*hugs April* You'll get through this.

*sits and rocks*

*cuddles Helen* You didn't answer my question, love, not really... I take it that things aren't going too well? *holds and rocks with*

I don't know if I will make it, or do as well as I want to. I hate uni so much this semester... thank God only a week more of classes then I'll be done... but I don't know about my summer internship, whether I'll get it or not... which could be a bad thing... :-/

****, I'm so sick of life. :'(

*hugs helen and nicole* im sorry that both of you have had such bad experiences with flashbacks. That sounds really awful.

*hugs april* you can get thru the rest of uni. Your so close!! I'm sorry your so tired. Hopefully after your done with school you'll feel a little better.
I'm having trouble concentrating on uni work right now too. I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now but I am an epic fail at school lately. Very unproductive. I'm just waiting for the semester to be over. Lucky you, you get to graduate!

*hugs mark* please don't act on the suicidal ideation. As april said, things will get better eventually. Depression has not ruined you. You can beat it. It just takes time. Hope you are alright hun.

*cuddles oliver, kahlia, crimson, nicole and JK* How r u guys doing?

I'm so wrapped up in my head lately. It feels ridiculous. But my thoughts are just going around in circles. I started writing letters to ppl last night... Don't worry, i didn't save them. But i'm getting tired of trying to handle things and pretend that i'm okay at the same time. And I know you guys are going to say that its okay to not hide... but I dont really feel like that's an option in my life.

*hugs April* I know I din't. Sorta avoiding it. Not doing so well myself. Really struggling & stuff. Was rocking because was nearly crying at the time about Katie. Meh :/ Anyway, enough about me....I believe in you to get through this sweet. You'll get through the internship too.

*hugs Laura* It is awful =(

I am so ****ing angry.
Just want to scream.

:crying:

R/v updated... again...

:'(

*cuddles April*

*cuddles april* im sry that you are feeling badly again. I know its hard but please try to not act on those types of thoughts. You can make it though this.

*hugs helen* I wish there was something more I could do/say for you other than offer hugs and hope that you are alright. Hang in there.

I'll be fine Laura. I'm always fine. :)

helen- i know thats not true.. i say that im always fine too... it doesnt mean things are okay. *cuddles*

*cuddles Laura*

I freaked out earlier. I was shaking, but i couldnt sit still, so i went outside in the pouring rain, and walked around the block. I probably looked ridiculous. Then i got back to my apartment and felt really angry so i kicked a few things around.. mainly shoes.. (so once again, a ridiculous picture of me beating up my apartment)... Then I opened my window and just stared outside for a few minutes, and then i laid on my bed "playing" with some tools that i didnt even really use. I have no idea what triggered it or anything. It just happened. I guess its good that i wasn't hanging with anyone tonight, it wouldve bee awkward to get like that around other people.

*hugs everyone that is hiding around the ward*

*sits*

*shuffles in and curls up in a blanket*
should have done that i shouldnt

*hugs Oliver*
*tucks Julie up in her blanket* you ok hun?
*hugs April, Laura, Helen, Mark, Kahlia, Nicole, Crimson, Hayley tight*

Waves at everyone and apologises for not being around, I had like a wee holiday from the ward and have had the best weekend in over 7 months. Friends, toddlers, sunshine, good coffee, lots of hugs, being free on my bike,and family. Trying to hold on to this place I'm in as long as I can tbh.

*doesn't move so as not to lose this feeling*

*hugs JK* I'm really pleased for you that you've had such a great weekend.

*sits with Julie* you ok?

Thanks Oliver, how you doing now hun? Looks like you've had a rough time *cuddles*

*shakes head and retreats into the blanket*

*cuddles JK* I'm not good, but hoping today will be good, going on a meet with a LGBT website, so see some people I already know and meet some new people, we're going to a museum and then having a picnic, but at the moment it raining, typical English weather!!

awww, wish I could give you some of our weather today, it was like summer and it does make a difference, at least the museum bit will be good, and it'll be fun to hang out with some peeps that know and accept and love ya. Kind of like us but like in real life. Try have a good time and take an umbrella, or dance in the rain ;)

*shakes head and retreats into the blanket sniffles*

thanks JK, think we may be stealing some of your weather, blue sky is appearing and the sun is starting to shine, yay.

*hugs Julie* whats up?

I spy a Mark *hugs* how are you doing?

*taps my head* cant tell u

Hi Oliver *Hugs* I'm just existing , I really don't know how to feel , does anyone ever get like that . Still Numb and Apathetic . I'm back at my flat tommorow. I have to have bl**d tests because I'm on Lithium and that means showing people new scars :(
I hated being Depressed , it led to suicide attempts .
But,
I hate being so apathetic/numb ,it's led to a half assed suicide atempt earlier this year, it's just constant and my P doc said that it was either numb or depressed basically *Sigh* No "Happy" for me :(

* hugs everyone in the ward and wedges self in a dark corner

*Hugs the rest of the ward*

i sorry i be quite

Julie, sweetie, I been trying to log on since your last post, and failing.

If you can't tell us that's fine, but we do care and we are here for you, OK? *cuddles*

*also cuddles Mark* sorry you're stuggling hun, new scars suck, but its just temporary and part of who we are. Which is sensitive and caring and loving and loyal and that's what makes us awesome too, it just sucks for us sometimes.

ha ha ha, Oliver, would you believe its just started to rain here. Unbelievable, we are very powerful here huh, you and me!

xx

*Hugs Julie* you don't need to be quiet , we are here if you need to talk ok:)

*shakes head* it's stupid no need for me to talk me stupid

*cuddles everyone lots*

JK, glad you had a good weekend.
Oliver, hope you have a good day
Laura, massive cuddles
Julie, you're not stupid & we're here for you x

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry, no individual responses right now. :( I'm in a **** place and am so frustrated with myself. Just want to curl up and let this week go by and not do anything. :'( I HATE MY LIFE.

*hides in shame*

April, you can get through this week, it'll go in a flash. Don't give up at the last hurdle darling. We're all here for you *cuddles tight*

*cuddles Hels back* I know it's the last hurdle, but I can't do it... or so it feels... there's so much to do and so little time to do it and I wanted to make this semester my best ever... and my bestie is going to "outperform" me in terms of grades... I don't care that I have/had things to deal with that she doesn't/didn't... it's just not fair!! :crying:

I'm struggling so much... and life doesn't seem fair at all - well of course, because it ISN'T fair.......... and I just want to cut and cut BADLY. :'(

*hides again* :'(

*Hugs April* 5 more days , you can do this , I have totall faith in you . You shoulden't compare yourself with your best mate , everyone is different , just because she is doing well doesen't mean you are not .

*Hugs JK,Nicole,Oliver,Crimson,Laura,Helen,Kahlia,Julie, and everyone else here *

*hugs all*

Almost shaking with anger now. Was on another forum earlier and made a flippant comment about the shopping centres here not being able to decide when they were going to take the ANZAC day holiday because it was today. And that the fact that they couldn't decide was stupid. And someone blasted the living **** out of me telling me that I should learn more about a countries national holidays before making degrading comments.

It's funny, when you take things out of context, you can make anything sound like whatever you want.

So damn over this life. Just want it all to end.

April, I'm with Mark on this. You shouldn't compare yourself to your best friend. You can do these next five days. I know it seems a lot. Take it hour by hour or minute by minute. But you can do this & think how amazing it'll feel to be finished. *cuddles tight*

Kahlia, don't let the bastards grind you down. Keep going sweet. It can't rain forever *cuddles*

*cuddles Mark* How are YOU doing?

Thinks Helen is right^^ *Hugs*

Thanks Hels && Mark.

Just so damn angry now. Really trying hard not to let it get to me. I even went and made what I had originally said even more clear. But it really irritates me when someone reads something, jumps off the handle, has a go at you and it's all about something that has absolutely no meaning in a forum that's supposed to be a safe place!

Meh. Sorry, I shouldn't rant. I don't think I'm going to get a lot of sleep tonight. It's 11:25 and my brain won't switch off. The damn thing keeps going around in nice depressed circles filled with SI urges and su thoughts.

On a positive note though: I reached my 20 month milestone at 9:00 this morning. Yay me.

*walks around the ward, finds everyone and gives them a hug, takes Puppy SinClair for a walk, and leaves some watermelon, rockmelon, honeydew-melon, lychees and rambutans in a basket on a table*

I am so ****ing angry right now.

I think I need to update my r/v thread... again. It's coming in handy these days when I just seem to be boiling over with rage. I'm NOT smart, I'm NOT doing well in school, and I've run up against a brick wall in terms of my senior sem paper. I have NO idea where to go from here, I just want to cut, and my husband is out of the house right now so I can...

:crying:

I was shaking I was so angry just a little bit ago... now I gotta calm down some... :crying:

Been extremely busy the last few weeks but *hugs all* hope ur all looking after urself. If you haven't....do try and tc of urself there!

*leaves some Orange juice and a few apple danishes*

*hugs Jet* How're you doing? :) Good to see you again.

R/v thread updated... :'(

YAY Kahlia on 20 months, am proud of you :D I'm 2 months free today, you just reminded me LOL. Not that anyone has remembered, well I only told about 3 people in advance. Oh well :P even I didn't remember bahahaahaha.

April, take a break sweetheart & BREATHE!!! You're getting yourself more wound up than necessary *cuddles tight*

I can't focus, I can't stop to breathe, other than posting on here... I want to play WoW or read a fun book, but I have SO MUCH TO DO!!! I have my W&S presentation on Wednesday, and I STILL haven't finished that up yet... I have to do work in the health psych lab with a volunteer that's not being very helpful on Monday and Tuesday during the times that I would normally do homework... I have my senior sem presentation tomorrow but I have to finish my paper for that... and it's not done yet so I can't print off the notes and have that be done and okay... **** **** ****!!!!!!!!! :crying:

Sorry... :o

*hides in shame*

Helen: Thanks, and congratulations for your 2 months. *throws confetti*

Sorry it's not more ... I just don't have the words at the moment I'm afraid. I do have hugs though, so I'll share those.

*group hug*
*hugs everyone*

Thanks Kahlia, you're the only one who's said that.

April, please try breathe sweetheart or it'll seem even harder to get the work done. Try break it down into bits??

thanks for the welcomes a few pages back. sorry it's taken an age to reply, life got in the way, like it does. To who asked, please call me Kat. I can't remember why I felt the need to check in. Too numb to remember.

*hugs kahlia* I stole a hug as I was in the room but quiet, so here's an extra special warm hug back.

y the hell am i still awake

*cuddles Kat & Julie*

thanks mammamia. *hugs back* feeling better already knowing there are people out there

Call me Helen :)

I'm glad you're feeling better already :) *cuddles* We're a friendly bunch. All here for each other, even when we're not up to supporting.

thanks Helen. i hope that i can be of good support too, i'm just feeling a bit too overwhelmed by everything at the moment *snuggles into cuddle*