Hands up, I admit it, I can't cope :'( I'm sick & tired of people throwing accusations at me, telling me I'm making up lies about certain stuff and so so much more :'(

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been around for a while. My head's been pretty crowded, there's a new Person called Ana, and my anorexia is spiralling out of control.

My birthday turned out really good (with the exception of a load of purging which I'm trying to forget ever happened). Spent the morning and lunch with my family and then went to my boyfriend's and they all made me feel really special, it was a lovely day. And my main present from my folks was a budgie, he is the cutest little thing ever!!

I'm struggling at the moment, SHed last night, food is always a problem... Saw someone from the EIT yesterday and we talked about anorexia and anxiety disorder but it didn't really help a lot to be honest. Today went to the GP and got weighed and I have to have a blood test and ECG done this week. Just want to conquer this bloody ED but it's just so hard.

Lots of loves and hugs to everyone, I hope you are all doing ok, thinking of you all xxx

*Hugs Katie back* I'm okay thanks hun, was just too overwhelmed by lots of posts to do individual replies :P How are you? x

*Hugs Helen* I don't really know what to say, except I know what it's like to be accused of lying about something that really affects me. With me it's the voices. Don't know what you're talking about, but I hope you feel better soon. x

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I ****ing need a cigarette. I texted my friend who sells baccy cheap to see if I could get some of him and pay him next week. He's usually okay with that, but he hasn't texted back.
My sister has lost her job and her phone, so she's not a happy bunny. She phoned me last night (drunk) off her flatmates phone to tell me she'd lost her phone (because it was a phone I lent to her) and said she'd come over tonight for a drink. I don't have any cash, but she said she'd buy me a bottle of wine. But she lost her job today, so she may have to save her pennies. And she may have completely forgotten she said she was coming round, I told her I'd phone her and remind her, completely forgetting she didn't have a phone!

Wow. What was the point in telling you all that.
Ramblings.

*Hugs HannahBanana* I'm sorry to hear that the ED is getting so hard. Try to let the EIT help, I found them useful when it came to understanding my experiences and ways of overcoming bad days. Baby steps honey, you will beat this one day. xx
PS. A budgie! :D Pics?

Ahhhhhhh :D Just popped next door to ask my neighbour for a spare ciggy and he gave me a pack of twenty.

*hugs zowie* see good things do happen sometimes :)

*hugs banana* keep fighting you know you can do it even if its hard

*hugs MammaMia* Sounds like your having a tough time honey

*hugs Bigbear* Hows it going now?

*hugs secrets and wildly insane* Hows today treating you now?

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I left the house today, a big acheivement, but i did have my mum to hold my hand

Well done for leaving the house shadowed. Very brave. Who cares if your mum came with you? I rarely ever leave the house unless I'm with someone! xxx

got asked to be captain today for my netball team. i turned it down. i would mess it up anyway.

*hugs Bigbear* thanks for the cuddles

*hugs Helen* It's ok to not cope sweetie, and admitting it is brave.

*hugs Hannah* Sounds like a lovely birthday, keep fighting honey you can do it.

*hugs zowie* my brains confused by your posts. Hope your ok.

*hugs shadowedseraph* its an amazing achievement you should be really proud.

*hugs cheryl* Congratulations, it's ok if you dont feel like you can take it right now.

Well I still feel overcome by anxiety, it didn't really subside the whole day but ah well

*Hugs Cheryl* If you didn't feel up to it, don't worry about turning it down.

*Hugs Secrets back* Hehe sorry love, I posted too much!

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My sister's coming over for a drink :)

zowie - hope you have a nice evening with your sis and enjoy those fags :-) The EIT are good, the woman I see is lovely, I just wish the therapy would hurry up cos I'm just kind of waiting and deteriorating more and more as time goes by. So frustrating because I really want to be better, I just can't do it by myself grrrrrrr. Yeah my budgie is so cute! I'll post a photo at some point when I work out how lol.

Shadowed - well done for leaving the house, it's scary. That's great that your mum was there to support you, it's always easier to cope with when you have someone there supporting you. You should feel really proud of yourself!

Cheryl - well done, take it as a compliment, and it's a positive thing that you can recognise that you wouldn't be able to handle it at the moment. At uni I had to turn some things down including my year abroad (I would have been off to Frankfurt any day now for a 7 month internship in a translation company) but at the end of the day it's better to have the self awareness and stuff. Sorry that was really rambly I don't know what the point of that was but basically don't feel bad, just take it as a compliment.

Secrets - have you tried doing relaxation techniques or reading or something? I'm really struggling with my anxiety at the moment, I'm anxious 24/7 and it's horrible. Hope things calm down for you soon.

Hugs and loves to all xxx

thanks for the support. i really wanted to take it but the thoughts going round in my head weren't the best if you get my drift. and it was my mum who said i wudnt be up for it.

hugs secrets have u tried yoga apparently suppose to be really good.

zowie have fun with ya sis.

shadowed if it wasnt for family or friends i wudnt of let the house alot of the time still not now tbh xx

Hey all sorry its been so long since I came in. I got a new job, my g/f left me, I passed my classes, my next math class I was given 3 books! scarry for a 9 week class. PM's of support please in moving forward would be nice... i don't need to be with her she's the one that keeps walking away. Oh and I told my pastor Im a cutter and she isn't gonna tell my mom, Im 20 so she doesn't have to worry abotu getting in trouble. Still in the very beginning of how we are gonna handle it but its a start. I know I came to ryl for help but hse is someone in my life I see and have to answer too. I don't know many people on here. =/

*hugs everyone* my mum's just been shouting at my dad for killing some ivy-leaved toadflax with the weedkiller, she is so unreasonable sometimes, I just want to get a job so I can have my own place again.

I made 8 weeks. Where did those eight weeks go? it only seems like yesterday, it's still as bad as if it was yesterday. I'm still having bloke issues, I have this friend who I really fancy who just wants to have sex and nothing else and now I've just had an email from another friend saying he likes me but although I think he is a lovely lovely guy I don't fancy him, doh, I think it may be all part of the same problem though - me.

*hugs Lost Girl* congratulations on passing your classes that's a great achievement, and I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend. You're right you don't need her, it's her loss. well done telling your pastor that couldn't have been easy. I hope that she is supportive .

*hugs Cheryl* I guess Captain is a lot of responsibility and I'm sure you'd be very good at it, but maybe it's not what you need right now, as long as you carry on enjoying playing, that's the main thing.

*hugs HannahBanana* I hope the therapy starts soon, I'm so glad you want to get better though, that is a very big step.

*hugs Arwen* hope you had a good evening with your sister. How are you?

*hugs Secrets* anxiety is really horrible, has the doctor been able to suggest anything?

*hugs ShadowedSoul* well done on leaving the house, hope youa re doing okay

*hugs Katie* how are you?

*hugs Helen, Dayna, Kat, Gil, Hayley, Jem, Kahlia and anyone else dropping by today, leaves some cheesy tunes playing on the radio and starts dancing around the room*

I wish just something in my life would just go right for a change

*hugs to all* I'm sorry i'm too head ****ed to make individual responses but im here listening *dances to the cheesy music*

*hugs banana* I've tried all sorts, nothing's easing it. I'm sorry you're anxious all the time.

*hugs Cheryl* maybe the opportunity will come again when you're in a better position to take it.

*hugs LostGirl* there's lots of positives in that post so well done, you're right about your gf sounds like it was her loss. I'm glad you have someone you can confide in within your pastor.

*hugs wildly insane* Well done on making 8 weeks, i'm sorry I have no advice on the bloke issues. Just don't rush anything.

*hugs shadowedseraph*

Hi guys.. I'm doing ok.. I think.. I dunno.. I feel very very sick. Not sure if it's to do with the alcohol :/ Probably is.. oops.

I've decided to take a bit of a break while I'm away. Nothing bad, just taking a step back. Although I might not last long LOL. Just thought I'd let you all know.. and don't forget me :P So I leave tomorrow morning.. actually, early this morning ;)

*cuddles everyone* Take care xx I'll be back shortly I bet ;)

I had a nice evening with my sister. We drank wine and vodka and stayed up till 4am listening to music.
She wrote Haza loves Arwen on my arm.
Hmmm.

*hus all gingerly with onee arm*

My shoulder surgery has happened and all appears to be going well. I'm geetting more pain from having my cast elevated than from my shoulder so far. Oh well.

*hugs wildly insane* forget what i was saying. i was talking so much crap. yeah i do have something to keep me going. but its bring more and more hasle, im im not sure it is worth it. im stuck in a place i hate. and i know if i say anything. all i get is, this is what you wanted jill. ****sake, yeah mabye it was, but now im really starting to regret it. and 1 more person say it will be worth it, i will not be held reposible for what i will do to them. crap, why do i always make things hard for myself. =/

what a day. :(

*hugs to all* its too damn hot

*Hugs to all* Had another snooze today, I'm so lame.

your not lame zowie, sleep when you can get it!

*hugs to everyone, so tired can't do more* managed another day :P am away in cornwall without internet access for the weekend so I just wanted to say that I hope that the weekend goes okay for you all and you stay strong and to leave a good supply of hugs and take care of yourselves, okay :)

getting tired my sleeping pill kickin in. have to go to vet with my dog and go to wrk tomorrow night. my backs been bothering me and idky.. wrote to my pastor when i wanted to cut. she told em to try and write a journal so least she can see im trying.

I have a seriously bad pain on the right side of my stomach. It could be a number of things, but I'm just hoping it's not appendixitis. I used to get really paranoid about getting that when I was little, after a friend had hers removed.
Now I'm feeling all freaked out.
It hurt so much I had to get up at 7am. Which is early.

Ok so much for that break, pmsl.

:o

*hugs zowie* hows the pain now sweetheart? have you rung nhs direct?

*hugs bigbear* nice to see you

*hugs eclectic*a* sorry to hear your still depressed

*hugs wildly insane* hope you have a good weekend

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The crisis team have just come round and persuadsed me to get dressed and out of bed, which is an acheivement why cant i just get better *sits in a corner and bangs head into the wall*

*hugs for all*

I can't reply individually right now I'm afraid. Just to let you know I'm not gonna be around over the weekend.

*leaves large supply of blankets

My dad is really pissing me off. He makes me pay 90% of my JSA to him towards rent (even though he gets housing benefits that cover the whole cost of the house). He says the money I give him is towards food. Food for one person is NOT £40 a week. He just spends all of the money on his 'hobby' - Collecting coins. My sister had the right idea, moving out and not paying him anything so he could just piss it all away on coins.
So I got home from the pub, and asked him for a little bit of his vodka. He went mental about how much money I owe him, and how I don't bother to look for a job (I really want a job so I'm not sitting at home every day, I'm trying as hard as I can). Then he went to bed in a strop.
I love him, but I also can't stand him.
Maybe he's speaking the truth. Maybe I am worthless. I really want to cut.

Why is it, the one thing I want so badly, I probably can't get right now? :'(

Oh and had a bit of an incident earlier, thought I was going to end up in A&E, was cutting and my finger slipped and sliced another finger open, and boy did it bleed, ended up collasping twice, got stains of it all over my towels, the carpet in the hall and all over the tissue etc :/ Managed to stop it in the end, ****ing well hurts though :(

Cut. But only four times. I'm not seeing it as stopping my recovery, but I'm still angry I did it.

*hugs zowie* its just a slip up don't be angry at yourself

*hugs Eclectic*a* i hope things go the way you want them to

*hugs MamaMia* you take care of that cut, fingers bleed like no ones business

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I went out today, with my mum again, but we went to bingo (sad i know) and i didnt have a panic attack (nearly did but got it under control) im quite proud of myself!

I'm so hot it's unreal. Plus I have to wear armwarmers so my dad doesn't see I slipped up. I'm MELTING.

The only think long sleeved top I had, I left at a party D:
It's cooler now. I'm dreading tomorrow though as I have to go out. I think I'll wear a purple sun dress with arm warmers.
How is everyone this evening?
I keep having dreams about my ex, and it's making me sad.

Hey all. I have a friend of mine whose home situation went haywire, so he is going to be staying at my house for the summer. He is my friend and all, but it's stressing me out like theres no tomorrow. I have very little privacy now cause my house is small. I guess this is a good incentive to stay safe, to look on the bright side of it all. I dunno, just freaking out a bit. Hope everyone is ok.

I'm looking forward to going for lunch now. I think it will be nice, and as long as I wear a dress I wont get too hot with arm warmers on.
In other news, I have a stomach ache. Ouch.

Hope you enjoy lunch zowie :)

I'm going to see mum tomorrow <3

Hey zowie, hope you enjoy your lunch and that the arm warmers dont make you too hot!

BigBear its good that your going to see your mum :)

I'm too hot so am hiding out in the house!

Hey guys, sorry I haven't got time to do individual replies but I'm thinking of you all. I hope you all have good days today. Sorry to hear about those of you who cut, please look after the wounds but try not to get down on yourself for doing it. It happens.

I'm doing ok at the moment. Met up with a friend on Friday and saw my boyfriend yesterday. Plucked up the courage to go to church this morning which was good and spent most of the rest of the day in my room not doing much.

Sending loves and hugs to all xxx

Lunch was nice. It was five hours ago and I still feel full! So feeling a little bit guilty about eating so much, but I'm feeling happy because I got to see my baby cousins. xx

I'm going to my doctor tomorrow. I'm going to try to tell him that I'm not coping. I'm going to try to ask his help. I'm so, so scared.

zowie sounds really nice, well done for eating and (hypocrite alert) don't feel guilty about it, just remember the nice time you had there.

Vicki good luck with your doctor tomorrow, you're doing the right thing. *Big hugs*

I'm in one of those moods where you don't know what mood you're in. Kind of anxious, kind of triggered, kind of not triggered, kind of fat, kind of ok to eat... I dunno. Anyway hope everyone gets through the night ok xxx

Thanks hon. I'm expecting it to go awfully but I hope it wont...

I know that kind of mood *hugs* so long as you keep yourself safe that's the most important thing xxx

*hugs Vicki* good luck, have you thought about writing down what you want to say so it gives you a bit of support when your there?

*hugs Hannahbanana* I so know that feeling, hope it sorts itself out, glad your weekend went okay

*hugs Arwen* try not to feel too guilty and concentrate on the fact you had a good time.

*hugs Kat* sounds ****, hope your mum is sensible

*hugs ShadowedSeraph* yay for controlling the panic attack and going to bingo

*hugs Katie* hope you are okay

*hugs Rusynchick* that does sound stressful but good for you for helping and I hope it goes better than you think, sometimes you just worry about something and it ends up not being that bad

*hugs Helen* hope the finger doesn't hurt so much, take care of yourself, okay!

*hugs Secrets* hope you had a good weekend, how are you?

*hugs Kahlia* hope the arm is less painful

I had a lovely weekend, we went kyaking and OMG ate so much, that wasn't so good but hey ho. In a bit of trepidation about next week, it's no different to last week, but last week was horrible so just hoping it wont be that bad.

*leaves hugs for anybody wanting them*

:'( **** everythign up. ARGH. Oh and triggered my own best into flashbacks etc, **** **** **** ****

*hugs all *

I've cancelled the appointment. I can't do it.

*hugs Helen and Eclectic*a*

Hope you're ok guys

hugs strawberry. did they ask why. have u rearranged it. i know how u feel but u can.
hugs to everyone on the ward.

struggling but ill be ok allways am got my cpn today maybe ill look even better today