R/v thread has been updated... it's a little SI graphic... but only a few words.

*Finds April and HUGS*
Oliver, I'm sorry you are falling into a depression , I HATE it when that happens to me *Hugs*
*Hugs Nicole* I'm sorry your mum is being unfair to you , maybe you could put forward the point that you really have tried at school , maybe she would cut you some slack ?

As for my P Doc meeting , I told him that I was feeling numb and he basically said that it was a side effect of my meds and that was better than my depression . I got the feeling that he felt that the meds were working and I should stop my complaining , thats just how it felt to me ......

*hugs april* i know its silly to get upset about one sleepover. but it was really important for me, i have just started to make proper friends and feel included, and now i just feel like my mums ruined all that.
*hugs mark* i've tried that, i told her how hard i've tried, and what it's doing to me (i have started SIing regularly again, and i was doing so well!) but she still wont listen!

*hugs hayley* I hope you had a great day shopping and that you have fun with your wii fit night! Its good to hear you sound so positive in your last few posts :-)

*hugs julie* Thanks for the flowers. They are decorating my room quite nicely lol

*cuddles kahlia* I hope you are feeling a bit better.

*hugs JK* glad that you managed to make it thru a bad day. How are you doing now?

*hugs nicole* Im sorry that you mom and you arent getting along right now. I'm sure she knows that you are trying. Maybe she just wants you to get back into the swing of school so she trying to set more boundaries..? which could be very annoying i know but.. i bet its because she cares. Try not to dwell on it hun.

*hugs crimson* how r u today?

*cuddles helen* I hope that you are taking care of yourself. Its okay that u havent done many individual replies. We do miss ur updates tho!

*hugs mark* I hope that you had a good time at your parents place. I understand the jealously a bit. Some of my younger cousins seem to be incredibly successful and I get kinda jealous/annoyed with them b/c if it. Im sorry that your p doc was not very understanding. Maybe you could try to explain further next time you see him? I know its hard when doctors get it into their minds that their meds/treatments are working.

*hugs oliver* Maybe going to your doctor will be a good idea if your feelings of depression don't decrease soon. Stress could be a major factor tho. I wouldn't just rule that out. Hope you got in some good exercise. It can be very helpful.

*cuddles april* Good luck on your test! Im sorry that your noticing your arm today. I have days like that too where all i do is study my arms. It can be kinda triggering. I read your venting spot. Please try to fight both the ED and SI urges. And remember that you are in no way stupid or pathetic. Hang in there hun.

Things with me havent been great the past couple of days. I did finally talk to my friend. He was very nice.. but he kept saying things that made me feel weird like "You need to hang in there. I mean i know I dont really understand b/c nothing bad has ever happened to me, but...." And idk, i dont really like comparing lives with ppl. It all seems kinda relative.

I'm supposed to work out with one of my friends tonight. However, she wants to swim... and well.. Its gonna be hard to hide in a swim suit... And I have been doing quite badly on the SI front lately so everything is at least semi-new looking.

Tons of work for uni too. So everything combined has made the past few weeks suck pretty badly.

However, I did apply for a job this summer at a local newspaper. So thats positive right? I'm trying to act like i'm really okay. I keep thinking that if it gets easier to pretend im feeling better then better must be not that far off.. or something..

*sigh* why do i have to be like this?

* sits and cries *
if you wanna know about my meltdown/pity party i updated my r/v thread... not that it'll make much sense.

*huggles crimson* I read your venting thread. Sounds like life is pretty crazy right now with all those ppl living in ur apartment. No wonder you are having a hard time dealing with it. Hang in there hun. I wish i had some advice for you, but I wanted to let u know that i read it.

*hugs everyone*

Nice work with all your replies Gorgeous Laura, I'm not even going to try and match that in the 5 minutes i have before starting work!

*hugs Crimson* you're right your RV didn't really make sense lol, but I did gather from it that you have a lot going on right now, so please take some time for yourself and keep safe ok? *hugs again and passes tissues*

*hugs Hayley, April, Helen, Mark, Oliver, Julie, Kahlia,

Nicole honey, don't be too hard on yourself, you'll be back bouncing round the ward in no time. You know you can go without SI, and you'll get back there I'm sure off it *cuddles gently*

*spies Mark, Oliver and Crimson and hugs some more*

I'll catch up on you all later, please try and look after yourselves, and each other.

*hugs and doesn't really want to let go*
*lets go*
xx

*hugs JK* no sweetie, i COULD go without SI, i cant while i'm at school, it's killing me, i'm getting back to my suicidal stage, and i've been back less than a week. i dont wanna go anymore.

JK~ To make it make more sense and shorter... I just feel overwhelmed and trapped since right now I can't go anywhere but work, home and places I can walk to... so no trips to the store or gym or anything else really. But I will have a positive balance in my acct to pay rent with at least since I can walk to my bank from work...

Wow its been a busy day in the ward. I've just finished reading all the posts since I left this morning and have come out of the tv room after watching the leaders debate (UK politics as general election is coming up), so I think I'm up to speed on the world and the ward, but forgive me if I miss anything, its been a long and busy day for me....

*huggles Julie* your flowers are brightening up the ward and its good to see a smiling face in the photo. I hope you're settling in here ok. Is there anything we can help you with?

*huggles Helen* its good that you're looking after yourself, so don't make apologies for it! And you do help us, even if its not a long post, just knowing your there is good enough for me.

*huggles Laura* I seemed to have missed your photo earlier, it wasn't until reading peoples comments that I realised it must be hiding somewhere. I found it! You're beautiful! I don't think your smile looked fake at all, its a very pretty fake smile and real ones are always better than fake ones, so when we get you through this tough patch - you'll be even prettier! How did the work out/swim go with your friend?

*huggles Nicole* glad to see you back in here, I was starting to worry. Oh its so crap that school has set you back again and you're mum seems to be punishing you for it. Perhaps she is worried about letting you out of the house as you've SI'd again? It may be unfair to you, but maybe she's acting out of love? Not that it makes it any easier for you to accept. Teenage years are so hard I remember. Also, is there any way that you can get home schooling and exams at home under medical grounds of school phobia? You obviously can't cope with it at the moment and it seems unfair to make your mental health suffer more when there should be ways to get around it.

*huggles Crimson* Sorry but I've not the brain power at the moment to read your latest update on your rant thread, but even from your breif description and what I've read in the past, I can only imagine the strain and chaos that you must be feeling. Wish that I had more useful words to say...*extra huggles*

*Huggles Oliver* oh its horrid to hear you sinking so low, yet understandable with everything that you've been going through. It is definately a snesible plan to talk to your gp if things haven't improved, or have gotten worse over next few days. I hope the exercise helped.

*huggles April* that women and spirituality class that you had at your professors house sounds right up my street! Also the book sale! I'm so glad that things are a bit better for you, I know you're still struggling right now and worried about your GPA (which I don't understand to be honest, I dropped out of UK uni due to ill health after only 2months) and other things, but the end is in sight and you've so much to be proud of! Keep going and then you can flop out and hibernate away with all those books! Sorry to not read your rant thread yet, again, lacking brain power to do much more than this.

*huggles Mark* try not to compare yourself to your sister, although I know easier said than done. I've got 7 siblings and there is a lot of rivalry and its never good. I wish we could all just be happy and supportive, but human emotions seem to like to thrive on envy and jealousy don't they?! Anyhoo...I'm so glad that your apathy is a side effect and that the doc is happy that you've got that rather than the deep depression. Its not great to be apathetic, but at least its reassuring to know its a side effect and the doc is aware of it.

*huggles JK* thanks for the hugs. I hope that work goes (went) ok for you and that you get through the day a bit better. I may see you before you go to bed depending on what time I wake up and come online! lol

phew! *wipes brow* think thats me caught up! Which is good timing seeing as my night meds are well and truely kicking in; I took them a bit early as I was already shattered and didn't want to stay up just to take them!

Oh shopping went well, got a pair of earings like dreamcatchers and then some moonstone studs (sorry men if it bores you, lol) and I got perfect balance on the wii fit! whoohoo! seeing as when I started I was REALLY wonky, I'm rather chuffed that I'm straight in 63days...lets hope it wasn't a fluke!

*toddles off down the corridor to find a comfy looking spot to snuggle down in*

*curls up*

*cuddles April* you are most certainly not a loser or stupid, by the sounds of it you are very clever, way more than me and are doing well at uni, just think only a few more weeks and then you will be done. Good luck with the exam I hope it goes well.

*hugs Laura* well done for applying for a job,I hope it works out. I can understand you completely with the loads of uni work, I have suddenly have loads all due in for a few weeks time and then my end of year recital not long after that.

*hugs JK* i hope your having a good day, guessing its day time for you know as it half midnight for me.

*hugs Crimson* sounds like you have a lot of stress and strain going on at the moment, try to take it easy and look after yourself.

*hugs Hayley* I'm glad the shopping was good, and go you on the wii fit!

*comes and sits by Helen* you ok?

*hugs Mark, Nicole, Julie and anyone else he has forgotten-sorry*

The exercise didn't really help, I had a major trangst attack, due to not binding because you shouldnt really when exercising, then my bloody asthma decided to start and I couldn't breathe and everytime I breathed in felt like my chest was on fire. but the instructor said he could see I was working really hard and pushing myself before the asthma started and I had to sit out, but it hasn't helped with the depression.
However I did do an hours natural horn practice, did 7 bars for most of it and virtually cracked them, then played whole piece through, doing it as part of my recital and its got to be from memory, ahhhh majorly panicing about that.
but have got an appointment booked for monday with my lecturer to help with my other essay, my other tutor, who is helping with the other essay said I should make an appointment to see him, so I sent him an email saying I am panicing about it and he sent a nice email back saying dont panic, we'll sort it out don't worry.
I'm looking forward to the weekend, got young mens group from youth group and then youth group straight after and then sunday a meet from a lgbt website like this, we are going to a museum and then having a picnic so it should be good.
I just need to really crack on and get some work done tomorrow, make a start on this reading I've got to do, trouble is when I'm like this I have to read everything more than once because my concentration is awful and its even worse when it is complicated stuff.

No I'm not.
I'm sick of my mood being low constantly with the occasional glimspe of happiness.
I can't do it.
****'s sake.
I'll be ****ing fine.
ALWAYS ****ING FINE.
& They tell me nothing's wrong.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

*gentle huggles Helen* you can do it, your'll get through this and we're all here for you, remember that. I'm sorry its not more, just remember we're here for you and you CAN do it.

*huggles everyone*
*cuddles and sits with Oliver and Helen* Tea and chocolates? Those are always good... for the mood benefit anyhow.

*huggles Crimson and grabs some chocolate-thanks* how are you doing?

Why does it have to eel so hard. I'm so scared of getting suicidal again. I can't do this. :'( *curls up and rocks* Sorry.

I got up 'cos I'm hungry so made myself some peas, carrots and sweetcorn with mixed herbs (easy & quick to steam in the microwave) with some rice cakes. yum yum. Anyhoo, I thought I'd make use of my current sanity and come into the active area of the ward and say hello....."hello!"

*toddles over to Helen, Oliver and Crimson*

Hey guys, mind if I join you? *group huggle*

Helen - please don't say that you're fine when obviously your not. Whoever the people are who say that there's nothing wrong are not helping your situation. Are you able to perhaps try a different doctor who may be able to listen compassionately and help you with a treatment that suits you to help with your mood? PLease don't give up. You are such a kind hearted
person; you deserve so many good joy filled times ahead of you. They will come, I don't know when, but I truely believe they are out there for all of us. Fantastic times - as we are the people who will appreciate them the most as we've been to the brink and beyond. Until those times are ready for us and we truely ready for them....we have eachother in this psych ward. *huggles Helen extra supportively*

Anyone want some veg?!

*sits with Hels* I wish I could offer you more Helen, but I'm roughly in the same place you are. All I can offer is a listening ear, a shoulder and a *hug*

*hugs everyone else*

Sorry not up to much in the way of individual replies. There have been approx. 3 pages since I was last in here. I have read everything though, I'm just not keeping track of it all.

My head is scaring me. I've sent an email to the HQCC (see my thread (last few pages) if you need more information there) because I think I might need hospitalisation and I'm concerned they'll mistreat or abuse me, or just refuse to treat me at all. I'm waiting for a response. Very nervous, very scared, and not wanting to admit what else is going on in my head.

*walks around the ward finding everyone and offering them a hug, then disappears into a dark corner*

*huggles Kahlia*

*pops off to read link*