^^ *hugs* you no stupid Lexi xxx

Curls up in corner and cuddles into wall

Hugs to everyone

Bad lexy shouldn't, shouldn't no no no! *sobs and rocks*

Lexy not bad, sweetheart promise no bad, text me if you need me you know where i am xxxx

Thank you babe :) <3 xx

My PTSD panic attacks make me very, very stiff... I shake violently still, but I'm holding myself as well, I don't end up kicking or anything. I haven't broken anybody's nose, but I have lashed out and nearly taken out my boyfriend's eye, kneed/elbowed him hard in the stomach, and other such things... but these weren't responses to nightmares, they were responses to my being agitated while awake and his unfortunately making a wrong move :( I'm just thankful he hasn't left me because of all of that :'(

When I'm winding my mind down, I try to go into mind of no mind... when I crochet, the faster and more repetitive the crochet is, the less my mind thinks about everything else, and then the less my mind has to think about crochet... it empties, leaving a kind of automatic nothingness not far from sleep. With the music, I put my headphones on and turn it up and block everything else in the world... for a moment, I can pretend it is just me and yarn and perhaps a cat in my lap or by my feet, and that I've turned into the picture of a smiling old lady doing the same things, content, grandchildren and children upstairs asleep, a husband sleeping in the recliner beside me, and a kitten eying the yarn ball as it rolls across the floor, the room dimly lit by a floorlamp pointed to my work. For a moment, I'm exactly where I want to be.

Whispering siren, I have to admit I ink the same everyday. My fiancée proposed before any of this happened. He is such a loyal guy that I can't help but feel he is sticking by me because of that sense of duty. Regardless I don't understand why he has not done what most guys would and do a runner. I can't stop but feel he deserves better but if I ever feel him this he gets angry and frustrated and says he is happy but I see the pain in his eyes. It sounds like a lovely image you have for your wind down how do you stop dark thoughts and stuff creeping in? Do you get many nightmares? How do you settle afterwards, short of drugging myself or SI I still struggle to vent and let go of the frustrations going round and round in my head but I know it's not healthy but after 3 years on a few hours sleep every night I am just desperate.

*sits down*
Bad bad bad need to hurt, need to get it out, need the pain to stop

SleepyxHead13: you dont need to hurt sweetheart. You're not bad, I promise.

I cannot react normally. To anything. Any person who displays an interest in me I automatically assume wants to hurt me. I want to hurt myself. I'm so confused and scared. I loathe myself.

Thanks sapphire, need to hurt so bad :( if I hurt then he can't hurt me anymore :(

It's okay and understandable to be scared, I'm the same, you not bad, *hugs*

sorry i've not been around katie, but you can message me whenver and i'll try to reply as quick as can.

take care you guys <3

*sits in corner*
im so tired.

my brain feels like its cutting itself and i cant release

midnight-star bad bad bad girl for triggering herself and SI'ing

I can't do this I can't cope it's too much how can I move on when I resent everything that's happened I dispite who I have become I'm just letting the ones I love down I can't keep seeing the hurt in their eyes

Stardust: I can tell you that you can do this and you can cope simply based on the way you are continuously facing the challenges life is giving you. Your thoughts and feelings are valid and, in your position, I would also resent everything that's happened as it took away several vital parts of you including your confidence and your old identity. The ones you love may show hurt because they don't know how to help and they can see how much you have lost, just as you can. Whilst you are grieving so are they, but they are grieving for both themselves and for you. It's possible that some of them feel responsible for what has happened for reasons that we cannot fathom. I know that it is hard, and I'm not asking you to trust me or to believe me, but I know you are continually facing the challenges head on. Where you can't do something or have something you find a workaround. That is part of what will help you to become what you can be. Sorry, I just realised how long that was.

Hi all, if anyone is in here from the last time I was... quite some time ago. But right now I need to talk to somebody. I may be a significant amount of time SI free, but the uneasiness I've been feeling and the restlessness are calling into my mind all sorts of thoughts of SI and suicide. I don't want to die and I don't want to harm, but that seems to be all my mind can think of. I don't know.... I just don't know anymore

*rocks* they want to change my medication, scared

Hugs kahlia, you have no idea how much those lovely words mean to me right now, you too are facing so many challenges just remember i am always here to talk to.

Sleepyhead, I know it must be so scary just now but sometimes it is good. I was terrified when they changed my antipsychotic but it did make a difference once I was back in my routine and on a settled dose. Xxx

Why did I get rid of my tools? I need them now.

Sleepyhead: Sometimes a change in medication can be a good thing. If what you are currently on is not helping or not really helping sometimes a change is necessary. Are you able to discuss your fears with the treating doctor? *safe hugs*

Stardust: I meant every word that I said. *hugs*

Sapphire: Is there anything you can do to help distract you? If you got rid of your tools there may a part of you that thinks/feels you don't need them as much as you did. Getting through the "right now" is never easy but is one of the many challenges we all face. You can make it through without harming, even if you need to play the 30-second game to do so.

This sucks... I hate being played by both sides at the table... and since I was emotionally lost, the Dark Lord came and I wasn't ready and the fight wasn't pretty and I did bad things to make him go away... I don't want to go to work tomorrow but I have to