Awh... what's up, Mark, love? *cuddles lots* And Hels, sweetie, what's going on? *holds you gently and rocks*

I'm meh. At parents' now for awhile - doing laundry, Jarrod's off with my dad target shooting and doing "man stuff" - outdoor work in this case - and I'm also trying (TRYING!!!) to work on my senior sem paper. Total I have 14 pages. I need to have at least - AT LEAST!!!!! - fifteen of writing... which means that I need to add four or so more. :( I have no idea where I'm going to come up with the information I need in the next day... it's due on Monday. I feel like such an ass.

Definitely need to update my dear r/v... :'(

I just feel like ****... hugs/cuddles/snuggles would be welcome... :'(

Updated r/v...

*sighs and hides where no one can find her* :'(

*Hugs April LOTS* I read your R/v thread , I wish I knew the answers too , If you get any ideas pass them on to me ? Thanx for the Cuddles :) I need them.

I.BADLY.WANT.TO.CUT. :( there is a thread in vets support called "so stupid" and I am actually jealous of the cut in it , I have in the past been able to do them like they described but I can't now , can't even do THAT right :( btw it's a triggering post just in case any of you wander off to look at it.

The suicidal ideations are less intense today but they keep coming back and I'm formulating a plan........thats bad isn't it? I hate this depression and I hate myself , it's ruined me .

hey guys. i managed to persuade my mum to let me go to the sleepover, it was really fun, there was just one bit ruined for me, i had flashbacks. bad flashbacks. i could feel him touching me again and i couldnt ground myself i was shaking so violently i fell off the bed and was just shaking and crying on the floor :( they passed after a while though and we watched a film and went to sleep.

*Hugs Nicole* I'm sorry you had flashbacks :(
But it's good that you had a nice time :)

*hugs mark* thankyou, yeah it was a good night overall, walking to tescos at 2.30am! lol. and trying to walk through mcdonalds drive through-they wouldnt serve us! lol

*cuddles everybody lots and lots*

April, you're not stuipd love.
Mark, hope you're trying to keep safe
Nicole, I'm glad you got to go but I'm sorry you had flashbacks. I had them at a friend's house last summer, was pure awful. It got to the point my friend just wouldn't stop holding me. Was cute. Then a few weeks later, I had them at a best friend's, but she managed to settle me a lot easier lol. *sighs*

*curls up*

*cuddles helen* aaw, sorry you've had a similar experience, it really was awful! mine were all crowed around me and i was just laid on the floor shaking and moaning and crying so hard i couldnt even tell them what was wrong, and i screamed everytime one touched me so we just had to wait for it to pass. it was so scary, i've never had anything like that before :(

*cuddles Nicole* They really are awful darling. I think having them in public, well anywhere that's not home or whatever, it's the worst. Not to say having them at home is fun, because it's still **** but least you can comfort yourself more easier, well usually? *cuddles you again*

*cuddles Mark lots more* :) Yes, formulating a plan is a bad thing... please, love, don't do anything "stupid." Suicide is not worth it... you are worth so much more. Don't let yourself get caught in the trap of thinking that your depression has ruined you. It may have GOTTEN you down for a long time but that doesn't mean that you're going to STAY down. *more cuddles* Everything will be okay in the end... you can make it. Keep fighting, keep moving forward - each baby step is progress, even if it's as small as going an hour or a minute without SI'ing or worse - and we'll all be here to cheer you on!! :)

Nicole *cuddles* I'm sorry that you had such awful flashbacks (and Hels, that you've experienced them too)... that sounds horrific. I had a flashback in church once and I had to leave, went out of the sanctuary and just cried and shook. :( But I am glad that you had a nice time and had supportive friends there, etc. Sounds like fun. How'd you get your mum to let you go?

Hels, Laura, Crimson, Hayley, Kahlia, JK, anyone I've missed - how are you all??

I'm so tired... :( I hate being this exhausted. I tried working on my paper, I really really did, but didn't get very far. I HATE THIS!!!! My brain isn't working, I'm so sick of this term, and I have so much I need to be doing. :'( I just want a ****ing break... only 2 more weeks (and that's counting finals!!)...

Just want to sleep my life away... :'(

*hides in shame*

*hugs April* You'll get through this.

*sits and rocks*

*cuddles Helen* You didn't answer my question, love, not really... I take it that things aren't going too well? *holds and rocks with*

I don't know if I will make it, or do as well as I want to. I hate uni so much this semester... thank God only a week more of classes then I'll be done... but I don't know about my summer internship, whether I'll get it or not... which could be a bad thing... :-/

****, I'm so sick of life. :'(

*hugs helen and nicole* im sorry that both of you have had such bad experiences with flashbacks. That sounds really awful.

*hugs april* you can get thru the rest of uni. Your so close!! I'm sorry your so tired. Hopefully after your done with school you'll feel a little better.
I'm having trouble concentrating on uni work right now too. I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now but I am an epic fail at school lately. Very unproductive. I'm just waiting for the semester to be over. Lucky you, you get to graduate!

*hugs mark* please don't act on the suicidal ideation. As april said, things will get better eventually. Depression has not ruined you. You can beat it. It just takes time. Hope you are alright hun.

*cuddles oliver, kahlia, crimson, nicole and JK* How r u guys doing?

I'm so wrapped up in my head lately. It feels ridiculous. But my thoughts are just going around in circles. I started writing letters to ppl last night... Don't worry, i didn't save them. But i'm getting tired of trying to handle things and pretend that i'm okay at the same time. And I know you guys are going to say that its okay to not hide... but I dont really feel like that's an option in my life.

*hugs April* I know I din't. Sorta avoiding it. Not doing so well myself. Really struggling & stuff. Was rocking because was nearly crying at the time about Katie. Meh :/ Anyway, enough about me....I believe in you to get through this sweet. You'll get through the internship too.

*hugs Laura* It is awful =(

I am so ****ing angry.
Just want to scream.

:crying:

R/v updated... again...

:'(

*cuddles April*

*cuddles april* im sry that you are feeling badly again. I know its hard but please try to not act on those types of thoughts. You can make it though this.

*hugs helen* I wish there was something more I could do/say for you other than offer hugs and hope that you are alright. Hang in there.

I'll be fine Laura. I'm always fine. :)

helen- i know thats not true.. i say that im always fine too... it doesnt mean things are okay. *cuddles*