lol, I need to desperatly tidy my room, its really bad, just music and paper everywhere.
I'm really stressing over my essays, need to do a load of reading and get quotes for my class on wed, but got 7 hours of rehearsal tomorrow, so going to print it off in a break and probs end up doing it in rehearsal, or late at night after youth group.
I'm not doing so great, lesson today I was so tense, my knuckles were going white I was gripping the horn so hard, teacher tried to get me to relax.
counselling appointment was ok, bit shorted cos he had to dash off somewhere, but started to look at the roles i have in my life and whether they are fixed or not, quite scary that like only 2 are fixed.
then horn class after, been out at uni now for at least a month, but just complete name and pronoun fail with my teacher and the 2 other students, I'm going to start correcting people soon, its been enough time.

*gives everyone hugs and flowers and then goes and pretends to be invisable in a corner*

*hugs everyone then sits down in a corner and cries*

awww Kahlia hun, come here *hugs and cries a little too* what's up hun?

*hugs Helen too* we always find you when you hiding hun, you ok?

Crimson, thanks sweetheart, but its really not worth confetti and stuff, it kinda just happened and it might be a bit early to start the celebrations. That sounds really negative, sorry.....*starts again* thanks sweetheart, that's awesome confetti and oh, what a noise those noise makers make. *hugs tight* 15 minute intervals are good *nods*

*breathes a huge sigh of relief* glad you got through the talk April, and I know how hard you are on yourself so I'm sure you done AWESOME. SI not so awesome, but I understand and I hug you.

*cuddles Oliver* cos he's around

*finds Julie, hugs her, and pops her back*

I not great, but will survive another day. I had a bit of a miscommunication with a friend and she's real upset and I didn't really mean it and now its all messy, but tomorrow's another day and I'll just have to try again. Maybe.

*hugs everyone lovingly*
I real appreciate you all here you know
x

*cuddles JK* yeah tomorrow is another day, I hope you can sort things out with your friend.

*hugs Kahlia*

I have 9 continuous hours of rehearsal, with only an hour break in the middle today, really not in the mood.

^^ it's like 8:15 at night
lol
how r u all?
*hugs everyone*

Ah the magic of timezones.

Oliver: I have that logged at 18:04 (24hr time) so that must have been fairly early in the morning. It can be a royal pain having a long rehearsal when you aren't in the mood, just take it easy on yourself. I hope you get "lost in the music" and find yourself enjoying it. *big hugs*

*cuddles up to JK*: I'm just really feeling like crap. I feeling like doing something really stupid. My whole mind is set in that direction and I'm trying hard to find some distractions for myself. I don't know how I'm doing. :S Just ... the champix knocked me right back into the depression and I can't work out how to get out. *hugs you again because you sound like you need it*

Julie: Sorry, I haven't meant to be rude. How are you doing? You've been playing invisible in the ward. Is everything okay? *big hugs*

*hugs everyone* - Sorry I haven't mentioned names because I didn't want to leave anyone out or make them feel that they don't matter.

*sits back down in the corner and rocks back and forward until she can cry again*

its 9.30 here now, so it was at 09.04

*sits with Kahlia, hugs and comforts her*

*cuddles JK and Julie*
*cuddles all his amazing ward friends*

I'm so depressed and confused I wish this place was real. I need to run away from reality for a while.

*beings visiable* Kahlia1981 ur not rude
*being inviable*

I shouldn't be awake at 5 am, yet I am. I didn't go to class tomorrow and I don't think I'll go today. I have a ton of stuff I need to pack and move to my new place...yet I can't find the will to do it, I can't find the will to do anything. I'm ****ed and I don't even care anymore.

i love ur colour pencials icon Ileana

*hugs Kahlia tight* I haven't been on Champix, but sounds like something to avoid :/ Please hang in there hun, you've done so well and whilst I know exactly how you feel, I'd real like it if you didn't do anything "stupid" *hugs again* Wish I could stop you crying.

Thanks Oliver, will take time with my friend as its pretty complicated, but hope she'll come round.9 hours of rehearsal sounds FUN! for those who don't do it *hugs*

*cuddles Helen tight*

*admires the coloured pencils in the ward*

Thanx julie

Way to go on your presentation April , Go you ! *Hugs*
*Hugs Ileana*
*Hugs Nicole*
*Hugs JK*
*Hugs Crimson*
*Hugs Kahlia*
*Hugs Oliver*
*Hugs Helen*
*Hugs Julie*
*Hugs Katnovia*
I hope I didn't miss anyone , sorry if I did *Hugs everyone*

*hugs Mark back* how was your sleep? Really hope you're feeling better today. I off to bed now. Strange time-zoned ward x

Oliver: Ah, at least it wasn't too early in the morning. Timezone difference can be a major headache. Thank-you for the hugs. *hugs back*

Ileana: I can't offer an escape from reality, is it okay if I offer you a hug and a listening ear? *offers hug*

*hugs Julie*

JK: The Champix is a Quit-Smoking aid. Apparently not good if you have a mental illness. My GP prescribed it anyway. I managed three days, but already was suicidal and right back in the middle of the depression. If you know someone that has a mental illness (especially a mood disorder) and wants to quit smoking, please advise them not to go on Chantix/Champix. I don't know if it has any other names. *cuddles in tight to you*

*walks around the ward and through the garden and smoking area to find and offer hugs to everyone then slips into her hidden space to sit down and cry again*

Mark: Sorry I must have been typing while you were. *hugs you back*

hey Kahlia, Champix sounds like a bad call from your doc. Hoping that you're off it now and things will return to "normal" soon. *hugs*

I gave up smoking using nicotine patches about 15 years ago, not sure if they would be any better for you?

depression =not good
suicide = worse

Please take care hun, we are here for you, and happy for you to slink off into the garden for a while if it helps you get through.

*stays cuddling tight*

Thanks JK. My housemate and I were both on it, and are now both off it, for the same reason. He's pretty much back to normal .... I'm not. I'm going to ask about nicotine patches, I'm just a bit worried they won't stick and may contain traces of latex - which would mean they will burn me. But yeah. *cuddles into JK*