How are you ian?

i take it the doctor visit didn;t go so well then kitty?

The doctor visit went fine I guess. I told him I think I have schizophrenia but he shot that down. He thinks I have borderline personality disorder but did not officially diagnose me with it or try to prescribe me any meds for it. He did refill my anti-anxiety and anti-depressants (the ones I use as sleeping pills) meds. But I don't know. I don't disagree with the diagnosis of BPD necessarily but I mean what about Amara?...

I'm frustrated because of the idiot I had to talk to on the phone at the tire center. I kept trying to explain to him what I was calling about but he continuously did not understand me. I got so frustrated I had to hand the phone to my husband so he could finish the phone call. I was yelling at the guy by that point.

I'm pissed off at my husband. I was trying to explain what the doctor said. I explained to him that dissociation is part of it but he was like "oh you don't have a problem with dissociation. I mean, if you get in an accident, you don't go around saying 'that's not my car' and that's pretty much what dissociation is." Um yes I do dissociate. Every day, several times a day. And then he started trying to finish my sentences when he had no idea what the **** I was going to say. He thinks he knows me better than I know me. And he WON'T LET ME FINISH MY OWN DAMN SENTENCES!!

Sorry to rant but I am just so pissed off and frustrated right now. I am having horrible urges. And there is no where for me to go to get away.

-curls up and throws a blanket over herself-

Why do I bother? With my husband and his whole family I can show them something or explain something and then they either aren't listening (but they say they are) or they don't actually look... then they complain or ask the dumbest ****ing questions and then they wonder why I get so pissed off when I have to repeat myself till I'm blue in the ****ing face...
/rant

I'm sorry hunny... Is there any kind of insurance you qualify for? even if its public assistance? then maybe you could get a second opinion...?

Oh I am also frustrated because I have no idea what I am going to do about my hospital bill. They want $616 and I was only in the ER for like 15 minutes. Well I was in there longer waiting but I was only seen for like 15 minutes. And I have no means to pay it...there is no way in hell that I can afford it. I can't apply for assistance for it because they want bank statements and I have my financial aid money which to them would look like a lot and I would be able to pay it...the problem is, I have to live off of that financial aid money for 6 months so I can't spend anything extra out of it. If it goes to collections, my credit will go down again. I wish I could rewind to that night and not go.

Oh Kitty I'm sorry things went so badly for you today darling *snuggles*

is there any way you could pay 6 months of rent at once? then you wouldn't have to worry about paying rent and the bank statement wouldn't be so large...

-tosses a protective teddy at crimson to snuggle- I'm sorry. Sounds like you are having similar experiences as me.

And no. Not unless I am pregnant, on disability, or a senior citizen. I'm not on disability and even if I were to apply it would take several months (6 or more) for them to even make a decision on whether or not I would be approved. I am definitely not a senior citizen. I might be pregnant, but I have to wait to take the home pregnancy test, and if it's positive, then I have to go get one done by a doctor and if that's positive then I can apply for medical with the documentation. But if I am pregnant I will have to discontinue my anti-depressants because they have been known to cause problems in pregnancy.

Oh my ****ing god. I asked my husband to do one simple thing...make mac and cheese. He said he can't. I asked him why. He said he can't make fries because the sheet he uses for it is dirty and is holding a bunch of dirty dishes, which he is in the process of washing those dirty dishes, but he can't just wash the sheet real quick to make the fries. WHY me? Why?

What is the ****ing point of me staying alive? Really. That's the question going through my mind. No answers come to mind. Oh wait, one does...the fact that I might be pregnant. But there are so many more reasons to not be alive. Ugh!

Oh Kitty :( I wish I could help

-curls up tighter- Hi Sarah.

And no I can't because my husband is getting a check every month that covers part of the rent. So what is left of the rent is paid out of my financial aid check and that's only $109. But then we have to pay the cell phone bill with my check and we can't get rid of the cell phones because then we wouldn't have any forms of communication and our cell phones are cheaper than landline phones with all the services we get. We can't get rid of the internet because of school and internet through the cell phone is cheaper. But the cell phone bill (which includes 4 phones - it's a family plan) is almost $200 a month...and that's even cheaper than having 4 separate plans. Then we have to put gas in the car to be able to drive around to where we need to go. I could just take the bus for free but it's a 45 minute ride to school and the school is only like a mile and a half from where I live but its up a steep hill so I can't walk to school and when the bus stops at the school it's about a mile away from my classes anyway. We use about $120 for gas per month. If we have to make a trip out of town it's a lot more.

*snuggles the teddy*
I know how it goes to try and get a disability decision... I'm still fighting with the VA to compensate me for all the problems and I've been discharged for almost 9 years now. *rolls eyes*
And yeah sounds about the same as my family... I came up with a list of dinners (some we hadn't tried before) that was with stuff we had and a shortish list of stuff to buy for this month and when I was at the store I was talking to him on the phone and was saying how without the other 3 members of his family living there we could probably make a bunch of them twice with the groceries I was getting (I shop mostly at Sams Club and Costco) and so even though I was using out whole budget up we'd have more than a month of food including lunches, snacks and tons of cereal for the kids and he asked what i knew we could definitely make twice and when I started naming them he goes "what? that sounds weird. do we have to have that?" after i had showed him the list twice before that...

*holds Kitty* I hate the USA for this :( seeing you suffer like this is terrible, just want to scoop you up and take you somewhere worry free and safe

Hmmmm... I dunno what else I could suggest right now but its time for me to get going for home for the night. *cuddles Kitty*

Edit~ ROFLMAO! My sister in law is now grumpy... I refused to answer her question since "I thought everyone knew I hated repeating myself." Her text back was "sigh. Lame."
*dies in a fit of laughter of the inability to breathe*

Night Crimson *snuggles* x

Edit: That is pretty funny :p

Yeah I hate the USA. I wish I could just move to another country...a better country...but that takes a **** ton of money and well we can't afford that. I am starting to think my husband is also in denial about my issues. He swears that I don't dissociate...I think I would know better than him whether I do or not. He treats me like I'm a ****ing idiot. Then he wonders why I get so pissed off at him. Hmmmmmmmmmm I wonder why.

Crimson I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with the VA. My dad had the same problem. He got it sorted just this last year though. I guess it's like the DSHS system - you just have to find the right person to help you and then the process goes pretty quickly. Hope they can settle it for you this year. Night. Would hug ya but am not exactly in a touchy mood right now. But lubbles you. Thank you for listening to me bitch and complain.

Sarah, I wish I knew what to do too. I have looked for assistance everywhere I know of. I just fall between the cracks..

*Hugs Kitty, Crimson and Sarah*

I'm sorry you're having problemts Kitty :( As much as we rant about the US healthcare system, they aren't going to change it any time soon. Sigh. I wish it wasn't that way for you. Google BDP, see if there's anything about Amara there.

Urgh. I'm off to school now to do a psychology mock A-level first thing after 3 hours sleep. I can barely contain the excitement.

Looks like I'm not sleeping tonight.

I think I'm just gonna sit in here then. I need a safe place.

*Hugs Felicia* I had that same problem last night. I'm sorry I can't hang around and keep you company, I have school. But I did some writing, and it didn't help me sleep, but it made the hurt go away. I know you love to write too.

It's alright, Lia. School's important.

I'm actually writing right now. haha. Maybe it'll ease something.

*Hugs Nicole*
*Hugs Helen*
*Hugs Lia*
*Hugs Sarah*
*Hugs Crimson*
*Hugs Laura*
*Hugs Ian*
*Hugs Kitty*
*Hugs Felicia*


I feel Depressed.
I feel alone.
I feel worthless.
I have No reason to feel so bad just Depression and lonelyness .
Struggled to get out of bed despite not being properly asleep. *Sigh* Fed up. Sorry .
I have 3 appointments today which will help fill my afternoon.