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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Kahlia1981 04-11-2008 08:06 PM

*hugs Helen back*

BoundNoMore 04-11-2008 08:20 PM

*offers loads of cuddles*

Jetforce 04-11-2008 10:31 PM

*Cuddles everyone*

Pomegranate 04-11-2008 11:40 PM

I'm sorry the professionals are treating you like this Zowie, it's ****, it really is! Well done for getting through today though *squishes*

Good Luck Khalia, will be thinking of you *hugs* x

*leaves hugs and chocolate cupcakes for everyone else*

Kahlia1981 05-11-2008 04:28 AM

I got through the ECT. And had one of the head psych doctors at the hospital tell me that I couldn't possibly have had the issues that I've had. Now I feel even more like **** than I did before. This day is going to end with me hurting myself in some way, shape or form I can see it now.

Sorry everyone.

*hugs everyone*

Pomegranate 05-11-2008 04:31 AM

What does he mean you couldn't possibly have had the issues you've had?? How does he know? What a ****! Well done on getting through it though hun x

MammaMia 05-11-2008 08:59 AM

Yesterday was terrible.
Not sure I want to face the world today.
I just want to run and run and run :S

shadowedseraph 05-11-2008 10:54 AM

*hugs Helen and Kahlia* my poor dears, have many hugs and snuggles from me

Auburn Shadow 05-11-2008 11:02 AM

*hugs everyone*

No words... not doing great...

MammaMia 05-11-2008 01:35 PM

Today is bad too.
Well **** me.
What's the point of being alive?

Pomegranate 05-11-2008 01:59 PM

whats up Helen? *hugs*

Here if you want to talk Hannah too *squishes*


BoundNoMore 05-11-2008 04:53 PM

*cuddles Hannah, Helen, and Emma*

lost and alone 05-11-2008 05:00 PM

walks in goes stright for a bed.*curls up in a ball* and cuddles my teddybear. life sucks whats the point in even trying =/

zowie 05-11-2008 06:06 PM

*cuddles Helen and lost and alone*

Thank you for caring guys. Still having a rough time, voices are really bad. Dad's had to stay with me all day to keep me safe, and I therefore had to miss college and slept most of the day. When the voices would let me X(

Really don't know what to do. Called my CPN today and she suggested sleep and said she couldn't see me. Called EIP woman and her phone was off all day.

Got college tomorrow but I'm really scared I'm going to do something stupid. I don't feel safe around people at the moment, I'm carrying a knife again for protection and Beth keeps telling me to use it on people who, as far as I know, are no threat to me. x

MammaMia 05-11-2008 09:35 PM

*cuddles everyone tight*

This really isn't turning out to be a good week.
I seriously CANNOT wait to end uni for the weekend tomorrow :]

Have gone and somehow lost my wonderful travel pass so therefore cannot use any trains at the moment and having to get two buses to uni which means I'm having to leave real early every day, well will until I get my hands on a new one!!!

Such a ****ing **** week.
But a friend of mine is turning out to be a real rock for me at the mo.
Really helps <3

Yesterday was awful.
High speed train passed through again and yet again the temptation occured to my brain.
If that wasn't bad enough...I then had a SECOND one come through.
This then delayed my train sending me into a massive worry!
Eventually got off my train again and felt really stuipdly triggered so walked really hard to walk off the urge.
But that didn't work.
Complelty lost all sense of the present.
Panicked and somehow wrote a five page text to a few friends about it.
Don't know how I coped yesterday.
Then counselling appointment was ****.

She wants me to go see my doctor again and orginally I wasn't going to. But then I went and spoke to Heather (person who deals with disabilities etc) and she asked if I enquired about something at the DSA assessment which I didn't. But I'm going to see him to ask to give me some evidence of mental health difficulties which could be a hard task, but I'm only asking him so uni can get a mental health mentor, which would mean even more help and tbh I think that just might make him agree you know? (Emma what do you think?)

I feel like pulling my hair out haha.

1ofmany 05-11-2008 10:34 PM

Hi everyone sorry everything seems to be going so bad for you all at the moment. I haven't been hanging around here and sorry.
I am leaving you all with lots of support and sweet yummy things and teddies!

Auburn Shadow 05-11-2008 11:46 PM

*hugs helen and everyone else who needs/wants/will accept*

Wish I had more words for you Helen, I think, the more help you can get at uni, the better, and especially the mental health mentor, it's part of the reason why I dropped out in the end, they weren't giving me any help with anything at all, and I couldn't cope with it. I think if I'd had a mentor, maybe I'd still be at uni now, but, well, can't dwell on what might have been.

Hope the fireworks have stopped and you're getting a good night's sleep now hun.


Today's been what can only be described as interesting for me... and I'm not sure it was completely in a good way. Did get a few things sorted out, but I'm not going to go into them right now. Maybe in a few hours. Sleep's been eluding me somewhat recently, it's not helping, my cold, or my mental state, but I physically can't fall asleep at the moment. *sigh*

Kahlia1981 06-11-2008 12:16 AM

Hi all.

I had a **** of a night last night. Well the whole day was crap.
First the ECT (which I didn't want in the first place) and I woke up in the coma position - so we are guessing that my blood pressure dropped to a point where they were worried about it.
Second, my friend was having a bad day and I was trying to be supportive. He told me to go and have a shower and wash the goo out of my hair from the ECT, which I did. And I walked out and saw a note on the table saying "I'm sorry". He'd OD'd and kept trying to do so which really left me no option but to ring the ambulance.
I then sat up at the hospital with him until they let him go home. [Funny story there though .... my blood pressure must still have been low because when they put the cannula in him I went white and ended up with two nurses supporting me and another one finding a chair.]
He was feeling a bit better when we left the hospital last night but now says that he's feeling a bit flat ..... :(

Anyway, all of that aside. Yesterday I confirmed my booking for the surgery on my shoulder next week. And this morning got a call from the CAT team telling me that they have found me a bed in the psych ward.

Because I am going inpatient I wanted to let you all know, and to therefore let you know that I won't be online as much. But because I don't know how long I'm going to be IP for ..... I realise that won't be much help. I guess it all depends on which doctor I see and whether they follow my private pdoc's demands. And this one of the gods only knows.

*hugs to all*

I'll be thinking of you.

Pomegranate 06-11-2008 01:59 AM

I haven't got the energy to respond to this at the moment but I will leave a pile of hugs and nice thoughts for everyone and will try and respond tomorrow or later. *leaves hugs etc*. Helen, I do think that is a good idea but I will speak to you about it when my brain is working properly.

Currently writing an essay so that I have at least a chance of doing everything I have to do this week for next week. Also felt really triggered to do something very stupid for the first time in a while today which hasn't improved my mood at all.

*leaves more hugs*

Jetforce 06-11-2008 04:49 AM

*cuddles emma and helen*

Dramatic 06-11-2008 05:36 AM

Just checking in and sending hugs all round.
Laura x

MammaMia 06-11-2008 08:13 AM

I've just seen your posts guys and I've got to finish getting ready for uni but will reply at my earliest chance.

*cuddles to all*

Keep strong you amazing people xxxx

zowie 06-11-2008 08:56 AM

Love you all x

Auburn Shadow 06-11-2008 09:12 AM

*hugs everyone*

I can feel myself breaking again, nothing seems to be going my way at the moment. Huge bust up between my boyfriend(Tom) and one of my closest friends(Rob) yesterday. The two of them wandered off somewhere, and apparently Tom was very close to punching Rob. He came back and did the hug thing, and he was actually shaking with anger at Rob. The thing I should probably also mention is that I went back to my parents' house (even though every instinct was telling me not to) and well, lets just say my brother's the violent sort and I came back with a few cracked ribs.

I just... I can't deal with people being that angry around me at the moment, I can just about deal with people shouting, but anything else... it really freaks me out.

I'm sick of being stuck in the middle of Tom and the rest of the friendship group. Out of about 15 of us, he only talks to 3, and it's... well it certainly makes things difficult, especially when he expects me to stop talking to them as well...

Urgh, it's not just that, but I'm so damned triggered at the moment.

Sorry it's so long.

MammaMia 06-11-2008 10:25 AM

Zowie, is everything ok?

Hana, I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time at the moment *cuddles*

Dramatic 06-11-2008 11:49 AM

Zowie..what's wrong sweetie?

Auburn Shadow -I'm lost for words at the moment, but just wanted you to know i've read it and understood, and wanted to leave you special Laura *hugs*

Er - I just got diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

shadowedseraph 06-11-2008 03:22 PM

*hugs Laura and Helen* your having tough times at the moment and im sorry i dont have the words to help

*Hugs Kahlia* im sorry about your friend and about ECT

zowie 06-11-2008 03:51 PM

Sorry. Just feeling really bad at the mo. Voices wont leave me alone and I feel really vunerable. x

shadowedseraph 06-11-2008 04:12 PM

*hugs zowie* i know how that can feel, i'm here listening to you

zowie 06-11-2008 06:08 PM

thank you shadowedseraph (forgot your name - i suck at names)
I feel so unsafe right now. I'm at that point where I think I need to go to A&E to stop myself doing what the voices say. But I don't want to be admitted, I'm meant to be meeting my baby cousins on Saturday.
The voices are telling me to hurt my sister (16), I mean really hurt her. I'm so scared, I kept telling them there was no way I'd do that and then my sister was an idiot and treated me like ****. Now I'm in a bad mood with her and it's harder to ignore the voices when they keep reminding me about all the horrible things she's done to me. I keep trying to think of all the nice things she's done for me so I stop caring about the bad things the voices say.
They're being so graphic about what I should do. They say if I don't do it, they'll possess me and make me do it. I'm so scared, I can't tell my dad because he'll panic. What do I do?? x

Pomegranate 06-11-2008 07:24 PM

*curls up in a ball* can someone please invent a pause button? I just want to escape from the world for a while :crying:

Dramatic 06-11-2008 07:26 PM

Zowie babe, i think it might be well worth going to A&E. I know you don't want to be admitted, but, if they do decide to admit you..maybe it's for the best, it will keep you safe and out of harms way until the voices settle down. I know you're meant to meet your cousins etc, but i'm sure they'd rather meet a more content Zowie, than an unhappy/unsafe Zowie. *squish*

Keep your chin up hun.
And thanks Becca for the huggles. *Hugs back* Hope you're OK sweetie. xx

zowie 06-11-2008 07:32 PM

I can't. I really can't. I wont have another chance to meet my cousins for ages. I think I'll just take my meds and hopefully sleep (mirtazapine helps me sleep), miss college tomorrow so I'm not near people and stay in my room as long as I can. xxx

Dramatic 06-11-2008 09:05 PM

Realistically Zowie you can't do that forever.
When will there be a right time to go into hospital?
You're putting yourself and others at risk by not seeking help hun.
I understand your upset about your cousins but you may not be admitted, it may be a case of seeing the on call psychiatrist. What about going in after your cousins have gone?

1ofmany 06-11-2008 10:03 PM

Zowie if you do this and get better surly that would be a great thing for you, your cousins and everyone?

Snuffles 07-11-2008 12:36 AM

no no no no no no no no no

*rocks in the corner*

movie scenes... triggering... can't get them out...

sooooo triggered..... fark fark fark fark....

what am i doing? why do i suddenly feel like this? *cries*

Pomegranate 07-11-2008 12:47 AM

*cuddles PrincesskT* It's ok sweetie. It's just a film, you can fight the urges xx

Zowie, I agree with Laura and Iofmany, but whatever you decide to do, I hope you manage to stay safe *hugs*

*hugs anyone else who needs them*

Auburn Shadow 07-11-2008 01:25 AM

Thanks for the Laura hugs earlier. Really appreciated them. I'm hana by the way.... haven't been around for a while.

Lost control. Completely. Got so violent. Hurt one of my best mates, someone I'd never normally hurt.... Threw my phone and smashed the screen. Everything's just going wrong tonight. Can't stop crying, so triggered, but... I don't want to do anything cause I'm scared of the damage I could cause without realising it. I just.... I want this life to end.

Pomegranate 07-11-2008 01:32 AM

Please keep holding on for better days Hana. Keep fighting and maybe one day soon things will be alright *hugs*. I know it's not much but I will be thinking of you xxx

Snuffles 07-11-2008 01:36 AM

Just sooo scared by how I'm feeling I guess...
But anyways must concentrate on my uni for now be back later xxx

Auburn Shadow 07-11-2008 04:53 AM

I... I'm literally panicking without my mobile. Boyfriend's offered to pay to get it repaired, but... I feel so guilty taking his money.
I know what I need to do, I need to tell someone I'm in major crisis, but... I can't. I don't have a mobile to text her from, I would normally, but... urgh, smashing my phone's just made everything ten times worse, because.... my phone is my link to normality when I'm like this.

I need Ruth, but I can't get to Ruth... I see her tomorrow night anyway, but... I don't know if I can survive that long....

Dramatic 07-11-2008 10:39 AM

Nice to meet you Hana. I'm Laura. Have we met before? Damn my mushy brain and memory.
If not *shakes hand* Hi! :)

You can survive that long Hana..you just need faith. Have you an old mobile you can put your sim card in? Or do you know anyone with an old mobile you can put the sim card in? Just until your one is fixed. *Massive cuddles* Hang in there sweetie.

*Cuddles anyone who needs it*

I feel like ****. Pure ****.
I don't want BPD.
I know i have it. I know it's now been confirmed and i have that diagnosis.
But now i have it..i don't want it.

I just want to curl into a ball and become invisable.
I thought maybe a diagnosis would make me feel more positive, give me some direction on what to do to "get better".
But now i feel like even more of a waste of space.
And my mother told me how much of a waste of space i was this morning. Made digs to me about how i should be out working.

I wish i ****ing was. Don't you see? Doesn't anyone see how i hate laying here slicing my arms up and ending up in hospital from near fatal overdoses?! I wouldn't call that ****ing fun. I would do anything to be "normal", to lead a "normal" life, to earn money and socialise.
But i can barely set foot over the ****ing frontdoor let alone get a job. I don't even want to be here the majority of the time.

I HATE those "You should get a job" comments when she's in a pissy mood, she knows it touches a nerve, she know it upsets me.

Atleast my plans are still in place.

shadowedseraph 07-11-2008 12:24 PM

*Hugs Laura* Dont let it get to you babe your better than that

Dramatic 07-11-2008 03:16 PM

I know.
It's just easier said than done.

Since i told her yesterday about my BPD diagnosis, she's just shown no interest at all, infact, she couldn't care less. Isn't that lovely?
She just got told her daughter's been diagnosed with a mental disorder and she doesn't particularly give a ****.

Merk. ****it.

Auburn Shadow 07-11-2008 06:20 PM

Don't think we have, Laura, nice to meet you. Feeling marginally better now than last night, but... still feeling rather bad. Somehow, I survived the night without cutting, still not quite sure how. Still very triggered, but I've got an old phone I put my sim card in, so feeling slightly better about that.
Gonna talk to Ruth tonight, and see how that goes...

*leaves hugs for everyone*

zowie 07-11-2008 10:23 PM

Got through the day and I get to see my cousins tomorrow.
Luckily my sister isn't coming so I don't need to be near her for any reason. My CPN said she was proud of me for keeping control.
Only problem is - I've kept control and kept myself together so I can see my cousins. But after I've seen my cousins and I have no reason to control myself I don't think I'm going to be able to manage. x

MammaMia 08-11-2008 12:32 AM

*cuddles everyone*

I've made some personal progress this week :) So happy about it!!

Pomegranate 08-11-2008 12:40 AM

Well done Hells and Zowie! You've both done really well today/this week *squishes*

Keep fighting it Zowie and remember A&E is always an option if you really don't feel safe and there is no shame in admitting you need help.

*hugs Laura and Hana*

I don't want help. Why? Because lets face it, things will never be ok. I will never feel 'ok'. People may lie and say I will, but it's not true. I had been doing better and was I pleased? Not really. Instead I felt guilty for not harming properly. Even when things were better I wasn't ok. My mood has been getting worse the last few days and now I have planned a traditional 'Emma destruction' night. Not to kill myself, but the image came into my head and now it must be done. I have to do it because I can't deal with the emotional consequences of not doing it. I'm not ill so it's not that.

MammaMia 08-11-2008 12:50 AM

Thanks Emma :D

One of my friends has made progress this week aswell- well I helped in doing some of that which made me feel good too. She's been amazing support this week and said some stuff I needed reminding of and so I think it's going to stay good :D

*hugs all*

*hugs Emma lots* Please try not do it? I know it's hard not to though :( Love ya xx

Auburn Shadow 08-11-2008 02:52 AM

*cuddles everyone*

I don't want to fight the urges anymore, I can't much longer. I spoke to Ruth, didn't tell her about last night though, because while I was there I ended up having a major panic attack about other stuff, and we had to talk about that instead. She knows now, what my parents have done to me, and she knows about my brother being violent. Debbie knows too, but, thing is, now they want me to report everything, and I just can't do that. I'm scared though, because, well, what if they report him for me? I just want to forget all about it...

I... just can't get rid of these urges, and I can't sleep really because they're there, every time I close my eyes, I can see the images of what I need to do, and... we had a dream interpreter there tonight, and I wanted to ask him how to stop dreaming about it, but... that'd mean admitting stuff to him, so I didn't...

urgh... I just wanna cut... :(

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