I've tried talking, I told him I needed space to be myself before I let him in, he said he'd stay away from here unless I told him otherwise, but he hasn't.

I thought I was feeling better yesterday, but today everything's gone to **** and with him snooping around (I know he could be here for other reasons but his facebook status told me otherwise..) I can't talk about why cause he'll find it and then he'll know and I don't want him to know, he can't know... he just can't.

I'm going to screw up my 3 months tonight, I just know it. I don't have the energy to fight it anymore, I can't do it. I'm sorry...

(oh, and it's Hana btw :))

^ I was in a very similar situation, having someone close reading all my posts etc. I changed my account - that might be worth a try?
Could you maybe write it down in the journals on here - set it to private so no one can see?
We can help you fight hun. And if you do slip up, remember that 3 months is amazing and you can get back there and beyond.
Take care hun xx

I could change it, but he found this username, knowing only a few problems, and my name, so why should he not find the next one? or the on after that? I need the replies though, writing it down just doesn't help anymore, just like, if it's set to private and no-one's going to read it, then there's no point trying. I need to talk to people, not just type at myself.. sorry, I don't know if that even made sense :S

It made sense hun.
I don't have my name on my profile, I think it just says Ku, if anything at all. I just PMed the people who I wanted to know about the change, and started afresh.
Just an idea.
*hugs*

It's a possibility. Don't have my real name on my profile anyways, and he didn't know I use that name... or so I thought... if he's still snooping around in a couple of days I'll think more about it... Do I need another email for it though?

Urgh, all this thinking, I actually feel sick through anger, if possible? Like I'm not angry at him though, I'm angry at me for saying everything I have up till now, and everything I will say after now... I just... evidently I need punishing for being so stupid.

*sigh* sorry, I want to... so bad, but I can't... I can't let myself down like that, it's the only thing going for me, that 3 months... I can't screw up now...

You do, but you can always set up a hotmail account just for ryl purposes.
You don't need punishing at all hun! It's good that you've been talking, and it's just sad that you're being watched, cos I know how horrible it feels.
Stay safe sweetie

Something I did made him realise it was me, something stupid, no doubt... I wish I'd never given up, it's just made everything ten times harder. I can't deal with another account though, there's too many already, but they're too easily tracked back to my other account. Sorry, I just... I thought I could trust him, y'know?

Stupid thing is, that's not even the issue right now, but I can't risk him finding out... I just can't.

^ I felt the same as that. Think it over anyway, make a decision when you're a bit less angry.
Giving up SI is something to be so proud of hun.
Could you PM someone? Then you still get a reply and he won't know?

Don't want to bother people though, they've all got their own stuff to deal with, and I don't know who I'd PM anyways. I'll be fine... I have too much at stake to risk cutting now, and... I've got work in the morning, so I can't.

You wouldn't be bothering anyone. There's always live help and the supporters too.
At least you'll be safe then.
And have a big *squish* too.

Hana, supporting each other is why we're here. I don't know anything about the snooping people. Be good to yourself.

Ally have a good weekend.

Mocha is a combo of coffee and chocolate I think. I don't know why they'd do that to perfectly good chocolate.

Hopefully I can sleep this weekend.

I know, I know. Hell I've used those same words countless times myself, but... I can't. I've emailed the supporters though, and I'll probably try and get some sleep at some point in the next half hour, so I'll be safe for tonight anyways.

Hope you can get some proper sleep soon susan, you deserve it!

And thanks for reading my rambles, both of you, I really appreciate it.

Susan, they do it cos it tastes so good! Mmmm mocha. =)
And I hope you get some sleep too.
And Hana, anytime hun. And I'm glad you've emailed the supporters. They're ace people.

Sorry, I can't stand coffee either. But I like foods that other people don't so no worries.

Hehe fair enough. It's one of those things you love or hate isn't it?

You know what? Never mind, I'm going to stop posting because it doesn't do any good.

Sorry for the tantrum.

Take care all.

Ally, I'm sorry that you don't feel that posting doesn't do any good. I care about you. I hope you are okay during your weekend at home.

As your RYL mom I might say something like get your rear end back here where we can listen and talk and help. Love you dear

hey guys.
finished exams so going home for 3 weeks so won't be on.
hope everyone is ok.
see you in 3 weeks xxx

*hugs*

Hope you're ok during your 3 weeks at home. Take care of yourself xxx

Ally, I'm sorry you feel like posting doesn't help, but we're all here and ready to listen and try and help if you do want to talk about anything. Take care of yourself. xxx

Hope you're doing ok susan, and I hope you get some proper sleep sometime soon xxx

------------------------------------------

I should be asleep. I've got to be up in almost 5 hours for work. First day back after almost 9 months or something stupid like that, so I kinda need to be alert for it and all that. Problem? I'm just not tired at all, and realistically, having had 4 hours sleep over the past few nights I should be. *sigh* I don't know what's going wrong with me and my body lately.

Take Care Chloe, take care Ally.

I'm kinda used to living without sleep, uni, grad school...
part of it is that I made myself available to answer the phone last night for my local aa office too. no calls but still slept light to listen for the phone