RYL Forums

RYL Forums (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/index.php)
-   Veterans Board (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=34)
-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Kahlia1981 07-02-2010 10:07 PM

*hugs everyone*

I don't know if anyone reads my support thread, or even cares, but I used it last night to start making note of my research into the appalling treatment of psychiatric patients in my home town of Townsville, Qld, Australia. Of course, Townsville wasn't the only city or town to have massive atrocities committed in the name of psychiatric help but what sickens me the most is the fact that the leopard has not changed his spots. The system is tainted right from the top, and the hostile defensive attitude of the Director of Mental Health is detrimental to the health of the patients.

Sorry, I'm sure you didn't need to read all (or possibly any) of that. If you are interested in the start of what will be an article feel free to read my support thread.

*sneaks into the denial tent for a break*

Imaginary_friend 07-02-2010 10:51 PM

i know i use the words 'I' and 'can't' a lot at the moment and i don't want to feel like this. but i can't do this anymore. i don't want to. i don't want to be here. i don't want to exist. i want to drink a lot, smoke and hurt myself. i want to self destruct and i'm sick of feeling this way. i've got noone to talk to here, unless i want to make some stressed people more stressed and i really just need a cuddle :'(

Scarletdreamer 07-02-2010 11:28 PM

*cuddles Kahlia & LauraFriend*

Kahlia, I'll check it out. :) Sounds like you're putting forth quite a bit of effort for a VERY good cause!! Bravo.

LauraFriend, I understand... I feel the same way. I just want to self destruct and it's like... I can't. And I can't talk to people about how I feel because then they'll worry even more. I am so sick of life. But anyway, I understand at least a little what you feel like. *more cuddles*

Helen *cuddles* How are you, sweetie?

Imaginary_friend 07-02-2010 11:35 PM

i'm tempted to go for a walk and see what happens.....its like...11.30pm. argh. why do i feel like this? i'm just......**** knows.

MammaMia 07-02-2010 11:41 PM

*cuddles everyoen*

I think I've gone numb :S

Scarletdreamer 08-02-2010 12:20 AM

I feel numb too, kind of. :( *cuddles Helen & LauraFriend* Be careful, please, Laura... don't do anything too risky, despite how much you want to do it.

I'm still suicidal... damn it... can't tell my parents as they would flip and I can't have that. Jarrod (husband) knows but can't really do anything... I see my therapist tomorrow & she told me to go to the ER last time I told her (in a text, so she couldn't really evaluate how I was doing). Gahhh. I feel so trapped. :crying:

*hides away for a long time*

Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 12:24 AM

*hugs April* maybe ER is a good idea...i dunno. i've never been. as long as you're not by yourself :) *hugs*

I'm not going out. I can't be bothered. I've got counselling in the morning too....not that I think she'll be any help at all. I'd be surprised if she doesn't get me sectioned tbh. i kind of want her to do something but i don't think she will....urgh. i don't even know anymore. mind****.

PoisonedApple 08-02-2010 01:06 AM

i suck at life... i can't even rant right... *hides in denial tent*

Kahlia1981 08-02-2010 01:10 AM

*cuddles everyone*

I feel so tired and drained .... and so sick of crying. So damn over it all.

MammaMia 08-02-2010 01:17 AM

*cuddles everyone*

frenchhorn 08-02-2010 01:17 AM

*hides in here*
is all alone and need to be somewhere safe before I harm myself badly

Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 09:40 AM

*hugs everyone*
sorry - can't do individual replies right now.
*sits in a corner and hits her head against the wall*

Kahlia1981 08-02-2010 11:38 AM


Originally Posted by Scarletdreamer (Post 2130051)
*cuddles Kahlia & LauraFriend*

Kahlia, I'll check it out. :) Sounds like you're putting forth quite a bit of effort for a VERY good cause!! Bravo.

Thanks for the cuddles April. I don't know if you have read what I wrote ... it's just very early stages at the moment but all the information I have is from official Commission & Inquiry reports. It is extremely interesting.

My mood is way low. I couldn't stop crying all morning. It just came out of nowhere and wouldn't go away. Good stuff has happened, but I can't feel good. And the hospital thinks that all it needs to do is keep me safe - but without changing anything in the situation, there isn't going to be a point where I feel safe. *bangs head against wall*

*cuddles everyone then disappears into the darkness*

Scarletdreamer 08-02-2010 12:53 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Kahlia ♥ what exactly is the situation that is causing you so much pain?

Helen, how you doing, love?

LauraFriend, what's up?

*holds you all gently*

I'm so tired. Got up at 5:45am... too early, lol, but I wanted some time on WoW before I had to get ready to leave. Therapy this morning. Am not looking forward to that. At all. Oh well, I hope it'll be better than I think it will be... it usually is except this time we're going to have to talk about the suicidality. :(

Then I go to tutoring, for 2 hours, then an hour break, then class. *sigh* I don't want to. *whinge* Heh... :'(

So it's a long day... & there's still homework that I need to do, that I will be doing in a moment. GRRRR. :(


MammaMia 08-02-2010 01:15 PM

I think the numbness has stopped and the pain is back. I still want to destroy myself. I'm trying not to. I can't break my promise. This pain WILL end eventually, and they're feeling it too I know. It's so so so so hard. But she's my best friend, I'm doing it for her, for us both, for me...

nologola 08-02-2010 01:16 PM

Today isn't going well. I seem to have got really ill with the flu over night, had to go to work this morning as I can't miss out on the money at the moment. Spent most of my 2 hours at work trying not to vomit/faint/cry and what made it worse was I was notetaking for a student who does health and social care so spent the whole seminar having to listen to people talk about mental health problems - I despair at the fact that even the people who are going to be working in the mental health field were so unsympathetic.

I've got two hours now before I have to present some creative work in my own seminar, what I've written is awful. I can barely talk because my throat is so sore. All I want to do is curl up in a ball but I've missed so much uni recently I'm going to get in big trouble if I don't go, I can't afford to resit the year and my uni supervisor is already hinting at that being what they want to do. I can't really process my thoughts so I doubt any of this is making sense.

I am so tired. Feel even worse than I did a couple of days ago because I am so ill on top of everything else. I really don't know how long I can last. I've told my boyfriend that I'm not doing so good and he got really angry, as always. I feel awful putting him through this and I understand why he finds it so frustrating, I just wish I could make him see that the guilt thing makes it even worse.

I just want this all to end.

Scarletdreamer 08-02-2010 04:40 PM

*squishes Helen* You know in your head that self destruction isn't the way to go, that it's wrong etc... hopefully your heart will know it soon, love. And I hope that that makes sense!! heh. How are you doing? I wish I could help you all so much more than I can...

*cuddles Ayla, if that's okay?* I'm so sorry that you're ill... just got over the flu myself in the beginning of January & it was awful, pretty much just stayed in bed. :( Hope you feel better soon... it must be horrific trying to keep functioning whilst being so sick!! And I'm also sorry that your boyfriend isn't being as supportive as he could be - because that's what you need right now, support, not criticism. *gentle hugs* I understand why my husband gets upset with me at times, but that doesn't mean that it's right for him to do that. It's understandable... but it doesn't mean that it's what you need. Does that make sense? Sorry, I'm ill too - head cold - so my head is a bit muzzy too!! heh.

Therapy wasn't as bad as I thought it would be... am still passively suicidal & feeling ****ing worthless. It feels like I can't do anything right, like I'm just a worthless person, stupid & annoying etc. :(

I wish I could whisk us all off to a perfect world... :(

MammaMia 08-02-2010 04:42 PM

*curls up and dies*
Please wake me when the nightmare has ended.

Scarletdreamer 08-02-2010 04:44 PM

I know the feeling... *cuddles Helen more*

Oliver, I forgot to welcome you to this thread... so... WELCOME. :) And *cuddles lots* too. How are you doing?

Am going to post in my r/v thread... I think... *sigh*

MammaMia 08-02-2010 04:55 PM

*cuddles April*
I tried to read your r/v thread.
Brain isn't taking anything in.
Well tiny bits.

Scarletdreamer 08-02-2010 04:58 PM

*gently holds Helen and rocks back & forth* Wish I could help you, sweetie. Thanks for trying to read it, no worries that your brain couldn't take anything much in - you're going through a lot right now.

Just want to b/p. Ugh. :crying:

MammaMia 08-02-2010 05:07 PM

You know on Saturday night.
Before she went away and came back.
I said...it can't get much worse than this, well apart from someone dying.
How wrong I was :'( :'( :'(

Don't even know why I'm telling you this.
Nobody needs to know that piece of useless information.

God I want to cut.
So much.
Yet I'm stopping myself.
I have to.

*cuddles April, rocking back & forth too*

Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 05:14 PM

*hugs Oliver* I know the feeling....hope you're feeling a bit better *hands a cookie*

*hugs Kahlia* aww hun, i wish there they would do something for you :( *hugs*

*hugs Helen* self destruction is what i feel like too atm....my counsellor says its not a good way to go (lol)....

*hugs Ayla* yea, the guilt thing really doesn't help. my friend trys it on a regular basis but it's not like we can help it....urgh. *hugs* hope you feel better soon! x

*hugs April* i hope your day wasn't as bad as you thought it might have been - its good therapy was kinda helpful. *hugs* hope your cold gets better soon! x

counselling was horrible. it was so emotionally draining....i told my counsellor everything that's happened in the last week pretty much. and she's given me a leaflet on self esteem, told me to go to the doctors and to write a list of what i can do to help myself for the next session. urgh. she also suggested that i buy some sort of soft toy with beans in that i can carry around in my bag so if i feel angry when i'm out i can hold that rather than hiding in the toilet and self harming. so i did. he's very cute and called splodge :) lol

i'm going out later...it's presidential election results in our college later (massive deal!) and one of my friends is going for it so that'll be stressful, esp. if he doesn't get it. also, the guy that i've been having the issues will be there....and that didn't go too well last night when i saw him so *fingers crossed* i'll be ok. but, just to be on the safeside, i'm gonna get drunk before i go down...haha. urgh. i'm a wreck

Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 05:15 PM

*hugs Helen* aww hun. i know how you feel.....michael mcintyre dvd anyone? *puts it on*

MammaMia 08-02-2010 05:22 PM

*hugs you lots*

SoMuchMore 08-02-2010 05:39 PM

*cuddles helen gently* aw hun, i wish i could say something that will help. Sorry that thing are getting worse. Try to stay strong

*hugs kahlia* sorry that you feel so low. I read your thing about the hospitals. Sounds like a good idea to put in some sort of complaint. I can't believe your town has had so many poor mental health professionals.

*hugs laurafriend* sorry that you are emotionally drained for counseling, but it sounds like it may have been kinda productive. I hope ur okay if u see that guy.

*cuddles alya* That sucks that you are so sick. Its hard to function like that i know. I agree that your bf doesnt sound like he's being very supportive.. I understand tho, my bf always gets angry too when i tell him i'm having a hard time dealing...

*hugs april* I reading ur venting spot. You are not worthless at all hun. I understand what you mean about wanting a new brain. I've actually said that same thing before... but then you wouldn't be you. Your a great/strong/supportive person. You've made it this far, don't give up now.

I'm so tired and i have no reason to be. Dreading the week. I doubt it'll be good at all. I feel overwhelmed and alone.. *hides in corner*

nologola 08-02-2010 05:54 PM

Mondays are always so awful.

*cuddles april, laura_friend and laura_star*

I'm pretty useless at knowing what to say in response right now, just got home from uni and I can't think straight (I guess it's good that I made myself go in, but I wish I hadn't).

*hides under a blanket for the forseeable future*

MammaMia 08-02-2010 06:29 PM

*hugs everyone*

Scarletdreamer 08-02-2010 06:39 PM

Wow, a lot of posts since the last time that I posted... which wasn't TOO long ago. :) That makes me happy.

*cuddles Helen* I'm so glad that you're stopping yourself from cutting... I am too... although I really want to at the mo... have access to a sharp & just realized that. Want to use it so badly... I wish that the urges would just leave me alone for once!! :( Us alone, I guess is the better way to put it. What do you mean with the first few lines of your post? *more cuddles*

*cuddles LauraFriend* Sometimes the toughest counseling sessions are the "best" ones - i.e., the ones that get the most done. I'm glad that you were honest with her about what's going on... & I totally understand the emotionally draining bit!! Don't quit going though... even if you are thinking about it, it's a bad idea. I think you'll be getting somewhere shortly, especially if you continue to be honest with your counselor. :) Are you sure it's a wise idea for you to get drunk before going out tonight? :-/ doesn't seem like a good idea to me, but that might just be me. *gentle hugs*

*cuddles LauraStar* But you see, maybe the new brain would be a BETTER me... because honestly I don't see much about me that's good. :( I wish that I could see what you all see (if you see good things about me that is!!)... or what Jarrod sees. :( I hate feeling so blind. Oh, & I also feel overwhelmed & alone... but you're not alone, & you can take each day one step at a time. That's what my therapist told me to do today. ♥

*cuddles Ayla* Why are you sorry that you went to uni? are you feeling more ill than you were before, or did something bad happen? Don't worry about thinking straight, it's difficult to do when you're sick!! :)

I ate lunch... and now really want to purge. I hate myself so so much.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : ed trigger
I want to purge myself into oblivion, until I fall unconscious on the bathroom floor. I want my ED to take me, kill me, like it was in 2005 before my parents interfered. I want to die a slow tortuous death. I hate myself THAT much.


MammaMia 08-02-2010 06:47 PM

*cuddles April*
Please try not to hurt yourself in any way please???
I know how bad the urges are :(
The first few lines is just referring to the situation with me and my bestie.
Not that anyone on ryl except us two know every detail.

Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 06:52 PM

*hugs everyone*
April - please don't hurt yourself *hugs* it will get better - look at where you've come from 2005!*hugs*

I dunno that i'm actually going out tonight...i just dunno that i can face C without being drunk because it completely ****ed up my head last night when i saw him.....having said that, i'm about to see him (most probably) in about 10 minutes when i go for tea.....thinking about it makes me feel sick. physically sick. i dunno about counselling....its kinda helping but kinda not. i just....urgh. i dunno.
*hides in a corner*

PoisonedApple 08-02-2010 07:00 PM

*hugs* how is everyone this morning?
my comp went wonky at home so i missed being on the net for more than a day of this weekend but even if it's still only half repaired i have internet here at work (the only thing that made me actually want to get out of bed today)...

SoMuchMore 08-02-2010 07:02 PM

*hugs april* I do see good things in you. You are nice and supportive. You always respond to everyone even when u are having a hard time, and I know that you have had a hard time and you've gotten thru it which shows ur strong. *cuddles* keep trying to fight the urges.

*hugs helen*

*hugs laurafriend* good luck with seeing him. I hope it goes alright. Stay strong.

Can someone please make my brain stop racing around from one thing to the next and sometimes feel like its getting caught on repeat? (I know that prolly doesn't make any sense.. sorry)

SoMuchMore 08-02-2010 07:04 PM

^^ sorry i missed you. We mustve been typing at the same time. Good to see you back around.

Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 07:39 PM

*hugs Laurastar* how are things? nah i know what you mean - "make my brain stop racing around from one thing to the next and sometimes feel like its getting caught on repeat?" - exactly what you mean. sucks. *hugs*

*hugs a_m* (sorry, i forgot your name :/ my bad) how's things going?

i just saw C. well....i avoided actually looking at him which i think he mighta noticed....*shrugs* i can't deal with talking to him atm. my head is ****ed. alcohol time soon :D .... i am a bad person. :(

MammaMia 08-02-2010 07:55 PM

Can I die now? :(

Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 08:07 PM

*hugs Helen* what's up hun? I'm sure it will get better eventually. It has to. We just have to hold on for a bit. *cuddles*

Kahlia1981 08-02-2010 08:11 PM

*hugs everyone*

April - The big situation is that the hospital diagnosed me with BPD based on the one criteria that I was a cutter. At the time I was severely depressed and also had manic episodes, both of which they dismissed. They (the hospital and public health system) offered me treatment, which consistently failed due to the fact that I did not, and do not have BPD. In 2000 I began to hear voices and experience other hallucinations and these were dismissed by the hospital as "attention seeking" (and I'm quoting that from the official file). I was forced to seek help through the private system (which my parents funded) and was diagnosed after 2 years as having schizo-affective disorder (bipolar type). I saw that pdoc until he left town due to the medical indemnity issues. I then saw another private pdoc who was given no prior knowledge of my case and after 1 year he also diagnosed me as having schizo-affective disorder (bipolar type). After seeing him for another two years I was forced to find another pdoc as that pdoc was changing his type of practice to suit his area of interest. Then I saw yet another private pdoc. He agreed (after numerous sessions) with the previous two pdoc's diagnoses and at the end of my time with him had also added DID. The hospital has refused to change it's stance, regardless of the three independent professional opinions and basically refuses to treat me. They will put me on the ward if they can't avoid it but their policy is that I just don't want to get well, and if they do nothing, everything will just magically improve.

Sorry that's a long spiel so feel free to ignore it.

As for what is making my mood so low and bringing on the crying spells ... I just don't know. About 5 weeks ago my mood just dropped and it hasn't recovered. It could be that my lithium isn't working. It doesn't appear to be anything psychological. I just have no idea what's going on. I see my new pdoc next on 29th March. I guess I just have to hold on until then.

*cuddles everyone tightly*

PoisonedApple 08-02-2010 08:15 PM

laurastar~ yeah i think we were. i saw you at the bottom after i posted :) i'm glad i'm back around too... i kinda go stir crazy without this place these days. i agree with laurafriend... makes total sense, maybe it only makes sense to those of us who've been there but still...

laurafriend~ no big i forget peoples names too :) eventually i'll put it under my username... it's crimson.
this morning kinda sucked but i just came back to my office to find early valentines day stuff from my husband (flowers, a teddy bear and chocolates). made the day brighter. and even better if the day goes down hill again i have a plushie to cuddle with.
and i disagree with you saying you're a bad person. i think you're a great person who's having trouble right now. and i avoid looking at people to avoid talking to them too. every morning on the bus i put my headphones in (whether or not i turn on my ipod) and open a book... most people keep their distance and leave me alone, even the ones that know me.

*cuddles april, helen and kahlia*

Kahlia~ did the hospital give a reason for dismissing you after the private doctors' diagnosis was brought to their attention?

helen~what's up?

MammaMia 08-02-2010 08:39 PM

Laura, I hope you're right. I really need things to be better.

Oh Kahlia, I know most of your post was to April but I read it :( *cuddles tight*

Angel, things are so bad, can't even explain one situation fully, that's making me so sad. :'(

Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 08:51 PM

*hugs Helen* they will get better. we have to believe that or else we can't hold on. It always gets better, it sometimes just takes longer. *cuddles*

*hugs Crimson* sounds like you've had a good day so far :) yay! i am a rubbish person. well...i guess i'm not a rubbish person, i just do bad things. meh. it equates to the same thing.

*hugs Kahlia* that all sounds pretty rubbish tbh (sorry, i read the bit to April too!) doctors can be rubbish. *cuddles* look after yourself.

i ignored C. like, actually.... he may well have tried to talking to me but tbh, my head isn't in a place where i could talk to him without either going mental and hitting him or crying. neither of which would be great tbh especially cos he's stressed atm....FFS WHY DO I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE?! :( sometimes i just need to think about myself....last night, i needed help and i didn't get any because i didn't wanna bother/worry anyone. i can't and i won't stress people out. but it just makes me worse. i am officially crap.

MammaMia 08-02-2010 09:02 PM

I'm so scared.
*curls up and cries*

Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 09:03 PM

me too :( *cuddles Helen*

MammaMia 08-02-2010 09:05 PM

*cuddles Laura tight*

Kahlia1981 08-02-2010 09:07 PM

*cuddles everyone*

A_M: No, the hospital hasn't given a reason.
Helen && Laura(friend): It's okay, I posted it so anyone could see it.

Thanks for the support everyone. I just wish that I could feel better. I'm so sick of crying. :(

shadowedsoul 08-02-2010 09:09 PM

argh screw everthing, evrthing falling apart. i cut the **** out of my arm,i just want to die. **** it all.

MammaMia 08-02-2010 09:37 PM

Arrrgh *hits things*

nologola 08-02-2010 10:59 PM

*cuddles April* I just felt so gross sitting there in class. And even though I got a friend to read out my creative work I still had to spend a substantial amount of time with everyone looking at me. I know it sounds silly. I just don't want to be looked at. I read the hidden bit of your post. I don't know what to say so I'll just carry on hugging, just don't forget how far you've come.

Kahlia - I hope you don't mind but I read the stuff to April too. It sounds so frustrating, you poor thing. *cuddles*

*cuddles laurafriend* i know exactly what you mean about not getting help when you want/need it because you worry about other people, but if you have someone you can trust you SHOULD put yourself first like you said, you deserve help and support as much as anyone else.

*cuddles laurastar* sometimes i feel like my whole life is stuck on repeat, it's one of the most frustrating feelings in the world. I understand totally. Poor you.

MammaMia - Helen is it? I don't think we've actually spoken to each other yet unless I've missed it/forgotten it (i'm not with it at the moment), seems like you're having a bad evening. *cuddles* if you want them. I'm around if you need a chat.

And ShadowedSoul - Are you safe? Do you want to talk about it?

I wish I didn't have the flu right now, it makes it harder to distract myself. All I can do is lie here and think about how much I want to hurt myself. I threw a cup at the wall earlier, but I'm so weak with flu it just bounced. So pathetic.

shadowedsoul 08-02-2010 10:59 PM

thanks hun, names jill. im safe sort of at the mo,feel like doing something stuiped. had a **** day at work,screwed up again, getting another writen warning. they said after this one, i could loose my job, they were kind of nasty saying i should have achived more in my ten years in the job, feel useless. got stuiped thoughts running through my head that people would be better of without me, just feel like saying **** it all. =[

MammaMia 08-02-2010 11:01 PM

:D :D
Okay, need to calm down a little.

All times are GMT +1. The time now is 02:57 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.