Off to the pub in half an hour, I really shouldn't seeing as it's my last pennies.

*huggles & snuggles all in ward*

Well I'm trying to be positive today....I've emailed people and actually phoned a freind for a chat. The most sociable I've been in months.....truth is, I just feel like a fraud, a liar, I didn't tell any of them about my latest slip up and how hard I'm finding therapy 'cos its bringing things to the surface. No one wants to listen to me whine on....so I should probably shut up in here to.

*goes looking for the 'fake' positivity again*

*goes out to smoking shelter* - perhaps I'll find positivity again out there? I'll bring it back in for you all if I do. I wish I could make everyones pain dissapear. I get sad when others are....

CrazyHayley I know the feeling of pretending, there are very few people who know what is going on with me, most people just think I've been ill and know absolutely nothing more than that. But it's completely your choice who you tell and who you don't tell. Well done for emailing and making a phone call, that's really great! You can tell us how you're feeling here though sweetie. I know I for one can definitely relate :-) *Big hugs*

Shadowed Seraph wow 8 months is amazing! Congratulations :-D Try and hold on to the progress you have made. If you are feeling triggered remember we are all here for you to talk to. And remember even if you do slip up it's just that - a slip up. That doesn't ruin any of the progress you have made. I'm very impressed :-)

Helen I'm not sure what's been going on for you lately as I haven't been around but I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been great. *Safe snuggles*

I threw up lunch today and I feel so drained. Trying my best to be all happy and stuff for my brothers but to be honest I just want to curl up under my quilt and hide away for a while. *Shuffles off to the smoking shelter*

xxx

I need to get away guys. I need out of here but I have nowhere to go. When she gets angry to this day it still terrifies me. The memories keep coming back and I need a break...I need to pull myself together again but there's nowhere I can go. I'm wondering why I don't just take the entire box of pain killers I have for my back. That would give me a break...

Urgh. I'm really spaced out. My sister's here and I'm trying to be normal.

zowie can u talk 2 ya sis she might be able to help.

really struggling they are just sitting there waiting for me to take them. it wud make things so much easier. things are moving so fast and i cant cope argh

My sister gets uncomfortable about my mental health. The spaceyness has passed now, so I'm okay.
Wanted to have a drink with her but my dad's decided not to lend me any money and shout at me for asking.
Then my littlest sister hid my baccy tin, so now I'm in a foul mood.

Would like to just sit in a corner for a bit please. I know I've been away for ages...

*grabs her blanket, pillow, and stuffed lamb and searches for a spare corner*

wow so many posts sends hugs all round

*hugs ForeverChanged* welcome to the room with unlimited corners, feel free to rant or cry or talk if it'll help

*hugs Arwen* sorry to hear that your sister doesn't understand, I hate counting pennies too.

*hugs Cheryl* keep fighting hun, I know it's hard to find the positivity and to feel like you're lying to everybody, but there is positivity there, there is still hope and you are still fighting

*hugs Katie* hope it passes soon, it may be part of the cycle but you deserve to be happy

*hugs Rusynchick* glad you're feeling slightly better, hope it stays that way and you stop panicking

*hugs Todlich* that sucks hun, they're not worth it, really they aren't

*cuddles Vicki gently* sounds like you need some "Vicki time" sorry to hear you want to get away, it's tough if you have nowhere to go

*hugs HannahBanana* I guess your leave has finished? I hope the weekend was okay, I love listening to the birds singing, hop eyou get discharged

*hugs Hayley* you are being positive hun, you're still fighting and there's still hope, but I know what you mean about it being so hard and the lying.

*hugs Shadowedseraph* yay for 8 months, we're here to help you fight but HannahBanana's right about the slip up thing I just hope you don't.

*hugs Helen* you are not worthless and nobody is better off without you and we will keep telling you that till the cows come home cos it's true whether you believe it or not.

*hugs to those hiding under blankets or in corners, leaves strawberries and cream*

Well I'm still fighting too i want to cut, but I am still resisting, how long for I don't know, 6 weeks on tuesday

I need something to do today. I need to keep myself busy.

Thanks Hannah *hugs* well done on resisting and congrats on 6 weeks *cuddles* take care ok

zowie, hope you can find something to keep yourself busy *hugs*

Allllllllllllllllllllllllllllly *jumps on*

Hannah, thank you sweetheart, you'll be there a long time. Because I still don't believe you, although me & you know who ;) are trying to stop putting ourselves down :) Congratulations on 6 weeks, I know you can keep fighting xx

Arwen, hope you find something to do chicken :)

Katiiiiiiiiiiiie, I loves you ;)

Good morning/ afternoon/ evening everyone

Good news... I've been discharged!! Went in to the ward this morning, saw my psych with my dad, waited 45 mins for my meds, said my goodbyes to everyone which was really sad but I'm freeee!!

This afternoon I went to the supermarket and got a load of low cal food which I'm really pleased about. Turned my music up really loud cos I was getting a bit panicky and anxious but I made it, phew.

Tonight I'm going to a choir thing with dad and my brother and I'm nervous about it, new people and everything, and I don't want to be too happy because then She will punish me. And I'm worried about dinner. And I've got this horrible niggling anxious feeling but I'm trying to stay distracted.

Big hugs to everyone, I hope you all have a good day today *Hands out soft teddy bears to all who want one* xxx

*takes a teddy bear and hands out hugs to all on the ward* Well i havent slipped up yet, so feel quite proud of myself! i rang the CMHT to try and talk to my psyche, they said she'd ring me but she hasnt which makes me feel even more worthless than i did this morning *sighs and snuggles teddy* Hows every one else today?

Ta Katie and Helen. Didn't find anything to do, just slept through most of the day actually which was pretty lame.

Yay HannahBanana! Good luck with the choir thing tonight. Have you changed meds or anything? I know you're starting CBT, do you know when?

*Hugs Shadowed back* I'm proud of you too! Well done for not slipping up! I hate it when professionals don't call you back or see you when they're meant to - It really does make you feel like you're not worth their time. But trust me, you are :)

-----

My littlest sister only got home from school an hour ago and she's been such a cow. She said some really hurtful things and then said I was lying when I told our dad what an arse she is. I know it's lame to 'tell on people', but she's never going to learn how to be a decent person unless she's punished for being a cow. And I'm not the person to punish her, our dad is. Not that he ever does.

So now I'm feeling pretty crap. She pissed me off so much that the voices got worse and told me that all the horrible things she said about me are true :(

*hugs Arwen* not true, them things she said, not true

*hugs shadowedseraph* yay for resisting, you are not worthless, they are for not getting back to you

Yay for HannahBanana *hugs* good luck at the choir thing and don't panic about dinner, sometimes it's so much worse thinking about it before hand than the actuall event.

*hugs Helen* yep be positive, you are not worthless, and we are not better off without you, have I by any chance said that before ;)

*cuddles Katie back* thanks

struggling, really, I feel sick I'm struggling so hard, I want to cry, but my eyes are dry, the pain inside has no way of escape, I resist, I'm scared.

*Hugs Hannah* Thanks sweets. Sorry to hear you're struggling, do you want to talk about it? x

I'm having a really bad day today. I can't seem to function right and it's raining and disgusting outside (which makes me sad). I dunno, I just feel like I can't do anything at all today. I havent moved from the couch since I got up, I havent even eaten yet. I'm a mess and I know it. *sigh* I guess the only upside of this is the fact that I don't have the energy to si. So, yeah..just a bad day.

*hugs Arwen and Hannah* thanks for listening guys, i know im not worthless, but i feel that way. *cuddles teddy* Oh well another day nearly over i kinda wish i was on the ward for real, at least then i wouldnt have to look my mother in the eye and tell her that yes i am feelig better today, shes so desperate for me to be well i try hard not to dissapoint her :(