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Kahlia1981 04-04-2016 02:26 PM

I wasn't sure due to all the time zones. No idea when the back surgery will be, hopefully the referral went through today but I'll have to ring the doctor's surgery and if it has gone that far then I need to ring the hospital in Brisbane and check it has arrived down there. A long process..... *sigh*

Doikers 04-04-2016 02:34 PM

I hope it all go's smoothly lil sis :)

Kahlia1981 04-04-2016 04:30 PM

Thanks Mark. We do too, obviously, especially since we are unaware of how long surgery and recovery/rehabilitation will take, and even whether they will decide that I'm fine to wait some time or decide that I must be seen right now (so to speak).

My head is in a really bad place right now. I mentioned Jem's death to my step-daughter and now have all sorts of images and thoughts getting comfortable in my brain and just playing out over and over. Sleep is going to be almost impossible tonight and I have to be up early in the morning.

*bangs head against wall*

*disappears into pillow fort*

Drewbles 04-04-2016 10:08 PM

*leaves safe hugs for all* hope some stuff went well for all of you today.

Doikers 05-04-2016 05:07 PM

How are you all today?

Drewbles 05-04-2016 08:36 PM

Same old same old. How are you Mark?

Kahlia1981 05-04-2016 10:55 PM

Hey Drew. Thanks for the hugs.

Mark: You probably don't want to know.

Besides everything in my life sucking, me being in excruciating pain, my mood being so low that they'd need to create a new term for how far done through the earth you would have to go, I'm okay. Both my husband and step-daughter are still asleep and I need another coffee. If they aren't awake by then I'm going to play Avatar on the PS3. I do quite enjoy killing the viperwolves and have actually completed a sector challenge which involved killing 110 of the buggers. They aren't too hard to kill unless you are "lucky" enough to have a pack of four or five attack you at once.

Thankfully the anger I felt earlier has changed itself into self-hatred and disgust which isn't really surprising when I'm incapable of doing anything at all without assistance but obviously most people cannot understand that. Please just give me a break from the pain.

Doikers 06-04-2016 05:42 AM

Hey Kahlia,
I hope you're okay Sis . BTW I always wanna know how you are, from very bad to very good , I'd be a bit of a crap big bro if I didn't care :P Love ya :)

Eir 06-04-2016 10:57 AM

Horrible night at work. Just bucket loads of abuse. From people who I'm supposed to cut some slack cos they are cognitively impaired. I've felt crappy all day and I hit the limit and broken down. I desperately want to hurt myself. But I won't. Not at work. Not again.
Full metal rocks. But now want to see brotherhood cos the ending might be better

Kahlia1981 06-04-2016 11:40 AM

Sorry to hear that Annie. I'm especially sorry to hear that work tonight has been so rough and that you've broken down. I believe in you and that you can get through work without harming your self. Just managing to go to work when you feel like crap shows a lot of strength. Hmmm.... I think I'll have to look into brotherhood now.

My GP got the referral to a spinal specialist done today while we were there and changed one of my medications. Tomorrow I have to phone that hospital to check that the referral arrived and I need to call my university about possibly deferring both an assignment and an exam depending on what happens with my back. Making phone calls to anyone other than family terrifies me but they have to be done. I also have to text my mother and then call her about her mail just in case there's something really important in there.

Right now I feel really bad about bursting into tears whilst we were in with the GP. I feel absolutely like crap for letting my pain show and now I feel even worse. Please let me disappear.

Doikers 06-04-2016 12:34 PM

Kahlia , I have serious problems on the phone too :( *Glomps*

*Offers Safe Hugs to Annie* May I call you Annie?

Kahlia1981 06-04-2016 03:56 PM

Thanks Mark. I don't know what it is about phoning people but it scares the living daylights out of me. *sigh*

My life is full of absolute crap right now. My pain level is so high that I should be at a hospital but I don't want to ruin my step-daughters holiday with another night in emergency. If my mood was any lower it would be coming out on the opposite side of the earth. I can't control my DID so my younger alters keep popping out and doing whatever they want and it takes all my strength to rein the buggers back in. Sometimes I really think I should just let them go but I cannot afford the damage that would inevitably cause. My brain tells me that every single person I know, whether IRL or online, really is just pretending to care and really couldn't give a damn that I even exist. It is so difficult not to believe it when my husband and step-daughter have to push me around in my wheelchair and do so much for me because I can't do it for myself. The tears just keep falling and it feels more and more like no one cares.

Eir 06-04-2016 03:59 PM

Yup that's fine. Are you Mark? Can I call you that? Any way, I survived. Still wanna hurt myself. Watching FMA brotherhood. Brother has netflix.
Kahlia, doctors can't help much if you're not honest, it's actually important to let them know about the pain. Yeah I'm a hypocrite in that regard. But it's true.
I hate crying at work. I was angry, and I cry when I'm angry. Then it turned into panic cos I was at work.
I spent most of the day prior to work and at work in a bit of a fugue of wanting to hurt myself. Then they were all difficult, and one in particular started on me. That's what did me in. I'm now in that post freak out stage where nothing touches me. The numbness makes me want to hurt myself. Whilst it's constant it's easy to control. Distraction and being supervised (dad's in the room, he knows I had a bad day but not that I'm unstable).
Coffee anyone?

Kahlia1981 06-04-2016 04:13 PM

I was fully honest with my GP today and he changed my pain medication to something stronger but we didn't have our safety net cards on us and the only pharmacy where we don't need the cards to get our scripts for free apparently sold the one bottle they get per month earlier that day. They can't get more until tomorrow afternoon so my husband will be dropping in there with the script after taking his daughter to spend time with her grandparents. It's just a trial but I really hope it helps. My husband knows how much pain I am in and why I don't want to go to the hospital right now.

Coffee sounds great by the way.

Eir 06-04-2016 05:03 PM

Coffee coffee coffee.
I have a slight (understatement) coffee addiction.
Also it took me 2episodes to realise there was another page.
I hope the new med helps. Speaking of which, I forgot mine.
I'm attempting bed. But not sleep.
Wish the weather would make up itS mind. I was hoping it would cool off soon.
I got some vague positives,
1- no more daylight savings!!!! I hate them. Hate them hatethemHATETHEM...
2- new roster with other wing also has weekends! YAY for weekend penalties.
3- coffee exists

Doikers 06-04-2016 05:10 PM

Got any Tea , Annie? :P Yes , it is perfectly fine for you to call me Mark :)

Daylight savings was 2-3 weeks ago here . . . . The World is odd.

Eir 06-04-2016 05:20 PM

I have "raspberry zing" which is lovely tea like stuff with hibiscus instead of tea leaves. I'm a bit freaked out by regular tea. I have a speil about why it freaks me out too. But I'm sure I can find some, any preference? English breakfast, lady or Earl Grey?
NSW is stupid. QLD doesn't do daylight savings. Daylight savings makes no sense.

Doikers 06-04-2016 05:32 PM

English Breakfast Please :) Can I ask why it freaks you out?

Eir 06-04-2016 05:48 PM

Tannin is used to make leather. Tannin is that drying after-taste you get from tea. I freak out over what it may do to my insides.
I deal with constant paranoia from over thinking things.... This is a small example.
Logically, I figure you cant tan your insides, seeing as the gastrointestinal tract is constantly renewing itself. But that doesn't stop me freaking out over it. I know it's irrational, especially as other things have tannin. Hence I label it paranoia.
My eyes are watering. I should attempt the sleep. Right sort of numB.
Not dangerous to self.
Night guys

Doikers 06-04-2016 06:16 PM

Good Night Annie :)

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