Probably Michigan. It's not gonna be for another year and half if not longer. I have to finish my current study first. I can't wait though, it's pretty much saved my life. I don't think I've ever looked foward to something so much before.

*glomps mark & jess* :)

*cuddles hels* sorry you're not doing so well right now, seems like a lot of us aren't. :( i wish i could make things better for you, love... :( is there anything i can do? and i'm glad that you got more sleep than you normally do. i guess that's a good thing. :)

i just wrote a media ad on depression and teens... i'm afraid it's not geared too much towards the state i live in, which is kind of what my supervisor wanted, but i couldn't find any stats on that, or anything. argh. oh well. i'm going to write a few media ads today, on mental health stuff... should be interesting. :)

*feels like ***** :'(

*cuddles everyone*

i spy an oliver *waves*
*hugs everyone and flops down in a random place*

It's quiet in here.

that it is this morning
how are you lindsay(?)?

Hello *Waves* How are you Lindsay?*Hug*
*Hugs Crimson*
*Huggles Helen*
*Hugs Jessica*
*Cuddles Apil*

*Plomps himself is a cosy hole in the warren for the night* I need to turn in early tonight , ridiculaosly early really PLEASE PLEASE let me sleep.
Leaves hucgs and biscuits on the table .

*hugs mark* im sorry you are feeling so low. Hope that you are able to sleep.

*hugs crimson, lindsay, helen, april, and jess*

Very quiet day in here. Hope everyone is safe.
*goes back into hiding*

*sits frustrated* today is just not working for or even with me! i want to post a youtube vid... i just keep failing... at everything...

morning
god i'm up late today

*waves* mornin' julie

not okay not okay not okay not okay

:crying:

*hides away*

*finds april and cuddles her*
anything you're up for talking about?

damn... gotta run down and cover r's lunch in just a minute...

i'm just really triggered... that's all... i'll be okay...

and i found out that the application to the first residential place to which i'm applying is twenty pages long!! :-S it's just daunting, i know they have to sort people out somehow and 20 pages of stuff to fill out is a good way to start. lol. plus they do need all of the information, but it's going to be a pain to dig up... like all of my hospitalizations. :-S and i have to fill out release forms for it... which won't be cool at all. :(

i just want to die. i don't want to do this anymore. i am so sick of it all.

Well I'm still awake., Porridge and camomille tea in me now . I was thinking about food ( Hence the Porridge ) and camomille calms you to sleep ( Or thats the theroey) , my mind is still racing. hopalong hopalong hop it's going not a spot of fun , I'll over sleep if I don't sleep soon . Tommorow I have to go with my housing support worker to find out why my housing benefit hasen't been paid for 2 weeks , stressing a bit over that , and my mum is coming to help me clean my flat beacuase my sister has apperently told her it's dirty , GGGrrrr Family I haven't been taking care of myself , my flat for 2 weeks but I am quite a clean person normally , I'm just so very down recently *Sigh* sorry to rant.

Twenty Pages April !!! just think how worth it it would be , just focus on the outcome ,how great it would be to be S.I. free for THE Rest of your life !! I'm sure it is daunting , make your self a tea and do the first 10 or 5 pages and take a break and do it like that maybe :)

thanks for the encouragement, mark. maybe i will make myself a cuppa, but only after i clear off the kitchen table. it's stuffed full with empty bottles and newspapers and things (we haven't been taking care of our apartment either :o ughhh)... so there is hardly any room for us to eat at it anymore. blahhh.

i'm sorry you haven't slept yet, that sucks. :( what exactly is porridge? 'cause it sounds really tasty... hehe. is it like oatmeal? or cornmeal pudding? *is curious*

ohh and what do you guys think qualifies as "modest, appropriate clothing"? because since these are Christian programs i'm applying to i have to wear clothes of that description. not like i dress like a sl*t or anything but... well, my camis definitely aren't modest. but would a tshirt of the red queen from alice in wonderland with "off with her head" on it be appropriate? methinks not... lol. :P

i am so tired... just want to sleep. but it's only 5:15pm here, only been up 12 hours, heh... so can't go to sleep just yet. grrrrrr.

updated r/v... :-/

i spy a tineke and a mark!! *cuddles both* tineke, have missed you, how have you been doing?

Porridge is the same as oatmeal , I put into mine sultanas and sugar ( Due to lack of honey)
As for the dress code goes colthing that they mean clothes that don't show to much flesh , so you are basically covered up . most times . but I don't think they would have a problem with Alice in Wonderland Tee-shirts

You changed your Avatar again! , you can't leave it alone can you lol its good though.

*Sleep inducing Huggles*

*huggles mark* no, lol, i love changing my avatars, on livejournal and other forums i used to go to i change(d) them all the time. hehe. but you've got to admit that this one is awesome. ;) i hope that you're getting sleepy since it's getting really late there now... :( i hate insomnia, and i remember what it's like... so yeah, i can feel your pain. :( did the tea and porridge help at all?

i really don't want ot eat supper... :'( i'm not hungry at all, in fact i'm full because i ate a huge late lunch (okay, "huge" but still...)... :'( and am anxious on top of all of that. arghhh!! :(

*hides in a hole*

mark~ hope you get some sleep and the benefit gets worked out. *huggles*

april~ you could try doing the app in 15 minute sections... 15 min of filling in, 15 minutes of breaks, 15 min of filling in, 15 min of breaks, etc etc till done...?

that's a good idea too, crimson... thanks. :) i'm just really scared to even start the app because i don't know for 100% that i want to do res. even though i do think it would be the best thing for me... i think. :-S

i just ate supper (parmesan couscous) and i'm so ****ing full right now... and "full" is a trigger for me for all sorts of bad thoughts...

:crying:

i think i'mma go on wow for a bit... :'(

but you can think about what you want to do while you fill it out and by the time you're done filling it in you'll probably know if you want to give it a go or not...

Bad night.
Not been best day.
*hides and cries*
SHUT UP HEAD, JUST ****ING SHUT UP.

*cuddles helen*

*cuddles Crimson*

Hmm this has been one really crapy day and night, really
worried about a freind of mine. She really I'll at the sec,
and had dissapeared of skype. So I got no idea if she is
okay. My mind keeps thinking the worse which is freaking
me out. It's not helping that it's 3.30am here and iam
wide awake not good. Meh can this be over allready i
have had enough!!!!

april- what programme are you looking into?

*yawn* im sleepy =[

I'm up , I slept after the poridge and tea yes
My mood is a little fraght, and de-icing my ice box in my fridge and thought I would ake to a lake in my kitchen but it's pooled in the fridge and a lot of it hasn't melted ,
So yeah Good morning everyone:)

Nap for an hour before Mum comes , I know its early but nap I am tired

*cuddles everyone*
sorry no individual replies, I've just got back from being at the hospital all night, my gf not me was ill, she is still there but I had to leave for uni stuff and got to go in a few mins, but just wanted to pop by and give you all lots of hugs and cuddles

*Hugs Oliver * I hope your Girlfriend has a speedy recovery :)

The nap didn't work out lol.

*Glomps Kat and runs away to expect my mother * lol

lol *glumps mark back before hiding in deep squishy hole cos she's knackered and sore.*

i'm back home...urg. A part of me would almost love to be still in hospital, so much easier on Jack, but i was missing hazel madly. Currently going through the phase of, 'why the hell did i get that done?'..i'm sure when the pain eases off i'll feel a whole lot better!

glad you're okay, kat. :) and glad the operation went well (at least, i'm assuming that it did). *gentle squish*

mark, hope you enjoy your time with your mum - i forget (brain = sieve), was this a "fun" visit or a "business-y" visit? i hope you're not too triggered today, and that you don't feel like you have to have your happy mask up all of the time. *cuddles*

*cuddles oliver* hope your girlfriend gets better quickly; what's wrong? :( that has got to be stressful for both you and her... and how are you doing??

heather, i'm looking into a friend's house (afh), mercy ministries, and vision of hope (voh). they're all free, all Christian, but i wish i knew a bit more about them. one of my online friends has some friends who have been through voh and afh and can tell me more about what it's like, but they haven't gotten in touch yet. :( grrrr. so i really don't know what i'm jumping into. both voh and afh are in indiana... mercy is either in california or missouri so i'm hoping to get in to one of the ones in indiana (as i'm in pennsylvania and they're only like a day's drive away, ish). why? :)

*cuddles hels* we're here if you want to talk about it.

*cuddles crimson* true... i'm just really scared at all of the detailed information they want me to give. :-S like release forms for all of my hospital stays. not sure that that is a good thing... although all of the stays (5) were voluntary. :-/ it's just that i'm going to have to find the time to drive up to the hospitals and sign the damn forms. they're all a good 45 minutes to one and a half hours away... :( gahhhh.

i'm not doing great this morning. i literally just got up, did my bathroom stuff, then came to the comp... had nightmares last night about my therapist and other stuff... not a good night. plus, jarrod didn't come to bed until 1:30am. really late for us. argh, i am just frustrated with life in general and me in particular. :( and i have to go in to work today for a meeting, which doesn't make me happy... although the meeting should be interesting. i hope. :)

*hides in the warren where no one can find her* :'(

*cuddles all and then hides*

*huggles/waves at all*

Sorry for being quiet and selfish/unsupportive at the moment. Just not able to get words together. Me bad, sorry.
Really struggling right now. Very urgy - both SI and suicide wise. Smallest things can trigger. *sigh*

*hides in ceiling*

*hugs everyone*

*hugs Lindsay* How you coping sweetheart? Oh & before I forget, Jade (Tears of Soltidue) asked me to pass her condolences to you xx

Mum wanted to clean as mu sister had told that my flat was filthy , but as it turned out it wasn't and is now super clean :) then she stayed for lunch.
This Afternoon.
My Housing SW is taking my to the benefits office to find out why my housing benefits havent beed paid for 2 weeks , must be 3 weeks now , is a worry.

Thanks Helen. I'm doing ok. All of the practical arrangements are keeping me sane. I've been rushing about most days trying to get the funeral sorted.

How are you?

*hugs Mark*

Hey everyone. *hugs* Just here to say hi.
So tired and dizzy. Gonna force some food down for the first time in two days and try and sleep.

*Hugs Lindsay *

*Hugs Jessica*

My PM box is open even if my replies are'nt instant

Mark, sounds good, well the cleaning bit anyway *squishes* Hope you get it all sorted =)

You're welcome sweetheart. Glad being busy is keeping you sane. Hope it's not stressful though. *offers more hugs* I'm low but trying to hang in there.

*hugs lots* I hate being dizzy & tired. It's not a good mixture. Hope food & sleep help xx

*gently squishes april back* thanks sweetie. It went well, an hour in surgery and 10 1/2 hours in hospital in all, so quite good. Feeling it today though, think i'm getting a chest infection from the G.A. Coughing is agony. Good distraction from all the other **** though! *cuddles* i'm sorry you had nightmares, they really suck. At least you know they are not real *cuddles again*
*cuddles helen*
*uses ceiling searching device to find and cuddle Kahlia*
*hugs Lindsay*
*hugs mark* that is slightly concerning..however they do get their knickers in a twist sometimes. I hope its all sorted out soon.
*hug jessica* i hope you feel better soon.


wish i had better words for you all.

Well this unpaiment of rent was a beaurocratical error or someone typed somthing in the wrong place , anyway , now all I have to struggle with is looking happy at my parents 60th weekend party , gosh that sounds insignificant , just a few days in the company of the happy mask . :-) < There it is<

april- hmm i heard some bad things bout mercy so... i think someone on here has a blog about it and there were a bunch of articles online about it so i'd say do lotsa research on it

April, I agree with Heather's point of research, that's always a good thing :)

Mark, that's not insignificant at all, especially if it's effecting/bothering you, all of us struggle from loads with putting a mask on and keeping it on. I know I do sometimes :) *squishes*

*cuddles Kat, Heather & Kahlia*

Went for a very long walk with my friend, over 3 hours worth. Totally worth it and beautiful hot sunshine. Walked all the way into shopping centre, around and back :D

Well WoW crashed on me , I'l take it as a sign that I shoulden't play tonight , hmmm what to do , I'm triggered , and it would be so easy to cut , Hmmm
EDIT:- Sorry , that was an insipid post