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MammaMia 02-09-2010 10:35 PM

Why waste your time trying to be good enough if she's a bitch/can't be tactful kinda thing? :/

*hugs April* Thank you sweetie x

The One Who 02-09-2010 10:40 PM

Maybe she has her own insecurities and worries that she is projecting.

SoMuchMore 02-09-2010 10:40 PM

*hugs helen* hope that you feel better and that your interview goes well!

*Hugs april* I know people that sounds like your friend. They can be hard to deal with sometimes. I try to just remember that that is the way they are and sometimes just consider the source when they are talking... which sounds kind of mean of me as well... but it's really not.

*gives claire a box of hugs*

*hugs oliver* how r u?

*hugs mark* I dont think announcing when you are asleep is annoying at all. I think its funny too that many times by the time you get up I am just heading off to bed... i stay up so late lol.

*hugs nicole* like others have said, it was only the first day. You are def not a fail. Also, the sexuality thing was probably only for statistics, you shouldn't be judged on it at all.

*hugs taz* how r u this evening?

*hugs mara* o dear, i'm so sorry about the situation at work. I wish i knew what to say. *gives extra cuddles*

*cuddles kaytee, heather, and crimson* hope you all are alright.

As for me, well i have to work tonight. They just switched the system so now i am all anxious again. Just when i was starting to be able to be calm at work and feel like i had the job down. :-/ That's life though. I have to learn to roll with such things otherwise i'll never succeed in the workplace.

Tried to tell my friend T about some of the things going on right now with me... but it didn't really work b/c I had to leave for an appointment right afterwards so I couldn't afford to make myself any amount of upset. He probably thought talking was a waste of time. I hadn't seen him in like 2 months though so i guess its not bad that we were way off topic from what he came over for.

Anyway, rambling, ill stop now.

MammaMia 02-09-2010 10:46 PM

*hugs Laura* Thanks darling :) x

shadowedsoul 02-09-2010 11:08 PM

=) is kind off happy right now. Happy happy happy. Is so out off it right now

Kahlia1981 02-09-2010 11:21 PM

*huggles everyone*

So tired. Binged yesterday and feeling crap today because of it. Also can't stop coughing and it's really wearing me down. My housemate went to the hospital yesterday and waited for 5 hours without even being seen and these "indigenous Australians" who were much further down the triage queue started screaming about discrimination and got put in above everyone. Yeah, that's fair according to Triage protocol - the sickest get seen first . . .

FlyingNy 02-09-2010 11:52 PM

I'm sorry I can't do individuals right now but my friend's suicidal and my stress levels are through the roof and i've already cut and i took some pills but not enough, but it scares me how close i came and the urges aren't gone and i'm scared of what i might do and i know i can't do this. i can't be here anymore and i am panicking so much i just don't know what to do i want out and there's nothing i can do.

PoisonedApple 03-09-2010 12:05 AM

*cuddles lia and holds hand*

Scarletdreamer 03-09-2010 12:08 AM

Oh Lia, honey, I'm so sorry that you're so stressed, and also that your friend is suicidal. Are you going to be okay, though? because you won't be able to help him/her unless you yourself are doing okay. And you don't sound all that firm yourself, if that makes any sense... please don't take any more pills. You don't need to die, please, hang on to life and your dreams for what you want it to become... don't give up. I'm here if you need to talk, others are as well. And you can always ring up someone if you need to, right, like the Samaritans? (sorry, don't know diddly-squat about emergency helplines in the UK :-/ ...) Wish I could help more but please, love, keep hanging on. Fight for your life. It's worth saving. And so is your friend's. Try and stay as safe as you can for the rest of the night, and remember, God's with you. (Normally wouldn't say that here but I think I remember you saying you're a Christian too?) Will be thinking of/praying for you.

Sorry no other individuals at the moment. :(

FlyingNy 03-09-2010 12:19 AM

Thinking of God actually made me feel better.

i only got as far as about pill 3. But still, i've never done that before and it scares me. i think it's only going to get worse. i'm trying to be strong for her. i'm haven't told her how upset i am, just trying to talk some sense into her. I don't know what to do because i'm the only one who knows anything aout her and i can't do it alone anymore. I can't tell anyone though, she's begged me not to, but i feel i should...something she said earlier, about me. a theory she has. it has nothing to do with suicide, but it scared me too. Sorry. I can't tell you guys, but April,you might know what i'm on about. She thinks so too. What I pm'ed you about that time. i told her she was wrong and to back off, but now i just don't know...

I hope everyone else is OK...*hugs all*

shadowedsoul 03-09-2010 12:23 AM

Hugs everbody. Hmm wondering if getting drunk, just to stop feeling so numb. Havnt laughed so much in my life.

frenchhorn 03-09-2010 12:33 AM

*hugs* Lia please try to stay safe

*infact extra special Oliver hugs* to all of you, because so many of you seem to be struggling right now and you shouldn't, your all amazing people, who i care about a lot, so please, please all stay safe.
*big Oliver love to you all*

ok I'm quite excited, been talking to a friend, another trans guy and we're both really fed up of waiting for the NHS to get prescribed hormones, so we are going to do a sponsored walk, we're going to walk hadrian's wall, which is 84 miles, probs tak us about 5/6 days and then the money we raise is going to go towards going private for hormone treatment.And then any money left over will go to local LGBT/trans groups.
I'm also really excited by it because I've been wanting to wlak Hadrian's wall for ages and I love hiking and also Greg is a good mate.

FlyingNy 03-09-2010 12:37 AM

That's great Oliver. :) I really hope you can raise enough. *Extra big Lia hugs to you too.*

Scarletdreamer 03-09-2010 01:04 AM

Okies. Now I'm going to (attempt to) do individuals. May not get all of you as my brain is kind of all over the place... but hey ho, we shall see where I get. :P

*cuddles Lia* I'm glad that thinking about God made you feel better. :) And yes, I do know what you're going on about, I remember that PM. I'm sorry your friend "has a theory" and that it upset you so... but it's understandable. I would be upset as well, I think, especially if it were about things I didn't want anyone else knowing about. Which applies, probably, to a lot of stuff, in a lot of people's lives. But anywho, yes, I do know. *extra special strengthening hugs* As far as the pills go... I've OD'd once, and while I only took a few pills over the course of a day, it was still enough to scare me too. Please try to stop yourself from ever doing that again, because - I am gathering, from how frequently people do it - that either the feelings from the pills or the attention received from taking them (not saying that those who OD are attention-seekers, more like they don't have enough attention & crave it whilst at the same time being in a great deal of emotional pain... oh ****, I don't know, does that even make any sense?). Anyway. Please try not to do that again. I'm worried about you. :(

*cuddles Oliver* That walk sounds cool; I hope it works out okay. That's quite a long walk, actually... would you be planning on camping out? or what? (sorry, first thing that came to mind after you wrote 84 miles/5-6 days was, "Oh dear, where would they SLEEP??" ... hehe, I'm very much attached to my comfy bed, although I have had my camping days, lol)

*cuddles Hels* Feeling a little better yet perhaps? I hope so. It's getting late there, am always surprised to see so many of you on so late at night!! (well, for you all - not so much for me, it's not yet 8pm here) I hope your interview goes well tomorrow/today (depending on your timezone, hehe). You'll have to let us know. ^_^ How else are you doing? and how is/are your bestie(s) doing?

*cuddles Laura* I would be annoyed with work hours being changed as well, especially as a relatively new employee, but you're right, in life you've just gotta learn to "roll with the punches" I guess. I have trouble with that, I don't know why. It's just a part of me - I hate change. Of any sort, because it takes me so freaking long to get accustomed to the new "stuff," whatever it may be. Anyway, enough about me for now, ahahaha. >_<

*cuddles Jill* Are you doing okay, sweetie? I'm a little concerned about you...

*cuddles Crimson* Any word from the new job yet, love? and how are you doing, and how's your gran? I hope you're feeling a bit less anxious than you were when you last posted (?)... thinking of you.

*cuddles Kahlia* Sorry I've not responded to your PM yet, I'm not intentionally ignoring you, I promise. I just want to have the time/energy to sit down and write a decent/good reply and that time just hasn't happened yet. :( Are you doing okay? I mean, overall, because it's seemed like you haven't posted in here in a bit. I'm sorry your housemate didn't get seen at the hospital, that's utterly ridiculous - is he okay? and I'm also sorry that you binged and feel **** about it now... but it's only one day of doing badly, as - well, everyone - would tell me if it were me... so I hope that you don't keep feeling that badly. *extra special hugs to you as well*

*cuddles Claire, Kaytee, & Mara* How are you three?

Re: the bitchy friend, I do like her as a friend, as I said. I don't know why she is a bitch at times but she knows she is and readily admits it. It's not really a mean bitch, more of a thoroughly-honest-no-matter-how-it-will-come-across bitch. I guess she's just a little insensitive to other people? I don't know. She's just... well, definitely honest. Perhaps to a fault. She doesn't soften things, and tbh, she did piss me off today. In response to a ranting LJ post, about my ED and how I "don't want to follow that ****ing meal plan," she wrote:

You know I get this ED stuff but like I said, you have to decide what you want, whether you're sure yet or not. I admit I can understand where Jarrod is coming from, he's probably getting fed up and frustrated and angry. Either you do this or you don't.

You also need to deal with the fact that you don't like to leave the apartment.
[re: me not liking to leave the apartment to exercise]

I think you need to reread Life Without Ed and Goodbye Ed, Hello Me.

I am not one for just blindly following along but you need to just do this - you talk about God and all that stuff - well faith is involved so start having some.

And then in response to a reply I left to that comment, she wrote:

That's good that you're giving this a shot. And yeah in a perfect world it'd be great if coping with things were easy but it's not and you're not the only one struggling with things either - we're all fighting something and wishing it were easier. You need to change your outlook somehow.

I don't know, am I the only one that sees how that can be kind of annoying/cause one to become pissed off? because she didn't give any advice or anything on HOW to change my outlook, and yeah, I know she gets the ED stuff, but I don't feel comfortable talking to her about it, really, because she's, well, probably going to tell me stuff I don't want to hear. I don't know.

Sorry. That should've probably gone in my r/v. Anyway, long enough for now... just got back from a walk - my 30 minutes of exercise that I'm allowed (5 days/week only) - and am cooling off. It's cooler out now that the sun's gone down but... still kinda sticky. Ugh. And now I'm getting sleepy so I see shower + meds + bed shortly. :-/

FlyingNy 03-09-2010 01:12 AM

April- don't worry about me. It's ok. I'm calmer now. But it's sinking that I tried to kill myself. If that's what I was doing. I don't know. I didn't take very many, but only because I didn't want to leave people behind. Not really because I wanted to live at all. I knew I was screwed when I was jealous of the lives of people in EastEnders. Inside my head, I am screaming right now. I'm not frantic anymore, but I am scared. Scared of what may or may not have happened and scared of how to deal with it all. Scared of myself and what I might do. I'm sorry about your friend. I think she does care about you though but just isn't very sensitive towards feelings. *Bear hugs* Oh, epic reply btw ;)

frenchhorn 03-09-2010 01:16 AM

yes we will be camping, it would be rather epic to do it all non stop with no sleep!! its just the case of finding the campsites and getting it cheap and hoping they are open in feb, also hoping its not too cold in feb, considering its on the border to Scotland

PoisonedApple 03-09-2010 01:27 AM

Quote:

*cuddles Crimson* Any word from the new job yet, love? and how are you doing, and how's your gran? I hope you're feeling a bit less anxious than you were when you last posted (?)... thinking of you.
The listing closes tomorrow then they start picking people to interview *crosses fingers and waits patiently*
I'm.... I dunno. Kinda roller-coastery lately.
Gran is ok last I heard but mom hasn't texted since yesterday noon so... dunno.
Quote:

I don't know, am I the only one that sees how that can be kind of annoying/cause one to become pissed off? because she didn't give any advice or anything on HOW to change my outlook, and yeah, I know she gets the ED stuff, but I don't feel comfortable talking to her about it, really, because she's, well, probably going to tell me stuff I don't want to hear. I don't know.

Sorry. That should've probably gone in my r/v. Anyway, long enough for now... just got back from a walk - my 30 minutes of exercise that I'm allowed (5 days/week only) - and am cooling off. It's cooler out now that the sun's gone down but... still kinda sticky. Ugh. And now I'm getting sleepy so I see shower + meds + bed shortly. :-/
I totally see where you're coming from and it is just fine here... :) we like to know what's going on.

*hugs everyone and heads home to teach the kids how to cook ( and take pictures of it for their school lol)*

Scarletdreamer 03-09-2010 01:40 AM

Lia, thanks for saying my reply was epic. ;) It was rather long, wasn't it... :P Hehehe. I understand though, where you're coming from about being scared of yourself etc., of what you're capable of, and how it's just sinking in now... I wish I knew what to say that would be useful. :( *extra special April hugs* PM box is open if you need/want to talk. <3

Oliver, I didn't expect you to go without sleep. ;) I was just wondering if it would be hotels or camping... and brrr, camping in February would be rather cold, I would imagine. At least, around here. But then again, that's what a lot of blankets and a nice warm sleeping bag is for, right? :) But honestly, I do wish you the best of luck with your venture. It should be awesome if you can do it, and I expect pics!! *hands on hips* Lol... *hugs*

Crimson, good luck with getting the job... I should be hearing back about the job tomorrow too... something's telling me that I didn't get it, otherwise would've heard back by now. Blah. I do hope that you get good news though, about that and about your gran. <3 *huggles* Oh, and I'm glad that you (none of you?) were annoyed that I posted such a long bit about my friend. And also, that you can understand where I am coming from. :-/

Ugh, so freaking tired... :( Just want to go to bed. Jarrod's playing Half Life 2 now and I just want to sleeeeeeep... :( but I also don't want to drag him away from the game when he's just started playing it. I mean, he's played it before, but just started where he left off a few minutes ago. So I guess it's another shower-alone go-to-bed-alone night. Blah. I hate going to bed alone, it feels, well, lonely. Ahaha. >_<

I feel so... left out. And sad. And like I don't give a **** about anything anymore. I don't know. I'm kinda verging on suicidal? I don't really know though for sure. It feels iffy. And I really really need sleep!!!!

*cuddles all then heads off to fill out food/exercise diary for the day* :-/

FlyingNy 03-09-2010 01:47 AM

You obviously do give a **** about some things April, or you wouldn't have replied to everyone just now :) Pull the plug on the computer and pretend it's a power surge? Good luck with the job April, I really hope you got it. You know something? I'm thinking of actually taking you up on the PM offer, maybe not this second in time, but at some point soon because I think tonight was a result of bottling all these feelings up just coming to a head. I actually got as far as taking the pills from thier hiding place and taking some. I've only ever got as far as holding them before, even in my lowest moments. I think it's time I at least tried. Stay safe. *Hugs tightly. * Night night. xx

Detour. Derail 03-09-2010 02:52 AM

hope everyone is ok....sorry for the lack of individual replies but theres just too many pages to read :(
Thinking of you all though and sending all my love
xxxxxxxxxx


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