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Snuffles 20-01-2009 01:03 PM

*bangs head against wall*

Glad tonight is nearly over

zowie 20-01-2009 01:55 PM

Ah ha! I have found my old nose ring!
Looks a bit odd as I have both nostrils pierced, and am now wearing a stud in one and a hoop in the other. But hey, it's better than wearing a big earing in it.

MammaMia 20-01-2009 02:14 PM

*hugs all*

Haven't gone for a walk yet. Am so worried about a couple of people right now amongst other stuff. Feels too much right now to deal with one by one. *sighs* Some things I just can't deal with? =\

wildly insane 20-01-2009 05:20 PM

leaves hugs for Jetforce, Ileana, zowie, mary anne

*hugs snuffles hope being home alone is okay, keep fighting *

*hugs Secrets* good luck with your exam

*hugs shadowedsoul* hope things get better soon, keep aiming for that smile.

*hugs MammaMia* take it easy, and slowly if that's what you need to do.

*hugs Ravynsoul* hey hun, things will get easier

tried getting a nurses appointment to see whether it was time I could take my steri strips off as the nurse said I had to check cos the wound was a bit too deep, and it was too old to stitch, but the receptionist said that they don't have a free nurses appointment until next week!!!! WTF, I can go back to the drop-in centre where I got them done but I didn't like the nurse and have to wait hours and I don't have time to do that at the moment. She did say I could take them off myself so that's what I'm gonna end up doing.

*leaves a bundle of hugs for anybody who needs them*

Kahlia1981 20-01-2009 07:00 PM

We have internet at home. If I was feeling a bit more ... lively/upbeat/happy/whatever ... I'd give you a cry of joy at that. At the moment ...

I'm now enrolled in two subjects in SP1 at uni. The academic advisor offerred me a choice of 2 subjects to take on as my second subject but when she mentioned the name of one she took note of the retching sound and the look on my face. I said I hated multimedia and she actually said that she had to agree with me on that point ... That it seemed completely pointless spending hours making a little ball bounce around the screen. For SP2 I have one core subject and 5 electives to choose from. Meh.

My appointment with the pdoc did not go brilliantly. I told him about my ana thoughts and urges and my recent weightloss and he told me that the weightloss was something I could do with because I wasn't underweight to start with. I don't know if he realised it, but that triggered two things.
  1. The thoughts - I must be so fat, I must give in to the ana thoughts and urges so that I can lose weight, I should not be eating, obviously only thin girls can have disordered thinking about eating, I don't matter, I don't deserve to live ... et cetera
  2. The desire - to get down to the weight that he mentioned so that I can say to him "does my weightloss and disordered thinking about eating matter now?"
Add to that a few other things that happened and I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to scream and cry and SI. None of which I can really do. I just want out.

*curls up in corner willing the tears to start*

* * * * *
Sorry for being so selfish. I hope that you all are doing okay, or at least surviving. *offers hugs to everyone who would like, and can accept, them*

MammaMia 20-01-2009 07:13 PM

You not being selfish Kahlia

*cuddles you tightly and then cuddles all who are able to have a cuddle*

Damnation. 20-01-2009 08:21 PM

*Headdesk*

Eclectica 20-01-2009 08:31 PM

a normal day out to the gym turnd horrible insidee

bored of food. mother gave us food for first time in weeks. normally feed ourselves. forcing the food now. dunno why its like this. cant actully be bothered to eat. only eat food given.

she agreed to let us save up for a fish tank one day too

very triggered though. fishtanks are nice but heavily involved with the past

hugs for all
sorry for rambling

Eclectica 20-01-2009 09:01 PM

ok scared now. friend claims i blocked him when i didnt and claims i talk bullshit.

it really hurts, and this is what has me paranoid all day every day for a month now. but now its happened.

dunno what to do. its silly.

Ileana 20-01-2009 09:47 PM

Does anyone have any allergy medicine? Is there even a medicine cabinet here in the ward? I have serious allergies today. Sucks.

MammaMia 20-01-2009 11:55 PM

Sorry I haven't properly responded to posts that were written to me xx

wildly insane 20-01-2009 11:58 PM

*hugs Kahlia* if I were you I'd get another pdoc, you really don't need that, *offers, nice cuddly duvet to snuggle in, and a shoulder to cry on if you need one*

*offers Ileana some antihistamines, hope they work*

*hugs Katricia and anybody else who drops by before I fall asleep*

*goes off to fill up hot water bottle*

ravynsoul 21-01-2009 12:18 AM

*offers hugs*

Hannah - *hugs back* *gives you a teddybear to go with the hot water bottle.* Hope you have a nice sleep. Did the steri-strips come off ok? I agree, stupid nurse :S

Helen - *cuddles back* how are you doing?

Ileana - sorry to hear about your allergies; hopes the anti-histamines work... offers some calamine lotion to reduce any itchiness..

Katrica - *hugs* sorry to hear that people have been making up stuff and that you're feeling paranoid; hope that when you get the fish tank it will only be filled with good memories of the present and future..

Dayna - what's wrong?

Kahlia - *hugs back* you're not selfish at all.. the stupid doc should think about what he says!! he doesn't know what he's talking about. glad to hear about the internet access, but hope the triggeredness passes quickly

Arwen/Zowie - that actually sounds cool with the two different nose rings :)

Katie - *cuddles* hope tomorrow brings better things

Mary Anne - how was work for you today? thanks for the hugs and cookies!

Jade - how are you doing today? *cuddles you*

Emma - *hugs back* how are things going for you?

Jem - *thanks for the muffins* How have you been?

Secrets - hope your exam went well, let us know how things are
--
man, lots of food in here! *offers hot chocolate and marshmallows*

finally starting to feel somewhat clearer head again... less low, more neutral/numb.. better functioning at least..

*leaves hugs for all those I've missed [stupid brain!] and/or haven't checked in for a while*

ravynsoul 21-01-2009 12:19 AM

wow; sorry that ^ was long; I need to start checking in more frequently..

Damnation. 21-01-2009 03:14 AM

Bleh. Guess I ought to check in properly. Sorry that I'm not gonna reply to people individually; I'm too tired of concentrate. I've been doing that a lot lately...sorry :sweat:

Anyways. My housemate and I went to see the council today (and giggled at the nutter standing outside with a polystyrene sandwich board saying 'CORRUPT COUNCIL' on it), got to see a woman, explained the situation and that.

And what she suggested was to go to court, ask to see a judge and take along proof of benefit and our eviction warrant with us. Then explain that explain that we haven't found anywhere else yet, and that if we're still in the same situation when the bailiffs arrive, it could cause substantial hardship (being homeless tends to do that, I'd imagine =B), and ask if we would be permitted to have more time.

Nothing's guaranteed, either, the judge might still say 'nah, you're out on Tuesday', or we might get an extention on our deadline. We've joined up with SelectMove.com I think, but we haven't been a fully fledged member for long enough for it to actually do us any ****ing good, seeing that we'd be bidding against 4574756645843534756 other different people for a ****ing house. And they tend to go to people who've been on SelectMove longest.

So, if worst comes to the worst, and we still haven't got anywhere to live by the time bailiffs arrive, ONLY THEN will the council get mine and my housemate's medical background and **** from our GP, to see whether either of us could be classed as vulnerable. So, we'll be turfed out of our home, but HEY, at least I'll get classed as vulnerable and put on the high priority list! :thumbup: That'll be a great ****ing comfort when we end up sleeping Christ knows where.

Got my happy pills today, as well (and accidentally licked the one I took today - tasted disgusting x_O), and my housemate seems to have told my gran, who told my dad that I've been prescribed something. I'm...awkward about that. Especially since my housemate discovered that I'm still SI-ing. Heh, that was let slip at the council, when I was talking a bout the stress the eviction had put on me, and she was like 'you haven't started cutting again, have you?'

Just so long as she didn't tell my family <__<;; seeing they all still think I'm in recovery and the like.

[/Rant]

EDIT: OH! And there was a place we were looking at for rent, and my housemate got a call saying that they would only accept cash as an advance monthly payment (we're gonna look into getting a loan for that advance payment). So we can't go there, either *sigh*.

It's kind of sad that I've already contemplated ODing on my antidepessants >_< *rocks in corner*

Pomegranate 21-01-2009 06:48 AM

I am sorry things are so hard for you atm Dayna. Hope your housing gets sorted soon. Please don't OD on your AD'S. It won't fix anything hun *cuddles* sorry my words are so **** atm.

----------

I know logically that they aren't against us but I can't make myself take the meds. I need to hurt, to scream, to bleed, to die. I am going to stay up until Rebecca or Sarah start work. I need to be honest to them. They won't lie. I trust them. *sits and rocks* I just want to be safe, safe from myself and the world.

Snuffles 21-01-2009 08:05 AM

*cuddles Dayna* I.. feel your pain to an extent. The house is officially on the market as of today. I looked it up online and it's already had over 200 hits. We looked at a place yesterday but they were asking for a weeks rent deposit (which we would get back if we don't get accepted) but we had to ask his mum for the money coz we have none. Ok I do have some but that is for uni. If I use that money now well by the time i go back to uni I'll have nothing to spend on books etc. It's already going to cost me over $200. Grrr. Another place we looked at today, was a unit. It was good but there were SO many people. I'm starting to stress. It's bad enough I'm just a student and BF doesn't have a job yet so their not going to give it to us if there are people who do have jobs. Then this is the only place i have rented so it's my only experience. I hope the house doesn't sell quickly, but I fear it will and then we will have our own time limit to get out. Argh. Gonna ring my counsellor next week.. see if we can get any help ay. It's just soooo stressful. We looked for a place this arvo.. but there were SO many other people. I just don't feel so confident....

Argh.. anyways, I hope it sorts out for you Dayna *cuddles* thinking of you hun.. please be safe.

Oh we were naughty and got some alochool. Woops. :blush: But better then doing something else right ;-)

Ugh i dunno.. i just want this to be over.. i have uni starting in just over a month.. ack.. wish this all would end.. id look for a job but i know so many other people have had no chance finding one coz of all this economic ****.. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

sorry guys. i hope u all are ok. i have read through replies.. im more a lurker these days just devoting posts to myslef *rolls eyes* but *hugs to all* Anyone for smarties??? :-p

ravynsoul 21-01-2009 11:23 AM

Dayna - *hugs* hope things go okay in court and that you some extra time. Sorry to hear that the Council wasn't more helpful to you.. hope things get resolved for you soon! Please don't OD on the AD's... it will just make things worse. *leaves more hugs*

Emma - *hugs* how are things now? Did you get to talk to Sarah or Rebecca; I just saw your post in the other thread [lorazepam is an anti-anxiety/sleeping pill.. i've taken them before]. Hope you are feeling more safe and that they were able to help you. *sits by you to keep you company*

Katie - *hugs back* smarties! sweet! :) Sorry to hear about your housing situation too! If real estate in Australia is like it is here; once the house is "sold"; then there is a bunch of paperwork to be done by the lawyers for the buyer and seller; so it takes a little bit of time. Hope you find somewhere soon.

*leaves hugs for everyone else*

Mary Anne 21-01-2009 12:51 PM

Hi everyone.

Just read through everyone's posts, hope you are all okay.
Dayna - you did make me smile - I think I only ever once tasted an AD - never again, mine taste like when you accidentally chew a paracetamol!

Meant to come in last night but was having a really low night which continued into day, lots of tears and feeling down on myself. Don;t see a way out of this hole :(

Kahlia - glad to hear you are connected again.

Everyone else, sorry for lack of proper reply, will try to drop in again later.

*leaves hugs and brownies* (I just had one - yum)

zowie 21-01-2009 03:11 PM

Had a great night last night. wahaay! xxx

Eclectica 21-01-2009 05:20 PM

**** SAKE. I just typed a whole essay and now the page refreshed.

Basic outline.

SHing more again. Never truely stopped but it's beginning to come back more and more again. Getting the really good release again...

Told my mum my latest bother; an alter (MPD whatever) is really playing up. He's put me in hospital three times with serious SI and is threatening to do it again. But not sure if he will or not, if he's just threatening/pissing me off.

Takes 'control' in a sense with SI and gets THAT close to making it so bad I have to go to hospital, then stops and let's me focus again. And repeat. Kinda like how a kid would play chicken. See how far he can go without putting my life in SERIOUS danger/putting me perm in hospital kinda thing. So as well as general torment of making me come close to panic over serious SI and stopping just before, he's also playing chicken...

Anger rising again daily. Building up again. This is how it all began last year, I think...

MammaMia 21-01-2009 05:35 PM

RAWR.

What a **** day.

Can it be over please?

I make everything worse for myself, why why why?

*rolls eyes and sighs*

wildly insane 21-01-2009 06:25 PM

*hugs all* sorry to hear how **** the day is for some of you.

*Hugs Shell* thanks for the teddy, tis nice a cuddly, all seems okay :satisfied:

*hugs Dayna* hope the house thing gets sorted soon, ODing just makes things worse, not better, tis really not worth it

*hugs Emma*

*hugs Snuffles* hope you get somewhere soon, but Ravynsoul is right, should take ages for a sale to go through.

*hugs Mary Anne and Zowie*

*hugs Kat* sorry I can't offer more, but please rant and rave at us as much as you want in the hope that it will make you feel better.

*hugs MammaMia, offers a cup of tea and a big comfy sofa to relax in*

Me, am okay, am going to be shitting a brick though as my interview is tomorrow and I don't think I've wanted anything more in my life, as long as I go in there and give the best interview I can..... talking of which I need to go and make dinner and prep some more so that I know exactly what I want to get across.

*hugs again* ooh I've just had a thought, can we have a lovely open fire to warm ourselves against in this ward, assuming everybody's safe here? I love fires, they're so cozy...

Damnation. 21-01-2009 06:35 PM

K;fjerlkyjhekrlyjrtklyjerklyjeljelrtkljmyuklju.

**** It. **** It. **** It. **** It. Just **** It All!!

Eclectica 21-01-2009 06:44 PM

Dayna, i'm still sorry, but... I dunno what to suggest now. It's ****ing wrong. I don't want you hurt even more though. No idea what to do.

Damnation. 21-01-2009 06:46 PM

Kat, please try not to be sorry. It's not your fault

Kahlia1981 21-01-2009 06:47 PM

*leaves hugs for all*

Sorry no words at the present time.
I want out.
:Emoticon(14):

Damnation. 21-01-2009 06:49 PM

I know the feeling, Kahlia *hugs tightly*

Kahlia1981 21-01-2009 06:54 PM

Thanks Dayna.
I think I'd like to unscrew my head and take it off my shoulders so that it can sit there and feel like crap on its' own and I can get on with things ...

Pomegranate 21-01-2009 07:17 PM

My CPN called my psychiatrist to see when he could next fit me in so we could come up with a long term treatment plan. My 'urgent' appointment is the 20th April. I'm clearly fine. Everything I am doing to myself is clearly ok.

Auburn Shadow 21-01-2009 08:41 PM

*sigh* everything's slightly ****ed

MammaMia 21-01-2009 10:30 PM

Sorry evryone's doing so **** *cuddles*

I'm also ****ed. Have a meeting tomorrow about missed assignments/lectures. Crapping myself. Everyone's just like explain it's been due to depression & what not like I did in the email. Still scared though. Trying to tidy my room & pack my bag for tomorrow but keep rembering things I need to do/find/etc. >>.<<

wildly insane 21-01-2009 11:18 PM

*hugs MammaMia* good luck with the meeting tomorrow, remember to breathe :)

Kahlia, I think that would be such a great thing to be able to do, although if I could take my head off, I'd lose it somewhere, scatty me, *hugs*

*hugs everybody who's having a shitty day, provides a good shower of endorphins, rainbows, sunshine, tea, cookies, ooh and a puppy, in a vain hope that it may make somebody feel slightly better*

ravynsoul 22-01-2009 12:00 AM

Hannah - did you say puppy? and a fire?.. i don't think i ever want to leave here! what's the puppy's name?? Good luck on the interview; it seems like you've been preparing quite well for it. I'm having brain freeze though and can't quite remember what it's for... i'm fairly certain you told me... let us know how things go!

Helen - good luck with the meeting; I think you need to be honest and let them know what's going on, that way they can offer help... i would be scared too; but just think tomorrow this time it's all over; good or bad, it will be behind you and you will be able to move forward.

Hana - what's wrong? Do you want to talk about it? *cuddles you*

Emma - *hugs you* that's frustrating... it sucks that it's taking so long for them to help you.. it doesn't mean, though, that they think everything is ok... unfortunately waiting games are part of it all :S It'll be over two months of waiting by the time I get to see my psych; and earlier this year I had to wait two months before i could see the psychiatrist.. not fun when you're not feeling well. Can they put you on a waiting list, for if there are cancellations?

Kahlia - wouldn't it be nice if we could do that? *hugs* Hope things get brighten for you.

Dayna - *hugs* what's going on? do you want to talk about it?

Kat - *offers lots of safe hugs* that sounds like a frustrating/scary situation you have with your alter... wish I could offer some help; but i don't know what to say... but am thinking of you muchly.

Arwen - Glad to hear you had a great night! What did you do? Hope things are good tonite too!

Mary Anne - mmm brownies! thanks! sorry to hear you are in a low spot; i know it may seem hard to believe right now, but you will find a way out.. it's just not necessarily gonna be great in the interim. *hugs*

*leaves lots more hugs* *stokes fire* *offers the puppy treats*

--
today was fairly well other than that I'm coming down with a sore throat. :S But it could be worse, I guess. My mom was in my room yesterday and I'm scared she may have seen a book I have about SI/SH... don't know what to do/think.. am worried about it.. :S

Damnation. 22-01-2009 12:50 AM

Ravyn: My...friend. The one I've had the issues with. He...was stringing me and three other girls all at the same time...

Telling us he loves us. Saying he loved me, then being cold with me. Then moving onto another. Bugging us all for...pictures. Things like that. I genuinely, genuinely loved him, so much that it hurt knowing that I'm in England and he was in America. And now I don't know if anything he said was true. I know it's not my fault, that he's to blame, he was manipulative and got several of us under his spell, but I feel stupid, and a whore

Damnation. 22-01-2009 12:51 AM

OH. And he tried to use MY ****ING EVICTION as an excuse for not telling us all about it

ravynsoul 22-01-2009 12:56 AM

*hugs Dayna* First off, you are NOT stupid and NOT a whore! That is incredibly awful of him!! don't know what to say.. so just sits with you and offers hugs.

ravynsoul 22-01-2009 12:57 AM

i wish I could yell at him and hurt him for hurting you...

Damnation. 22-01-2009 01:22 AM

*Hugs back tightly*

I told my housemate, as well, 'cause she'd end up finding out sooner or later, and my God. She's normally a wonderful, wonderful woman, but she got so angry, it scared me o_o;.

Housemate: How are you?
Me: Eh, I'm okay
Housemate: Are you sure? You don't seem it
Me: It's just problems with [name]. ...He's been stringing all three of us along
Housemate: *Angry* ...What?
Me: He's been stringing all three of us along
Housemate: *Practically explodes and demands to have his email address and saying she's gonna kill him*
Me: O_O!!!! We'll manage it ourselves! We've all been talking. Seriously, we're gonna handle it ourselves o____o;;;;;
Housemate: *Hugs instead*

Scary housemate is scary when angry

ravynsoul 22-01-2009 02:23 AM

wow! ya, does sound scary!


[and might I add.. your facial expressions in text definitely are awesome!]

Damnation. 22-01-2009 02:32 AM

Yeah...and lol, thanks. The stupid thing is, I still feel like I love him x_x. I just want to be comforted by him, even though it's his ****ing fault I'm so hurting in the first place >_<

ravynsoul 22-01-2009 02:36 AM

I don't think that's stupid.. think of it this way.. he's been your support for a while, and when you feel bad you're used to being comforted by him and it helps. Now, you're hurting, and even though it's because of him, your old patterns [i.e. seeking comfort from him] aren't gone to change instantneously [although that would be nice].. so in a way it makes sense that you would want him to comfort you, cuz that's worked in the past.

don't know if that makes sense.. it made more sense in my head..
but ya, feelings don't often change as quickly as we'd like.. :/

Damnation. 22-01-2009 02:45 AM

Yeah, it makes sense. I just hate it. I wondered earlier if finding all this out instantly made me hate him but no, of course not. No, I still have to have feelings for him. And ugh, he was trying to emotionally blackmail us and **** as well.

He was going on about killing himself to one of the other girls. And he said something about he didn't want to hurt anyone, so I laughed myself stupid, told him exactly why I thought that was bullshit, and he gave me a longwinded reply that began with 'then kill me'.

I won't tolerate emotional blackmail, especially when said emotional blackmailer is the ****ing one in the wrong in the first place. The only reason I think he didn't try it with me was because when he said that 'then kill my' reply, I retorted with an eye-rolling emote and said something like 'my apologised if I can't sympathise with your 'pity me' **** right now'.

URGH

ravynsoul 22-01-2009 02:50 AM

urgh! emotional blackmail is evil! [imho] Good for you for not taking it from him... i hope your feelings get sorted out sooner rather than later.. from a past relationship, it took me a long time to get it sorted out [but then i don't deal with my problems to begin with] but once i did, it felt so much better.

well... i have to head off to bed or i'll be not able to focus at work tomorrow... *hugs* i hope he stops being so mean soon!.. take care of yourself! I'll try and check-in in the morning.

Damnation. 22-01-2009 02:56 AM

Well, when he discovered that I knew about his lies, he eventually IM'd me. We had a rather awkward conversation, and he said he was going to take his leave. He hasn't IM'd be since, and that was several hours ago. I wonder what's going to happen tomorrow.

*Hugs back* Speak to you tomorrow, and sweet dreams

Damnation. 22-01-2009 06:22 AM

*Rocks in the corner* It feels like everything's crumbling to pieces >_<

wildly insane 22-01-2009 09:06 AM

Thanks Shell, will let you know how it goes :-)

*hugs Dayna* sorry to hear he's been such a ****, you have got to give yourself time and don't beat yourself up about it, sorry not more help *offers more hugs*

*hugs all round* gotta go though *stokes fire and feeds puppy* anybody any ideas for a name?

zowie 22-01-2009 10:42 AM

*Hugs Dayna*

Names for a puppy? I like calling my animals SinClair. I had a rabbit called Rabbit SinClair and think that you should call your puppy Puppy SinClair *Nods*

Went to an appointment at a day hospital yesterday, it went okay and I've been invited to the art therapy on Tuesday. I spent the rest of the day sleeping.

*Leaves hugs for everyone and thinks it's about time for a cigarette*
xxx

mouse in darkness 22-01-2009 11:06 AM

Hi all. The mouse is back and online, Yey!

Just checking in hope all are ok and doing well.

*Leaves hot chocolate and chocolates for every one. Hugs*

ravynsoul 22-01-2009 11:28 AM

Hi Nicole! Good to see you again! thanks for the chocolate and hot chocolate. How are you doing?

Arwen - I like Puppy SinClair. :) Glad to hear that yesterday went ok. Art therapy sounds cool... have you been before?

Hannah - Hope the interview goes well! Looking forward to an update.

Dayna - *cuddles and sits by you* don't have words, but i'll stay by you.

*leaves hugs for everyone else* Hope everyone is doing okish.. Have a good day/night.

take care.

*stokes fire and sets out dog food*


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