I'm trying but its such a pain at this season. My nurse never mentions it but I'm not 100% comfortable sitting in the top of the overweight band on the BMI chart *cuddles*

I know how you feel. Except, my husband doesn't even say that. He says "You can work, you'll be fine. Everything will be fine." He doesn't understand. He won't try to get a job. He would rather have me work when I don't even think I can than go out and get a ****ing job himself. He is only getting $339 a month through the state while he "tries to apply for social security" even though he is a lot more capable to work than I am, and that's not even enough to cover our rent completely. And it's getting reduced this next month due to cutbacks, so more money from my financial aid will have to go to pay rent along with our other bills, which means by the end of the semester, we probably won't even be able to afford a roof over our heads, just because he won't go get a job. Not even a part time job. I know he could handle it - hell everyone knows he could handle it. He's just being lazy. And when I was in school full time he would bitch about me not doing a lot around the house to help keep it clean and stuff. But all he does, day in and day out, is play on his damn computer. Because "it's his routine".

I want to leave, now. But I can't. I am already signed up for classes for next semester, and if I don't have classes, I won't get financial aid, and won't have money to live on. I can't handle moving back in with my parents. I love them and all but with my mom being in denial, it makes it so hard to bear even being around her.

I am getting closer and closer to wanting to just follow through with my plans. I'm sick of all of this ****. People tell me "oh it will get better". But, when? My life turned shitty when I was 7 years old. That was 15 years ago. Nothing has gotten better, nor does it show any signs of getting better...

Oh Kitty :( Poor dear. I'm not sure my fiance will let me out of working if I can't cope. He's already nagging I'm not doing well enough in Uni and he needs me there for his parking permit next year and I'm not likely to pass so he keeps telling me I need to put more effort in and push on and do the work and he managed when he had depression. Yeah, his was fixed by a month course of meds to help him sleep. I'm on my 7th month of medication and I'm way worse. Where the hell is my motivation supposed to come from?! >:(

*curls up* Sorry :/

*cuddles* whats wrong Helen?

Yeah...my husband claims to have depression as well. I don't see it. Sure, he has situational depression, but that's really nothing compared to my issues. I mean...I was diagnosed with Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder. I am constantly fighting off flashbacks and panic attacks. I dissociate. Hell sometimes I can't tell the difference between reality and non-reality. Sometimes things happen and when its said and done I'm like...did that really just happen, or was it just me? I can't tell the difference. And asking other people doesn't help because I still feel like it was not real. Sometimes things that aren't real feel so real. I'm sorry...I will just shut up.

-curls up in her corner with her pillows and fuzzy blankies, and eyes the stuff thats next to her, just staring at it blankly-

Not doing too great Sarah. But it's fine.

*snuggles Helen and Kitty* I don't have much more than that right now :(

-snuggles with helen and sarah in her corner- we can be the 3 loons in the magical corner!

*hugs you both* Sounds good to me Kitty x

-hugs helen back- I've rambled and ranted enough for now. Don't really have anything else to say...if I say more, I will just be repeating it...I repeat it over and over in my head. But you guys can ramble and rant and I can listen, and try to offer advice. I'm not promising anything, but at least I can listen...

*cuddles everyone* sorry i wasn't in earlier, work had mandatory training... 3 hours of my day where i could do no work and got farther behind than i started. *sigh*

Sounds perfect. Rebecca has gone from being more my voice to being a gentle whisper. Last night I swore I felt breath in my ear when hearing the whispering. I think I'm losing it.

-hugs crimson- I'm sorry. That sounds really frustrating. :( I hope you can get caught up soon.

-hugs sarah- I somewhat know how you feel...I hear my brothers talk to me everywhere I go. They are gone, but I hear them. I see them in peoples faces. I have completely lost it... but I understand how you feel :(

*hugs Helen, Kitty, and Sarah*

Sorry, I don't have much tonight...

*curls up in the corner*

-spots felicia and waves to her- hi felicia how are you doing?

*cuddles Crimson* I hope you're okay hun

*snuggles Kitty* poor dear :( mines a completely different person who I know isn't real, but she's lovely with me most of the time so I like her. She's gentle and kind and supportive... I shouldn't let my mind continue with this but its so nice I don't want it to end

Edit - Felicia! *squishes* I hope you're okay dear, we're here for you x

-snuggles felicia- it's a magical corner. I don't know how but it is...its magical I guess because there's no limit to how much room there is in the corner...like a marry poppins bag...and pillows and fuzzy blankies too -offers pillows and fuzzy blankies- whats going on hun?

I'm doing ok... Gotta head home though. Then the store or making pizza... *shrugs* I dunno yet.

I'm going to go snuggle up in bed. Night Ward <3 *cuddles* Keep my spot in the corner warm for me and I'll come and hide back there tomorrow after being out x

I know, and I can't completely relate, Sarah, but I can relate somewhat. I have a girl thats not real that nags at me all the time to cut and commit suicide...she wont go away...

That's good to hear that you are doing ok, crimson. When it comes to dinner, I say the simpler the better. -nods-

I need to go get some stuff done, loves, but I will be back in a bit. If you need anything, feel free to PM me. -hugs ward-

Night night Sarah sleep tight.

I guess I'm okay you guys. Just down tonight... and I realized that half my cuts are infected. They're so painful and the itch is maddening. Good god.

But I'm just laying in bed, on here, listening to my roomie play video games whilst I look at stuff on ebay... haha.

I hope you all are doing at least semi okay tonight.

*hugs felicia* wish i could help :(

I'm back everyone -hugs ward-

Felicia, can you go to the doctor to get the infected cuts looked at?

*curls up in the corner* I feel weird. not triggered per say. I don't know exactly, but i have to get over it b/c i have a final tomorrow :-(

-hugs Laura- I hope you do well on your final tomorrow. Just look forward to the break, hun. That always helps me. Do you need to talk? I'm here but I don't think anyone else is on right now. I'm not in the best place, but I can listen. -hugs again-

Good luck tomorrow laura <3

Hey heather - hows you?

Goina bed.. Gotta be up at 5:45 ><

Awww night night sleep tight

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs Sarah*

*Hugs Kitty* Please stay safe hun :S

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Laura* Gooooooooood Luck with your final Laura:)

How are you all?

I'm on my parents lappy, will be back at my flat soon I hope .

-looks up from staring entirely too long into the blankness, into the nothingness, and sees mark and hugs him back-

I...I'm scared. I have these plans. And tools. And nobody around to stop me. And...and I...I dont want to do it...but she says I have to...

-starts biting her hands-

*Super hugs Kitty* Please don't go through with your plans hun :S I , for one would miss you heaps .

Right I must dash , Got to get back to my flat , will be back online 11.30am ish *Hugs*

-hugs mark back, again- I forgot to ask...sorry...how are you?

I am not one that should be missed, for I should have never been alive in the first place. I've got my tools laying next to me. She is telling me that I need to do something...she's giving me 3 choices. She says I can cut, but if so, it has to be bad. She says I can die. And she says I can cut and die. But I have to make my choice, or else... I don't know what the outcome of "or else" is...but I don't think I want to find out...

She won't leave me alone. She just keeps getting louder and louder and louder. She mad...

Ya I dont know what time that is for me. It is 1:42 am here...but if I am still here, I'll see you then.

*sheepishly hugs wardies I have been neglecting* feel like a bit of a stranger in here. Mark you're a legend, haven't caught up on all your news but you are here for everyone, you're a good kind person. What's happening for you?

Few other familiar faces; Helen, Laura, Julie, Nicole. Miss you all heaps. I'm doing pretty **** but looking forward to a few weeks off at Christmas to sleep and sit quietly.

Love and miss you all
JK
xo

*Hugs JK Tons* I'm sorry to hear you're feeling crap JK but it's sooooo nice that you popped in :)

*Hugs Kitty* Don't die Kitty , Try to drown her out , Headphones and music?

Well I'm back at my flat. Back on my computer and a little less anxious but still have that sodding ball of tension in my stomach/lower back , I drank some coffee and some tea and then some more coffee , I should probably stop the caffiene for the day now . I have Group in 2 hours 1 minute which I sometimes enjoy and sometimes don't depends on the topic and who shows up .
DARN Anxiety :S but hey ho , I'll eat some cereal , maybe that will calm me .

*hugs everyone*

*Hugs Nicole* How are you hun?

I just met my new neighbour David , he seems okay.

Ack Ack Ack I'm so so Anxious and triggered , I SO want to cut but I have to leave for group in 30 minutes so don't have the time to.. well take care of any cuts , I want to do it too much , Sorry:( I took a Diaz , Kick in fast please:S

*hugs mark* I'm ok, little bit triggerd, But ok, currently wondering about the 5 mins of really heavy rain we just had which caused all the drains in my street to flood :/ it was amazing, i've never seen such heavy rain.
Please try not to cut mark. You know its not worth it *hugs* I'm sure your group will be ok. Mine was last night, and i was really worried about it. Just gotta try and look at the positives :) Do you have any friends at your group?

Well I cut , not badly at all , I hope it holds me I can still feel some anxiety :S:S:S:S:S:S:S:S:S . I'm Sorry.
I'm Sorry You're triggered Nicole Can you put on some upbeat music ? *Feels like a Hypocrite* , WOW your rain sounds impressive Nicole, We have had medium rain most of the day but I'ts clearing now ,They say it will freeze tonight , I'm worried there will be ice everywhere :S
*Hugs Nicole*

*Feels Broken*
I'm just covered in scars COVERED and I hate them and I did them (Almost) all. I have ruined my body , ruined myself , Ruined my life and I can't stop *Sigh*
I'm sorry .

*hugs mark* oh mark :( I'm sorry you cut, but its ok, its only a slip up. Are you taking care of the cuts? *Also feels like a hypocrite* I am just trying to use distractions at the moment. But still not really feeling like i deserve to keep safe :( *squishes*

*Hugs Nicole Tons* 7 minutes and I've got to go to group , To answer your friends question Nicole , I'm friendly with some of the people in the group and say hi if I run into them in the street but we don't make plans to meet up or anything.
I Have My VERY BEST friend seperatley and she has just moved to the same town as me , I am having coffee with her tomorrow which I am looking forward to , I love her , and am trying to figure out how to tell how she feels about me *sigh* without saying "Do you like me?" and being rejected , I don't think I could take the rejection ,I'm not feeling wonderful recently :S

Oh dear mark :) But i think the group situation is pretty good, It's the same as mine, we are friends, but dont meet up outside group, so if i dont wanna go to group i go to see my friends there, it kinda gives me a reason to go, try and concentrate on that? *hugs* And unfortunatley I have no advice about the other friend, i am useless at relationship stuff, sorry. :(

*hugs Mark* Sorry, I have no advice either.

I'm waiting on the minister coming, she'll be here in an hour. I'm so scared because I don't know what to say and i'm really socially anxious. There are so many little things that worry me.