thats amazing mark well done *bighugs* hope things get better my inbox is always open if you want some support or can add me on facebook. Look after yourself things will get better.

*snuggles dylan*
Hope everyones ok?

love you mark, im on fb if you need. <3.
proud. =]

can someone knock me out please? my jaw and head both hurt, im tired, my leg hurts and i feel crabby.

*hides in the corner*

Thank You Heather :)

*Hugs Faye*

thanks grr at pain today altho i did get a job yay

Yey Sarah!!

stupidest thing ever. i get anti-psychtics to get normal when all it does is just shove everything i have at 1 end of my brain and kills my mental anti-psychotics defense system into a box in a corner somewhere. then i get anti depressant to feel happy about it. wtf is that point of? doctors without borders. what a laugh. doctors without iq.. and on the side of that is a anti-bi-effect to just swish along.

i feel ridiculously badly ill and my brain has no blood left in it for every mother****ing brainsucker out there. i wanna f'ing go do something stupid like vomitting or worse. they are ****ing using me and laughs about it and i can't do anything about it cause if i do they'll just put me on a stronger medicine that has me drooling over nothing.

*crawls in corner* *innaffective* *listens to music* *inaffective* *playing dead in my mind* *inaffective*

nobody takes any responisibilityand i'm left with their shame, anger, hate, guilt, conciousness, life death heaven hell earth wind water air fire ground stone. either i'm gonna slowly tear myself down because of this or am i gonna stay undisputed in beeing dumbfooled and the one that everyone hates and looks down on forever since i have nothing to hold on to anymore.

like no one is around me i just gonna feel deep til i drop. or maybe i need some food. btw 3+ months free of cutting.
mom seems distant - dad came by to look at my computer monitor tv before he left - ppl that comes with medicine have all the blame for this. i dont even get a window of a sigh of future good things to happen.

fear = everything. solution? buy a cat. raise it as a companion. not a pet. hmm. maybe teach it to talk. talk to the cat til i drop fast sleeping. waking up it begging me for food while licking my cheek cause he needs attention.
playing with it for hours.

and hey. found out why i smoke so much = cause i'm afraid that i may want to begin to hurt myself.
some edge thing in my head going on. i'm just writing this incase i get a headache that could possibly kill me for not enough blood in my brain cause of meds.

i'll hide my tainted wrists behind a sour lipgloss'd kiss
&my acid green tears won't interfere
with your oh-so-clever plan to paint the whole world rainbow
but when you get to me; you know
you'll have long run out of rainbow paint
&my favourite hot pink will be too faint
to paint upon me; so just forget me
just paint me black &white
with words that give a vicious bite
&then erase me all away; erase me 'cause i'm your each &every pain
now non-existant; i'm much less a threat
but you'll never know that i was the closest to best friend that you'll ever get.

Thats right mom,
Just keep staring into the t.v,
Hide away from all your problems,
So you don't have to see,

Your familys falling apart,
To fast for your fingertips to catch,
Your sons hooked on drugs,
And your out of weed to match,

You could care less,
If i popped another dex,
That i've cried a hundred tears,
Without you seeing the effects,

You don't even know me,
Your to concerned in your own affairs,
Oblivious to everyone but yourself,
I am the failure your conciensce bares,

Your not even lliving,
To numb to feel the world around,
I am the mistake you made,
The chain to which your bound

Im sorry things are so hard for you hun. they can get better. 3 months is amazing well done you should be super proud. You just havent found the right doctor yet *big hugs* pm anytime x

night dudes and dudettes

good night sleep well x

Today has been a rough day of goodbyes up in my college town. Left me feeling broken. Gonna head to sleep but hugs to everyone!!

*Comes in and finds corner* anybody in?

hey everyone *hands out cookies and margaritas* I'm in Cyprus on holiday at the moment, so not been around as much, the wifi at the hotel costs a bomb :(

I'm actually alright atm, except the random hatred of all the skinny girls in bikinis with their unscarred, unblemished bodies. Really triggering the ED side of me.

I'm learning rudimentary mixology from a barman down the beach, so anyone fancies a virtual cocktail, I'm your girl!

*Hugs everyone*


My depression has gotten somewhat better I suppose. I am just really exhausted because I have been battling with my eating issues once again. Anyway I have been working on my anxiety issues and yesterday I managed to go to the gym even though their were quite a few people there. I just had to keep repeating to myself that I used to be able to do this normally and that it really isn't as big a deal as I make it out to be. I was extremely anxious and uncomfortable, so I managed to make myself stay for 30 minutes but I felt an anxiety attack coming on so I had to get out of there. Still it was a big step for me to go to a place that had a lot of people in it. I doubt that I will be able to do it again so soon but I am trying.

morning.

*settles down for the day*

*hugs all* how are you?

Katie - do you know any nonalcoholic cocktails? I'm not allowed to drink alcohol because of le meds and I don't want to try what would happen if I did.

hey laura
hows you?*hugs*

is it sad that im excited today has been fairly average and im excited by it? just because i havent felt really low all day. This is the first day in like forever.

I don't think it is sad to be excited about feeling good in a long time.

thanks :)

how are you?

I'm up visiting my grandparents on holiday and I have never wanted to disappear more. I'm writing this on my kindle so it will be short. Just witnessed my slightly mentally ill older cousin almost give my 86 year old uncle another stroke by screaming at him about nothing. Also had my grandmother tell me that tattooed people are somehow lesser than those without tattoos. She doesn't know I have a tattoo on my back. Oh and she told every single person she knew while we were out that I am on a diet and when they told me that I am gorgeous and didn't need to be on a diet she stopped them and said - yes she does.

I want to disappear.

I want to cut.