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MammaMia 27-02-2010 03:44 PM

*cuddles all around*

Doikers 27-02-2010 07:57 PM

* Hugs everyone *

Kahlia1981 28-02-2010 06:21 AM

*hugs everyone*

one_step_closer 28-02-2010 12:59 PM

*leaves hugs*

I wish I would die.

Jetforce 28-02-2010 01:03 PM

Cool bananas Kahlia!! U'll have a beast of a machine over there hehe....! Do u plan to put the parts in yourself or will somebody do it for u?

*decides to hide in the psych ward tonite and cuddles all*

Scarletdreamer 28-02-2010 03:19 PM

I am so ****ing anxious right now. I can't concentrate on schoolwork & I want to b/p. I hate my life. :(

Sorry to be a negative Nancy... how is everyone else? *cuddles for all*

Doikers 28-02-2010 04:40 PM

Oh crap I've eaten so much , comfort eating it's not good especially when I am feeling so overweight . I want to S.I. 1.To punish myself for being so weak willed 2. To divert attention away for this Intense high feeling i've been getting latley , I don't know how else to deal with it .
*Hugs for you all*
I know my problems are not huge but I needed to air them , sorry.

MammaMia 28-02-2010 06:05 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry we all seem to be struggling at the moment.

Scarletdreamer 28-02-2010 07:40 PM

*cuddles Mark, Helen, anyone else lurking who wants cuddles*

Yeh, it seems that it's a rough patch for us all. :( How're you, Helen? & it's fine, Mark, to post here. You don't need to SI... you can make it through... keep fighting, you've done SO WELL so far!!!!


MammaMia 28-02-2010 08:10 PM

Still struggling away, trying to hold on? My best friend, well one of them, told me they were proud today. She knows I've had a lot of bad emotions & really wanting to od/die etc lately but haven't done anything bad (except cut..) so she's proud, she knows how hard it is for me not to when I want to.

Scarletdreamer 28-02-2010 09:30 PM

That's awesome, Hels. You need to hear more things like that. *holds you* Things will be okay... you and I are in similar places it sounds like, mentally... sounds like a LOT of us are. I wish I could help us all, snap my fingers & sprinkle magical fairydust on all of us and then have everything be okay. :(

I am struggling with BN urges but am NOT going to let myself give in to them. I made a support group for me on FB today... feel kind of guilty and selfish for doing so but I felt like it was something I needed to do, I don't know... :(

*hides*

Kahlia1981 28-02-2010 11:29 PM

Jem - My computer is already a beast lol. Seriously the specs make some people's eyes water. It's just getting kitted out. I'm going to put the parts in myself. Like I built the rest of the computer.

*huggles everyone*

I'm so sick of this depression. If something in my medication doesn't change soon I feel like I'm going to have to ask my pdoc to go through 1 course of ECT (12 sessions here). I really don't want to. I definitely want that to be an option of last resort.

*sigh*
*leaves cuddles for anyone who wants/needs them*

Scarletdreamer 01-03-2010 12:13 AM

I went through ECT last year. Have you gone through it before, Kahlia? And yeh, I was the same way, wanted it to be a last resort. It didn't help me, which is frustrating... wasted a semester doing nothing... :( but oh well, it was worth a shot.

Am struggling right now... want to purge so badly... same old same old I know. :(

MammaMia 01-03-2010 01:14 AM

Thanks April. I guess I do need to hear more things like that *holds tight* I hope things will be ok. It's been one thing after another and it's not getting any better yet. Nearly broke down on the phone earlier haha. I think we are in similar places mentally. I also wish I could help us all, snap my fingers & sprinkle magical fairydust on all of us and then have everything be okay. :(

*cuddles Kahlia* Hope things change real soon babe, I know how much you hate ECT :(

Wish today was over already. Hate this. 6 ****ing years. ****ing hell, this afternoon is going to be pure hell >_> :'(

Jetforce 01-03-2010 07:41 AM

*a bit jealous that u have a beast of a machine* lol...

My comp is like 5 yrs old now, still on the AMD 939 sockets lol

*hides under my bed* meh, i don't have enuf energy to get up these days :-(

Kahlia1981 01-03-2010 08:15 AM

April - yeah I had ECT last year. 1 full course (12 sessions here) and then another 3 or 4 sessions. The first lot saved my life, but I don't want it again because the relief is only temporary. That might sound a little screwy, but it's going to be a pain in the arse to even achieve it this time - if it is required.

Hels - *cuddles you right back* I hope something changes, even just a medication change might be enough to get me back on the right track.

Jem - Mine is technically called "The Beast Mach 2" my housemate's is the beast, lol. Mine whomps arse over his. It made our old landlord cry (we both have 8 GBs of RAM - if we'd been able to get it we would have 16 GBs each)

*hugs everyone*

Still in a down mood state. Getting so sick of this. Had a phone call from the Mental Illness Fellowship today because I'd put an application in and then had a really negative interaction with a particular staff member. They've spoken to her and invited me to come in on Wednesday for the Coffee Club. *shrugs*

*walks up to everyone she can find and offers them hugs then disappears into a dark corner*

Kahlia1981 01-03-2010 08:35 AM

Oops, just realised that the ECT was in 2008... for some reason I was thinking this is still 2009 ... bit of an issue when it's the first of March lol.

Doikers 01-03-2010 10:31 AM

Ugh I don't know whats wrong with me one moment I'm totally hyper high and the next I can barely get out of bed let alone out of the house . I just went to go for a walk , reaasoning that the sunlight and fresh air might pick my mood up , I got maybe 20 paces out of the flat and I just had to turn around and come back , I just coulden't face being out , I have an nurses appointment later that I HAVE to go to I'll have to walk to that :S.....
Plus my front door handle half comes off when I close it from the outside , thats worrying me
Do you guys think I'm just being lazy? I mean I just can't seem to do anything physical sometimes .

* Hugs you all *

Jetforce 01-03-2010 11:19 AM

Wow 8gbs...i dunno y u've got so much? Ull need like to run a dozen or more programs to make use of all of that!!!! lol

*cuddles khali* hope u feel better soon tho x

*cuddles doikers* nah u ain't lazy.....lack of energy is common, i have those days too

Scarletdreamer 01-03-2010 01:21 PM

Lack of energy is common with depression, Mark. I don't think that you're lazy... *hugs* That is a bit worrisome about the doorknob. Hopefully you'll be able to force yourself to get out to your nurse's appt. *more hugs*

Jet, how you doing?*hugs*

Helen, I hope that you know that WE are all proud of you for making it this far. Same goes for all of the rest of you. *holds you more* Things will be okay... we will make it through.

Kahlia *hugs* Yeh I had 10 rounds of ECT last year (lol about the forgetting which year it is... :P)... didn't help at all sadly. Guess most of my issues are therapy-related and not brain chemical related. GRRRR!!! How're you feeling today?

How is everyone else?

*hides*

MammaMia 01-03-2010 01:59 PM

*cuddles everyone*

I can't do today. I really can't :'(

Scarletdreamer 01-03-2010 03:12 PM

*cuddles Helen* I know the feeling, sweetie, I really do...

So ****ing triggered. :crying:

MammaMia 01-03-2010 03:40 PM

*hugs April and curls up*

Scarletdreamer 01-03-2010 05:10 PM

*curls up next to Helen with a fleece blanket and her cat*

Just don't want to do today. I am still so triggered. Everyone, it feels, is thinner than I am. :'(

MammaMia 01-03-2010 06:17 PM

*curls up and hides*
Wish today was over.
I just want to die.

PoisonedApple 01-03-2010 08:02 PM

not coping so well today... i just wanna curl up under my desk and cry till there aren't any tears left.

MammaMia 02-03-2010 02:48 AM

Tonight's been pure hell.
So over this.
Should have by the end of today YAY (since it's Tuesday here)

Kahlia1981 02-03-2010 08:11 AM

Jem - I can say, in all honesty, that my computer has never crashed lol.

*hugs everyone tightly*

Spoke to my mum today. She's in Dubbo, she was at the zoo.
I did have a friend that I've known since I was 3 come over today. That was a really refreshing change from the norm.
I also rode my bike down to a big shopping centre and bought a sheet set and a pillow.
Tomorrow I go to "coffee club" at the Mental Illness Fellowship ... feeling a bit apprehensive about that.
Meh. *sighs*

*huggles everyone and plays with Puppy SinClair (I miss my baby girl - miniature schnauzer, now deceased), then disappears into a dark corner*

Jetforce 02-03-2010 11:27 AM

Hey april, yah i'm well thx's :-)...how r u doing there? *hugs*

I hope ur coffee club thingie does well Khali :-) *hugs*

Kestrel 02-03-2010 02:35 PM

*checks in* My first time in here actually. Errmmm... yeh Meep *runs to a corner and sits looking around nervously*

Doikers 02-03-2010 08:25 PM

I'm not drunk , butI'm not sober . I haven't so much as fallen off the wagon as taken a premeditated jump from it . My face is red but I don't feel drunk . I was so triggered and I've not been S.I.ing I just needed another coping mechinism , I still feel like cutting myself , I mean I've completely ****ed up being sober for almost 2 years it's not much of a leap to go back to hurting myself . I'm just totally worthless , hopeless........ there is no hope for me if I dodge 1 coping mechinism another will just come along and they are all unhealthy ways of dealing with things . Now I'm triggered and less than sober , I want to cut my face , I've been getting that a lot latley . God I hate myself , I don't care , Ireally don't care about myself right now .
Why the ****ing hell can't it all go away?
Why do I feel the need to do bad things to myself ?
Sorry.

SilverFlame 03-03-2010 01:46 AM

*checks in*

Awk, Doikers, I wish I knew a way to make you feel better. All I know is that falling off the wagon (or jumping) isn't the same thing as slitting your throat in the dust. At this point, you have the chance to get back on the wagon, or at least run after it screaming! So you shouldn't give up just yet. I can't help you, but if I could, I would, and I hope you're okay.

Kahlia1981 03-03-2010 02:29 AM

*hugs all*

Coffee Club went okay this morning. The staff were smiling and pleasant and didn't treat me like I was the dirt beneath their feet. I have a formal interview on Friday afternoon to finish up the paperwork and stuff. Meh.

I am supposed to be hearing from my pdoc's office today. I rang them and they told me that I might be able to get in to see him on the 10th. Otherwise he might be able to work things out by phone and then I just pick up any necessary scripts or whatever.

I'm heading down with my housemate to see the GP today. I'm going to try and go in as a walk-in depending on the number of people waiting. *sigh* Man I hate doctors.

I am so sick of my damn mood. So damn over it. I just want the depression to lift. *sigh*

*hugs everyone then slips into the denial tent*

MammaMia 03-03-2010 09:52 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Doikers 03-03-2010 10:32 AM

Thanx Silverflame . Good news is I called a friend and she talked me through wanting to S.I. and with her help I managed not to S.I. last night .
I feel drained this morning and that triggered feeling is still at the back of my mind but at least it's not full blown triggered feeling at the front of my mind right now , does that make sense?

*Hugs to you all*

Scarletdreamer 03-03-2010 03:30 PM

*peeks in & hides*

Yesterday was SUCH an awful day... I feel like I have a hangover from it :( you know that feeling, even though you don't drink (does anyone in here besides me not drink?) or haven't drunk anything you feel hungover? Well, that's how I feel... drained, weary, depressed, sad, frustrated... :(

Just want to die already!! or have this get better, I don't know. :(

MammaMia 03-03-2010 05:31 PM

I felt like that yesterday April and I hadn't drunk *squishes tight*

Really trying not to OD today. Hasn't been too bad of a day, but hasn't exactly been good...*sighs*

Kahlia1981 03-03-2010 06:26 PM

April - I barely drink. Can't stand the smell that most alcohol emits.

*cuddles everyone tightly*

Got to ring my Employment Co-ordinator and my pdoc's office again today. Meh. Am getting both an x-ray and an ultrasound on my shoulder for my GP, then have to make an appointment to see him again around about the middle of next week.

*cuddles everyone, then disappears out into the smoking shelter*

Doikers 04-03-2010 12:36 PM

*Hugs Mammamia , April and Kahlia*

I Really feel triggered today ,I'm so sick of this , sorry :(

Scarletdreamer 04-03-2010 03:44 PM

*cuddles Mark, Helen, Kahlia, & others I'm forgetting*

Mark, love, it's okay to be triggered and talk about it (as long as it's in a nontriggering way... if that made any sense!! lol). No sorries allowed. *more cuddles* I'm sick of this too... things just aren't going well and I don't know how to change that. :( Just found out that my confiding in another professor - other than my advisor - could cost me my internship. DAMNIT!!!! :(

I hate my life... I am so angry with myself. Yet I can still smile & laugh - WTF is wrong with me?!?!? I just want to die... yet I seem to be okay some of the time. I don't get me. I'm such a weird person. :crying:

I am so sick of this, sick of this, sick of this...

*hides in the denial tent, cuddling next to Puppy SinClair*

Doikers 04-03-2010 04:24 PM

*Hugs April* I'm sorry you're having such a hard time . *Joins you in the denial tent and pets Puppy SinClair*

Kahlia1981 04-03-2010 09:13 PM

*huggles everyone*

I got an emergency appointment with my pdoc at 9 am next Thursday. Hopefully he'll change my medication, and I will start lifting from the depression. In some ways it's all just a bit too much at the moment.

This morning I have physio and then am going to drop into the university to pick up withdrawal forms for me and my housemate and then head to the library to borrow something.

Meh.

*hugs everyone then disappears into the denial tent and pats Puppy SinClair*

PoisonedApple 04-03-2010 09:23 PM

I think I'm losing it... I feel like I'm totally disconnected from myself right now. *shrugs* Maybe it's 'cuz I haven't been sleeping right... ~but then if we start the maybe's of my mental state that'd be a long list lately...

Kahlia~ Hope your appt goes well. *crosses fingers*

How is everyone else today?

*leaves hugs for all*

PoisonedApple 05-03-2010 01:02 AM

*pokes head in*
anyone around?

MammaMia 05-03-2010 01:08 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Think things might be slowly calming down again? =]

Feel like ****.

Almost my birthday :|

PoisonedApple 05-03-2010 01:11 AM

*cuddles helen*
happy early birthday! how old will you be this year?

MammaMia 05-03-2010 03:48 AM

*cuddles*
Will be 20 :| :| :| :|
Can't believe it?

Jetforce 05-03-2010 03:55 AM

*cuddles all and leaves some blueberry muffins on the table top*

PoisonedApple 05-03-2010 06:23 AM

awww you're a young'n helen :D
*cuddles jet n snags a muffin*

shadowedsoul 05-03-2010 10:27 AM

ah crap i give up, just want to curl up and just feel noithing cant do any of this anymore. *curls up under some blanket and hides*


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