done with school (for now - grad school is going to happen in the future) doesn't help me feel any ****ing better about myself or what's going on in my head.

*cries quietly in the corner*

SoMuchMore 22-01-2010 08:38 PM

*hugs laurafriend* haha i cant believe that you are a laura m too..
Sorry things are rough between you are ur friend right now.

*cuddles april* yes getting paid is always good lol, even if it is tiresome. I think i would get frustrated if i tutored people. And i def understand about anxiety, it really really really sucks. Can you maybe try to explain to ur therapist how u feel about school and whatnot?

*hugs vicki*

*hugs heather* I understand what you mean about wanting to be better but also being scared to. It makes me feel so torn.

Got all the paperwork done for my new job. (So nervous about it btw). Im the new web editor for one of the labs on campus. I want to be a web designer for a career if i ever make it that far.. so this seems to be a good first step. Its funny how well adjusted and happy i can seem about thing on the outside. My friend told me the other day that when he was upset he thought he was covering it up well but several ppl commented that he looked down. He wondered how i did it (he knows about some of my issues). I told him years of practice heh. I tried to make it a joke..

My boyfriend is also trying to push me to get more involved and do more so that i can get into the grad school i want. But he isnt doing it in a way that is helping. He keeps embarrassing me infront of our friends. He keeps saying things like "you dont try hard enough" and whatever.. but its kinda like, im already insecure about my major in front of our friends b/c they are all engineers and think that they have to try harder then anyone ever... i really dont need him making me feel even more stupid. I told him this today. He says he was just trying to push me and that hes sorry it upset me, but he really doesnt understand why im upset about it. I love him, but sometimes it really sucks that he cant understand the way my mind works, even though ive tried to explain over and over again.

Scarletdreamer 22-01-2010 11:43 PM

LauraStar *cuddles* That job sounds cool, but I don't blame you for being nervous - it is a new job, after all - I don't think that anyone, or many people, go to new jobs without being at least a little nervous. :) But I'm sure you will do fine!! It will definitely be a good experience for your future job.

I'm sorry that your bf isn't being very helpful. :( My husband pushes me sometimes but backs off when/if I tell him that that's not what I need from him atm. I don't think that guys can really and truly understand how we females think (we're complicated!! lol) unless you're together for years (i.e., married for 50+ years). Then they might get an inkling. Haha. My husband is still mystified about how I think sometimes, or by things I say, etc... it's rather funny actually. :P

I'm feeling okayish tonight... really exhausted though but it's Friday night, woohoo!!! Tomorrow will be homework day but at least I have a break from classes. You know, I really prefer having all of my classes on T/Th. That way I have a break from classes... this term's schedule I don't get any breaks. :( Really, anyway. Grrrrr.

I'm listening to Natalie Grant right now... not my absolute favorite kind of music, but it's got a good God-message in it. :) And I need to hear that more frequently than I do. It's kind of pop music, and I'm usually into more the hard rock/goth rock music, I dunno.

*wants to go to bed*

risenfromperdition 23-01-2010 02:20 AM

i like natalie grant's lyrics, but no so much the songs themselves lol

risenfromperdition 23-01-2010 02:22 AM

on wed's when term starts up... i have class from 10:20-5 :/ [i actually didnt plan that... sod's law that it'd be when im actually CONSIDERING eating normally >.>] and til 2 on m/f... but the dining hall stops serving proper lunch stuff at 2. SO i'll be having salads and sandwiches every mwf... hell if i know how im eating lunch on weds... which im kinda glad bout but i do wanna get better i think so i kinda not glad bout it but UGH.


MammaMia 23-01-2010 02:24 AM

Boo I got back 20 minutes ago. Am shattered. Will hopefully sleep tonight, have to be up in like 9 hours or so >_>

Scarletdreamer 23-01-2010 10:44 AM

*cuddles Helen* Back from where, love? and I do hope that you got some sleep last night as I noticed that there were no posts since last night. How're you feeling this morning? & how are your best friends doing?

*hugs Heather* I understand the eating dilemma... but here it's okay for me to eat in class - so maybe there too? As long as it's something quiet (like a sandwich) and not something like chips or anything in noisy packaging. I hope that you figure something out... I had a term like that last semester, can't remember now exactly how it went but it was 5 75-minute classes on T/Th with no breaks in between, starting at 10 I think & finishing at 5:15... so yeah. :( It sucked, but it was nice having MWF just to myself & tutoring. :)

*cuddles everyone else*

I'm kind of meh this morning. Have a lot of work to do. Took the Beck Depression Inventory a few days ago - have taken it for several classes but this score was the worst, got a 49 on it and anything over 40 points indicates "extreme depression." Yurghhh. I don't want to report that to my prof. I also got a 415 on a stress scale & anything over 300 means that you're likely to develop stress-related physical problems. Oh joy. (This is all for health psych.) But the 49 on the BDI is the highest I've ever gotten... I think the highest before that was 41, and that was last term in Theories of Personality (where my prof told me to consider anxiety/depression as PART of my personality - i.e., they are permanent & can't/won't be changed :-(). ARGH!!!

I think I will go on WoW for awhile after checking up on other threads here... need the escape before breakfast & the real world. :(

MammaMia 23-01-2010 11:39 AM

Wow we had a quieter night :D

When I said I was back, I meant from my sister's. We travelled up north last night to suprise her at her birthday meal :D It's her birthday today and she was supossed to be going out in the evening. So we went last night. I definately got sleep. Took me til 4am, but can't complain too much. Got a bad headache though :( Got to go out again in a bit to a meet aha!! Emotionally doing good still I think, will probably crash tonight :P My best friends, well J's doing really well :) G, not so well, her and her daughter aren't very well =(

~*Rainbow*~ 23-01-2010 02:23 PM

Can today just be over please???
my mam and dad dont even realise what day it is
He's been gona a year

[Awakening] 23-01-2010 03:51 PM

*hugs Rainbow* I'm sorry todays such a difficult day. Is there anything you can do to make it easier? Would you like to talk about it? x x x

Imaginary_friend 23-01-2010 03:57 PM

thank you for all the hugs and stuff

*hugs everyone*

I'm so tired. i hardly slept last night for stupid STUPID reasons. i am an idiot and i need to be kept away from certain people until i learn to not give them what they want all the time when i know it'll hurt me more.

*collapses in a heap to sleep*

shadowedsoul 23-01-2010 04:38 PM

curls up in ball and crys, stuiped people.

Scarletdreamer 23-01-2010 05:02 PM

*holds those who are struggling especially much*
*cuddles to everyone*

Rainbow, sorry it's such a tough day for you... is there anything we can do to make it any better? even just a smidgen?

LauraFriend, I'm sorry that you had a bad night. :( I hope you get some good rest today/tonight... ♥

Jill, what's up, love?

Meh. Just had a talk with Vince (personal trainer/friend from WoW that we visited in early January) and he said to call him or another friend before I cut next time. I'm not sure if I will actually do it... I don't know, I hate bothering people, but... it's probably a good idea - especially if my NP and/or therapist aren't responding. :-X

So tired. It's been a busy morning... went out for breakfast then did laundry, came home, and I did a bit of schoolwork. Did some at the laundromat as well. I don't have a tonnn that I have to do by Monday, but I do have some... so I really best get cracking on that. Only problem is, it's a confusing assignment. :-X


~*Rainbow*~ 23-01-2010 05:20 PM

thanks guys - my grandpa has been dead a year now - and they promised it would get easier it doesnt - it really doesnt - then to top it all off i have a funeral next friday for a 22 year guy that i was friends with like 15 years ago - but i still have to go and i cant i jsut want to leave and go away and not feel pain anymore.........................

*curls in a ball in the corner*
Just throw a blanket over me - i'll dissappear to work soon

shadowedsoul 23-01-2010 05:25 PM

one of my freinds have been feeding me bull*hit storys, and like a muppet i belive them. im struggling the past week, being wanting to hurt myself badly. and now i got let down badly by someone else. i have enough now. just want to curl up and dissapear. =[

MammaMia 23-01-2010 07:05 PM

*crawls into tent and curls up*

Strawberry.Bananas 23-01-2010 07:23 PM

*Pulls everybody into the tent so we can all cry together*

Scarletdreamer 23-01-2010 07:51 PM

*curls up next to Vicki & lets herself cry for the first time in awhile*

Strawberry.Bananas 23-01-2010 07:52 PM

*Holds April while she cries and offers to listen if she needs...*

MammaMia 23-01-2010 07:56 PM

Wish I could cry. I feel happy but I bloody want to cry.

Scarletdreamer 23-01-2010 07:59 PM

Thanks Vicki... *hugs* Things are just rubbish now between my ears, want to purge & cut but can't do either, don't know what to do about schoolwork, feel overwhelmed, just want to give in... :(

*cuddles Helen* I understand that feeling... well, as well as you can understand any peculiar mix of feelings. You can cry here if you need... or talk... we're here to listen. :)

SoMuchMore 23-01-2010 08:03 PM

*walks in and sits, offering an ear to anyone that needs to be listened to*


*waits until everyone is okay.. then disappears*

Scarletdreamer 23-01-2010 08:04 PM

*cuddles LauraStar* How you doing, love?

SoMuchMore 23-01-2010 08:14 PM

*cuddles vicki, april, and helen*

... no point in talking about how i am, its not going to change. Im fine. I always am.

MammaMia 23-01-2010 08:16 PM

*cuddles everyone*

The following content has been hidden - Reason : mentions lady friend :p

Had my fricking peroid 3 days early. Well I don't know if it is early, all crazy, out of sync and getting more painful. :( Need to go doctros about it :( Made a deal with my best friend that I would but she has go to her gp for something when he gets back!! (All the other gps at her surgury are **** and I should know, I had to go to one when I last visited J. She was so awful and rather ****ing rude. >.>)

Scarletdreamer 23-01-2010 09:01 PM

LauraStar, love, you're not "always fine." No one is. Even if you're fine now (which I doubt, from the tone of your post), it's okay, fine, lovely to talk about how you're doing. Why? Because WE CARE. *cuddles*

Aw Helen, sorry your period is so icky & painful. I hope the GP appt goes okay... do you know when you're going? *cuddles*

I am soo tired... :(

MammaMia 23-01-2010 10:35 PM

Laura, I agree with April. *big cuddles*

April, thanks sweet. No I don't know yet, going to try make it on Monday. Ow :( I hate hate hate this time >_> *cuddles*

SoMuchMore 23-01-2010 10:51 PM

No its really true. its not like i ever do anything thats super final... i mean, even when i OD'd, it still wasnt enough to do anything really bad. So.. see, it doesnt really matter how i am b/c i wont do anything that bad. I talk and talk about anxiety and how hard it can be for me to function on a daily basis, it can be hard for me to leave my house sometimes.. but its not like i can get any of that to change. Ive been to counseling, been on meds.. it didnt help. So, i obviously either have to learn to be fine or figure out a way to make things more final... and im kinda scared of attempting again so... im peachy.

helen - sorry to hear that your "lady friend" (as you put it lol) is a literal pain.

april - that sucks that you're tired. hopefully u get a good nights sleep tonight.

MammaMia 24-01-2010 12:18 AM

Why won't it stop? :(

Scarletdreamer 24-01-2010 01:41 AM

*cuddles LauraStar* It DOES matter how you feel, though. We can learn coping mechanisms for anxiety together... because I'm on meds & in counseling and I STILL have a terrible time with anxiety, social & otherwise. My husband gets annoyed with me since I don't cope very well, and I want that to stop. So we can post about it and figure out ways to deal with our anxiety. And anyway, it really does matter how you feel. You may not feel like OD'ing or doing anything "stupid" but that doesn't mean that your low feelings don't matter. I hope I'm making sense... getting ready for bed and am soo tired.

*cuddles Helen* What's up, love? friends again? or something else?

I'm not doing too great myself tonight. Anxiety is awful... I'm trying to cut down on the Klonopin that I take, so I don't HAVE to take 4mg/day, cutting it down to 3mg when possible, but it's not working too well. I mean, I'm doing it, but my anxiety is through the ****ing roof. :(

The following content has been hidden - Reason : adult
I'm having issues with my sex drive because she's not being cooperative. I'm just not interested in sex.


Well, I'm going to check a few other threads, then off to bed. Nighty night, loves...

MammaMia 24-01-2010 02:24 AM

I meant the pain, seems to have settled down finally at last :) Wanted to try have an early night because the pain was too bad to even bother attempting.

risenfromperdition 24-01-2010 02:25 AM

o.O why on earth were you up so early april? lol.
unless you're not in est in which case ignore me ><

Kahlia1981 24-01-2010 03:51 AM

*hugs everyone*

I'm just going to disappear into a dark corner of the denial tent so that nothing further bad can happen to me.

risenfromperdition 24-01-2010 05:17 AM

*cuddles kahlia*

*curls up in corner hiding*

SoMuchMore 24-01-2010 08:27 AM

ive never been so drunk in my entire life.. hope all are okay.. bye

Scarletdreamer 24-01-2010 11:40 AM

I'm in EST, Heather. :P Up so early? when?... lots of people think that 5:15ish is early, but that's nothing compared to the days when I get up at 3:30am!! lol. Anyway, sorry, no, not making fun of you. But yes, I am in EST. :) How're you doing? *hugs*

*cuddles Kahlia and tiptoes into the denial tent with her* What's up, love?

*huggles Helen* I'm sorry that the pain is so bad... do any meds help with that? Over here there's a bunch of different PMS/period OTC meds that can help... but yours might be too bad for that, probably I'm just being dense & stupid. >_<

*cuddles LauraStar* Sweetie, why'd you get so drunk? Talking is better than drinking, & we're here for you. ♥

I'm really tired... lol. We went to bed at 9pm, got upat 6:20am, so a decent amount of sleep... it's just that I'm ALWAYS tired. And I do mean always. >_< Poopy.

I has a kitty in my lap again!! and he wants snuggles - anyone want to share kitty snuggles? :P

Gonna go target shooting again today at my parents' if the weather is cooperative. :)


[Awakening] 24-01-2010 11:43 AM

Can't offer much more thann cuddles right now. Sorry

Don;t feel good. Creeps into denial tent for a long stay...

Scarletdreamer 24-01-2010 01:31 PM

Aw, what's up, Joc? *gentle cuddles*

I'm doing okay... feeling a little worse than earlier, mentally, just want to curl up & hide forever. I am so sick of uni and work and deadlines and it's just the end of the first week!!! (or beginning of the second week, however you want to look at it)


MammaMia 24-01-2010 02:01 PM

*cries because she can't in real life*

Just when you think things are on the up, life comes back and gives a huge bite in the arse. (Y)

[Awakening] 24-01-2010 04:34 PM

*hugs Helen and April*

I know what u mean Helen. Life can be mean :'(

April, I'm sorry u feel crap. Are you trying to pace urself, workwise?

I don't know really, just feel crap. Had an anxiety attack last night. I've never had one before :-( I think it was because id done too much in the day and was mentally and phsyically exhausted :-/ not sure if that makes sense. And if that was from just having Ethan for a night and day (with a break from my lovely parents) then i don't know how im gonna cope with uni and placement this week.

*wants to curl up in a ball and escape from life for a while*

Strawberry.Bananas 24-01-2010 04:56 PM

I'm sorry guys, I can't do individual replies but *hugs all*

I'm struggling so much. :(

Scarletdreamer 24-01-2010 06:02 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Lemme try and be the strong one for a bit, take the weight off of everyone else's shoulders...

[strong one]

*huggles Jocelyn* I'm so sorry that you had an anxiety attack. I've had those before; they're no fun. :( What you said does make sense. How are you feeling this afternoon/evening?

*squishes Helen* Yer, I come here to cry because I can't IRL as well. It sucks horrifically but it's the best I can do. What's going on? care to talk about it?

*snuggles Vicki* What's going on, love?

[/strong one]

I feel like **** myself. Headache, just want to lie down & go to sleep but my husband is going to want me to go and target shoot with him & my dad. I want to but I also want to lie down & sleep for awhile... sooo ****ing tired!!!!

The following content has been hidden - Reason : ed trig
I ate a huge lunch & now want to purge so badly... I was fantasizing about it on the way here and now I don't know what to do. It feels like if I think about it hard enough I'll just throw up. I guess that's not a good thing? I know that it's not healthy but at the same time, I can't help but want to do it. :(


SoMuchMore 24-01-2010 06:30 PM

*hugs april* that sucks that your so tired and have a headache. keep fighting the ed urges. Even though i know its hard.

*hugs helen* yea life can really suck sometimes. Sorry its giving you such a crappy time right now. Wanna talk about whats wrong?

*cuddles vicki* you okay?

*hugs jocelyn* anxiety attacks are horrible... ive had them before as well.

sorry about my pointless drunken post... i dont really remember posting on here but whatever i guess. i know getting drunk isnt the best idea always.. but i mean, it was fun and distracting this time. Got a lot to do today, hw wise. My friend wants me to talk to him again tomorrow. Although im still kinda not seeing the point in talking anymore.

Scarletdreamer 24-01-2010 07:05 PM

*cuddles LauraStar* No worries about your "pointless drunken post," hehe... it's fine. I'm glad that it was fun & distracting this time but be careful, limit it & all of that. I'm sure you know the lectures about the "dangers of alcohol" - lol. :) Is this a friend or a "friend"? and why don't you see the point in talking to him? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, just curious.

I did go target shooting, shot 28 rounds out of my pistol before my arm got too tired. :-X Jarrod's still out there shooting & so is my dad... I feel like a wimp but oh well. :(

I'm really tired & just picked up a piece of (healthy - s/f, l/f) food... stupid me... but I really do FEEL hungry, despite the fact that I was full half an hour ago. Still want to purge. :(


SoMuchMore 24-01-2010 07:33 PM

April - if your hungry its okay to eat. Your def not stupid. I dont know anything about target shooting.. but i doubt that you are a wimp.

Hes a friend. He's one of my best friends. I just still cant really see why i should talk anymore. I feel like he only initiated it because he feels bad if he doesnt. I dont want to whine to ppl when nothing is going to change. I just feel like i will worry him pointlessly.

MammaMia 24-01-2010 07:53 PM

*cries and curls up in the denial tent*
Everything's just finnnnne.

Strawberry.Bananas 24-01-2010 08:30 PM

No, I'm not ok. I know this is stupid, all over a break-up, but...I can't explain it.

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