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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 09-08-2018 10:01 PM

Beyond repair.
I am broken beyond repair. What options do I have left if nothing has worked?

I am sad. I am storing up pills. I am cutting severely. I am regularly taking slightly too many other pills because I'm in severe pain all day every day at present.

Please can people help me see viable options. Bearing in mind I have to work full time to afford to live.

And I am exhausted. But there's a fireworks display going on less than a mile from my house so I can't sleep.

The only option is to apply to the Netherlands for euthanasia.

tamobhuuta 10-08-2018 11:59 AM

This isn't the end, please stay alive and try not to hurt yourself. I can't remember, are you with the CMHT? If so, make sure they know just how hard things are and offer you more support.

Aubergine 10-08-2018 09:59 PM

The CMHT need to pull their fingers out and help you. There are options, but you need more CMHT input because you cannot keep doing this on your own. I know I remember you saying that the DWP were really awful to you about PIP (something ridiculous about fraud?), but did you ever appeal? I would urge you to keep contacting people until they support you. I know it's so, so exhausting to do on your own, but you need and deserve support and the right help it out there somewhere (that doesn't involve euthanasia).

Cpt_Stunning 11-08-2018 07:45 AM

Have you tried the Linden Method?

Cpt_Stunning 11-08-2018 07:49 AM

Your situation does seem desperate, was there a time in your life when you were OK, happy?

chinahorse 11-08-2018 07:58 AM

I don't want to be happy I just want to wake up and not wish I was dead and had died in my sleep.

I don't have time to apply to PIP again or appeal.

My cpn said yesterday that she was encouraged that I'd replaced blood letting with severe self harm. What the eff? So it's ok I'm cutting lumps of fat out my leg?! The answer is apparently long term therapy. But for that I'd have to go private and I can't really afford it.

I dunno what the linden method is.

nonperson 11-08-2018 08:47 AM

If I'm honest and if things really are that desperate and if you really WANT the help, then if PIP is something that will help then I think you need to make time.

Why do you have to pay for long term therapy? Are you not even being offered short term therapy by your CMHT?

tamobhuuta 11-08-2018 11:19 AM

Was it your CPN who said you need long term therapy? My sister's care coordinator did the same. Could you either go back to them or whoever is above them, and ask why they're not going to provide what they've said you need?

chinahorse 11-08-2018 11:54 AM

What's the point in making time for something that will be a waste of time?

I am being offered therapy in working hours. I can't afford to take time off work. Not a case of I need to prioritise or whate very but that I litreally do not have the means to take a morning off work.

nonperson 11-08-2018 01:30 PM

If you're being offered therapy that you really need then you need to find a way to make it happen.

Have you talked to work about it? Could you work reduced hours and get some additional benefits to cover the loss in money? Could you suggest having time off in the week for therapy and make up the hours every Saturday instead? (Personally think this could be a very reasonable and sensible suggestion to make).

I know nothing about PIP or benefits or any of that but I know you need help and you need to do something (other than suicide) to help things improve.

I know you feel like there aren't any options but there are. There really are.

chinahorse 11-08-2018 01:53 PM

Im a trainee dental nurse apart from 1 saturday a month there isn't anyone in the building. I already work that 1 saturday a month.

There isn't a way to make it happen. That's my point. I can't loose the income. I can't magic that money from anywhere. I don't have savings because I was in hospital 9 months of last year.

Buttons. 11-08-2018 05:38 PM

This is ridiculous Lillie I hate how you are and have been being treated. I wish I could do something for you but unfortunately I can't, but I can continue to hope things get better for you and care about your well being as you are worth caring about.

one_step_closer 11-08-2018 06:46 PM

Do work know about your health issues? Is there no way that the CMHT can provide you with support or something to encourage your work to be more flexible? Can someone help you with applying for benefits again, someone who knows how to get your points across? I know you're trying and you deserve support. Someone needs to listen to you. Do you think anyone hears just how much you're struggling?

chinahorse 12-08-2018 12:23 AM

I feel attacked and not listened to that I can not afford therapy or time off work for a weekly appointment no matter what I'm entitled to law wise. This adds to the evidence that all I am is an inconvenience.

I'm not a member of a union because that costs money. Everything costs money that I don't have.

No one is listening or seems to get how utterly desolate I feel. I want love and care and somebody to make it better.

I have tried and all I get is attacked. I'm not superwoman. I just want to wake up and feel ok. Not happy. Just ok.

I wish to die. There are no viable options.

Thanks for saying you care though guys <3

Cpt_Stunning 12-08-2018 07:34 AM

It depends on what your problems are.

The Linden Method is basically an intensive CBT course that you can do at home without having to see someone. It helps get rid of intrusive thoughts.

Cpt_Stunning 12-08-2018 07:43 AM

Google it, it was Nov 2006 that I found out about it, the situation was getting desperate & anxiety was ruining my life like you wouldn't believe.

Cpt_Stunning 12-08-2018 07:45 AM

If it's any comfort, no-one seems to understand either when I try to talk about it, so you're not alone on that one.

[Luna] 12-08-2018 10:35 AM


Originally Posted by chinahorse (Post 4185329)
I feel attacked and not listened to that I can not afford therapy or time off work for a weekly appointment no matter what I'm entitled to law wise. This adds to the evidence that all I am is an inconvenience.

Could you explain this more? Just so we can understand. I'm sorry it's so frustrating.

one_step_closer 12-08-2018 04:29 PM

Lillie I know I say it over and over again but I can hear your pain and how trapped you feel and I'm hugely sorry I don't have any practical advice for you. You matter lots and I wish someone would help you to get what you need. Keep talking to people over and over again, maybe they will listen eventually.

chinahorse 12-08-2018 07:07 PM

Luna- I have to repeatedly say I can't afford something and them am questioned on it. I am thus an inconvenience who should just find a way to make something happen despite me saying I don't have the money.

Cpt- its very very pricey :/

I don't think the cmht understand how bad I feel Lindsey. Though my cpn has she won't give up on me or give me permission to die. Which is unfair if they can't offer me a treatment I can feasibly do.

I'm frustrated, sad, in severe pain and very very lonely. And I'm getting it stuck in my head that I need to do x form of self harm.

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