its my first time replying to this thread. hello everyone. well im waiting for an empty bed, but it won't be in less than 2 weeks.

*curls up tight into a small ball and sobs*

Huggles, I want huggles

Hiya Hayley, hope you sleep safely and the doctors appointment goes well.

*hugs Helen* Don't give up, As long as you've told your friend how much you appreciate her then I'm sure she isn't beating herself up about it.

hiya Vicki, how are you?

*hugs Arwen* good luck giving up smoking again, you managed a week last time, it's a goal to aim for and surpass this time :) how are you feeling otherwise?

*hugs Ashley* how are you doing hun? have you managed to fight the urges today?

*hugs Kat* sometimes I'd rather be depressed than numb, but it's more difficult to deal with, hope you are okay.

*hugs Dayna* how are you coping?

Me, I spent the afternoon listening to a mixture of live music, including ska, funk and reggae at the city farm which was interesting, would have liked some company though. Had a fantastic freestyle dance last night too :)

*hugs to everybody*

Well Hannah, I made things a thousand times worse. I hope they can find it in their hearts to forgive me. We're so bloody close.

*Hugs back* What's coping? 8D. Drinking more, eating more, ODing more, triggered more, depressed more...need I go on? Finding the early hours of morning when everyone's gone even more difficult than I normally do.

Still waiting for this ****ing appointment with the mental health team my GP 'urgently' referred me to. And he referred me around Christmas/New Year. Apparently they've got a very long waiting list. In my lower moments, I keep thinking that by the time they finally get around to me, I'll already be dead

*cuddles helen* I'm sure they will, real friendship is damn near impossible to get rid of, because it's more than their actions and words that make us like someone it's who they are.

*hugs Dayna more* sorry to hear that hun, sound like ****, keep fighting, you can get through this and hopefully the mental health team will get hold of you soon.

Morning

*hugs all she can find*

I looked at some alternate accommodation today but will not be going for it. They told me that I couldn't have a boy friend over inside the house ..... like WTF??? Not even in the living areas.

On the good side I have all my paperwork to change my degree so hopefully that will be a short process.

*pokes head in*

Yup still full of loons.

*puts on spiderman costume, regurgitates a fur ball, licks own bottom, makes a cheese and pickle sandwich - rubs into hair and goes to sleep*

*hugs back Hanna Banana and Wildly*
Thanks guys...
At least I'm still alive, right?

I have to have a talk with my best friend today...
She kinda betrayed me this week.
I had a performance every night from Tuesday to Sunday,
a performance that I'm only going to ever do once in my life,
and she had some kind of fight with her ex or her boyfriend,
and decided that was reason enough for her to completely miss it.
She had promised she'd come on Friday night...
But she obviously didn't.
I'm really really mad at her right now.
It hurts to feel like you're not even good enough for your best friend.

I'm sorry about last night, it was pure hell. But sorted the stuff out with my two best friends. Am so so so glad, couldn't live my life without them you know? :( Am at uni now wishing more and more as the day goes on (and I've not been here an hour yet) that I was at home.

*cleans up furball and crumbs from PengyNoir's sandwich*

Hello Life in pain, good to have you in here with us, I hope it helps you, make yourself at home *welcome huggle*

I think some people are in need of huggles......"group huggle!!"
*huggles Hells, wildly insane, Kahlia, Ashley and Damnation*

Damnation its crap that you're still on the waiting list, I got referred as at risk/urgent in febraury and only just got seen last friday and I thought that was bad enough. Have you been given a crisis card to help you whislt you wait? If not, go back to your GP and kick up a stinking fuss....though easier said than done, right?

My GP appointment went ok I guess this morning, they've prescribed me progesterone as they think most of my episodes are linked with my PMDD and so will try and stabilise my moods with hormones. So we'll see.

*goes out to smoking shelter*

*sprays self with perfume so not to stink of fags too much*

Anyone for a game of snakes and ladders?!

Guess what?!.....


I won that game of snakes & ladders! Go me!!!

*does celebration dance to amuse other inmates*

*goes out to smoking shelter to converse with wildlife whilst she damages her lungs*

I couldn't feel any shittier.

Secrets is back again...and this time is more determined to stick around.

Things kinda eased up a bit then went downhill rapidly.

*gives huggles to all those that need them*

ps you have permission to yell at me if i disappear again.

Panic over. Father's giving me some wine tonight.

How's everyone this evening? x

Talk about knowing how to make an entrance o_O;

The MH team finally, finally got back to me today. I now have an appointment on the 9th of June, for the middle of the night. Also known as 11:30am. Only took five months <_<;

I'm so glad you finally have an appointment Dayna. They took their bloody time though! xx

Tell me about it, lol. I'm not too sure how well it's going to go though, because the doctor said that they don't usually deal with people if they're suicidal - this MH team will suggest that the patient goes elsewhere. And I have had those sorts of urges for a while now :/. But eh. I only really want to see them about the void, get a professional opinion as to what in the hells it is

Surely MH teams are meant to be there for people who are suicidal? I hope they can give you some insight into what the void may be...What do you mean by the void? Do you have any explanation as to what it may be? x

I can't stop crying in real life now :(

*Cuddles Helen*

Arwen: Well, that's what my doctor said to me O_o;. So I've no idea. And as for the void, it's just a complete lack of emotions, good and bad. They completely vanish, my eyes stop focusing properly, so all text and stuff appears blurred, and my personality changes entirely. Like, I become really quite formal and cold. I don't laugh, don't crack jokes, don't use abbreviations, and the like

hey guys, welcome back secrets, sorry don't have anything to write right now, but do hope you're okay. I've been manically high, haven't experienced anything quite like it before, I'm also currently plummetting, my dog is in doggy hospital and I don't even know if he's going to make it until the weekend and I'm not even there, I'm here and I'm not in control

I think I'm slowly committing suicide

I feel betrayed and empty...
I can't believe she would just be like that to me!
I didn't do anything to her!
She missed my show!
She promised she'd be there!
She won't even tell me why!
I tried to express that that hurt me deeply, and she basically turns around,
and SPITS ON ME!


Some best friend.... ],=

*hugs Ashley* I'm so sorry hun, she isn't wirth your pain, but I know that doesn't help

*hugs Dayna* keep fighting hun, lets hope the MH team can help with the void

*hugs Helen* why are you crying? I'm glad you sorted stuff with your friends

*hugs Arwen* how are you?

*hugs Secrets* sorry to hear things are going downhill again

*hugs Hayley* thanks for the huggles, lets hope the progesterone helps

Hiya PengyNoir, how are you? *hugs*

*hugs FallenPrincess and Irene*

*hugs Kahlia* Accomodation takes time so try not to stress about it, good luck changing your course.

*hugs everyone else*

Me. am two weeks free this evening or tomorrow I can't remember which, as all that week was horrible, lets say this evening and I was doing so well, the high yesterday was interesting, I danced really well, but I couldn't get to sleep I ended up starting to fill in a job application at 2am! but now I'm tired and unhappy and I want my doggy to be healthy, jeez I hate mood swings.

Thanks Wildly.

*curls up in window sill and watches the sun rise, crying*
I don't want to go to school.
I don't want to have first period with her.
I don't even want to be here right now.

Why don't I have the guts to just kill myself already?!
It's not as if the world isn't overpopulated enough.
Besides I'm sure that many people would be just as ****ing happy if I weren't there...

WOW internet. Back here now. Still in hospital.

*hugs to everyone*

Sorry i can't write anything that long right now things are all fuzzy, however Ill soon be home so hopfully they'll ease a bit

*rubs eyes* hmm, it seems I fell asleep in the smoking shelter last night whislt conversing with the animals, lol. Thanks for the huggles, now my turn!....

*huggles damnation* I'm so glad that the appointment has come through and really hope that they can be of some help to you, please try and hang in there a bit longer.

*Huggles Secrets* I don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting before, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't huggle...

I love that everyone says that word in here now....huggle huggle huggle.....sorry where was I?....

*huggles Hells and wipes tears away* oh sweetie, I thought that things were gonna feel a bit better for you now you'd sorted out the situation with your friends. Whats up sweetie?

*huggles wildy insane* Congrats on being 2weeks free, its often those first few weeks that I find the hardest, keep going! I'm also sending out healing thoughts for your doggy to get better. Its horrid when a situation is out of your control, try to stay safe and distracted whilst you wait for news.

*huggles Ashley* Thats crap about your 'best friend' missing your performance, as a fellow performer myself....though not in a few years due to health problems....I know how important it is to have support in attendance and also just to share the experience and achievement. She has shown her true colours by not attending...unless there was an exceptional circumstance. Do not waste your energy or pain on her anymore, I would cut her out of your life as it appears that she has done the same to you......hmmm, sorry for using the word 'cut', metaphorically speaking of course.

*huggles steel madien* hello! I've not met you before either. I hope that the hospital that you're in is of help to you.

Hmmm, what to do now?
*sits waiting to pounce on anyone who needs a huggle*

*crunches and slowly comes out of pouncing position*....oh my bones....time for something to munch & a fag break me thinks....

I just ate too much and feel like purging.
Gah.

oh zowie, try not to purge. Was it really too much or does it just feel that way? I know that my binges now aren't even what you could class as a binge anymore really, but If I eat a 'normal' meal I can feel the need to purge sometimes. *huggles*

Hiya peeps *hugs all round*

Yay SteelMaiden welcome back, how are you *big hugs*

*huggles Hayley back* I'm Hannah :)

*hugs Arwen* sorry to here that hun, hope you don't

*hugs Secrets* don't worry, I just hope things get better

*hugs Ashley* I don't believe that for a minute, you might be surprised at how many people would be absolutely devastated. How did school go?

*hugs Dayna, Kahlia and Helen* how are you doing my dears?

*hugs anyone else popping by*

My dog died. The vets opened him up and found a load of tumours and a chest full of blood and didn't wake him back up. Mum just says she wishes they'd have known before and she'd just have taken him home and put him to sleep in his bed, which I agree with her. I'm okay, animals die, I would have loved to have said goodbye properly though I'd have gone home this evening if he was still around, apparently our other dog doesn't understand.

*leaves some homemade rhubarb crumble for people to help themselves to, there's plenty*

Hey thanks for the hugs Hannah, Hayley & Dayana

I wasn't feeling better, despite the fact I'd sorted things with my two best friends because there's still **** going on on top of other things and it's dragging me down badly. If that makes much sense?

:(

Cry helped though. But I did sobbed myself to sleep, like REALLY majorly hard.

I'm still really poorly and getting worse. Going to try and get a doctors appointment first thing in the morning.

So sorry to hear about your dog Hannah *squishes*

Thanks Hayley and Wildly.

School was crap.
She skipped first block.
Completely ignored me in third.
I tried to make peace with her,
but she just ignored me some more.
She won't even hug me!

I just talked to her on facebook...
she told me why she was mad.
Because I was mad on facebook.
I was hurt and put it in my status
and said I had a suspicion it had to do with her bf
why she missed my show,
and apparently that's worth our friendship.

I'm so ready to just kill myself right now!
Throw myself off a ****ing bridge!
This isn't fair!
Am I not allowed to have feelings!?
Am I not allowed to be hurt?!
Why are my problems always less important than hers?
Why are my NEEDS always less important than hers?

It isn't fair!
It isn't fair!
It isn't fair!

*curls up on floor and cries*

Arwen - it's laxatives that make you poop not purging ... just joking. Neither is a good idea.

Hannah - I'm sorry about your dog

Everyone else - I'm afraid I've only been skimming today because it's been a full on day. So I'm sorry

*offers hugs to everyone*

I'm getting that old familiar feeling where I feel guilty everytime I eat, whether it's a binge or not. Even eating a light lunch made me feel like I'm not even trying to lose this weight.

*hugs wildly insane* thanks for making me feel welcome again. Im sorry about your dog.
*hugs hayley* I dont think we have met, I kinda come and go, times get so busy I have very little time to sleep so Im afriad ryl gets neglected, sorry guys.
*hug Helen* everyone seems to be ill now, I hope you feel better soon.
*hugs Zowie* I know the feeling with food, try eating small amounts and often.

Things are starting to calm, I've come home which is better because it means that I get food in front of me every day rather than not eating for lengths of time however revision has stopped. Cant have everything I suppose.

*leaves homemade curry for all*

Aside from a bit of self induced stomach ache, I think I might be...okay o_o;

*Hugs all* <3

*leaves hugs for all who want them*

I feel like crap. Seeing my niece today was good but it was also bad. I don't want her to end up f*cked up like me. So I get sad. And now I'm on my own my mood has plummeted again. *sigh*

D: *Hugs Kahlia*

And haaay...insomnia strikes back

Dayna ~ ahhhh the dreaded insomnia.

I ended up going out for coffee with a friend of mine. He bikes there and I catch the bus. It takes me a lot longer than it takes him. Unfortunately he can't afford to do anymore coffee's until he gets paid (about 2 weeks) but it made me feel better and allowed him to talk about stuff that is bothering him.

We are both looking forward to the start of semester at uni with trepidation. Him because he is starting a completely new degree (Law) and me because I'm hoping to add to my started degree with a degree in Business so I have a joint degree Business/IT. I don't find out for a week or so whether I have been accepted into the business components though.

I'm looking at a house tomorrow with the hope of moving out of this dungeon and closer to both my friend and the uni. It would make things a lot easier. Except for if I need to keep getting injections once a week. (My doctor is on the other side of town and my mother has been driving me there - but mum and dad are going on a round Australia trip and won't be here for like 12 months.)

I actually feel semi-calm. And I got off the bus at the correct bus stop. A big plus for me as I normally get off at the one before it. But oh well.

Arwen ~ I get this all the time. If you find a solution let me know. *offers hugs*

*offers hugs to all she can find in the ward and leaves blankets for those who find the air-conditioning a bit much and food for those who want it*

*Curls up in a blanket*

*cuddles Dayna*

Well I'm moving this weekend. Start living in my new place either tomorrow or Monday. *runs excitedly around the room*

*pops in and waves hello to everybody*

sorry, 4 not being around..just busy cramming in assignments and what not....ugh

Hope everybody is alrite there..*places chocolate cake on the table* xx