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Mary Anne 02-12-2008 07:34 PM

Ahh, what a s*** day, car broke down (would not start, had to get a new battery after work), fell on ice getting to bus stop, got soaked walking from bus to work, oddly work was ok.
I got the provisional back to work interview to make sure I am okay (they actaully thought I would not be back until the New Year) I actually cried during it, whoops.
Then the scum bag emailed me, totally upset me, then he came round once I got home, he is still talking to the nasty girl (I won't use my normal word for her but it begins with 'w').
I feel totally crap :(

*curls up under a blanket in the corner*

~*forever_broken*~ 02-12-2008 08:07 PM

*sneaks in and hides in a corner*

no good for anything right now

so sorry

just gonna hide in this corner for a while

MammaMia 02-12-2008 08:37 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Kahlia1981 02-12-2008 10:03 PM

I really hate this time of year .... speaking of which I need to remember that tomorrow is dad's birthday. I've had a large number of "significant events" happen to me in my past throughout the xmas period and I don't cope well with it. It gets to me. Like, walking in to a shopping centre or similar and there is xmas music playing .... drives me insane. Not to mention that because it's the last week of school for Prep to Grade 9, there are more than the usual number of kids around. Don't get me wrong, I like children, but I don't cope well when it's so hard to move inside the shops. Aaagh!

I'm sorry I'm not good for much at present. I'm just going to curl up in the corner with a teddybear and see if I can remember how to cry.

*leaves cuddles for all*

MammaMia 03-12-2008 09:35 AM

*snuggles you tight* Congratulations on being 100 days free!!!

Kahlia1981 03-12-2008 09:47 AM

Thanks Helen. The support is much appreciated.

zowie 03-12-2008 01:33 PM

Congrats Kahlia!
I've decided I'm going to try and stop SHing again. My bracelets came today and I am two weeks free today. Let's see if I can make it to a month ! x

Kahlia1981 03-12-2008 01:40 PM

Thankyou zowie. Good luck on trying to stop.

MammaMia 03-12-2008 01:46 PM

*cuddles you both*

I better go get ready to release these balloons :(

mouse in darkness 03-12-2008 01:49 PM

Am finding it hard to cope at the moment. My thoughts arn't good so Iam trying to distract myself its not working at the moment.
"Hands out blankets and got drinks, and goes into the cubourd"

Louise 03-12-2008 01:57 PM

Kahlia1981 - well done on being a 100 day free that is an amazing achievement. hugs

mouse in darkness - i am sorry your finding it hard to cope, but it's good that your trying to distract yourself, even though it is hard, i find it hard to distract myself. are able to tell us why your finding it hard to cope?

zowie - good luck with trying to stop.

goes and hides in the corner and starts to cry

Mary Anne 03-12-2008 04:34 PM

just checking in, had a horrible day :(

zowie 03-12-2008 05:24 PM

*Hugs Helen, Mouse, Louise and Mary-Anne* xxx

BoundNoMore 03-12-2008 05:51 PM

*pops in with a super-sized-stay-hot(but never too hot) thermos of hot chocolate.... has enough for everyone who wants some... and leaves a tray of cookies*

Kahlia1981 03-12-2008 07:58 PM

Hi all. Well it's morning, of just another day in hell. It's also my dad's birthday so I rang and wished him a Happy Birthday. It's not even 06:00 am yet and he seemed a little surprised that I remembered. But meh. Having reached 100 days I feel like I'm starting at 1 all over again .... which is kind of discouraging. Meh. I'm so over living. I have no purpose in this life and I'm just a massive heifer. I want out N-O-W. Meh. I don't have the energy to act on it though.

BoundNoMore 03-12-2008 08:01 PM

*hugs Kahlia*

1ofmany 03-12-2008 08:35 PM

bah humbug I dislike this time of year.

On friday I will be telling my lecturer of 3 years about my personal issues and i am terrified. I held out this long as i could get stuff done...but now i am really struggeling.
He will laugh in my face wont he. I will be kicked off the course. I am scared.

Kahlia1981 03-12-2008 08:50 PM

1ofmany : I fully understand where you are coming from. I dislike this time of year as well. My family don't understand me and my social phobia .... or they just don't care. Which is always a possibility. And all the christmas songs and carols are just so fake. I live in Australia and we get "I'm dreaming of a white christmas" .... talk about a complete, total and utter impossibility.
Fingers crossed for you regarding telling your lecturer what you have been dealing with. I want to offer you a hug if that's okay. And my support. I know I'm not good with words, but just wanted to let you know that I'm behind you, every step of the way.

1ofmany 03-12-2008 08:58 PM

Thank you that is so very kind. I wish I could hug but i am a freak. I want to start but i would need a real person i think *sigh*
How can i beleave the joys of christmas when there is so much shouting and arguing? It's the same every year too, people should make an effort all year.
Thanks for the support it means a lot.

BoundNoMore 03-12-2008 09:01 PM

I hate the holiday season :(

Louise 03-12-2008 09:03 PM

same here, also do not like this weather it is to cold

MammaMia 03-12-2008 09:05 PM

*cuddles all*

Today has gone soooooo wrong.


*wishes to cry in real life* :(

BoundNoMore 03-12-2008 09:07 PM


Originally Posted by Louise (Post 1261290)
also do not like this weather it is to cold

yup... that too... yuck...
I swear I have had a sore throat, sniffles, runny nose, cough, etc (ie cold weather blues) ever since like mid-November.

Kahlia1981 03-12-2008 09:24 PM


Originally Posted by 1ofmany (Post 1261276)
Thank you that is so very kind. I wish I could hug but i am a freak. I want to start but i would need a real person i think *sigh*
How can i beleave the joys of christmas when there is so much shouting and arguing? It's the same every year too, people should make an effort all year.
Thanks for the support it means a lot.

I realise some people are unable to hug so I always append something that means "if you can accept them". I agree with you, people should make the effort all year round. And you are most welcome (regarding the support).

Mary Anne 03-12-2008 10:41 PM

I am so not up for Christmas this year, my parents have actaully agreed we are not doing it, we will still give each other a gift but no fuss or ceremony. If I had my way I would shut myself in my flat with the cat and some dvds.

Tis bedtime here, it is supposed to snow during the night but Glasgow never really gets snow.

*big hugs to all*

Kahlia1981 03-12-2008 10:45 PM

I told my mother yesterday that I'm not intending to come over christmas day because I won't cope. She tried to use emotional blackmail ("nanna will be sad ....") but took another look at me and I think she decided she was skating over incredibly thin ice. I've agreed to go over christmas eve so that I can spend some time with my female parental unit's parental units. I love my grandparents (those that I knew anyway) but I really don't feel up to all the fakeness of yet another christmas. Meh. Especially since it's a reminder that I didn't die during the year.

Detour. Derail 04-12-2008 04:29 PM

everythings a-looommminngggg....
The following content has been hidden - Reason : **WHINEY LIST**

I feel.

Basically...i feel like sheets ><

Amanda...what a cutie-pie avatar!!!!
It made me smile...briefly

Kahlia1981 04-12-2008 10:26 PM

Yuck another day in this hot as hell "tropical paradise". Anyone feel like knocking me over the head with a brick ?? Seriously though I'm over summer. Here where I live we really only have two seasons : summer and not-quite-so summer. I'm really over it. I want out ..... N->O->W. Sorry I'll stop my whining now.

I hope you all are having/have had good days, or at least days during which you were able to cope.

*leaves hugs for those able to accept them and steals away into the dark space under her bed to settle down to cry*

Mary Anne 04-12-2008 10:28 PM

just a wee check in, mixed day, triumph tho - was in a dance performance tonight (burlesque dancing) and enjoyed it, the first things I have enjoyed in a long time, sad that I had nobody there to support me. Even forgot about the cuts (a friend helped me use cover up on them) for a while.

*hugs & blankets to all who need/want them*

MammaMia 04-12-2008 11:12 PM

*comes in crying, wish that was real life*

*hugs everyone*

Kahlia1981 04-12-2008 11:21 PM

*hugs Helen*

What's the matter sweetness ?

MammaMia 05-12-2008 12:00 AM

Just having a really **** **** **** week. So was really looking forward to toorrow to let my hair down & stuff, but even that is falling apart. But it'll be good night, well, I am hoping :)

I miss Stef so much, I feel like I'm not grieving, I feel like I'm going around asif nothing's happened some days. I can't stop thinking about her. But still no tears. I want to grieve. I don't think I've fully accepted what's happened yet.

I'm just fed up of this week really, it's been ****. >.< I just trying to keep going but the fight is proving a hard task at the moment.....

Kahlia1981 05-12-2008 12:25 AM

That's not good Helen. I'm sorry that your plans for the end of the week appear to be falling apart. I hope that it will still be a good night - If we can dream it we can force it into being.

It can be quite difficult and take some time before you are fully able to accept. You will get there darl. Just don't stress yourself about it. When the time comes your tear ducts will just open up and flood for you.

If there's anything we can do to help you with your fight let us know.

*hugs Helen*

Snuffles 05-12-2008 12:50 AM

Oh man, I'm so sorry...
Have to type..
Am so over it.. absolutely over it all..
Been having panic attacks all morning. I think coz I'm home alone. I feel so sick now. I feel like ****. I feel like my mind is going crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy.
I don't feel like the same person anymore...:sad::sad::sad::sad::sad:

Pomegranate 05-12-2008 02:30 AM

*hugs everyone* I am so so sorry I have been so **** at supporting recently. I hope you can forgive me, and know that I do read all the posts and think of you all, always*

I am really struggling tonight. I can't, hell I don't even WANT, to do this anymore. I am not saying I will kill myself, because my plans require more attention to detail than that. But they are becoming more and more tempting. I can't live like this forever, I'm not even living! This is an existence, nothing more. I should have more, but I don't. All I think of is destroying myself, it is what I deserve. I have asked for help at a+e when being stitched etc, and all they do is tell me to call my CPN or refer me to the crisis team (pretty much anyway). The crisis team won't see me because I am not urgent enough and what the hell is the use of calling my CPN???? What do I SAY???

My life cannot and will not continue like this forever. I just need to let go. How do you let go completely? I will not attempt and fail, my method is fool proof. How do I say goodbye to the few people who rely on me?? :crying: :crying:

Kahlia1981 05-12-2008 05:12 AM

Sorry that I haven't been great support to anyone around here. I'm just ....

I opened the box that contained my sketches and drawings and found that my sketchbook and my folder have gotten wet and now have mould on them. It would take me ages to be able to draw or sketch like that again. I just don't know what I can do. I feel like doing myself some serious damage.

I'm sorry. I'll stop whining about my insignificant problems now. I'm really sorry.

Mary Anne 05-12-2008 07:44 PM

Back to the crap life today, another miserable weekend ahead. I feel like a fraud here sometimes, on the surface my life looks great to others I am sure. Feel like there is nothing good to live for.

*hugs for all*

MammaMia 06-12-2008 12:59 AM

Finally cried a little.
Why did it take SIX bottles of alcohol though?
Stuipd stuipf stuipd girl =\

Kahlia1981 06-12-2008 01:36 AM

Oh Helen *hugs you*

akita 06-12-2008 03:06 AM

*checks in and gets comfy*

Pomegranate 06-12-2008 07:40 AM

*hugs Kahlia, Mary Anne and Black Rose (Andrea maybe?)*

*hugs Helen* hope you are feeling better now hun.

How are you all doing now?

I am working today (back home for christmas). And freaking out about it. This will be the longest I have been out for for weeks, and it is around children (I work with children, so happy happy happy) and our work Christmas weekend, i.e fancy dress, a santas grotto etc. I am really worried the costumes will look ridiculous (cos of wearing sleeves underneath), or not fit or something. I don't think I can do this. :crying: :crying:

Kahlia1981 06-12-2008 08:04 AM

*hugs Emma, Mary Anne and Black Rose*


I'm feeling really bad again. I want to cut. I got through some of the urges a bit earlier by drawing on the places where I wanted to cut .... but only managed to draw on the back on my L hand when I wanted to injure myself pretty much everywhere. And I've now made 103 days SI free.

I'm so sick of living especially in this oppresive heat and humidity. I've had enough. I wish I could just get out. I hate having these thoughts and feelings as a constant companion ..... not being able to get away from them. The thoughts are getting oppressive. I want to get out. I just want all the pain and crap to stop.

And my ED thoughts are starting to return. I'm slipping into behaviours that I thought I was long since done with. I don't really want to return down that road, admittedly I do need to lose weight, and a serious amount of it, but I don't think that is the best way to go about it. Actually that I guess depends on what point it is that you ask me and how my mind is working.



*hugs everyone and apologises for such a long post*

Pomegranate 06-12-2008 08:10 AM

I understand about the ED thing. I have never had an ED, but I probably came close when I was younger and used to make myself sick. I think you know deep down that the route is not worth getting involved in. Please tell your team about this, they may be able to offer help and advice, or a nutrition plan if you want to lose weight healthily. Congratulations on 103 days SI free :D. It's hard but in time it will get easier, please keep fighting it x

Kahlia1981 06-12-2008 08:21 AM

Emma you are quite right. I know that it isn't a route I really want to head down, but I keep giving in to the behaviours without actually realising I have done it. When I do get to the point where I "come back" to my brain having control I feel awful about what I have done. I really only have my pdoc .... I see him again on the 16th. Maybe I should tell him when I see him then ... or send him an email before then to let him know. I'm trying to deal with all these thoughts on my own and just am not managing. Not at present anyway. *sigh*

Pomegranate 06-12-2008 08:23 AM

I think emailing him before hand is a good idea because then you can be really honest without having to say it to his face. Also it may give him time to come up with some ideas to help you deal with it. You can learn to cope with the thoughts hun, you just need some help, and a little extra push from people now and again.

Kahlia1981 06-12-2008 10:07 AM

Emma, I agree with you. Thanks. Now I'm just a little scared about letting my pdoc know. But I'll get over it.

MammaMia 06-12-2008 01:15 PM

*cuddles Kahlia & Emma*

You know the whole story is pretty pathetic...so Kahlia, if you want to know, I'll pm you?

Mary Anne 06-12-2008 04:48 PM

*hugs Kahlia, Helen, Black Rose, Pomegranate & anyone else who wants one*

A truly upsetting day, our wedding gifts were delivered today (despite wedding being in Augsut), horrible opening then alone, I just put them all back in the box and shoved it in the spare room.

Kahlia, I was into ED territory recently when I was home all the time, getting back into the world has helped get me back on track (not back to normal but a lot better), hope you feel better soon, 103 days - well done. Come stay here for a bit, it has not got above freezing all day.

Helen, hope you are doing okay.


ravynsoul 06-12-2008 04:56 PM

*enters and looks arounds* hello, I haven't been in here before... but I heard it's a safe place...

ravynsoul 06-12-2008 04:57 PM

Hi Mary Anne, I am sorry that you had such an upsetting day! **hugs (if you'd like them)**

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