Why am I being such a fxck up?!
I CANNOT start or hold a relationship....DESPITE the fact that I WANT to....
I'm happy with what we have...but at the same time...I want more.
I'm just...filling in...til some stunning girl comes along really. Then he'll be off.
No that's not true >.<
but it is. In my head anyway.
uhhh.
I don't want to lose him.
Please don't let that happen.
SO pissed off about yesterday.
fxcking TOTM.
Everyone's always like "uuuuh you're gorgeous. Anyone would jump at the chance to date you"
bloody PROVE it then. Coz at the moment...I have all the proof AGAINST that in my mind.
14 months of being single.
Oh yes....because everyone IS jumping at the chance....Jeez.

How can I stop being a mess?
How can I get rid of all the damage that past relationships have caused.
How...can I change...to be something people want...

I dunno how to answer that

But being u is the best thing u can do....it's the only think u can do really.

**me thinks u look lovely and wished u'll find a good man that loves u back the same way**

And dw, i've been single for almost 4-5yrs...and i know it gets lonely but keep searching i suppose. Coz that special someone will pop up one day!

Sorry... I wish I could help... but... I... I have no words. Not even words for myself.... Just found out my mate's mum killed herseslf... Why... why does everything happen at once? Why...

*cries*

notgoingtocutnotgoingtocutnotgoingtocut.

*sigh* :(

*cuddles hana*

How u coping so far? Maybe u ring a counsellor or somebody to talk things over...might help a bit?

Hang in there hon! take care of urself and try not to cut :( although i know it hurts alot..

I'm... empty. I don't know how I feel... Gonna head to uni counsellors and see if I can talk to someone there... but after that... I don't know... I don't want to cut... I can't undo 2 months... but... it's the only thing I know how to do...

I'll let you know when I'm back... thanks.

I'm sorry alexx *cuddles u tightly*

U'll find somebody one day :-) just don't give up...and things will turn out well despite the bad times atm..

*snuggles Alexx, Hana, and Jeremy*

Alexx, hunni, you really are adorable... And I love you dear. I'm sorry you're feeling so crap atm.

Hana, sweetie, I am SO sorry! That is SO hard to deal with luv, and I'm sorry you have to try. Please don't cut hun, please...

Jeremy, you and I are emailing atm. *cuddles her super cool sheep :-D*
----------
*sits in her corner and sobs*
IwanttobedoneIwanttobedoneIwanttobedoneIwanttobedo ne:crying:G*d damn:crying:

*cuddles my bunny* lol

I really need...some form of affection right now.
I knew when i started getting closer to him...that he can blow hot and cold...which is fine because so can i...
but there are things i desperately wanna ask...and dunno how to phrase them....

GRRRRR!okjvoekrnvo4kmnptbjvmnv
*goes into a corner and breaks stuff*
Why do I have to fall for people so fxcking hard?! >.<

Heya everyone :)

I hope everyone is ok, *huggles all round* i'm around if anyone wants to chat just let me know if you do :)

I thought i'd let everyone know i've just posted in the picture board there is pictures of me after my Race For Life in there :) if anyone wants to go have a look your more then welcome. I am soo achy today it's not fair lol i sooo should of taken it easy yesterday.

XXEmzXX

*kisses alexx* lol does that help :P

*jem does a runner to his bed*
Time for me to crash i think, get rid of these bad thoughts *Curses them*

Gnite all..xxx

Ally dear daughter, what time do you get up?
But then I was a slug-a-bed this morning. And I forgot to put a new carton of diet burpsie in the fridge last night so I'm drinking it warm-ish. I'd rather not dilute it with ice. Two nights ago I was short on sleep and I'm still feeling it. I have some caffeine chewing gum, it may come to that.

Otherwise, I'm doing okay. My brother friend phoned this morning. My husband is making jokes.

*cuddles chloe, amanda, ally, alexx, hana" Ally dear I check in here at virtual psych ward before I look at vets support. I'll go there next.

*brings on some rice crisipies, snitches jeremy's marshmallows, makes rice crispie squares*

Last night I mentioned doing the dishes to my husband. Quipped he, correctly I should add, that I usually don't do the dishes until I run out of mixing bowls to eat my cereal out of. Bwat.

Thanks Jeremy and Susan *hugs back*
Night Jeremmmmyyyyyyyy

*hugs Susan*
I'm glad you're not having too bad a morning... apart from being so tired.

I got up and used the bathroom (cause y'all wanted to know that), brushed my teeth, and put my contacts in (when I thought I was going to lectures and work)... Climbed back in to bed, re set the alarm, lay there feeling awful... Emailed my professors and told them I would not be at lecture, massaged my boss and told him I wouldn't be at work, sent a text to a gal in my research group and told her I wouldn't be on campus... And am not planning on getting out of bed again...

G*d I wish I could cry :crying:

You arre crying. You're just doing it with words instead of tears. I know what is like to hurt so bad that you can't cry. I've been there so many times in the last two years!

*cuddles Ally*

*sits in the corner and cries*
Why can't i do this?

I am gonna cry.

*Hugs Alexx and Jo* What's up Jo, what can't you do?

The crisis team have just today stopped seeing me. I feel like everyone believes I'm doing fine when I'm not.

*hugs zowie*

I know the feeling....
everyone is like, "oh you are strong."
and I think, "if you only knew..."

*sighs*

*snuggles everyone*

Zowie, WTF do they think they're doing? :(

and then proceeds to jump around....Alex have we still got that birthdy cake for DOGS?

Only Charlie is two today ;)

Hope everyone is doing okay xxx

Exactly. I tell them all the awful things Beth tells me to do and they say 'oh you're so strong for resisting' but they don't seem to believe me when I say I'm sooo close to doing those things. They just think that because I haven't already done it, I'm not going to.

WTF?!?! thats whack...considering I ASKED to be discharged today and got refused!!!

I'm sorry Zowie....maybe you could go to MY sessions instead?
*huggles*

Helennnnnnnn *produces one birthday cake for Charlie and gives him and Millie a party hat*
Maybe when Jess gets here...she can bring HER dog (also called Milly....but spelt different ;p)
Then again...she might not get here...coz I'm a **** friend :/
*continues to blow up balloons for the doggeh party*

This, life, whatever it is people want me to be getting on with. i just feel so empty

Zowie if you still need their help can you call them? i so know that feeling when everyone thinks you're ok and inside you're falling apart. *hugs*

I feel like I need a crisis team right about now...

Hello..?
*sighs and sits in her corner feeling invisible*

I'm sorry everyones doing so bad, Jo, Zowie, Alexx, Amanda...*hugs*

But they just don't seem to listen. They just tell me to have a bath or read a book, they don't help. For that reason I don't care that they've stopped seeing me, but now that they've stopped seeing me I feel pretty sure another hospital admission is around the corner.

*Hugs forever_lost* What's up hun? xx

You are not invisible forever lost
*hugs*

Ally swweeeetttheartt!!!
*goes and takes her big sis a slice of cake*
would you like some?
and a cuddle and chat?

GAH!! I HATED THAT!!

"Hello Crisis Team..."
"Hey..my names Alexx...I need help...I'm so depressed that I can't sleep...I'm considering doing something silly"
"Well get a hot milky drink and go to bed."

coz that was gonna help me :/

*snuggles Akexx*

*breaks down*

No. I'm not crying.
See -------------> :-D

*hugs all back*
I'm sorry for whining all but I've written and written and written and I think two people have said something... Not really addressing what I've wrote.*shrug*
From last nights getting blown of by an instructor who said (in reference to my depression) 'you'll be fine you've got a resilient personality' to this mornings feeling so awful I emailed,texted and called everyone I had a responsibility to today and said I wouldn't be on campus (going out) today...

Now it all seems stupid but...

Goddess I want to die

*snuggles Alexx, Zowie and Amanda*

i hate when people do that *hugs*

hey
im new 2 this kinda thing...
but i just wanted 2 say i TOTALLY agree about the crisis teams.

"S**t, I can't stop myself any more!"
"Well, go and get a nice hot drink and settle down. Call us in the morning if you're still feeling the same."

They don't seem to understand...we might not be here tomorrow!

Hi Onurbual... i haven't seen you around before... WELCOME!!!

Hiya Alice(?) Welcome Muchly to the Psych ward :]

You know what I reckon?
The doctors stand on the streets and go
"oi you! *grabs a random stranger* you have a brain cell....come join the Crisis Team :-D"
"erm...ok?"

lol Alexx

Hahaha, I'm glad everyone agrees about the crisis team. I'm not glad that that means no one is really getting the help they need.
I feel really sick today, had to take the day off work. I don't know what's brought it on. Anxiety I think.

*cuddles Zowie* sorry to hear that hun

I just realised today marks one month since I last hurt myself.
Not because I'm trying to quit, but because I have to wear a short sleeved shirt at work.

It's really hard.

*Takes a bow* I might not have very good advice....But I will be the Denial Tents very own stand up comedian and make you all giggle :)#

True we might not have support from the Crisis Team...but we have each other and everyone else on RYL...
Sorry to hear you're feeling poorly :(

I know it's hard....but you're doing so incredibly well!!

*pokes her head out from under her blanket*
Hi Alice, welcome.

Hmmm, glad I don't live there now... If I said that stuff I'd be locked up before I had a chance to blink... Hmmm, on second thought maybe I DO wish I lived there...

Halloooo again sweetheart :]
I wish I had some advice for you :(
You wanna talk about anything in particular that has happened?

Whether it's because you are trying to stop or because of a work dress code it's still great Zowie! You've made it a month and that is SO hard.

Hello again Alexx. Thanks but I'm not sure there's much to talk about. I felt awful, lastnights fiasco happened and made it all worse and I've only gotten up twice today, once to eat even though I'm not hungry I know I should... Woo-hoo I'll just keep getting fat

Oh darling!!! you wont get fat :(
I wish there was something i could do to take it all away...
you really dont deserve all this and im sorry you have to deal with it.
*snuggles you and wraps you in a blanket*