Thanks guys....it means alot because I really struggled with it
Im gonna...curl up over there in that comfy looking corner...
I'll talk to you all tomorrow :)
Night Alexx :)
Think I may follow her lead and head off to bed myself. Night all *hugs* xxx
ok well you'll all get this when you wake up so GOOD MORNING ALL!!! except jeremy, who may be around - in which case, RIGHT HAND YELLOW!! :)
emma, is hope emma is doing ok. it was very brave of her to agree to go to hospital. i think i'd have to be very drunk/drugged up to do that!
i am considering seeing if my counsellor has any cancellations this week. problem is, if i talked about what i wanted to talk about, she would have to tell someone, cos it wold violate the "confidentiality unless serious harm to yourself/others" thingy. argh.
alexx, WELL DONE for not ODing! especially when you had all that crap bout your mum telling your aunty etc. i can't think of much worse than my family finding ot about my problems, so i'm sending you lots of sympathy. *oozes sympathy*
ally, if you appt is today, hope it goes well. you're not flawed, just struggling, like us. but it does NOT detract from who you are as a person!
Chole (please tell me if I've spelled that wrong even though I will be completely mortified... I'd rather be mortified and get it right next time than continue in blissful ignorance but spell your name wrong all the time),
Hun, you should probably try and see if you can get in... And I wouldn't worry too much. Often times I've worried about the reaction I'd get over something I wanted to bring up... And it was never as bad as I had imagined.
Good luck sweetie, trying to get in... *hugs*
chloe. so u were close, lol.
thanks. take care of you too x
Ok, this is me, embarassed :blush:
Sorry :pinch: I'll remember... Duh, it's like how it sounds :eyeroll:
Ugh, my head hurts... Damn cold :-(
*hugs to every1 and leaves some homemade chocolate chip biscuits on the table*
oh and yeah, left foot blue chloe lol...
*Peeps out from under duvet*
*Hugs to all*
Think I've been hiding under here forever. It's nice and safe underhere, away from the world.
*Goes back under duvet*
right hand red
ally, the owner of one my schools used to call me cleo, for years, after being told repeatedly wat my name was. so dont worry :)
jeremy how are you?
Guys, just popping in to see ya guys.
I'm missing you so so so so so so much, 9 days til my internet will be back, can't come quick enough.
I ****ed up so badly last night and now I'm paying for it, hasn't stopping hurting since last night.
I TOLD YOUUUUUU!!!!
Its not ****ing up....its just a slip...
you can come back from it ok?:]
stay strong babydoll ^_^
*leaves hugs for everyone*
I'm well thx's chloe
urself? sorry 4 the late reply :P been busy with uni work
um...green right hand..tangled up yet? i am lol haha
*crash tackles helen softly* wb hon :-) glad to see ur back for a tick..hope ur internet works soon, coz we miss u :P.
*cuddles alexx* hope ur keeping okies there too...
also STAY SAFE ppl...*jem's aura surrounds u with safety*
I wanna spin the twister spinner,...coz im bad at playing twister
LEFT FOOT RED!! :]
Ive just realised...
I havent spoken to my mum since yesterday morning...
Im...alot pissed off at her...
she told me to OD
She didn't?!?!? Good lord, hunni that's awful! I'd be pissed off as well!
Helen luv, *massive hugs* hang in there sweetie, we miss you tons...
Jeremy, lol, you're so weird ;-) *tackles her strange Aussie friend* lol
*yawn* I'm SO tired... Didn't make it to lecture this morning as I had a bugger of a time sleeping last night :pinch:. How much do I suck :eyeroll:... A LOT, ugh, I'm not happy with myself :-(... Don't suppose I could just do absolutely nothing other than lay I bed all day..? Didn't think so... Damn world keeps going even when I don't want to :-(
Anyway, wow, I'm a bit of a downer today I guess
*hugs for anyone that needs it or just wants it*
Take care all
I wish I could help you hun....
I didnt sleep that well last night either ><
But you're doing really well...
personally I would have just stayed in bed and moped :P
yeh she did :/
I was sat...in floods of tears, feeling really down, and she said she really wanted me to be admitted and i explained that they wont admit me yet and she said "unless you do something....like if you went and overdosed...right now... you want to be admitted dont you?"
lol Thanks hun... Haven't got up yet though ;-). But if I miss my Drs appointment, my therapy session, and work I'll be in very hot water to say the least.
Oh good lord. I think I see what she was getting at... But it doesn't make sense and is about the stupidest,most uncaring, irresponsible thing I've ever heard!! You don't OD just to get admitted!! For heaven sake :eyeroll:
*massive snuggles* I'm sorry luv, that's awful :-(
Try not to think about it so much, read a book, listen to music, take a bath and maybe even have a chat with someone on the phone :) at least one of those is bound to help.. I'm sorry ou're feeling so crappy Alexx, wish there was something I could do to make it all better.. If you need a chat just pm me!
Take care xx
ahaha!! Make sure you get up then :P
dont want you to get into trouble!!
I know...she's stupid...:pinch:
she just wants to get rid of me... :/
I don't know that she wants to get rid of you... she's your mother... I DO think that she made an EXTREAMLY insensitive comment *snuggle*
I feel like I've just been proper jumped on :pinch:
some stupid girl started ranting at me in a thread...coz I made a comment...
thing is...other people have said the same thing...but she's ranting at me...
I feel low...it shouldnt make me feel bad...
but it has :(
i was doing well today...
*crawls away and cries*
Hunni, I'm not supriesd you feel rubish after that... I would too... Pay her no mind hun *snuggles*
I hate feeling this ><
I hate being paranoid and depersonalised and derealised and anxious and depressed ><
Make it go away :crying:
*hides in the corner*
Will someone come sit with me?
I'm not safe, I don't know what I'm doing.
My head is full of SI, OD. I don't want to do it, no I do.
I don't know I want to be safe but I want to rid myself of these feelings. Oh I'm a mess.
Tonight is going to be too long.
Is anyone here? I need someone please. I don't want to be alone, it's too scary and unsafe. Please please, come and sit with me.
I can't stop myself, please help me.
*Sits with you*
Stay safe sweety...
Talk to us?
We want you to be safe and I'd hate it if you hurt yourself...
Thank you. I don't know why I feel so bad today. There's nothing in particular to have made me feel so bad but I hate this feeling. i can't keep control and I am struggling.
I'm sorry you're feeling bad...
I wish I had something for you...
*hugs you tight*
i am back from spain, despite the fact that fate did its best to trap me on a plain at London Heathrow where we had a layover and the fact that American Airlines tried to not let me on their plane and then proceeded to destroy my luggage (honestly it looked like somebody slashed it with a knife and one of the handles is ripped off completely and missing - thankfully my clothes are okay)
i am in a comlpete daze though atm and even more out of it thanks to a surreal therapy session..... and tomorrow morning at 7:30am (why why why so early? i mean really come on people can i not have a break here?) is my first group session. hopefully i won't vomit on the other group people out of sheer terror. that is a distinct possibility.
so anyway i am back and i am never ever ever traveling ever again.
it is only thanks to the denial tent that i survived. i swear i just told myself the whole time i was away that i was safe because i wasnt really there and that i was in my safe little tent hiding from the world lol. actually i was in spain and staying in a dirty smelly moldy hostel with 4 strangers who varied from night to night but tended to be men who snored (i got no sleep. and they smelled which made my clothes smell and my hair smell and made me smell. lovely.)
also, i am apparently incapable of operating the turnstiles at the metro in the underground in foreign countries, and i somehow managed to trip and get stuck in the turnstile thingy like my second day in Barcelona and the thing slammed into my legs and i got this huge awful bruise that hurt when i walked for like 3 days and is still there. it's this huge lump and it is like all the colors of the rainbow. and i have another one on the other leg that is black, but at least that one is flat. it's so weird though because at this point they are two weeks old and they still aren't gone. the one with the bump like sticks out so far that you can even see it when i wear jeans and on the plane home my friend i traveled with was touching it and was like "you still have a bump?! it's two weeks old! that's not normal....." lol so i am lumpy and battered and jetlagged but home.
watch out for the turnstiles in the spanish metro system people - they are dangerous and prone to attack!
Squiggles i hope you are doing better now hun. feel free to talk and post any time and pm me if you ever need to.
hugs to you, too, Alexx. i see that you are my RYL twins lil sis so you are also my lil sis by extension ;) *squishes you*
ALYSSSAAAAAA i miss you and i want to know how you are. when i am not completely in a haze (driving to therapy today i made like 3 wrong turns despite the fact that i have a GPS lol) i will write to you and we will catch up
Helen and Emma and Jeremy and Chloe how are you all?
*unpacks the Denial Tent from her suitcase and checks the campfire and starts to make smores and popcorn and hot chocolate*
*pounces and hugs you tight*
I missed youuuuuu!!
Ok...now I'm over that...I can reply properly.
sorry that your holiday had low points!! that majorly sucks but at least you're home now :)
We all missed you looooaaaadddssss!!!
If that bruise doesnt go soon....go get it checked out....(My brother came home with a splinter in his side from Tunisia and didnt even realise!!! silly boy climbing trees :P)
NAUGHTY SPANISH METRO TURNSTILES!!! ><
:O!! I only just realised that hehe (that I'm kinda your little sister by extension :P)
If you've read back...you'll know Helens net is down for the next 8 days...but I'm not sure coz you might be tired...so just to let you know...:]
*Sits you down and gives you hot chocolate and toast while I help unpack and wash your stuff*
There you go...no more smelly-man-smell :]
Im so glad youre back!!*hugs*
*runs to join Alexx in jumping and pouncing on Callie* CCCaaalllliiieeee!!!!! yay! :)
Hot chocolate Emma?:]
Then we can have a big catch up with the AMAZING Callie :)
*cries cause she's SO happy to have her RYL twin back*
Oh I missed you SO much! You are neverneverneverneverneverEVER allowed to leave again... I don't know if I could handle it...
I'm sorry you had such a crap time in Spain. I AM glad you had the denial tent for comfort though...
*helps you unpack also*
Don't mind me... I had an awful therapy session myself... I feel just awful atm :crying: and I've got to go to work in 45 minutes :crying:
It shouldn't have been a big deal... We talked about basically getting through this term, because that's what I need to do, just finish this damn term... The problem is... I don't know what I'm going to do... I can't even see to the end of the term let alone beyond... I am not sure I got my point across well... I told him I didn't care much any more... I don't really care about anything any more... Something died... I don't know what but I can feel it, physically. It was wounded for a long time... After my family found out I cut it killed it, it died.
... I'm mortified that I told him that... That 'It' died... I know it sounds melodramatic, rediculous, impossible, and all that... But it's true...
:crying: I wish I was dead :crying: I'm sorry :crying:
Awww Ally sweetheart!! *holds you tight*
I wish i could help you...
It doesnt sound melodramatic or ridiculous or anything!! I fully understand what you mean and I, and everyone else is always here for you!
Take Care of yourself, you really are doing so well!!
Feel free to PM me anytime...
still can't get over the happy for being here haha
alyssa twiny i can't believe how much i relate to that
had a totally crap therapy myself today and i feel just like you - i just don't see the point anymore
so i propose that we try together to care and think of the future and motivate ourselves. it's always easier when you aren't alone.
awww and i am so sorry to hear about the family finding out drama. i can't imagine what that would feel like, i can't at all. *hugs you*
*dances around with Emma and Alexx* yay thanks for the welcome backs and all the help from everyone unpacking
when i'm nervous i'm a BIT of an overpacker and i was really anxious packing for this trip so yeah it's a lot to unpack..... and mostly i am avoiding it and staring at everything in a huge pile on the floor. do you think that perhaps there are clothes fairies that might put it all away if i wait long enough? *sits and waits and stares at pile*
i didn't know Helen's net was out! hopefully she can get to it at the library or something? ew it's a bit scary how dependent we all are on our comps, isn't it?
CALLIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! HELLO!! sorry your trip had its crappy moments but hey you're back now to join us computer-dependent lot on here lol.
hope it wasn't all bad - any good stories?
i had to look at bodies and stuff today in my anatomy lab. i feel kind of sick.
Chloeeeee!!!!! ew i'm sorry you had to look at dead bodies.... *feels sick for a moment with you just thinking about it*
hmm stories let's see
other than injuring myself accidentally in the turnstile in the metro and having the airline destroy my luggage and try and trap me in Heathrow airport, i can't think of anything at the moment
maybe when i'm not jetlagged and tired and out-of-it i can think of something amusing to tell you all lol
ugh there was the awful hostel, though. it was smelly and moldy. at first i thought it smelled nice and they were always burning this lovely insense and i thought they were just cool hippies or something. then one day the insense burnt out and they took a while to replace it and i discovered that they actually burn the insense because the entire hostel smells like a rotting sewer. also the pillows were completely like deflated and for some reason every single person who checked in that snored they put in our room, i swear. even some of the women i stayed with snored! sleeping when you are in a crappy hostel on a crappy holiday is bad enough but the snoring people was just overkill.
in response to your reply to my thread, im not really sure. i think i'm going downhill, but im kind of scared to tell my counsellor and rant about wat i'd like to rant about, cos she wld feel obliged to tell someone.... :s which wld NOT be good. so yeah. i dunno.
*sits and waits expectantly for you to get over your jetlag so we can hound you for stories*
I'm sorry your hol was crap, never leave us again!! I'm using the college computers atm, sure it's not the best idea but it's gettin me some time with you guys....my net shall be back next tuesday WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Infact I'm pretty suidicial guys, I'm sorry that I'm gonna make y'all worry cus I have no net really and I have no trust in myself.
I have a lesson in 8 minutes time, I'm not sure I'm going, too scared >.<
But I'll probs go =\
Urrrrgh I hate me, life and my cuts >.<
Oh guys, I'm so sorry that I'm so **** in supporting people and not really reading your posts, it's just hard with having limited net until they come to fix ours, it really cannot come quick enough (next tues I mean).
I have a lot of anger bubbling away at the moment and I've took it out badly on me on sunday night, it looks awful and yeah I can't move for it hurting me. But yeah I went a did a little bit more yesterday and now I'm self harming today by not eating- how pathetic? I'm getting pathetic, I mean in the last two weeks (well when it gets to sunday) I'll have OD'd...self harmed badly....not eaten for a long amount of time.....WTF?
I need help and I'm scared to ask for it I think. I STILL haven't made my appointment because I have no phone line and no credit on my mobile. Also I've been offered by Jane (she's so lovely!!) to make that call in college, had planned to do it again, but when I was rushing around panicking cus I couldn't find my hearing aids....I then went downstairs without the letter (got the number I need on it)....and when I do call...WTF do I say?
I'm scared, suidicial, worried, sore....what am I gonna do? I want someone to convince me not to go sit in a road aswell (damm why do people have to give me ideas through telling me what they did =\ and I don't mean on RYL either).
I'm so worried about Emma (lil-princess), she's been in hospital and wants to leave today, and they might be letting her. I can't tell you what's been happening there, because she hasn't said I could or anything...so I have to respect that, but believe me, she NEEDS to be in hospital. So I'm very worried about her!!!
I should be on my way to a lesson now, I'm not going, too scared to go, this is silly, I should go but I wanna stay HERE!
I'm keeping well Callie :-)
I didn't know u were gone..but wb **huge hugs**
Did u get me any pressies lol?
Jess caught me when I was walking at lunch...and made a comment, I pratically ignored it thank god. Erm yeah, I went saw Jane again and told her a lot, spoke for nearly all of lunch. But wanted to tell her how I was feeling, but couldn't quite do it, and now she knows I self harm. Hmmm =\ But anyway I just sent a quick email; (cus my last lesson of the day-and the first really- is gonna begin in 3 minutes)
I've been to see the psychotherapist today as he wanted to finish our conversation. I was really apprehensive and when we entered the room I was just overcome by such anger. I didn't trust myself to speak initially.
He reiterated what he said last time. It didn't sink in, so he repeated himself. It finally sunk in that he wasn't denying that I need help changing. Just that it is not in my best interests to undergo therapy at this specific moment in time. I do agree with him that it would hinder rather than help me at the moment.
Apparently, the likelihood that I will need future intervention is pretty high. He also said that it would probably be in the form of a therapeutic community >.< I'm so freaked out. I don't want to end up in one of these places or to enter any other form of group therapy...
When I came out, my boyfriend asked how the appointment went. I reasoned that honesty is the best policy and so told him about what the therapist. He has been awfully quiet ever since. It's obvious he doesn't want to admit that I need any form of help. I thought that I would be able to talk with him about it in an attempt to calm my mind. What will probs happen is that he'll just avoid the topic.
*hugs everyone in need*
I'm sorry that your holiday was so bad, Callie. At least you are back home now, eh?
Hope everyone is keeping safe and please stay strong x
*hugs Carole* I am sorry things went so....well....not quite great sorta with your psychiatrist. Did he mention how you will know when it is right for you to start therapy? Your boyfriend has probably just reacted like that because he cares and to be honest, it is quite a difficult thing for people who haven't experienced it to comprehend and it is never easy to see how much loved ones are hurting and struggling. Maybe give him a week or so and then gently broach the subject?
Helen, I have texted you and replied to your thread but am sending more hugs your way *hugs* Take care hun and GO TO LESSONS and make the APPOINTMENT xx
Chloe- Could you not tell her some of it, sort of as a test to see how she responds? It may not be as bad as you think? I really don't know sweetie but I am worried about you so please take care. I've gotten used to you being around here lol :)
*hugs Alexx, Jeremy, Squiggles, Ally and Callie* How are you guys doing today?
*hugs Emma back*
No, he didn't say when I will know the right time to enter therapy. He was saying that he hopes I can get through my degree because of the difficulties I could encounter trying to get back on to it if I had to drop out for therapeutic intervention. So, that's what I'm aiming for. I'm going to try to get and complete an Assisstant Psychologist post and (hopefully) a doctorate after that without needing to disturb it all for this treatment.
I'm trying to give my boyfriend time, but I just feel so alone right now. I need someone here with me just to reassure me. To reassure me that everything will be ok...
Helen, please do as Emma's already said and make that appointment.
Sorry I'm not full of support for you all at the moment. My thoughts and good wishes are with you all x
Ok...*takes deep breath*
I woke up this morning....panicky and shakey and low as anything...managed to walk into the doorframe but really enjoyed the pain :pinch:
Then I managed to somehow make it out ater drugging myself up and walking down the street with my eyes CLOSED, repeatedly telling myself I was in the Denial Tent. Got to counselling and she looked at me funny coz I had a massive big thick scarf on (for comfort more than keeping me warm) and my session...was..odd...it doesnt feel like ive ACTUALLY had it...I dont think we got anywhere...
had my lesson..which was crap...
coz id taken so many meds...i was drowsy and kept falling asleep.
Then i got home to find out someone had called for me and i panicked incase it was the team ive been referred to but she called back and now i have to go in at 10am on Friday so i cant make it to my lesson....and the teacher is gonna be well pissed off....:/
im really struggling today....
I dont want to give up this anymore...
I want to carry on doing what im doing...
really I am...
please dont make me stop...
im not ready...
I keep panicking...
*hides and cries*
I just dropped my psychology folder...
everything fell out and i started crying...
Im an idiot.
You aren't an idiot Alexx hun *offers warm hugs and helps you pick up stuff from folder*. I think you do need the help they are offering you and I think it is 'her' that is making you not want it. You deserve a life where you don't wake up feeling like you did today, you don't enjoy the pain of accidents and you aren't so full of emotional pain and distress that dropping something makes that pain spill over and you cry. Your teacher can get stuffed if she/he has a problem with you going. I think you are an amazing and incredibly brave person and eventually you WILL be alright, better than alright if you take the help. Friday is the first step towards that xx
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