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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Kittyenna 15-10-2012 10:42 PM

[quote=sapphire hearts;3388173]sleepy - since I'm not sure how your name is spelled, is it ok if I call you Nat? I know this is scary sweetheart. I know. But maybe being admitted would be a good thing, if you feel so unsafe. *safe cuddles* If they think they need to do it, you're obviously not in a safe place right now. Honey, please PM me if you feel bad, ok? I want you to be safe, and since I can't be with you, I need to know if you feel unsafe, ok? xxx[quote]

Nat is fine, most people call me Nat. *curls up and hides*Feel so bad, I need to hurt, but if I do and everyone finds out I won't be able to stay where I'm staying anymore. The urge is getting too strong. OKay, I PM you now if that's okay.. xxx

hellokittymad 15-10-2012 10:44 PM

*curls up in corner next to Nataleigh* myheadsamess

risenfromperdition 16-10-2012 03:16 AM

*sit neks tos*
*hids n shaks*


StardustedSky 16-10-2012 09:21 PM

Curls up in corner with a blanket, otter and my horrible memories and fears, I can't do this anymore everything is cracking, those I confided in don't want anything to do with me and seem to think the only place for me is in a psych hospital but that's just so that they don't have to handle this anymore. I can't do this alone if I loose him I loose everything how can I pretend everything is ok (which is what he needs) when all I can see is how I'll he is. Sorry mind splurg finished :s

sapphire hearts 17-10-2012 03:49 AM

arm swollen, all my fault
uni tomorrow, today, no no no, tutor i blabbed in front of last week and i can't, i don't want to, she knows how bad i am
my head is exploding and i dont want to be this way any more...

risenfromperdition 17-10-2012 04:01 PM

not bad.

sapphire hearts 17-10-2012 05:50 PM

wasnt sposed to tell. told. now she thinks im crazy
knows to much *hides*

risenfromperdition 17-10-2012 06:45 PM

you not crazy sweetie.
you just had lots happen.
good girl for tellin.

Kittyenna 17-10-2012 10:41 PM

Cant do this anymore. have to hide from everyone. then they won't know, won't know I done bad

YodaBearInterrupted 18-10-2012 06:12 AM

Sorry I havent been in here much lately *hugs for all*

*leaves some goodies/treats on the table*

I feel frustrated... and i feel like I keep on failing friends by saying no to things that I should be comfortable saying no to/for... I want to be there for everyone, to help them and make them feel better... but it seems the harder I try, the harder I fall or fall apart in the end. I wish it wasnt this way at all... and I am in the familiar boat of not being able to say anything that is going on with me because its not allowed by the Dark Lord... since his army is so close to my castle... I cant risk the information falling into the wrong hands... gah. I am going to hide in the magical fort with everyone else thats in there... perhaps we can all roast marshmallows together and eat s'mores?

sapphire hearts 18-10-2012 05:00 PM

*hugs everyone*

good plan for s'mores *gets fire going in magic fort**takes the calories out of my ones - sorry, bad ED day*

heather, I'm just so scared :( I have to see her every week and she watches me, and I can't stand that she knows. Feel so stupid.

Matt, you can't help everyone lovely, I know it's hard to remember but you can't *holds up hypocrite banner, but I'm still right*

the fort will keep us safe... I like the fort...

YodaBearInterrupted 18-10-2012 05:14 PM

The start of my day was bad anyway... but it keeps getting worse... I can't bend over backwards enough... I am like thisclose to doing something I shouldn't... but I really want to... actually the worst I have been in a few months. Damn it I hate myself right now a lot and it sucks

Yes, I know sapphire (I forgot your name again XD). But I am so wired to help that I will literally drive myself off the cliff to help others at the risk of myself

YodaBearInterrupted 19-10-2012 12:28 AM

Gah... really about to lose it. I really hate this and myself right now. I don't really have a safe place to direct all my emotions so I am worried I might just do something bad to make it all go away. Doesn't help when my own father decides to be an ass and leave the house for the night to go to W PA where my younger brother is in college and doesn't tell me but sends me a text message telling me to do stuff and fake thanks bull ****ing ****...

Its whatev

sapphire hearts 19-10-2012 12:39 PM

Lol, no worries, it's Katie *offers cuddles* I'm the same to be honest, so I don't have any constructive advice as to how to put yourself before others. Sorry things have been so crap at the moment hun. Come hide in the fort :) we have teddies and pillows and rainbows.

So I'm pretty sure my arm's infected... d'oh! So stupid...

YodaBearInterrupted 19-10-2012 02:42 PM

I will have my invisible ninja penguins guard the fort and protect us :) I like pillows and ranbows :D

Have you gotten your arm checked Katie? You should get to the doctors if it could be/is infected *huggles*

sapphire hearts 20-10-2012 12:11 AM

Invisible ninja penguins are awesome :) Love. There is anything you want in the magic fort xx

If it's not better in a day I'll get it checked. trying to ignore the impulse to cut worse.

I need to be ok, because they're watching, but I need to offer up the blood or more bad things will happen.

YodaBearInterrupted 20-10-2012 04:48 AM

*huggles Katie* Get it checked soon... you dont want it to become too infected. I hope you are doing better and are able to ignore that impulse or I will send the invisible ninja penguins after you :P

sapphire hearts 20-10-2012 02:02 PM

The infection's going down so I think it'll be alright, but I might get the stitches taken out by a doctor instead of doing it myself so someone can check it. The impulse is buried for now - hate to waste the ninja penguins' time when they have such important work to do :p
Hope you're doing ok honey *cuddles Matt*

hellokittymad 20-10-2012 03:24 PM

just goign to sit here and cry, so, safe in here to cry *hides under blankies* I want to put my pyjama's back on so I feel comfy but mum will get mad

sapphire hearts 22-10-2012 12:06 AM

*hugs everyone*

i hate myself. and i deserve to. i know there has never been anyone as despicable as me on this planet. I'm sorry, to the person i PM'd. was so stupid.

im sorry im sorry im sorry

Kittyenna 22-10-2012 10:01 AM

Cant cope anymore :( want it to stop. Am so stupid, just get in the way for everyone. The urges are getting hard to fight. Can't do it anymore *hides*

risenfromperdition 22-10-2012 10:49 PM

katie not bad.
katie nice nice.

*curls up neer katie*
me dus b sleepi. :(

sapphire hearts 24-10-2012 12:41 AM

*cuddles heather* thanx huni
hope u ok
love u :)
so scared now
he coming for me

Kittyenna 27-10-2012 12:38 PM

*curls up* too much can't cope anymore, too many eyes watching

hellokittymad 27-10-2012 12:41 PM

*sits in box* bad

risenfromperdition 28-10-2012 12:54 AM

yous no bad. yous gud.

sapphire hearts 29-10-2012 12:32 AM

I'm at home for a week while the flat's being renovated - don't think I'll make it. Home 30 minutes before brother stormed in and caused an argument with our dad, who then barked at me. I don't think I'll make it - I've been home four hours and I already want to cut myself.

YodaBearInterrupted 02-11-2012 03:16 PM

*hugs all in here*

Sucks right now... I am in a bad place :(

sapphire hearts 02-11-2012 10:44 PM

*hugs Matt* you wanna talk about it sweetie? x

YodaBearInterrupted 03-11-2012 07:58 AM

Its just a conglomerate of things Katie - as i write this at nearly 4 AM XD. I am overwhelmed with emotional and mental pain... i am bending over backwards to help people with stuff and i admit i tell them I expect nothing back in return... and i dont anyway. its not like i am going to anyway since i am just so nice and giving like that. its like you see the cliff ahead and know you should stop and put on the brakes, but you dont and keep on going straight ahead... i have escaped SH but its in the rear view mirror gaining strength and catching up to me quickly... i am being taken advantage of and run over at work by fellow coworkers and no matter what i do i cant please everyone -- i am with the office staff and the politics each side plays is ridiculous -- and i try to play the role of Switzerland -- but its to no avail. My grandparents dont listen to my ideas for how to better run the school (its a private therapeutic day school for ED/LD kids from DC who come to our school for special ed and have IEPs and such)... i basically have no one outside my RYL family ( i consider all of you on here my family lol) to talk to about this stuff because in the past I have been shut down, not listened to, or almost forced to be eval'd because i was in a really really bad place last year... sorry for the rambling... kind of crying as i write this... 26 and crying... yeah what a great guy i am.

sapphire hearts 03-11-2012 11:42 AM

*hugs tight* there's no shame in crying hun - everyone does it, even if they don't admit it. You are a great guy sweetie :)

I'm sorry things have been so rough lately. I'm being a hypocrite, but is there any way you could tell people gently that you have to spend more time taking care of yourself and less time doing things for other people? You are never going to be able to please everyone darling, and expecting yourself to is just setting yourself up for failure. You're expecting yourself to be perfect - maybe so you can blame yourself some more when you fail? I don't know. But it's not healthy for you.

Do you see a counsellor or anyone IRL that you could talk to? I'm always here if you want to PM me or chat, but I know that online support can only go so far at times. RYL feels like family to me too; I guess a lot of us feel like that because our actual families aren't supportive.

Love and massive hugs sweetie - I know it's bad now but you can get through this. I'm always here hun :) xxx

YodaBearInterrupted 06-11-2012 06:07 AM

Its really hard to do that... i feel bad when I cant help others with things and i will take it to heart to do better the next time so that i can help him/her instead of myself. I believe that i dont deserve the help and accolades that people tell me or give me.

I blame myself for the silliest things if I can find a way that it was/could have been my fault. I never understood why... i just do. Its painful yes, but i accept full blame even if its not my fault... i try to be good enough for everyone and when that fails, it must be my fault somehow or someway.

I used to see a psych in the past -- over a year ago. I broke it off with him because we began to struggle and fight over how i was doing and the relegation of control. My greatest fear, which i am sure many on here share, is having to be hospitalized. I have narrowly avoided it twice and i doubt luck would be on my side if it came up a 3rd time.

Its like a vicious circle that I can escape for sometime... but right now i can't... it feels like its getting worse everyday and I am losing control.

The last meeting i had with the psych was over this basically when we fought over how much control i had, if i was a SH risk and stuff like that which led to him raising the potential of HP for a few days so i could "relax and regroup" with a better system in place to help me and I refused and shouted at him... which pretty much ended our session lol. I was recommended for day hospitalization a few years back when I was at college, but my parents refused to allow me to do it thinking i would be better off at home and didnt want that following me in life -- plus the psych wanted to add stipulations if i did go (cause he recognized i was a big escape risk lol as well as i could hide stuff pretty well) -- i was pretty bad off for a few days then.... it sucked -- that was the one time i nearly lost it in the office (on campus) cause he said brb and he was gone for 20 mins and he told me i just fell short of being involuntarily HP'd because i was not an imminent risk. Sucks now VA law has changed to "substantial likelihood" so i am kinda screwed now lol...

YodaBearInterrupted 07-11-2012 07:14 PM

*hides in the magic fort*

Its getting really bad again :(

sapphire hearts 08-11-2012 03:32 PM

*joins Matt in fort and offers safe hugs*
I know the feeling hun. What specifically is getting worse? xx

YodaBearInterrupted 09-11-2012 03:49 PM

Too much drama and backstabbing at work... I am trying to remain neutral and not pick sides but its becoming so difficult to do that. I am basically at wits end and struggling mightily to keep my emotional well-being in check. I am already a lil psychotic, but I know where the boundaries lie - as in when I need to take a walk or leave work for a lil while aka lunch. Put family stuff and friend stuf on top and its a volatile mixture that I am desperately trying to keep control of. I haven't SH'd at all yet, thanks to some remarkable patience I have and Halo 4 lol... but I can't hold on much longer like this without something going wrong or bad happening

Louise 09-11-2012 06:15 PM

hugs everyone

xxjuliexx 11-11-2012 12:46 AM

anyone about

YodaBearInterrupted 11-11-2012 05:06 PM

*hugs Julie* hope that's okay

What's up?

risenfromperdition 12-11-2012 12:29 AM


YodaBearInterrupted 12-11-2012 01:05 AM

What's wrong risen? *hugs*

Mihashi 12-11-2012 05:48 AM

Did I check out of here? No? Good. I need to stay..

*sits down in aluminum chair and stares out the window*

sapphire hearts 13-11-2012 01:54 AM

*checks in forever* think I'm cracking up guys

sapphire hearts 13-11-2012 01:57 AM

I know this site caters to under 16s as well, but I wish the mood list had a option for '****ed'

YodaBearInterrupted 13-11-2012 03:27 AM

*hugs Katie and concrete*

What's wrong Katie?

Would you like a nice warm brownie concrete?

sapphire hearts 13-11-2012 11:57 AM

Very dissociative, can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes before I start to fade. Keep losing time, between a couple of minutes and an entire evening. Flashbacks, body memories, nightmares... Plus after I talked to my tutor about some issues the university thinks I'm cracking up and keep asking if I feel I can complete my junior honours years right now. As if trying to get through seminars without looking like a crazy person wasn't hard enough! Essays all due in at once, everything's just hitting me really hard right now and I don't want to be the crazy girl anymore!

risenfromperdition 13-11-2012 06:16 PM

... did i write that? >.<
literally could of writed it.

sapphire hearts 13-11-2012 08:30 PM

*hugs heather* sorry you're also have a bad day sweetie. hope it gets better xx

hellokittymad 14-11-2012 11:05 AM

*sits in thread, checks in and sits on chair in corner with teddy* head hurts so much and so much work to do that i am findinng so difficult >.<
legislation ='s boring to write about

risenfromperdition 14-11-2012 12:32 PM

*curls up nexta*
B sleepi- n apparenly make owches.
:/ not rememmerin b skarey

sapphire hearts 14-11-2012 01:53 PM

Scratched up my neck and chest during a nightmare last night. Oops. Missed at least half my seminar dissociating today - spoke to my tutor after. Flashbacks in the rain. Feel like I'm losing it. Gonna have a rest now, see if I can ground myself.

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