:crying:Can't wait to get out of this flipping house:crying:

*hugs everyone*

Katie *hugs* - how soon before you leave?

Hannah - *hugs back* thanks for the hugs and the tea; hope things are going alright with you.. you said you had a deep dread about today; hope it passes.

Dayna - *hugs* hope the triggeredness passes soon... good luck with your appointments today; I hope they both go well.

Helen - how are things now? sorry that you've been having a rough day... i dislike mondays too!

Katrica - hopefully soon your mom will ease up a bit and not get so freaked out.. sorry that's been happening though.. how's your day going today?

Secrets - sorry to hear about your rough day! how are things going now? Hope the triggeredness passes quickly.

Hana - glad to hear you had wonderful times at church. It's not too much to ask for Tom to spend time with you without the 360; are you able to talk to him about?

Mary Anne - thanks for asking... I've updated below.. I would have been scared too with a stranger banging on the door; eeks! How is work going today? Hope your sunday was better than you thought..

Zowie - *cuddles* you deserve better than that hun! Also, I never replied to your previous post; I wanted to say that it was great that you had a nice time with your other friends watching movies the other night. Hope things are going ok.

*leaves hugs for everyone else who hasn't checked in recently - hope things are ok*

--
Sorry that I haven't been around much over the last bit; I have been in a weird place emotionally.. at times I feel so low that I'm nearly ready to give up, and then other times I'm just neutral and somewhat empty. not sure what's going on.

*nips in for a quick snooze on the couch*

like everyone else I think Mondays are rubbish!

*leaves lots of hugs, tea and biscuits*

Just wanted to let you all know I am thinking of you

will be back later.x.

Thanks for the support everyone. I still feel miserable and angry but I am feeling proud of myself as I am two months free today!
I decided you were all right, they aren't worth my tears and certainly aren't worth throwing away two months of recovery just because they are all c***s. So there :P x

*curls up in the corner*

I can't face the world today, I think Ive finally broken

*hugs secrets and katricia*

*hugs all*

I **** everything up. I was supossed to see my lecturer again today as I didn't go to a meeting with her last week, and what do I do? Miss it again. Then I missed her lecture at the same time. Well done Helen. Another lecture you've gone & missed. *rolls eyes* I had an email from my combined honours programme leader today, abouyt the email I sent to my lecturer (who's a senoir tutor) and she's asked me to see somone else, who will then decide if I need to go see the programme leader aswell. I think it's to decide how to help me get back on track with assignments and she's concerned about me missing lectures too- opps. I've only missed two so far this term which is a better start already I suposse :S But we'll see how we progress.

curls up and crys in the corner, argh cant take much more of this, hits head aganst wall

I think the world should just give us all a bit of a f***ing break (can I say that?) either that or the world should be doling out hugs and endorphins by the dozen to make us feel better. I think we should manufacture vitamin D.

*Hugs Shell* keep trying to find a way past the neutrality and sadness to something better, you deserve it.

*hugs Zowie* good for you - wish I was that strong

*tucks Secrets into a blanket and gives her a gentle squeeze* hope you're okay hun.

*Hugs Katricia* I think I'd be scared shitless of being diagnosed, I much prefer burying my head in the sand and pretending that I don't have a problem, of course that coping mechanism is no better than SI :confused: Good luck diagnosing the diagnosis

*hugs MammaMia* sorry to hear you missed your meeting, hopefully you can re-arrange and you get it all sorted, University is worth it in the end even if you sometimes feel like you're wading through cement to get anywhere, you can do it :-)

*hugs shadowedsoul and offers a cuppa* if you wanna talk you know you can here.

Right, am procrastinating again have to get some interview prep before I head off dancing, oh if only I can pull this interview off....thursday, I need a little bit of luck and a little miracle. Keep going peeps we can all do it.

Thanks wildly insane, I'll just go see her when I'm in on Wednesday if I get chance :) Uni is like walking through cemet at the moment haha, well it feels bit like it...

Hi everyone

*hugs Helen* hope you mange to see your lecturer later in the week, i went to uni with people who only ever semed to go to half the lectures! What year are you in (you will no doubt have mentioned this but I have failed to notice).

*Hugs Wildy Insane* I totally agree, I think we should all get a free day off from the world once in a while. What sort of dancing? (I do burlesque dancing, totally takes my mind off everything for an hour a week).

*hugs Shadowedsoul* is it anything you want to chat about?

*hugs Zowie* congrats on 2 months free :) well done on not giving in when it would have been so easy to do so.

*hugs Kat* I'm sure you will get an explanation of those (trying to think of a word other than disorders) at your first in person meeting. I think that giving a name to what you have can help as you know it is something real and not made up.

*hugs Secrets* Now that you have reminded me your exam is tomorrow, try and get a good sleep if you can. Sending you all my good luck thoughts.

*hugs Ravyn* I understand how you feel (often there myself swinging between the lowest of the low and just plowing on but automatic piolt not really noticing what is going on around you). Not sure I know the way out but sending lots of hugs your way.

*hugs Snuffles, Dayna, Kahlia, KDoll, Jetforce and anybody else lurking*

A bit less tired today than I have been, was trying to be "good" with my eating but I had a hypo (not a diabetic but struggle with my blood sugar levels) this afternoon so had to stuff down some chocolate, so much for fitting into my party dress next month. Being bigger than normal (normally a 10, 12 just now - not massive I know but not what I am used to) is getting me down but I just don;t have the energy to go to the gym after work.
My mum said tonight I looked exhausted on Saturday (and I had 10 hours sleep the night before) damn this depression induced exhaustion ) at least I assume that is where it is coming from.

Anyways, enough about me, I hope everyone is okay, "Blue Monday" (apparently it is the most depressing day of the year today) is now nearly over.

Does anyone have snow? We never get any in Glasgow (too much smog probably!)

*leaves blankets and hot chocolate for everyone*

hmm i have got no idea what iam doing anymore. i want to cut, hmm trying not to, struggleing, wish people would just let me be, okay iam up in my room alone, and yes aim loney, but its safe, but they cant see that no they try and change me run my life. and like a muppet i just go along with it, because i cant say no. i am sick and tired of it, i want it all to stop. sorry being a whiney baby, just had enough, and want it all to end. =/

WE GOT SNOW! Preston actually got a weeeeeeeeeeeny leeeetle bit of snow today o_o;. Twas weeiiirdddd.

Oh, and hyper Däyna is hyper. So scuse me while I talk **** =D.

Mein housemate couldn't get through to el CAB today ._.;; but she spoke to Mr Housing Association bloke, and he said he's gonna send us a pamphlet about who the council are obliged to help blah blah, and I think we can put a request in to be helped or summat.

Granzilla was all 'OMGWTF' when she heard the news and is gonna speak to the people who deals with housing for people like one of my uncles (he's a long term Schitzophrenia sufferer) cos they has social workers n the like, so she's gonna see what the council's obligation is, if owt at all. Daddypoos is worried, apparently ._.;; and the only other thing I can think of that I needed to mention was Mr Doctor.

It went okay, methinks =D. Was nervous and triggered waiting, and the triggeredness actually got worse when I got into the office, so I sort of ended up clawing at the back of my hand <__<;; and then I just sort of told him bout the ole depression getting worse, mentioned the eviction, unstable moods blah blah and all that.

He gave me a depression sheet assessment jobbit to fill in, asked me questions like, have I been on medication in the past (no), would I like to try it (yes), how do I self harm, cutting (yes), have I made plans to kill myself (no), do I know how I'd do it (yes) etc etc. And he prescribed me 10 miligrams of Citolpram, I think it was called. Sticking me on 10 instead of the usual 20 cos he dun wanna run the risk of making me worse =B so I has to get down to the chemist with mah prescription tomorrows, and report back to the quack in two weeks. If I'm still in the area. Aside from that, he just said that if I ain't, I needs to get to a local doc soon as poss, and if I have stroooong suicidal thoughts, I needs to go to A&E o.o;;.

*Glomples all*

Dayna - is is escitalopram? That is what I am on, it takes about a week to really start working and it can make you nauseous whilst it enters your system but I can say that it does work for me. I was on 20 when I was really bad, serious self harm, attempted suicide, drinking etc and am on 10 just now, not so near the edge. (My doctor who first put me on it also said it depends how big you are as such, at 5'11 and well built & even if not fat, my system needs a higher dose than some other people to get round). 10 apparently is the standard dose and will help most 'normal' size people (i.e. I am a giant!).

Hope the housing people are of help
Yay - you got snow :)
*sending you lots of hugs*


Shadowedsoul - glad you were able to tell us a bit and you are not whining. I assume you live with your parents, never easy. Not sure I have anything to say to help but sending you lots of hugs and hope the triggered feeling passes soon. Always here to chat to it you need/want.

*hugs to everyone*

Mary Anne: Citalopram, I just went and had a look xD. Uhh, I think the doc said that 20 was usual but he was gonna give me 10 cos I ain't been on meds before. He didn't say owt about how 'big' a person is either o.o. Andlolmycomputer'sbeinganarse.

Not a lot of snow, but some =D! *Hugs back* ^__^

Checks self in.

I need to be protected from her, the voice.
Most of all protected from me

Jade

Welcome Jade :)

We didn't have any snow :( Mary Anne, I'm in first year so my marks this year won't count to my final degree marks but I still need to pass all my modules to move into second year, not sure how that's going to happen but asking for help now may just come to the recuse in time, we'll see.

Apprantly the most depressing day of the year is on Thursday and not today? Well that's what I've heard....

Dayna - guess your med is probably the same 'family' as mine, only one doc ever talked about size relating to dose, maybe she was trying to make me feel better! One good thing - the pharmacist never even blinks an eye giving them out (I was totally paranoid the first time I got my perscription that they would be judging me). *hugs*

I want snow and lots of it (enough to stop me going to work and so being forced to stay in and watch DVDs!)

Helen, keep going sweetie, uni gets easier as time goes on, I hated first year and wanted to leave the whole time, i don't think i settled until easter time, many teary visits to my head of year. Well done asking for help - that is a huge step and once they know you need help they will be there for you (I remember various dispensations are available that they don;t tell you about - i only found out cause I became partially deaf in my final year and the shock of that caused me upset so I spoke to my tutors who told me that exam results can be looked at in light of problems so do not despair) *hugs*

Welcome Jade *offers hugs*

Well, I think it is bedtime for me (it takes me about an hour to get to sleep at the moment so if i want a decent amount of sleep I have to go bed at about the same time as a 10 year old!

*leaves hugs for those coming in during the night (well it is here)*

Thank you for making me feel welcome <hugs back>

<grabs blanket> Settles down for the night.

I was in need of some hugs and company, so thank you

Jade

My thoughts are with you, Im a little lost of words right now

Jade xxx

*sits with Jade to guard from the voice* Hope you are ok there.

Well done on seeing the doctor Dayna, very proud of you. I have been on Citalopram before and it was ok. If it makes you a bit nauseous I found taking it before food helped.

*hugs Katrica, Mary Anne, Kahlia, Nicole, Ravyn, Jem, Ileana, Helen and anyone else has forgotten* I'm sorry, my mind is playing games at the moment. Thinking of you all though.

Mary Anne: Ooohh dear, I have a lot to learn lmao. Same sort of 'family'? Like, you're on something similar? *Hugs back and gives lots of snow*

Jade: Hey, welcome *hugs tightly*

Kat: x__O He seems a bit of a prick tbh *hugs as well*

Emma: Thankies ^__^ and ooh, thanks for the advice as well. I'll keep that in mind

Helen: Fingers crossed for you <3

*Glomps all*

Mary Anne, I am trying to keep going. I was going to drop out but I'm still trying. Starting new modules which will help hopfully. But yeah, am hoping these people will help. It was hard asking for someone else for help- but it was needing doing. I have moderate hearing loss in both ears :( So I can only imagine how upsetting it was for you *cuddles* I want lots of snow too, but I also want to go for a long long long walk tomorrow (and to maybe never return?)...*sighs* Hope you sleep well xxxxxx

Jade, you're welcome hunni, hope you sleep well.

Emma, cuddles in return hun, don't forget we're here for you hun. x

Dayna, thanks for the good luck, I need it :) x

I'm sure everything'll go fiiine <3

Hi all. Just dropping in quickly while hogging an ethernet port out at uni. First point of interest : it's not raining today. Well so far anyway . . . it is only 08:30. Secondly, I'm sitting in the HX (general computer lab) building and so far 5 students (or potential students . . . it's impossible to tell) and 3 staff have walked into the entrance door instead of opening it first. I'm not sure, but I think that says something about the general intelligence of those attending this university.

I feel like **** at the moment. My moods are seriously all over the place. My uni schedule for this semester presently looks like someone was deliberately trying to make it as annoying as possible. One day 8am and 4pm classes and nothing else on that day in any of the other subjects. Blech. I'm hoping to find out today which subjects I have as possibilities . . . but I won't hold my breath.

Good news (sort of) : I see my pdoc today. A little apprehensive regarding that one but, as always, it has to be faced and now is as good a time as any to do so.

Also, we should be getting our internet restored today. Our landlady is supposed to come home at some point today in order to start work again tomorrow. (And I say thank-you to any gods that happen to be listening for that small mercy - she is a royal pain in the neck when she is home all day.)

*leaves hugs for everyone and wishes that she was currently able to reply to everyone individually. . . she does wish to let you all know that she has read all posts since her last post however*

Kahlia: *Giggles* Ohhh dear. I would've been super embarrassed if I was one of those smart people who walked into the door. I hope things go well with your pdoc, and yaay, glad to hear that you're getting internetz back soon ^__^ *hugs*

hmm thanks for your support, hmm think i just curl up, and sleep, feeling kind off low. hmm =/

One of bracelets flew off whilst dancing and I lost it for a while which meant I got paranoid about people seeing the bandage on my wrist, can't wear long sleeves dancing, get too hot and smelly :-p but I think it was okay, and got the bracelet back. I do modern jive on a monday and ballroom and latin on a tuesday and I want to start something else on another day, maybe pole dancing or burlesque? but have to get a job so I can afford it, arrgghh an tying myself in knots about thursday because I want this job so very much and it's only monday (just) - must go to bed - one day I will actually make it to bed at a reasonable hour - yeah right. oh and I have to get somebody to check whether my stitches should come out yet, it always takes so much effort to see anyone I almost walked out before I got them done, but I guess I just have to find the courage, I hope whoever it is is nice....

*hugs Mary Anne* I'm tall as well - somewhere between 5ft10 and 11, but haven't been a 10 since I was 18 (am a 12) and people call me skinny so I'm sure you're fine just the way you are :-)

*hugs shadowedsoul* hope you feel better tomorrow
*hugs Dayna*
*hugs Jade, offers a hot water bottle and tucks her in*

*Hugs Helen* honestly tutors are usually very understanding when it comes to "extenuating circumstances" it took me until my third year before telling my tutor and she was so lovely, and actually told me afterwards that I gained my grade without her having to use the aforementioned "extenuating circumstances" which I thought was really nice of her. keep going and hopefully you will find the new subjects interesting and good luck again with your tutor, it's worth it in the end.

*hugs Emma* hope you are okay

*hugs Kahlia* images of those people walking into the doors is ace :-D

*hugs Katricia* hope things get better hun

*think I've left some people out if I have am sorry, please, if you want a hug, feel free, I give hugs in abundance as you may have already guessed*

am very tired now, I was a completely scatty pea-brained airhead today which was quite amusing but not really good at work.........dozing off....am cold again..........

ps sorry for the essay

*leaves some blueberry muffins for ppl*

Hi guys.. hope your ok

*hugs to all*

Real estate people came today.. they have the first open house inspection thingy on saturday =( I'm looking at a place this arvo.. fingers crossed. It looks good. Bit on the expensive side, but we'll just budget dearly till he gets a job.. I'm thinking of getting a casual job, but with all this financial ****, and unemployement rates rising.. I keep thinking what's the point? Plus I wanna focus on uni..

Ugh.. I have 2 weeks home alone.. BF's at a course for 2 weeks from 8-4. So.. home alone.. Ana thoughts.. man.. it's crap... been trying to fight them. Kinda won yesterday.. but yeah.. *sigh*

Morning everyone,

Dayna - I took a look on the internet my med is apparently an updated version of yours (so wikipedia tells me anyway!). I have also been todl that it can help taking it beofre bed (as if you are asleep you won;t notice the nausea but I am not sure if this works as I never tried it). Hope you get your prescription today *hugs*

*Wildy Insane* I am sure everyone was too busy dancing to notice your arm :) Glad to hear I am not the only giant! I have previously done lap dancing (girls only!) and I love burlesque, you get right into character, I have even been on stage (had to get a close friend to cover my arm in concealer and I got away with it!) *hugs*

Kahlia, good to hear from you *hugs*

Helen, it took me years to adjust to losing some hearing (it was 9 years ago now, yikes I am OLD) Hope you get out for a nice long walk today *hugs*

Sorry, will have to run as at work, *leaves hugs for everyone*

Insomnia kinda sucks...but I have music with me.

*sneaks in, hugs everyone*

I am sorry that I haven't been around much lately; I've been so drained it's hard to do things.

Can't reply specifically now; but I have read all your posts and am thinking of you all. You are all very dear to me.

*crawls in a corner to sleep, under nice warm duvet*

Afternoon everyone, just a flying visit.
Im amazing nervous now about my exam but Im sure Ill be fine, urges and ana thoughts have taken over the past few days however am home from today for a while so hopefully itll help me get back into control. May not be artound daily.

*leaves hugs and hot chocolate*

Thinkg of you all xxx

Feeling much better today.
I've lost my nose stud so I'm wearing an earing. It's uncomfortable.

Have read your posts and I am thinking of all of you.
Love you all xxx

hmm what the hell is wrong with me, why cant i be happy, iam i so messed up that i cant be, this is getting stuiped,every single day wakeing up feeling this, feeling down, feeling lost, make it all stop, please. cant handle all these stuiped thoughts. just want my smile back, to be happy again. even for a little while. might give me something to fight for. some reason to stop all this.hmm sorry, will just curl up in the corner and dissapear. =/

Speedy lunchtime visit, good luck Secrets.

*leaves hugs and cookies for all*

*bangs head against wall*

Glad tonight is nearly over

Ah ha! I have found my old nose ring!
Looks a bit odd as I have both nostrils pierced, and am now wearing a stud in one and a hoop in the other. But hey, it's better than wearing a big earing in it.

*hugs all*

Haven't gone for a walk yet. Am so worried about a couple of people right now amongst other stuff. Feels too much right now to deal with one by one. *sighs* Some things I just can't deal with? =\

leaves hugs for Jetforce, Ileana, zowie, mary anne

*hugs snuffles hope being home alone is okay, keep fighting *

*hugs Secrets* good luck with your exam

*hugs shadowedsoul* hope things get better soon, keep aiming for that smile.

*hugs MammaMia* take it easy, and slowly if that's what you need to do.

*hugs Ravynsoul* hey hun, things will get easier

tried getting a nurses appointment to see whether it was time I could take my steri strips off as the nurse said I had to check cos the wound was a bit too deep, and it was too old to stitch, but the receptionist said that they don't have a free nurses appointment until next week!!!! WTF, I can go back to the drop-in centre where I got them done but I didn't like the nurse and have to wait hours and I don't have time to do that at the moment. She did say I could take them off myself so that's what I'm gonna end up doing.

*leaves a bundle of hugs for anybody who needs them*

We have internet at home. If I was feeling a bit more ... lively/upbeat/happy/whatever ... I'd give you a cry of joy at that. At the moment ...

I'm now enrolled in two subjects in SP1 at uni. The academic advisor offerred me a choice of 2 subjects to take on as my second subject but when she mentioned the name of one she took note of the retching sound and the look on my face. I said I hated multimedia and she actually said that she had to agree with me on that point ... That it seemed completely pointless spending hours making a little ball bounce around the screen. For SP2 I have one core subject and 5 electives to choose from. Meh.

My appointment with the pdoc did not go brilliantly. I told him about my ana thoughts and urges and my recent weightloss and he told me that the weightloss was something I could do with because I wasn't underweight to start with. I don't know if he realised it, but that triggered two things.

1. The thoughts - I must be so fat, I must give in to the ana thoughts and urges so that I can lose weight, I should not be eating, obviously only thin girls can have disordered thinking about eating, I don't matter, I don't deserve to live ... et cetera
2. The desire - to get down to the weight that he mentioned so that I can say to him "does my weightloss and disordered thinking about eating matter now?"

Add to that a few other things that happened and I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to scream and cry and SI. None of which I can really do. I just want out.

*curls up in corner willing the tears to start*

You not being selfish Kahlia

*cuddles you tightly and then cuddles all who are able to have a cuddle*

*Headdesk*

Does anyone have any allergy medicine? Is there even a medicine cabinet here in the ward? I have serious allergies today. Sucks.

Sorry I haven't properly responded to posts that were written to me xx

*hugs Kahlia* if I were you I'd get another pdoc, you really don't need that, *offers, nice cuddly duvet to snuggle in, and a shoulder to cry on if you need one*

*offers Ileana some antihistamines, hope they work*

*hugs Katricia and anybody else who drops by before I fall asleep*

*goes off to fill up hot water bottle*

*offers hugs*

Hannah - *hugs back* *gives you a teddybear to go with the hot water bottle.* Hope you have a nice sleep. Did the steri-strips come off ok? I agree, stupid nurse :S

Helen - *cuddles back* how are you doing?

Ileana - sorry to hear about your allergies; hopes the anti-histamines work... offers some calamine lotion to reduce any itchiness..

Katrica - *hugs* sorry to hear that people have been making up stuff and that you're feeling paranoid; hope that when you get the fish tank it will only be filled with good memories of the present and future..

Dayna - what's wrong?

Kahlia - *hugs back* you're not selfish at all.. the stupid doc should think about what he says!! he doesn't know what he's talking about. glad to hear about the internet access, but hope the triggeredness passes quickly

Arwen/Zowie - that actually sounds cool with the two different nose rings :)

Katie - *cuddles* hope tomorrow brings better things

Mary Anne - how was work for you today? thanks for the hugs and cookies!

Jade - how are you doing today? *cuddles you*

Emma - *hugs back* how are things going for you?

Jem - *thanks for the muffins* How have you been?

Secrets - hope your exam went well, let us know how things are
--
man, lots of food in here! *offers hot chocolate and marshmallows*

finally starting to feel somewhat clearer head again... less low, more neutral/numb.. better functioning at least..

*leaves hugs for all those I've missed [stupid brain!] and/or haven't checked in for a while*