I just hate her Heather, I've always hated her. She's even more pathetic and weak than I am- and that's saying something. I don't even know why I hate her or myself so much. I just do and I want to be rid of us.

*hugs Heather* Thanks

*hugs Mark* I'm at the point where I'm not even lying to my parents, I used to always tell them I'm fine even when I'm not... so, no. I'm not going to snap though. Not now. Although it's tempting, I just researched the new medication my psych put me on, only to find out it's an antipsychotic, which is only making me feel worse... thinking that I'm crazy and whatnot. It just really sucks atm. Hope you have a good night's sleep and feel better in the morning <33 Sorry I wasn't around to offer much more help :(

*hugs Lia* Try to stay safe hun... hard to do, I know. But you're too strong to give in <3

Lots of posts since my last one (well kind of lots - not 8 pages worth but enough to make my head ache if I tried to respond to all of them!!)... but I'll try to reply to a few. Sorry to the rest if I "ignore" you - really am not ignoring you, just don't have the energy to reply. :(

Taz, sweetie, APs are used for many other purposes than just to quench psychoses. E.g., mood stabilization. Some are seizure medications that were found to work as APs but also work as what they were intended for as well as mood stabilizers. I would try not to let a med you're taking make you feel even crazier, especially if you're one of "the lucky ones" to never have had psychosis issues (I am not of that group and while my experiences with psychoses have taught me how to empathize etc., they've also scared me half to death). However, dunno if you've ever been psychotic or not and you don't have to say if you don't want to. I am inferring from your post though that you haven't been... and good if you haven't. It's a scary place to be where you're doubting reality. Anyway. Just wanted to point that out. *gentle hugs* I'm glad that you're not going to "snap and off yourself" and I'm also glad that you're not lying to your parents anymore. Is there anything we can do to help you stabilize a bit more??

Lia, I have that little girl inside too... and I kind of hate her for being so weak too... she's five years old... and, well, my therapist told me to go to the elementary school when school is getting out and look for the smallest kids. "Those are the five year olds," she said to me, gently. "Do you really expect them to be strong and self-reliant at that age?" because the issue was with me thinking that my five year old should've been stronger and more self-reliant when she was really five. I hope I'm making sense. Little kids are... well, really little. And they ARE weak - well, at least, not as strong as we are now, or can be. I wouldn't exactly look at that as being weak though. Am I making ANY sense at all? because to me I'm just sounding off-the-wall and kind of bats. >_< (Oh, and I spy you!! *glomps*)

Mark, sleep well... hope you have an okay day tomorrow at your parents'. :) *tucks you into your ward bed* Hehe.

Damn I am so anxious. I think I need to update my r/v because 1) it's been awhile and 2) I have some ranting I really need to do. :( Things have not been great around here the past week and I really need to just get stuff off my chest. I'll come back here when I've updated it...

*cuddles all*

Yes April, that does make sense and I know where you are coming from. I would never, ever think any of my Brownies are to blame for anything that might happen to them as a child, or ever for that matter. They are young and innocent and not capable of stopping anything, but that doesn't stop me hating myself. I don't even know why. I just hate this person inside of me and I want to be rid of her and myself, the only way I can think to do that is suicide, but I don't want to die. Not really.

Updated my r/v. It's really long and may be ED trig but I don't know. I don't think so but my brain's not working well today despite my having the most food I've had in a long time today. :-/ Am stupidly worried about my weigh-in tomorrow morning (self enforced).

Lia, I'm glad that you don't want to die. Please stay that way. :) Wanting to die, as you know, is NOT a good place to be... Also, I'm glad that I made sense. Sorry if it is unclear to anyone else or makes me sound battier than usual. Heh. Also, you are not a bitch. I am pretty sure that it would come across in your writing if you were - a person can't hide him- or herself quite that well I don't think, even if s/he is the best (at hiding/pretense, I mean). So I don't believe you. :) You're a sweet, kind, caring person. *gentle hugs*

Hey everyone,
I can't respond individually cause A. I feel overwhelmed again B. I'm technically doing my laundry and C. I'm supposed to be working on News Reporting or reading Chaucer (In MIDDLE ENGLISH! Gah!)
Anyway... If any of you wanted to read my Creative Writing assignment, it's in the creativity forum, if you would like to help me come up with a title, feel free to do so!
Also, I went to a birthday party and ate a cupcake, so now I feel like **** and will go exercise once my laundry is done.

Just me on my own. I have the pills still, but I don't think I will use them. I did cut though. Worst than I've done in a long time, but it feels good. When I first saw what I had done, I thought 'you stupid cow', but now I'm satisfied. I feel I did it 'properly' as you may put it, not the pathetic stuff I normally do. I can move on now. I am punsihed.

*Spies Oliver* How was it today?

*hugs every wardie old and new*

Katie - *glomps* Nice to see you again!! Have missed you. And a belated happy birthday. How are you doing?

Sorry to hear that so many of us are struggling right at the moment. I wish there was a magickal cure for all of us that would make all our issues and problems go away and take all those self-hate thoughts and feelings and turn them into self-love. I also wish I could make the "bad" urges (SI, ED, SU) just disappear into the sunset. :-(

Oh ****.

They know. My parents KNOW.

About all the SA.

My sister told them last night figuring that I would want her to tell them. And I came damn close to asking her tonight to do that. But I didn't, not quite. I even told my sister details, ****ing trusting her.

I want to scream "****" as loud as I can. But I can't. Not in the apartment complex.

I am so angry. So ****ing angry.

:crying:

*hugs April* I'm sorry to hear that.

*hugs Kahlia, Reaper, Luke, JK, Heather,Lia, Taz, Felicia, Mark and all the other wardies*

My day was mostly really good, marching in the parade was awesome, just having everyone cheer and clap and accept you was such a good feeling, although the young people's prom was good, I had a panic attack and was really anxious and depressed throughout so didn't really enjoy it too much.
here are a few pics from today.







I have also made a thread in the photo board which has more photos, but thought I would put a few in here

*curls up in the darkest corner in the warren and screams, then curls up tighter and cries softly*

*offers safe cuddles to april* <3 sorry your sister told them when you didnt necessarily want her to <3

oliver- you're fit ^.^ but glad you had a good time even if you were anxious and depressed =[

*leaves teddies and cuddles in various corners so people can get to easily*

Oliver, I love your pics!

*hugs everyone* It's 10:30 and I'm heading to bed, hoping to feel safer in the morning.

*Hugs April* I know what it's like to have this happen. My best friend came on her and found out about my suicidal urges, that I am still sel harming and about my mum. I didn't want her to know, I didn't ever want anyone to know. So I can understand how you're feeling, I was scared and angry. So much. I would tell you that she was doing it for the best, that she thought you would want it because that's why my friend did what she did but at that time I didn't want to hear it and only took is as people taking her side.

In a way though, aren't you somewhat relieved? You said you were close to asking to her to tell your parents, and now they know and the telling them is over and you never have to tell them again. Although, this was little comfort to me because I never planned to in the first place, but a part of you wanted them to know.

I understand the beytrayal though. That you trusted someone and they did this. Don't stop trusting people though please. I know only too well where that leads you, what happens to you. At least keep on trusting us on here.

How do you think your parents will take it? You can PM me any time you like. *Rib crushing hugs.*

xx

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Oliver* It looks like you had a fun time :)

*Hugs April* I'm sorry your sister told your parents without you consent*Hugs Again*

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Kahlia*

*Hugs Taz*

Hey Mark *hugs* How are you today?

Off to a christening now. I'll be back on later.

*Hugs to all who want them*

xx

Wow, I can do this on my phone. The joys. X

*Hugs Lia* Hey :) I'm waking up , 2nd coffee is brewing heh , I'm up , Have to go pay my utility bills and get some food then off to my parents, hopefully S.I. free today . Enjoy the Christening :)

Wow , Technology eh !

How are you Lia? Sorry if you already said :S