*huggles mark* its good that you want to aim for your one month free bracelet again, but perhaps that is too big of a goal at the moment and can seem 'not real'?! You went a day without SI yesterday, perhaps just setting yourself a daily goal at first would be helpful? And then maybe you could look at the bigger picture as in, well I may not have achieved X amount consectutive days SI free, but I SI'd only half the week? Just an idea, so that you are reducing your SI but not putting pressure on yourself or feeling like a failure if you do one day free and then slip up. I hope that makes sense.

*huggles Em* (borntobleed - have I got that correct?) It's horrid when no one is paying you any attention and you are stuggling so so horribly and withdrawn. But please don't withdraw from us in here, let this be your place of peace whilst you gather some strength to keep fighting. You are just a babe in comparison to some of us in here (I clicked on user profile to check your name!), so we'll all have a few years of advice or more on life to help you with things, or to just offer supportive huggles when words are beyond us. Don't say goodbye to us, try to hang on.

*huggles April* I think you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I don't doubt your tremendous struggles that you're having at the moment, but what amazes me and shows me what a good strong person you are, is the advice and support that you're still able to give others at this time. I also hope the home care thingy with jarrod works out. I've no idea how things like your situation work in the US. As much as I have a moan now and again about the silly benefits system and NHS here in england, I would be lost without it. Street homeless and probably dead by now without healthcare. So hearing your struggles with prescriptions etc, makes me realise how lucky I am.

*huggles Laura* Its good to get angry and want to kick him as it'll help you heal. I know how you feel though when you find out someone who you loved wasn't actually the person you thought that they were and manipulated you - it taints all the memories and I know what you mean by feeling that you wasted the time you had together. I know its a cliche but time will heal, and you'll be able to look back on those 4years and be able to pick out things that you have learnt, experiences had etc that were positive and will be with you for the rest of your life. Also this very experience of the break up, although painful right now, will make you stronger and more aware so that for future relationships you are more prepared and therefore likely to find someone who truely deserves you.

*huggles Helen* aww shame about the job. I've never had to do job hunting thank goodness, I was blessed by jobs that I enjoyed from 16 when I was able to work. I've been signed off sick for nearly 4years now :( though at the moment I'm glad I'm not well enough to be looking for work - it'd be even harder. So I'm one less person to take up jobs out there, an extra chance for you! :) Just be patient and don't loose heart, everyone is struggling to find work at the moment so don't take anything personally.

me? pass.... next question....

*goes out to smoking shelter*

*cuddles April and Hayley lots*

Ah Hayley, you're such a sweetheart. That made me smile. Yes, I'm sure I'll find something eventually. =) Just losing heart, something will turn up I'm sure..

I'm glad I made you smile Helen - that makes me smile too! :-D

I'm getting all anxious about a phonecall I plan to do tomorrow to my father about, well, everything. I don't want to go into it now as Eoghan (ewan) is out drinking all night, which is why I'm waiting til tomorrow. Anyhoo, so its distraction time. World of Warcraft here I come!

*takes her geeky self to the corner of the ward and turns into a gnome!*

i am such a moron...
i missed 8 questions on my test... 3 of them i had written the right answer then erased it and put something else...
i still passed but still... such an idiot.

You're not an idiot, I promise *cuddles*

Hayley, enjoy gaming =)

Yey WoW... :D

The sad bit is that I don't want to even play that anymore. :( But gnomes rock. :D What class is s/he, Hayley?

I just want to sleep... :(

goes to a corner and rocks back and forth. cries my heart out. =[

*cuddles Helen*
I hate second guessing myself... that test lowered my semester average from an A to a B... 6 lessons to finish... hopefully I can keep my average from dropping more. (3 essays, 1 research based ethics eval and 2 exams on the court system) I suck at essays though so I've been procrastinating and over thinking them probably... and the books on the court system are soooooo boring I just can't keep focused on them... And I lost my Paralegal Ethics Rules book so I had to print the current ethics laws from the net to even begin this project... I have to get this finished in 4 months or I run out of extentions...

*cuddles Jill* What's going on, hon?

*cuddles Crimson* Sorry, no words of advice here, just cuddles... my brain's fried and I am utterly exhausted at the moment.

*cuddles Helen* How's your evening going?

I feel awful. Even "New Moon" couldn't get my mind off of me for awhile. That just sucks. :crying: I hate being so "full of myself," if you will have it put that way, that even a well-made and exciting film won't get my head out of my own arse. I hate it.

And I still really, really want to die. :(

sent you a pm scarletdreamer, sorry if thats too much, or triggery.

It wasn't too much or too triggery, Jill, just know that I won't be able to respond tonight. Sending you lots of hugs though - can't get my thoughts in a straight enough line to make enough sense to help you. :( But I'll try tomorrow. *big cuddles*

*hides in a really really dark corner*

Sorry if this is offensive to anyone who is not Christian, but I thought that the principles of it can be seen here in the site ("love never fails you")... and it's a positive song... so yeah. Hope you like it. :-S If you find it offensive, please ask me to remove it.

no worries april, please stay safe. big bear hugs if its okay.

I'll stay safe... don't worry about me.

And hugs are always welcome!!! :)

*cuddles everyone*

Havign a **** evenong but a good one too. My ear's really ****ed up at the moment. Can't hear that well anyway (am deaf) but like, I really can't hear out of my right ear clearly, it's like ringing most of the time (which my ears do) and yeah, all quality's ****ed. Don't know how to explain it. But it's really distressing :(

*huggles everybody*

Sorry no individual replies but there's been 2.5 pages of posts since I was last in here and I just can't keep up.

I crashed out on the couch last night after getting a phonecall from my housemate saying he'd be on the next bus home. He sent me a text about 30 minutes later and I was fast asleep already! I only woke up when he unlocked the security door. I was supposed to have started dinner and done all sorts of stuff. :(

I still managed to crash out last night until after 9am this morning. And then went back to bed until 10:45.

I have to go to the shops and pick up my mobile phone that I took in as it was under warranty and the battery kept dying. Seriously I could make like 1 phonecall and then, if I tried to make another one/got another one, it would just die mid call. And it was less than 6 months old. So they've replaced the battery and updated the software. I've been using a really old phone so it'll be nice to have mine back again.

*hugs everyone, leaves a plate full of kit-kat's on the table and disappears into a corner*

Sorry I have no individual replies , so many posts to catch up on
Next week I'm at my parents house while they 1) Take my sister and Bro in law to Birmingham to get Bro in laws permenant Visa , He is from The Gambia and they have a child together , they met while my sister was in Africa last year , so romantic ,awwwww , so I'm dog sitting and 2) for easter , we don't really DO Easter but we are just spending it together. I'm already freaking out that I won't get the privacy to S.I. and planning ways to S.I. in my mind , I have to be really secretive and quick , *Sigh*

There's a whole lot I want to type out about how I'm feeling , I'm really low and I feel selfish for being low with my Brother in laws Visa request stressing out the whole family .

*Group Hugs*

*group cuddles*

Where to start, where to start...

Hels, I'm sorry that you had a bad night last night... are you feeling better now? I hope so... :( I hate thinking of you not feeling/doing very well, although I know it's a more common state than not for most of us here. *hugs tightly* Take care of yourself, okay?

Mark, that is a sweet story about your brother in law and sister. :) I hope that he gets his visa... and I hope that you won't find a need to SI then, because sometimes quick & secretive SI'ing can be worse than the opposite. *curls up next to* I hope that today goes better for you than yesterday or the day before that... how are you feeling? just low? Oh, and please, please, PLEASE don't feel selfish for feeling low with what's going on with your family... we can't really control our moods all that well at times, so don't beat yourself up over that. Easier said than done, I know, but please, try. *hugs*

Kahlia, I'm sorry that you're so exhausted. I am too... went to bed at 9pm last night and got up at 6am today... so tired. I will probably be taking a nap sometime today if I can get away with it... it's an escape, I am aware, but at least I can escape somehow!! That sucks about your phone - I hope that they fixed it. :) How's the depression? still hanging about? *hugs*

I cried last night. I honestly didn't think that I could but I did. Jarrod made me by "playing chicken with a freight train" - being cold and unsupportive on purpose just to let me get the tears out. Not the best tactic, I will admit, but it worked. I didn't feel much better after crying though... so I don't even know why I bothered. Crying is so stupid... at least, for me to do. :( Hypocritical I know.

*sigh*

I still feel like ****. I want to cry, but it didn't help, only made my contacts dry. I want to take a hot shower but we're supposed to be conserving water (I think). I want to play WoW all day but I have an exam that I need to get done... and a paper to write... and a whole bunch of other crap that I need to get done. :(

I don't know what to do either... there are unresolved issues in Jarrod's & my marriage and I really need to do something about it... just more stress added to what I already have to cope with. I'll manage... but it's just sad, I don't know. I wish that I could be perfect!! :(

*hides*

hey guys, sorry i havent replied,havent been able to get online. i didnt take the pills....but i did cut. a lot. hope youre all ok? *hugs*

Heya Nicole... *hugs* I'm glad you didn't take the pills but I'm sorry that you cut... :( did you take care of the wounds at least, I hope?

I'm really tired but can't get to sleep. Want to cry but can't. Want to feel better but can't. I feel so stuck.