argh!!!! i cant handle any of this anymore, people playing mind games. Iam not even sure if she even was really in the first place. even if she has dissapeared and done something stuiped. or if its the same person now. argh!!!! this is too much for me to handle. going to go sleep in a padded room. untill i can get my head toghter. sorry for this confusing and pointless post. =/

*Hugs HannahBanana* I feel fat too :(

Katie - I find it so sad that she was only six when mum died, and that the lack of a mother has made her this way. Thanks for reading my rant, you didn't have to :P

Shadowedseraph - Yay for helpful people! I'm glad you're getting the support you need.

*hugs shadowedsoul* Sorry, don't know what to say.

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I truly wish I had a job. I have absolutely no money even though I was paid yesterday. It all went on rent and taking dad for lunch. I really want to go to the pub, just for one drink, so I can say hi to my friends. I haven't seen them in ages. It's my mum's birthday on Sunday and they are all her old friends, I really want to spend some time with them and have a drink for my mum.

*hugs zowie* try not to worry too much about it. Little sisters are often like that anyway, it is also part of growing up.

*hugs Mammamia* how are you?

*hugs banana* I'm glad therapy went well and you got ot spend time with your boyfriend. Hope your feeling better today.

*hugs Bigbear*

*hugs shadowedseraph* I'm glad that the crisis team psych was nice and you're getting support.

*hugs shadowedsoul* don't be sorry, if you want to talk more I'm around.

I'm feeling really lonely and isolated today. I've managed to eat which is an achievement but I'm back to feeling guilty, I just don't know. *sighs*

*Hugs Secrets* Well done for eating :)

I'm being a right scrounge. Have texted my dad and my friend to see if either of them could lend me enough for a pint. My friend just texted back and said she's got no cash on her, so I don't think she'll even be going for a drink. Maybe I should stop being desperate for a single drink and sleep all day.

*hugs secrets* well done for eating dont feel guilty

*hugs zowie* sleep is good especially if you are tired sorry i have nothing more supportive to say i suck today

*hugs shadowedsoul* if you want to talk more we are all around

After my last post I had to go pick my sister up from school as she'd bashed her head. At first, when we got home, she was really milking it. And she'd read the letter the school gave her about signs to look out for when someone hits their head, and was pretending that her eye was twitching. Annoying!
So haven't had a nap, she's watching TV and I don't want to go to bed.

hugs secrets well done for eating.

today wow had an appointment with my cpn that was ok. he wants to see me again next fri as my OT is going on holiday and he wanted to make sure i was ok. then went to my best friends uni and was in a hyper and met all her friends which was nice. she has sum really nice friends there. however walking back to her uni got a flashback, so now really struggling wow. only had 3 hours sleep in the last 48 hours that is killing me. and got first day back at work 2moz ontop of feeling suicidal great. has been a crazy day

Hey guys

*Hugs and loves for all*

*Distributes calorie free chocolates*

Been feeling a little better today but not great. Done great with food and did some walking too so feel a little less fat. Also went with my mum to the Open University library this afternoon and looked at the courses for 3rd year and I'm quite excited about it.

Currently trying to work out what to do for my birthday. My plan so far is spend the morning and early afternoon doing not much with family, then spend the afternoon and evening with my boyfriend doing not much lol. It's pretty tricky... Obviously don't wanna go for a meal, cinemas makes psychosis bad, going out I can't drink or take drugs any more, and generally places in public make me really anxious so kinda limits things! Can't even eat bloody birthday cake :( Urgh.

Hugs to all xxx

Secrets is not a happy secrets, stupid ex boyfriend who is determined to wreck my happiness.

okay might have been wrong. but thats even worse. damnit why cant my life be simple.if its not one thing its the other.keep having these panic attacks and there doing my head in.and these really sore pain near my heart. which are freaking me out. sorry in a whiney mood. =/

i can so relate 2 wat u have just sed shadowed soul i keep gettin the same pains in my chest and my heart like flutters its really weird, i know its probly related 2 anxiety but it seems 2 happen at the most randomest of times, times wen i dnt even feel like im even stressed like out in a nightclub or shoppin or watchin a film, its rediculous, i wish i cud find a way of getting rid of them

I'm in a really bad mood, but trying to cling onto the excited feeling about today. ****'s sake, I'm in SUCH a bad mood, mostly directed at me.

*hugs zowie* sounds like a typical little sister, did you get a nap?

*hugs hannah* Open University courses sound fun! Well done for managing to eat, birthday's do kinda become just another day as you get older. Makes me sad.

*hugs shadowedsoul* Don't be sorry, panic attacks are yukky, do you have any techniques to help calm you down?

*hugs bex* that sounds unpleasant.

*hugs Mammamia* Try to enjoy today.

I feel so wiped out today, again, I swear there's something wrong at the moment. However benefits are that mood wise I just am fairly go with the flow.

Too tired to reply individually. Sister woke me up >:( I swear she's on a mission to continuously piss me off.
*Goes out into smoking shelter for a morning ciggy*

Oh, and I forgot to say.
Yesterday marked seven months free!!

*grabs zowie and does the happy dance* well done on seven months free!

*hugs to everyone else on the ward* too tired for individual replies sorry.

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Why must i constantly feel like c*** *snuggles teddy*

Very well done zowie!

*hugs everyone*

*curls up in a corner and bangs head into the wall*

Thank you :) x

*Hugs Shadowed* What's up?

x

OH GOD NO.

My mum has Facebook. She's just sent me a friend request. I don't know whether to accept it. We haven't spoken since she virtually accused my dad of killing my sister (bullshit), and I haven't seen her irl for three and a half years...

I've bitched about how I hate her. But then she'd sneak into my thoughts, I'd have dreams about returning to her place for a bit, and think - does part of me want contact?

Confused, bewildered, disorientated...I'm staying away from there today