*Hugs Lia* I hope you can get your test on Thursday or Wednesday , and Yey for enjoying books again , I hope to enjoy books again when my concentration and motivation come back , I was a Big reader , I have gotten through a book in one day before . I like to read , just like I like to play games I just can't enjoy anything.

Sorry there was my mini rant :P

I'm Lia Mark :) Wrong person.

I'm alright ta. Got a fair bit of Christmas shopping done in my lunch time today and I have a total doss tomorrow afternoon because while the rest of the school are singing carols in a freezing cold church, we are allowed to use the time for a 'study session' basically sitting in the comman room, drinking tea and discussing Voldermort's sex life. Ah I love being 6th form.

Oops sorry Lia and Felicia for mixing you together :S

It's alright, Mark.

Lia, your study session sounds epic!

Ohhhh, I got a case of the giggles again. I cannot do these study guides any longer. Thanks, sparknotes, for ruining my concentration. haha.
Also, this has made me realize that I have the mind of a 13 year old boy sometimes... What am I laughing at, you ask? Major theme of Donne's poetry? Religious Enlightenment as Sexual Ecstacy. I don't know whyyy I find it so funny.

*hugs everyone*
9 months since my last OD...... *hides*

Glad all you wardies are okay. A bit bleh, want to keep updating my twitter with all my strange thoughts, but I don't want to spam. :/ Ehh.

Edit: 9 months is amazing, well done x

* Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Sarah* If you don't want to twitter it we are always willing to listen :)

*Hugs Nicole* 9 Months is massive !! Go Nicole :-)

*hugs mark and sarah* thanks guys. I just wish it felt like more of an acheivment...at the moment i just feel low :(
how are you both?

I feel shoickingly bad, me and my fiance are constantly arguing over little things. I'm not the happiest of people most times and things get to me but everytime I show or voice it he gets mad because he thinks I'm blaming him and whenever he mentions anything I feel like I'm being accused of being a bad partner and sometimes I feel terrible. I don't know what to do. And in the meantime I want to see Rebecca and I want to feel another one of the hallucinations. I have no motivation with my life, I don't know where I want to head with anything. I feel like I'll never be responsable enough for a real job. It scares me. Its all so much

Nicole I know the feeling , you reach a milestone and "poof" you expect to feel different , I Expected it when I went one month S.I. free or a year drink free but we build up our expectations and really in reality it just feels like another day. *Hugs*

*Hugs* Sarah hun , It FREAKS me out that I'll never have any motivation too and I don't have any direction either :( It'll get better. we just have to think positively *Thinks positivly*

*hugs mark* thanks, i just thought....well, i wouldnt mind to much if it just felt like another normal day..... but i feel like a failure. Cause i couldn't even kill myself....... :(

I hate this time of the night. I feel so low and suicidal and don't see the point in phoning the voluntary crisis team because they'll just tell me to read a book or something. My brother isn't feeling good today because he's missing a gig because his exams were rescheduled. I hate when things aren't good for him. I so badly want to go to a train station. I keep daydreaming about it. If only my brother was dead then I wouldn't have to think twice about going ahead with it.

Oh Nicole , I've actually lost count of attempts I've made to kill myself , some were like "HELP ME!" and some were "Just die now" so yeah , as you can tell I'm still here , Not having killed yourself is a good thing though Nicole *Hugs*

Now mums having a go because I'm talking to her about something that was on tv. Well balls to this. I hate things right about now.

*Hugs Lindsay* Could you try a pro crisis line? Please look after yourself and I'm here for you with my now famous crap advice :P Please please keep away from the train station :S

*Hugs Sarah*

*hugs mark linsay and sarah.*
I dunno wether or not to take the bandages off my arm yet or not...i dont normally bandage my cuts but these were pretty bad, but the bandages are irritating me....

Nicole do you have new bandages to replace them with?

I do. But i don't wanna put them on. I hate banages. I only put them on earlier cause the cuts were quite deep and bled everytime i moved my wrist. But theyve stopped doing that now.

Okay , If they have stopped bleeding take off the bandages and clean your wrist with some water, you don't want it to get infected, Then cover it with something like a plaster strip to stop dirt and such getting into it and when you go to bed tonight take off the plaster to expose the wound to the air and it hopefully dry up some and begin to heal overnight. This is juat what I would do . Please take care :S

mmkay mark :) thanks.
Anyways. Only 2 hours off college left till xmas hols :)

Was that helpful Nicole? Yey For Hols !!

yeah it was thanks :) And actually. Im not sure wether i want the christmas hols or not. i think i'd rather not have them.....

-crawls out from her corner and stretches lots, yaawns, and meows- hey everyone -hugs ward- how is everyone?

Ugh... triggered.
Made some tea/ study break time it appears.

I know the feeling , Christmas is just like " You WILL enjoy yourself " . There was a Fsther Christmas handing out leaflets in out town last week . I don't know , I want to enjoy the holidays I just don't want to be forced too if I'mm not in the mood .*Sigh*

*Hugs Kitty* Hey :) How are you?

*Squishes Felicia* Tea is nice :) I'm sorry you're triggered hun:S

awwwwww *hugs Felicia* studying sucks so much. I personally can't wait until I am finished with school so I don't have to worry about it anymore, either.

*hugs felecia*
Exactly mark, my family are all having a go at me cause i'm not enthusiastic, I just wanna get this christmas over with. Also after school holidays, i go back to college and go into a really deep depression every time, and I am scared.

hugs everyone

*Hugs Nicole* Well maybe you won't next year, As My Nurse says you shoulden't be fortune telling , You don't know You'll get a depression next year , try and aproach it with an open mind and just see what happens . It might work out well , You can only deal with today so only concern yourself with the here and now , sorry I'm trying to be positive :)

*Hugs Louise* How are you Louise?

-hugs mark- I'm alive. My back is killing me and my eyes are twitching due to lack of sleep. I kinda messed up last night before I ended up passing out...don't really remember it though, meh. How are you?

*Hugs Kitty* I'm ..........well if only I knew the end to that sentance , I'm Up , I'm Down , I've been tired and now I'm alert but I hope to sleep okay tonight . I'm going to miss my nurse , Like I said to Lindsay she's been like my level headed , encourageing, Listening , Advice giving , caring , Big Sister and I have one more meeting with her and she's off on Maturnity leave for a year . Kat is taking me on , I like Kat so I hope that works out.

Yeah, I was reading about that. Sorry to hear it. I kinda know how you feel somewhat. I go to counseling through the school which is good and bad at the same time - good in the sense that I don't have to pay extra for it, but bad in the sense that they are on the same schedule as students. This means I have one more appointment with her this week, then I don't have counseling for 3 weeks. But I don't have anyone else I can talk to about stuff because nobody really understands. I talked to my biological gma on the phone yesterday. I had sent her a letter telling her my entire story, admitting that I self harm, and have attempted taking my life, what I've been diagnosed with, etc. She said I could call her anytime I would like but I really can't because I don't have any privacy at home and well she isn't awake in the wee hours of the morning like I am. So, ya. *hugs again* I know how ya feel.

*hugs mark* Things are not great for me right now.

*Hugs Kitty* Hmm it sucks . *Thinks "Roll with the punches""

*Hugs Louise* Whats up hun?

I'm going to bed at 9pm , I hope to sleep okay and not have any graphic/triggering dreams that have started recently Or just ones where I wake and think " thats was REALLY weird" but don't recall it :S

*hugs Mark* I hope you sleep okay
*Hugs Kitty* I used to do counseling through uni. It was hell during holidays.

I... harmed. I hate this, cause part of me is really upset about it, and another part is "ooohhh, pretty" I hate myself so much.
Oh, and my friends are all trying to make plans for my birthday, and all I can think is "my date I set is right after my birthday..." I don't want to celebrate. I don't want to break people's hearts. Can't I just cease to exist without hurting anyone?

*Hugs Felicia* Don't hate yourself hun, I would hatehatehate for anything to happen to you , My date too was 2 days after my birthday , But I got through and so will you :) I still get suicidal thoughts but not every single day like I was .<3 ya Tons *Squishes* PM box is always open to you :)

Mark, I think we are related. I do the same things when I'm sleeping. Lately the only sleep I have been getting, though, is knocked out sleep. Meaning, I can't sleep, so then my body eventually just passes out, and when I "wake up", I feel like I didn't sleep at all. It sucks because I feel like I'm dying.

Felicia...*hugs again*...I know I don't know you that well, but I would be upset if I heard you weren't around. You seem like such a nice and caring person from the posts I have read of yours. I harmed as well, and thought the same exact thing. However, I don't remember half of the time when I do harm because I dissociate. I've told my counselor, and she just wants to throw me in the hospital. But yeah. I know how you feel hun.

Nicole; well done on 9 months. So mega proud!!!

To those who asked, I'm finally getting better :D But I'm feeling low meh :/

-hugs mammamia, if ok- hey...what's going on? I'm Kitty by the way.

Thanks for the hug Kitty :) Just feeling low again, have big time recently :/

Awww, anything I could maybe help you with?

I'm glad you're getting better Helen, but sorry you're low :( *hugs*

*Hugs Nicole* 9 months is brilliant :) And I happen to be very glad you couldn't kill yourself *squishes*

*Hugs Sarah* families really suck sometimes. I realised I'd be mostly happy with my life if it weren't for my family and home. And grief. And things in my mind that just won't go away. But mainly fam. Is there anyone else you can talk to IRL who isn't your fiance? I worry slightly about that, he doesn't sound very supportive :/

*Hugs Kitty* My sleeping isn't that bad, but I had trouble last night and now I am tired. Have you tried getting sleeping tablets?

*Hugs Mark* I'm glad you're at least sort of alright for the moment. I hope you stay that way :)

*Hugs Felicia* Sorry you harmed :/ But like Mark said, I would hate for anything to happen to you. Mark managed to get a lot of support around the time of his date and you can too. Just please don't do anything you can't take back.

*HUgs Lindsey* Keep holding onto that thought, of your brother and how he's your reason to live. If you go back to church, you may find another reason. My faith is a reason for me, not only is it a sin to commit suicide, although I believe you will be forgiven, but I don't want to take away this life I have been given because I believe everything does happen for a reson, and God has a plan for you just like he does with everyone else and as long as you trust him and keep on going, you'll be alright in the end. I know it's not that simple, but sometimes holding onto your faith is all you can do.

*Hugs Louise* I'm glad you're OK right now :) But you can talk to us if that changes :)

I'm alright ATM, just had Pizza Hut with the Order of the Phoenix (my rangers group) and Kirstin tried to rain on our parade by telling us we are 'Raving Rangers' not the Order, but we all told her to be quiet (Kirstin is our leader).

Just nipped to a supermarket with my fiance and it turned into a huge row. I just want to give up now. Its been like this for months. Help!

Edit: Oh Lia, this is all I have other than that, I never let my friends get this close to me, they leave when they can't take any more. They all do. Everyone does.

*hugs Lia*

I get a lie in tomorrow ^_^ Plus we have no lessons because we're off to the Christmas market or something. But 18+ can do what they want, so I intend to finish my Christmas shopping, bar one present =)

-hugs Lia back- glad to hear you are alright at the moment. :)

I can't afford sleeping tablets. I am going to talk to my doctor on Wednesday and hopefully get him to prescribe me some. I really dislike my doctor he argues with me about everything. I argues with him over the phone for like 10 minutes about getting on some anti-anxiety medication, but he kept wanting to prescribe me anti-depressants instead. But I don't know, I hope he will prescribe me some meds because it's getting ridiculous.

I was about to suggest that, getting them on the NHS. I hope it goes alright for you :)

Sarah, I don't really know what to say, I don't even know if talking to your fiance about this is a good idea as it might turn into another fight. You could always use the calm approach and not get mad so he sees a row isn't what you want and hopefully responds to that. I know how you feel about being scared to get close to people. The only friend I will allow myself to be close to lives 150 miles away.

I just want to escape everything, run away, curl up and cry. Hard.