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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Kahlia1981 16-05-2013 08:57 AM

*checks in*

It has been a long time since I've checked myself into here. I guess that I won't know most of you, yet I hope to find some relief here.

The last five days my depression has been building. I can barely bring myself to get out of bed in the mornings because each day I am more depressed than I was the day before. A lot of time I end up bawling my eyes out and not even able to tell anyone - even myself - why I'm crying. Lately I've been clenching my jaw in an attempt not to open my mouth because I know that if I do the tears will start to fall.

Dealing with me is hard, but now my fiancee is unwell as well. He's semi-psychotic and the hospital system here is .... well let's just say I can't take him to the hospital unless he's dying. For two days I've been nursing him, treating him with diazepam and xanax to help keep him calm. I don't know how to cope with both of us right now. At least I get some time when he's asleep.

I really don't know what to do right here, right now.

RAWWR 17-05-2013 01:09 PM

Hey Kahlia, don't worry you're not the only oldie checking in-I used to be RAWWR.
Sorry things aren't going too good for you at the moment, i'm sorry I don't really have any advice-things aren't going too well for me at the moment and my head doesn't work too well anymore, I want to offer my *hugs* and I hope things get better for you you soon.

YodaBearInterrupted 17-05-2013 01:49 PM

*hugs for all in here*

*puts some goodies on the table*

Everyone is clamoring at me to get back on meds before I end up getting too much worse... but I dont want to at all, the meds suck. The nightmares continue, I wish they would just stop for one night... and I can hear the voices silently and quietly plotting i n my head...

Kahlia1981 18-05-2013 02:05 PM

*hugs all*

I am such an idiot. Why do I keep doing things that I know will be to my detriment. I'm just going to go sit and cry in the corner...:crying:

LizzieRose 20-05-2013 07:09 AM

*checks in, crying*

Kahlia1981 22-05-2013 12:42 AM

AlexiaJayy: *offers hugs and tissues*

Mood is dropping further and I'm becoming more suicidal with each passing day. I just want this all to end.

*disappears into a corner crying*

LizzieRose 22-05-2013 01:14 PM

*accepts them with a soft thank you and goes to sit, curled up in a chair as I still cry* I've never felt this suicidal before...

m0nk 22-05-2013 05:07 PM

Dark memories will not help you in vain, with time comes hope it helps you to accept the pain - the brightest light exceeding our deepest imaginations, will also radiate for you! for what is there for the light to be lit if darkness does not exist.

Tristana 22-05-2013 06:08 PM

Walks in and curls into a ball I can't do this anymore

Kahlia1981 24-05-2013 01:17 AM

*crawls into a corner banging her head on the wall and crying*
Why won't this stop??

yoyogirl 24-05-2013 02:57 PM

I'm checking in right now

Kahlia1981 25-05-2013 12:46 PM

*offers hugs, blankets and teddy bears to all in the ward at present*

I'm just going to curl up in the corner and cry for a bit...

LizzieRose 28-05-2013 02:48 PM

I'm so done... I need to either die or get help... I can't live like this...

YodaBearInterrupted 28-05-2013 06:30 PM

*hugs alexiajayy* help is the better option hun... I know its hard but it will def help you feel better when you have someone to help you

LizzieRose 29-05-2013 02:56 PM

I keep trying to do that, but Mom won't believe something is wrong with me, my boyfriend thinks I'm trying to run away from my problems if I come to live with him, and I have a fear of driving.

Kahlia1981 01-06-2013 01:57 AM

*hugs AlexiaJayy* Is there somewhere like Lifeline or The Samaritans that you could talk to in order to get help if those close to you aren't able to help?

*hugs YodaBearInterrupted* You've been very supportive to those in here, how are you going?

I just want to either die or run away from my life right now. My grandparents will be up here by this time next week, and they'll now be here for our wedding, but I know that my grandad will be lucky to live until Christmas. He may not even make the wedding in July.... Although I knew this would happen I don't want to watch my grandpa die, nor to watch my nanna deteriorate and die, especially without him. The real ambivalence... those two conflicting emotions... I love them and I don't want to see them die.... *sigh*

I'm just going to hide in a corner so I can't hurt myself and ruin what could soon be 5 years SI free.

m0nk 02-06-2013 06:28 AM

he said it's only thoughts in your head, only thoughts in your head only thoughts in your head.

escape artist 02-06-2013 08:03 PM

Hi. I think I'd like to stay in here for a while, if that's ok. I'm scared, and I want to go away. I'll be really quiet and sit really still.

YodaBearInterrupted 04-06-2013 03:32 PM

*hugs m0nk*

*hugs nestenheltborte* I hope that is okay... would you like a blanket or some goodies?

*places brownies, cookies, tea and drinks on the table*

*hugs Kahlia* 5 years is a long time and a great achievement. I am sorry to hear abut your grandparents

I am doing okay I guess.. I have my up and down days. Right now its a sucky day with the voices, but I will try to manage at work

escape artist 04-06-2013 09:57 PM

Blanket, please, thank you... Very stressed, too much going on, but I don't have time to think, and that's a good thing... Hope work goes well for you, YodaBearInterrupted, and that your day gets better...

Sisu 07-06-2013 12:55 AM

*takes some tea and a blanket and moves into a corner*
Hope you don't mind one more person around here...

Kahlia1981 08-06-2013 01:17 PM

My grandparents arrived here on thursday and we saw them today. My nanna barely recognised me.... I don't want to watch them die... Please let me die instead

Sisu 08-06-2013 01:58 PM

Kahlia, I'm so sorry about your nanna :( *hugs if you want them*

Kahlia1981 11-06-2013 10:34 AM

Sisu: Thanks

I've hidden a kitchen knife and my fiancee keeps asking for it... I don't even know why I took it. I mean, I'm so close to 5 years free and I can't even control myself enough to not start collecting "dangerous" things. It would be so easy to just go through on my suicide plan...

*offers hugs to all who are in here and then hides in the corner*

YodaBearInterrupted 15-06-2013 07:32 AM

*hugs all in here*

Barely awake right now at 230 am... i am being pulled in every direction and i can't stop or hide... they all need me... this really sucks

yoyogirl 16-06-2013 12:13 AM

Checks back in a while I think I need a few days here to feel better i feel so shitty right now

Kahlia1981 17-06-2013 08:21 AM

Don't mind me, just hiding in the corner....

*offers hugs, blankets and stuffed toys to all*

Gem-Louise 17-06-2013 10:57 AM

Hi ,is it ok if i come in here? i am not feeling very safe around myself ?

Kahlia1981 18-06-2013 09:43 AM

Gem-Louise: Come on in and make yourself at home. *offers blankets, pillows and stuffed animals*

Suicidal and depressed and have to see my pdoc tomorrow. I think I'm going to be heading down for more ECT after my wedding and exam. *screams* Nonononono....

yoyogirl 18-06-2013 10:24 AM

Feeling really shitty I think I need I be here for a long time

ladispute. 18-06-2013 11:29 AM

*Pokes head in from around the corner* Hi.

Gem-Louise 18-06-2013 12:14 PM

thankyou Kahlia for welcoming me here

feeling really suicidal and low right now do not feel safe

ladispute. 18-06-2013 12:26 PM

*Comes into the room and sits down on floor* Hi Gem-Louise. Why do you feel low?

Gem-Louise 18-06-2013 01:45 PM

Hi lovelydesires there are lots of things going on in my life right now that I am finding hard to control (sits with lovelydesires)

How are you lovely?

yoyogirl 18-06-2013 08:31 PM

Right now I feel like **** been really low all evening not wanting to do much or anything nothing really cheering me up and making me feel better just want to be alone and in an hour and half I am going to bed and staying there. I am soooo bloody miserable. I hate myself so much I feel such a useless failure

ladispute. 19-06-2013 02:27 AM

Gem-Louise: Do you mind sharing some of those things?

Skinnylove911: What's the matter? Why do you feel like such a failure?

yoyogirl 19-06-2013 09:38 PM

Well it's just a lot of thing that have happened to me with the attack, plus getting into debt and lossing friends that has made feel this bad about myself that I feel like I'm a failure and feel like I havent accomplished what I want in life and its makes me feel empty, alone, unmotivated and I feel I need control in my life and nf current eating problems and control it in an away and I feel like im not gonna stop until I'm skinny. Really I don't care if takes dying to get there I want to feel in control of my life and not be dominated by m parents, boyfriend, ex boyfriend and obviously my friend heather. So instead I'm in rut where I am starving myself and I'm NOT getting for it.

yoyogirl 19-06-2013 09:39 PM


Kahlia1981 20-06-2013 11:44 AM

skinnylove: That's a lot to bear. Getting into debt and losing friends is something I can relate to, as are the ED-like thoughts. This may sound really stupid or cliché, but we all struggle to get in control of our lives, or parts of them. As both a survivor or suicide, and a survivor of suicide attempts I really hope that you can get through this without travelling down that road. *offers safe hugs*

I'm not coping at present. My mood is low and I'm getting used to the fact that I'm going to have to travel down to Brisbane for ECT after I sit my deferred exam. *sigh* Last round I didn't improve and gained a 12-month hole in my memory from the ECT. I just want to disappear right now

*disappears into a corner with my teddy bear*

Gem-Louise 20-06-2013 11:58 AM

I am in the process of talking to the police about being sexually abused and its all getting to me ,my mental health worker is having a meeting with adult safe guarding and the police and her boss on Wednesday and I don't know how to handle it I just really do not want to be ere anymore :(

Kahlia1981 20-06-2013 01:12 PM

Gem-Louise: I'm not surprised that it's getting to you. Having to talk about situations like that can make us relive the experience to start with, and talking to police who can be brutal in their investigating, doesn't make it any easier. Is your mental health worker able to provide, or organise, support for you while this process is going on?

yoyogirl 20-06-2013 11:11 PM

The debt I don't really give a damn about it, it happened and that's in the past right now but it's the lack of career, people bragging about their wonderful lives and basically making me feel **** and also I am very jealous and I envy my parents, cousins and brother for having friends and I am left with people I don't see regularly apart from the wonderful graham who see twice a week and I do see people at the mind centre but I generally feel left out. I mean people my age are out dancing at the weekend and I have only been once or twice that was couple of years ago. I am also jealous of my cousins cos they are doing a levels between age 16-18 and I didn't I had to wait till I was 21 and the fact they can all drive and I can't.
Plus they are going to uni in the coming years and the odds of me ever going are so f****** slim. 1 in a billion maybe (: everything has been perfect for them

Kahlia1981 21-06-2013 10:58 AM

skinnylove: Jealousy can be a nasty activity for your self-esteem. If I can share something... I went straight from high school to uni to study OT (occupational therapy) and, in my third year, I became psychotic. I then had to deal with the fact that all the people I had been studying with were out in the world and earning money etc, and I couldn't do anything. It took me years, and the support of a disability employment agency, before I could work, or start studying again. All my friends were married or in relationships and I was single. They all went out to the clubs, and I didn't. I'm not going to tell you your situation is or isn't bad, firstly that's not my job and secondly it wouldn't get you, or me, anywhere. I've always thought that my sister got an easy trip through life - study, career, husband, child - but my own life didn't start coming together in any way until I turned my attention to what I wanted to and could do with my life. Sorry, I feel that will come across as if I'm lecturing you... I'm really sorry if it does. All I'm trying to say is that looking into someone's else's life can stop you living your own. And, though it may not feel like it now, there may be something good just around the corner that's worth hanging in there for.

Dropping like a stone right now.... Can't wait until the wedding and exam are over even if that means more ECT. *sigh*

Gem-Louise 21-06-2013 11:04 AM

She said that she will be there for me every step of the way :(

yoyogirl 21-06-2013 11:29 AM

I have tried to look on the bright side and buy because its in my face 24/7 with Facebook, at home and in town I can't escape

Kahlia1981 22-06-2013 11:53 AM

Gem-Lousie: That's a good start. Have you opened up to her about how it is making you feel? *offers safe hugs*

skinnylove: I don't know if it's possible (or would be positive) as I hardly know anything about your life, but are you able to limit your time on facebook, remove friends and family that trigger your envy or perhaps create a facebook account under another name that you can use to only put in friends/family that don't boast about their lives? The feeling of being trapped, unable to escape, can be overwhelming. Please keep talking to us, you are not alone.

My mood is still dropping. This must be a long, dark chasm that I'm falling into. :(

yoyogirl 23-06-2013 07:24 PM

I do but I can escape anymore
I'm sorry I am going through so much right now crying x

Kahlia1981 24-06-2013 09:06 AM

skinnylove: You don't need to apologise, especially not in here. You are human and that means you are entitled to make mistakes, become emotional and overwhelmed and feel despair. Just try to hang in there and keep talking to us. *offers safe hugs and tissues*

I didn't sleep last night... I was just so low that my brain was running over and over my suicide plans. Stress is a big contributing factor to how I feel, I recognise that. I still wish I could just disappear from the world or completely switch my brain and emotions off. *sigh*

yoyogirl 24-06-2013 09:51 AM

Still not great mentally at the moment really want to end it I can't handle things right now I'm too overwhelmed

yoyogirl 25-06-2013 12:19 AM

**elle you got admit that you are in crisis right now you need help now. Stop using your distractions as way of escaping from your problems

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