I'm going to just sit in here for a bit if okay . . . .

me too, if that's ok Mark (is it ok to call you Mark or should I call you Doikers?)
*wraps a blanket around my shoulders and sinks against the wall quietly*
Thank-you for the hugs Kahlia. I'll store some for later.

Is everyone ok today?

Thanks Annie. Magnetic Island is beautiful and apparently has one of the best sunset views in the world, or so the chick who was trying to pick up my husband says.... Lol, considering he was openly wearing his wedding ring and she didn't really cool down until she learned he was there with his daughter. Cooled down might not be the right term though.... She checked out of her room at 10:00, came back around 14:00 to "collect something" she had left behind and then went into the communal bathroom and took a full shower and stood naked and then with fluorescent underwear on in the corridor smiling at my husband as he walked past. He only saw her because of the colour of the underwear and the fact that she was standing in the walkway. It really cracks me up.

Hey big brother, you know it's always okay to sit here as long as you need. *hugs* I'm always here for you Mark.

Really not feeling all that crash hot but I guess that's life. I won't put everything in here, it'll be on the last page of my support thread for anyone interested.

*leaves brownies, hot chocolates and cookies on the table*

*hugs* and *safe hugs* for anyone who needs/wants them

Thanks Drew. There will always be hugs around here if you want/need them.

That's an excellent resource to have. I'll try to remember that.
Sorry you're feeling unwell

God, as if being 34 years of age and having to use a wheelie walker wasn't bad enough, 2 near falls today mean I'm having to use the wheelchair until I can prove my legs are stable enough for me to use the walker and I can only leave the house in the wheelchair.

I'm sorry, I know there are a lot of people, both younger and older, that are in much worse situations than I am, but I'm really struggling with the dramatic change from fully mobile to using a wheelie walker all because the hospital refused to give me an orthopedic bed and refused to assist when I awoke unable to move both my legs.

Sorry for that everyone, probably TMI..

*Grabs a pillow, blanket and bear and heads into a corner to cry*

I'm really starting to think we need a positive post thread where anyone in Vets can post whatever positive things they can find, just to help us all remember that our lives aren't all negative. I'm happy to create the thread if anyone else thinks it might be a good idea.

Love that idea Kahlia. Not sure I have anything to share yet. But I'll keep an eye out.

I think that's a fab idea Kahlia :)

Yes , I go my Mark , Ribbons , so you can call me Mark if you feel comfy with that :)

So, with two people agreeing with me on this one I have created a thread. I called it the positive post thread as I wanted it to be clear for everyone. Please feel free to read and contribute as you may be surprised by how many positives you can find or by how much you can relate to other people's positive's. The Positive Post Thread

So I have my niece and nephew's birthday party bright and early tomorrow morning at a museum. It's indoor and outdoor and tons of fun. Problem is my son's anxiety meds are out at our pharmacy so no clue when they'll come in. He's already been without all week and has slept 90% of the last 2 days. My knee is alao acting up again and it hurts to walk. PSA: when you hurt your knee, Sven if minor, take it seriously. I wacked it on the couch stepping over something and that was probably 2 months ago.

~Can Someone tell what PSA means please

psa is public service announcement. It's meant to be like.. Information shared with everyone to be helpful or informative.

I'm off for the weekend and I really want to relax but I feel like so much difficult is happening. I haven't slept in a while. My best friend is in the midst of breaking up with someone and needs me. I love them and I want to be there for them but it's like everything happens at once



I feel like I'm laying in a bathtub with the water just covering my ears. The sounds of the room around me are muffled by the water and I'm barely aware of whats happening out there. But then I knock something into the tub right near me and it's this deafening clatter reminding me i can still hear.

I don't know if that makes sense. I'm just sad and stressed and empty and "far away"

Sorry Mark, I wasn't thinking when I abbreviated it. <3

Kat: I know I can't understand exactly what your son is going through but I do know what it's like to be without anxiety medication. I cannot leave the house without taking something or I go into a full blown panic attack, especially if there are people around like a doctor's surgery waiting room or a shopping center. Broken toes are also a pain.... My husband broke his toe in at least three places, since they can't do anything for him he never got it x-rayed, and he keeps banging it on everything. It's amazing how you never realise how many things you bump into when something like a toe is damaged.

Mark: How are you going big brother?

Drew: I can understand the anniversary very well and the emotional blowout it can cause. Thank goodness you aren't working this weekend as you definitely don't need that extra stress right now. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to take time out if you need it. Maybe some techniques to stay in the moment or meditation might help. Even making a list of reasons to live, not to self harm or trying to find a positive. Feel free to visit the positive post thread mentioned above if you can find some positives. From what you've said maybe a "curl up in bed" weekend is just what you need. Obviously I don't know why you haven't been sleeping but sleep may also help you to stay in control instead of everything else controlling you.

Firstly, thanks to everyone who posted in the positive post thread. I'm going to, somehow, put the link in my signature but I am hoping that enough people find it helpful that it will be easy to find instead of getting lost in the long number of forgotten posts.

Yesterday I had almost had two falls, stopped by the handle on my walker, one stopped by a wall and two where I actually did hit the ground. The only reason I'm on the walker today is the access doors need a ramp cover or I'll be stuck either inside the house or outside. Having said that, anytime I leave the house I have to be in the wheelchair because, obviously, my legs are no longer stable enough for us to be sure that I won't fall, especially on long distance walks. That really isn't helping my mood which is already very low and increased the amount of suicidal thoughts and ideas my brain/mind/head is ruminating on. I could really do with some hugs if anyone is around.

*hugs* and *safe hugs* to all

*sends safe hugs to Kahlia if they're still needed*

I don't think I'll be getting sleep anytime soon either. I know I have to take care of myself too but it feels like too many people need me.
Sorry if that wasn't meant for me though, I think it was but I'm not sure.

I know it's been a while since you said it Kahlia but your feelings are valid and okay even if other people have it worse. someone always does. Doesn't mean things don't hurt. it sounds like a really tough adjustment, I'm sorry you have to go through that. Sending extra hugs if you want them.

Thanks Drew. I got myself confused while responding because I'm using my phone and cannot see the actual posts, not to mention that it keeps throwing random words half way through my posts for no apparent reason. I'm really sorry about that response. I really want to thank you for helping me with recognising that my feelings are valid. *hugs*

We just had a doctor's appointment and I realised that I actually nearly fell three times. What I did was count the two almost identical close calls as one. Both times I was luck enough to be blocked by the walker handle. He was also able to give me an answer for why I'm almost completely covered in bruises which was reassuring.

Right now I just want to burst into tears because I feel useless and like I have no value whatsoever. It doesn't matter what I do my independence is becoming less and less and I have to be pushed in the wheelchair because my shoulders dislocate and sublux when I push myself both for long distances or sideways slopes. Why I keep going when it would be so easy to just let go? Man I just need to cry my eyes/heart out.

*hides in a corner to cry*

Drew: I edited the post above. Thanks for pointing it out to me. :-D

In town today for the man's gig. Staying at his parents, along with his nieces. They are nice but I'm all kinds of firetrucked up. Lots of reminders why I shouldn't be here. Also many as to why I can't leave. Not yet.
Just gonna use the post to wrap up the crud and bury it deep. Activate survival mode. Will try to come up with something positive to add to the post before bed.

*Glomps Kahlia I can't really get my head around time difference but I think it's about 1 am with you and I'm hoping you are getting some kip.

*Safe hugs to you Ribbons* In my head Canada must be about 8 hour in the past , I hope you slept/are sleeping well.

No Worries Kathryn *Safe Hugs*

*Safe Hugs Eir* Hope You sleep well too :)

Annie: *safe hugs* It sounds like survival mode is one of the best options with all those reminders flying around in your head. Maybe some mindfulness techniques could be useful.

Mark: *glomps* you right back. As I'm typing this it's 22:43.

My mood is somehow managing to drop even further. I just feel like I can't do anything right. *sigh*

*uses her wheelchair to get to a corner, gets herself out of the chair and sinks into the corner with her head in her hands ready to cry*

Kahlia: That's ok! Technology is sometimes messy like that. I didn't take it personally or anything.
*offers safe hugs to everyone*
I'm 5 hours behind you Mark.
I actually did manage to get more sleep than usual.

Also sorry to post twice in a row.
I don't know if anyone else will like to have this information but I found it helped me feel less bad about having to cry I dont know if anyone has that problem or not but

Crying is like liquid stress coming out of your face because of all the stuff in tears which I thought was really interesting and helped me feel like it was something that had to be done as part of taking care of myself.

anyways. If you wanna talk about it I'm here. Anyone with any of the things.

0040hrs. Miserable time with the child. At least it kept me busy. She's only just settled.
Watching FMA as distraction... Silly episode. But having the desired effect.
Therapist said much the same thing last time I saw her Kahlia.
It's just so exhausting.

Ready to lose it. Party was not fun. One kid made us 45 minutes late. Second one didn't want to stay in the party room. And the littlest one was screaming like a raptor. We lasted maybe an hour. The oldest then puked on the way home. Hubby said I could get out for a few so I ran to the store to get my son new shoes. Two stores were out of his size. I'm done for today. And the next few days too.

Annie: I'm not good with the names of television shows, movies, anime etc but is FMA Full Metal Alchemist? Just asking because that show cracks me up. I'm sorry you had trouble settling the little one but very glad you were able to find a distraction and that it had some effect. I guess your therapist and I were basically saying "do what you have to do to get by" so if you find something helpful, use it.

Kat: That really sounds rough. I know I would have felt like screaming my head off or punching pillows, but you made it through. You are probably exhausted and need some time to just be on your own and do whatever it is that allows you to relax but I realise that's extremely difficult with kids. We're here for you if you need to talk. *safe hugs*

Drew: Please don't ever stress about posting twice in a row. It isn't uncommon for any of us to forget something we wanted to write and post twice. I'm glad you managed to get some sleep, I hope you feel/felt a bit better for it. That's an interesting way to think of tears and crying.

Mark: The whole time zone thing can get pretty crazy. Here we are UTC/GMT+10 with no DST (daylight savings time) which is good in a way because it means we are always 10 hours ahead of Greenwich Mean Time or the Coordinated Universal Time, whichever you'd prefer. But Australia itself ranges from UTC/GMT+8 through to UTC/GMT+11 with DST in 5 states and territories and not in the remaining three. So even within Australia time zones can be really confusing. But that's why they created UTC lol.

This morning hasn't been wonderful although I woke up early but my head is still going round in circles, telling me how useless I am, how much better off everyone else would be if I wasn't here. Some of that is stemming from being in a wheelchair and not being able to do things but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. When you add to that my really low mood and the frustration of not being able to do things under my own steam or, in some cases, at all and you end up with some serious negativity. I hope no one minds me taking up some space and crying my eyes out.

*leaves hot chocolates and cookies on the table*

*hugs* and *safe hugs* for anyone who needs them

Yup, I was talking bout full metal alchemist. It cracks me up most of the time too

Woo hoo!! Let's rock our Full Metal Alchemist lol

Kahlia , I'm sorry your head is going around in circles , Mine does that a lot , it's really hard to stop it *Glomps*

Also , before this thread I'd not heard of Full Metal Alchemist . . . . . . . . . . .

Mark: I'm really sorry to hear that big brother. It's definitely worth watching, and very funny in parts. Thanks.

I really just want to curl up and cry and physically can't. I hate being in the wheelchair and having to use the wheelie walker but I don't have options. Hopefully I'll be walking again after my surgery and rehabilitation are over.

*runs around everywhere because in here I don't need the wheelchair, then drops onto a bed made of pillows*

*Tucks Kahlia in to her Pillow bed* :)

Thanks big brother

My username change was approved and I feel a lot better about talking on here :)

*shares snacks and juice*

All of the snow was gone here but it started yesterday again and hasnt stopped yet. Sometimes it's pretty but mostly it looks like there's no colour left on earth. Hoping it stops soon and melts fast. I feel grey to match.

*leaves hugs for everyone who wants them*

#Hi Drew , How are you ?

Did anyone know Carrie was remade ? Am I the only guy who feel the bullies had it coming, however Sissy Spasek rocks.

I'm tired and sad today. I feel really empty and desperately seeking comfort but everything I usually find comforting feels empty too. I want my personality back. Thank-you for asking. I'm sorry I don't have a nice answer.

I did know it was remade. I saw the new one. very unsettling. The bullies were terrible. :(

How are you Mark?

I'm uber anxious , SW in just over 3 hours .

Hey Drew. Glad you're feeling better after the username change. Sorry to hear you haven't been feeling well. Always here if you need a friendly ear. *safe hugs*

Hiya Mark. Yeah, I wasn't overly impressed with the remake. I'd have to agree with Drew that it was/is unsettling. The bullies definitely had it coming. Hoping the meeting with the SW went well.

So sick of being in a wheelchair. *sigh*

My SW's not been yet but ty :)

When is your back surgery due Kahlia? *Gentle Glomps*

I wasn't sure due to all the time zones. No idea when the back surgery will be, hopefully the referral went through today but I'll have to ring the doctor's surgery and if it has gone that far then I need to ring the hospital in Brisbane and check it has arrived down there. A long process..... *sigh*

I hope it all go's smoothly lil sis :)

Thanks Mark. We do too, obviously, especially since we are unaware of how long surgery and recovery/rehabilitation will take, and even whether they will decide that I'm fine to wait some time or decide that I must be seen right now (so to speak).

My head is in a really bad place right now. I mentioned Jem's death to my step-daughter and now have all sorts of images and thoughts getting comfortable in my brain and just playing out over and over. Sleep is going to be almost impossible tonight and I have to be up early in the morning.

*bangs head against wall*

*disappears into pillow fort*

*leaves safe hugs for all* hope some stuff went well for all of you today.

How are you all today?

Same old same old. How are you Mark?

Hey Drew. Thanks for the hugs.

Mark: You probably don't want to know.

Besides everything in my life sucking, me being in excruciating pain, my mood being so low that they'd need to create a new term for how far done through the earth you would have to go, I'm okay. Both my husband and step-daughter are still asleep and I need another coffee. If they aren't awake by then I'm going to play Avatar on the PS3. I do quite enjoy killing the viperwolves and have actually completed a sector challenge which involved killing 110 of the buggers. They aren't too hard to kill unless you are "lucky" enough to have a pack of four or five attack you at once.

Thankfully the anger I felt earlier has changed itself into self-hatred and disgust which isn't really surprising when I'm incapable of doing anything at all without assistance but obviously most people cannot understand that. Please just give me a break from the pain.

Hey Kahlia,
I hope you're okay Sis . BTW I always wanna know how you are, from very bad to very good , I'd be a bit of a crap big bro if I didn't care :P Love ya :)

Horrible night at work. Just bucket loads of abuse. From people who I'm supposed to cut some slack cos they are cognitively impaired. I've felt crappy all day and I hit the limit and broken down. I desperately want to hurt myself. But I won't. Not at work. Not again.
Full metal rocks. But now want to see brotherhood cos the ending might be better

Sorry to hear that Annie. I'm especially sorry to hear that work tonight has been so rough and that you've broken down. I believe in you and that you can get through work without harming your self. Just managing to go to work when you feel like crap shows a lot of strength. Hmmm.... I think I'll have to look into brotherhood now.

My GP got the referral to a spinal specialist done today while we were there and changed one of my medications. Tomorrow I have to phone that hospital to check that the referral arrived and I need to call my university about possibly deferring both an assignment and an exam depending on what happens with my back. Making phone calls to anyone other than family terrifies me but they have to be done. I also have to text my mother and then call her about her mail just in case there's something really important in there.

Right now I feel really bad about bursting into tears whilst we were in with the GP. I feel absolutely like crap for letting my pain show and now I feel even worse. Please let me disappear.

Kahlia , I have serious problems on the phone too :( *Glomps*

*Offers Safe Hugs to Annie* May I call you Annie?

Thanks Mark. I don't know what it is about phoning people but it scares the living daylights out of me. *sigh*

My life is full of absolute crap right now. My pain level is so high that I should be at a hospital but I don't want to ruin my step-daughters holiday with another night in emergency. If my mood was any lower it would be coming out on the opposite side of the earth. I can't control my DID so my younger alters keep popping out and doing whatever they want and it takes all my strength to rein the buggers back in. Sometimes I really think I should just let them go but I cannot afford the damage that would inevitably cause. My brain tells me that every single person I know, whether IRL or online, really is just pretending to care and really couldn't give a damn that I even exist. It is so difficult not to believe it when my husband and step-daughter have to push me around in my wheelchair and do so much for me because I can't do it for myself. The tears just keep falling and it feels more and more like no one cares.