*cuddles JK* I'm sorry you've cut again hun. Please look after your wounds & yourself. *snuggles* I've tried being in a shower, sitting & crying, but I can't do it? LOL. I hate water getting in my face anyway :( The cry will happen sooner or later, probably when I don't want it too. *sighs* I do wonder where Nicole's got to, oh yeah, just remembered, she's been banned from coming online for a week or something. It's her birthday tomorrow :D

*cuddles back* I'm OK, and thanks yes I will look after them, I've had plenty of practice over the years..lol. My second best crying place at the moment is my car in the dark, listening to loud music, but yeah you're right it will come and you hopefully will get some relief when it does. *holds Helen and offers her a safe place to cry herself silly*

*waves to Oliver, and apologises for forgetting him in my last post*

Thanks JK *cuddles*

I spy April *jumps on* :P

*gets panicked and stops filling out paperwork to hide in the ward*

*Hugs ward mates*

*hugs everyone*

*huggles everyone*

JK - Sleep meds don't work on me. I took 2 2mg Xanax last night and still didn't sleep. It's a bit of a concern. I guess we just have to wait and see what happens. :(

*cuddles all*

been out to pub tonight with people from course, had to come back early because it got crowded and I got really anxious and freaked out so had to go.

*hides in corner*

*cuddles Oliver* Well did you have a good time while you were out?

*cuddles everyone*

I feel so ****. Bleh. I think I've upset my best friend (the one in hospital). Hmm.

*hugs oliver* that sucks that u got anxious.. I hope you had a good time for awhile tho.

*hugs helen* im sorry that your not doing well today hun. *more cuddles*

*hugs kahlia* No sleep at all sounds awful. Hope you fall asleep tonight! *plays relaxing sleep music*

*cuddles april* That sounds great about the internship place. Good job on making the phone call! Sorry that you've been so anxious lately. It really sucks.

*hugs mark* How r u doing tonight?

*huggles jk* Glad that you took care of your cuts, but sorry that you had to do them in the first place :-/ I hope you are able to make lots of plans for the weekend.. keeping busy really is helpful.

*hugs crimson* Why did you panic? Hope everything is okay.... O and I like playing on all the stuff at the gym too lol. Although i dont belong to one right now as i couldnt afford it. Hopefully next year they are opening one on my campus that will be included in the tuition.

I havent managed to talk to my friend yet but i messaged him and told him that i needed to so hopefully in the next few days...
*curls up in a ball and tries not to cry*

Something's happened/happening asdjiofh >.> Please let her be alright. Please? :'(

*cuddles helen* what has happened? I hope your friend is alright. You ok hun?

I'm filling out papers to get housing assistance (my rent goes up more than my pay does) and I have too many people in my house... It gets me moved more to the top of the list with AHFC but if they tell my landlord I have 2 sister in laws a friend and her infant staying in my apt too then I'll get kicked out. So either I lie to AHFC and wait even longer to get help affording a roof over my kids' heads or I risk being homeless.... If AHFC finds out I lied then I will be denied help. It's so circular and screwed up... I don't know what to do but I know I need to finish the paperwork. *cries*

*cuddles Laura* Well her aunt texted me saying she got called into hospital. I panicked as didn't know why. Turns out she'd been crying & fainted twice before her aunt got there. She was being moved when her aunt arrived & is speaking to doctor as we speak, so she'll probably find out more what happened & let me know. Or something...

Wish I was okay. Was seriously panicking & thought she was dead or something. Pathetic. :wow:

*cuddles crimson* o wow, im so sorry about your housing situation. Im not sure you should risk lying to them though... I think that might turn out worse.. although I wish something could be done for you now...

*cuddles helen* Well at least it sounds like your friend is going to be alright. Hope they figure out why she fainted.. maybe it was from be exhausted/dehydrated from crying... You are not pathetic in the least tho. You were worried about a friend. Thats not a pathetic thing.

*Waves good morning*
My social worker should be here in 10 minutes, ugh I don't know what to say to him .
*Hugs Helen* I really hope your friend is alright ,
Crimson , your situation sounds really complicated I hope you can work it out *Hugs*

Things are getting worse for my best friend :( Things happened after I went offline, well they happened whilst I was online but I didn't know. She had a violent fit through the night & was moved to ICU :( She's got a nurse now for 24/7 as they think she'll take a turn for the worst again. *curls up* I hate this :(

oh Helen, come here hun *cuddles* There's nothing you can do but keep believing ok? This must be **** for you, and I so feel your pain.

*hugs tight and prays with Helen for her friend*
xxx

*waves at Mark* how'd your SW appointment go sweet?

*hugs JK tight* Thanks. It's more than **** :( Plus my ****er of a period decided to start four days early, thank you very ****ing much, NOT :@ It kills aha. *hides*

*offers Helen a hottie* [in New Zealand a 'Hot Water Bottle' which is very comforting and fixes period pain instantly]

you'll be ok hun, I wish there was something I could do.

*hugs some more and hides with Helen*

My SW apointment went ok thanx JK. I am a bit worried about a friend I met in hospital last year I haven't heard from him since Christmas and his phone goes to an automated message saying it's out of limits or something , he doesen't reply to my texts , and I wrote him a letter a couple of weeks ago and haven't had a reply , My SW rang up his mental health drop in place for me and they said there has been no sign of him:( the last time I coulden't get hold of him was becuase he had OD'ed so I'm worried yeah .

*Super Hugs Helen*

JK, I wish there was something *I* could do. I feel useless just sitting here waiting & waiting :( I think I may attempt a hottie :P But they don't usually help. *cuddles lots*

*hugs Mark lots* I'm sorry you're worried about a friend, is there any other way of contacting him? :( Or perhaps one of his friends or something? *cuddles* Hope you hear something soon & that he's ok.

*hugs Mark and Helen gently* You two need to look after yourselves as well. We are all such lovely people and care so deeply about others, BUT it can't be at the expense of ourselves ok?

*keeps Mark & Helen safe*

Way past my bedtime here, you guys are like ready for lunch yeah? lol

xxx

Oh and Helen, hotties always work here in New Zealand, maybe you need to relocate ;)

We do indeed. *group hug with you two*

I'm sure this pain is getting worse on purpose -.- I have chores to do aswell but no way can I attempt them right now :( I should stop whining.

Yes, it's 12.38pm here in the UK woo :)

Edit: Perhaps I do need to relocate, sound good *sighs*

*Group hugs with JK and Helen*

*cuddles and sits down with Helen and holds a kind of candlelight vigil for Helens friend* Periods coming early can be a real pain in the ass. Mine did that last time - 10 days early, & I'm on the pill. Meh. Just try and do what you can to make yourself comfortable. *hugs you again*

Mark: Good to hear that your SW appointment went okay. Not so good about the friend.

JK, Crimson, Laura, April, everyone I've missed: Sorry I haven't been able to keep my head together to catch up with everything ... still lacking on sleep although hoping to get some tonight. *big hugs for you all*, and I hope you are doing okay.

Thinking of you all.

*listens carefully for whining but doesn't hear any?! wtf ...*

Relocate is GOOD, part of my cunning plan to have a New Zealand full of RYL friends, cos it IS all about me after all... mwahahah

*says hey to Kahlia* think you should relocate with Mark and Helen too x*

*buys a big house and thinks about bed*


xxxx

*hugs everyone*

Thanks Kahlia. Periods are ****ers. Am trying to be comfortable but nothing's working so far, just have to wait. It'll settle down in a few hours I'm sure :(

JK, hope you sleep well if you're off to bed *snuggles*

*cuddles helen lots* I'm really sorry about your friend

*hugs Mark* I'm glad your appointment went ok, but I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

*hugs JK, Kahlia, Crimson, April and anyone else he has forgotten*

I had a bad time last night, after my internet went got really angry and depressed and was wondering round feeling really trapped in my room, but couldn't go out as we're not allowed to, and then ended up finding a way to harm.
course is nearly over, concerts tomorrow and sunday, which i am excited about, but really dreading it because got to wear the stupid dreaded skirt and sash, arrrrrrrrrrrr major trangst at the moment.
sorry I'm being useless.
*hides*

You're not being useless Oliver. I'm sorry your net ****ed up & stuff. *cuddles*

I spy April (aswell as Oliver, Kahlia, Mark & myself :P) How are you?

*hugs Oliver* You are quite wonderful you know, and I for one just LOVE having you on the ward to add that je ne sais quois!

Nicole's birthday today. I started at new thread although someone may have already. Sweet 16, goodness that's a long time ago for me ;) http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...92#post2243792

Good morning everyone... *cuddles*

Hels, I'm so sorry about your friend. :( What kind of fit was it, do you know? I'm glad that they're letting you know what's going on with her at least... it would be worse not knowing I think. *huggles tight* And yeh, I hate periods too... they suck beyond all belief. Mine's due soon and I'm dreading it... heh... but anyway. I wish I could help you more... *holds you and rocks*

JK, it would be awesome if we all could relocate and have a bunch of friends down in NZ!! I've only ever been to Canada (I'm located in the northeastern States) so it would definitely be an adventure. :D And I could use the magic of a "hottie" always working!! :P Pleasant dreams... you are a lovely person, always remember that. :) *cuddles*

Kahlia, how are you doing? *cuddles* I hope okay... how was your day?

Laura *cuddles* I hope that things get better for you soon. How are you doing today?

Mark, I'm glad that your SW appt went okay. How are you feeling? I hope your friend is okay too... I'd be worried as well. *cuddles* Sending prayers up for him and for your friend too, Hels.

I spy an Oliver!! How are you? how're the rehearsals etc. coming? (I also spy a Helen, Mark, and Kahlia!! :D) *cuddles all*

Sorry if I missed someone... there's been a lot of posts since I posted last, so yeh... :o

I'm really exhausted, got up at 5am again today... stupid me... I'm at my parents' now... which means I'll probably eat too much. Damn it. :'( I hate my body, I hate my mind, I hate my life...

And, to make matters even "better," some online friends are telling me that I'm being too sensitive about my bestie (see my r/v thread for details)... which I agree with, kind of, but it's like... THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!! :crying:

*hides in shame*

Thanks April :( I don't know what kind, just know it was quite violent :( I'm glad they're letting me know what's happening too. *cuddles* I'm not surprised you're dreading it. I wasn't too thrilled about this one. But least it'll be done with for another month >.> Don't mind it apart from the pain :'( It's just not necessary. It's getting me really upset, well more upset, but can't cry as it'll make pain worse. I can't move without it hurting. I have so much cleaning to do today aswell :'( But I've made a very tiny start on it >.> Trying to keep busy to not think about the pain & my best friend but not working.

*drags April out of hiding* I'm sure that I've spoken to you about that sweet ;)

Hey Laura, how you hun?

Helen, hunni, just try and be with it all OK? I can appreciate how hard it is, but you have to be the number one priority. You are to us darlin xxx

I am definitely off to bed now, before I turn into a pumpkin.

I've actually had a ***** evening, had to go get stitches for the first time in 15 years, and I really really really hated it. On a positive note it made me realise that I so don't want that any more, so potentially a bit of a turning point.

Y'all take care of each other while I slip off to bed *grabs Puppy Sinclair to cuddle with*

xx

Please may I just die til this pain ends? :'(

Hope you sleep well JK x

*hugs Helen* nah, sorry hun, you stuck with us and we will go through your pain with you.

*sits next to and cuddles gently in her sleep*

Take care hunni xx

Okay :( Take care too xx

*cuddles april* rehearsals are going ok thanks, last day of them today. I'd be exhausted too if I got up at 5am, do you have time for a nap at all to recharge your batteries a little?

*cuddles helen* No, we won't let you die, your'll get through this pain and we're here to help you through it.

Night JK, *hugs*

*cuddles Oliver*

*peeks back in*

I have a question for any of you who have struggled with suicidal ideation (thinking about but not having a detailed plan for suicide) in the past. I'm writing my senior sem paper on suicidal ideation and coping mechanisms and I need some case studies... and I was wondering if any of you would be willing to PM me a story of a time when you struggled with it? If you could, then include mentions of how you coped with it (it can be bad things, like drinking/drugs, or good things, like therapy/reaching out, since the paper is studying both). Just a good-sized paragraph or two about it would suffice... and I'd need your last name's initial (or I could make it up, if you prefer).

I hope that's not against the rules. :-X

*cuddles JK* Sleep well, love... I'm sorry that you had to get stitches... I did back in December and that stopped me from SI'ing for ~3 months, but I have since... but not gotten stitches. Were you treated okay in the ER/A&E?

*cuddles Hels* Nope, no dying for you yet. Not until God decides it's your time. *more cuddles, gently to avoid hurting you* Things will be okay... you'll make it. I'm sorry though, that the pain from the period is so bad. :(

*cuddles Oliver* Good luck with the concert!! That's exciting. What music (composers) are you doing??

So freaking tired... :'( I tried to take a nap but wasn't sleepy enough, to my surprise. Oh well. I've been working some on my senior sem paper but it is making me aaangry. :'(

*hides*

The pain's better but still too much to do any chores. I had a nap which helped. So stupidly got up & went downstairs. Only meant to get food, even though I feel sick. Ended do a little bit more for my chores >.> Silly me. I feel so dizzy :(

*cuddles Hels* I'm sorry that you're still feeling icky. :( I wish I could help somehow...

I'm so sick and tired of the bullshit that's my life. :(

Or at least, couldn't I have a positive attitude going into it all?!

*sits and cuddles April* I know the feeling sweet :(

*cuddles Oliver* Just remember... a 2 day Halloween concert. You'll be okay. Its almost over. *cuddles and sits with*

*contemplates moving to NZ too*

I think I found a way to not lie and not risk (re the housing issue)... I'm going to have J fill one out for her little one and herself to get on the housing list and fill one out for my family. If she is also filing paperwork then she can't be on mine thus taking 2 people out of the equation and making us not an overcrowded household. Without lying.

*huggles everyone* sorry for the lack of real individual replies...

Am so exhausted. :(

*cuddles Crimson* Glad you figured out a way around lying. :) Sounds like a good solution, too. How are you feeling?

I spy an Oliver!! :D *cuddles*

I just want to sleep... damnit... did a little revision on my senior sem paper today but it just confused me, I don't know. :( I'm stupid. :'(

Hels, how're you doing? and everyone else? *ginormous pain-relieving cuddles (both physical & emotional pain-relieving) :D*

*cuddles April* we are doing: Candide Overture by L Bernstein, 4 dances from West Wide Story by L Bernstein, Cartoon by P Hart, Flute concerto by M Mower, Short ride in a fast machine by J Adams and Scheherazade by Rimsky Korsakov.
I may PM you soon, when I get a chance to write a paragraph for you, but won't be on tomorrow will be in a concert, so it will be sometime in the next few days.
you are definetly not stupid. *more hugs*

*cuddles Helen* I'm glad the pain is a little better, if you like bananas they can help with it.

*cuddles Crimson* yeah thanks, thats a good way to think about it, just dreading it and I know when I see my mum in the sunday concert she will laugh and make some joke.

one more rehearsal left today and then we are having a quiz tonight, then rehearsal tomorrow in the venue and then the first concert, really stressing, one of my solos I keeping ****ing up when playing it in front of everyone, but when practicing it goes fine, I just hope it will be ok on the night.

*cuddles April* The pain's still there but more bearable now than earlier. I'm sorry for all the whining earlier :( Still no update on my best friend. Hmm a little concerned but they do say no news is good news *sighs*

Oliver, haha, I hate bananas but thank you :)