*hugs laurafriend* haha i cant believe that you are a laura m too..
Sorry things are rough between you are ur friend right now.

*cuddles april* yes getting paid is always good lol, even if it is tiresome. I think i would get frustrated if i tutored people. And i def understand about anxiety, it really really really sucks. Can you maybe try to explain to ur therapist how u feel about school and whatnot?

*hugs vicki*

*hugs heather* I understand what you mean about wanting to be better but also being scared to. It makes me feel so torn.

Got all the paperwork done for my new job. (So nervous about it btw). Im the new web editor for one of the labs on campus. I want to be a web designer for a career if i ever make it that far.. so this seems to be a good first step. Its funny how well adjusted and happy i can seem about thing on the outside. My friend told me the other day that when he was upset he thought he was covering it up well but several ppl commented that he looked down. He wondered how i did it (he knows about some of my issues). I told him years of practice heh. I tried to make it a joke..

My boyfriend is also trying to push me to get more involved and do more so that i can get into the grad school i want. But he isnt doing it in a way that is helping. He keeps embarrassing me infront of our friends. He keeps saying things like "you dont try hard enough" and whatever.. but its kinda like, im already insecure about my major in front of our friends b/c they are all engineers and think that they have to try harder then anyone ever... i really dont need him making me feel even more stupid. I told him this today. He says he was just trying to push me and that hes sorry it upset me, but he really doesnt understand why im upset about it. I love him, but sometimes it really sucks that he cant understand the way my mind works, even though ive tried to explain over and over again.

LauraStar *cuddles* That job sounds cool, but I don't blame you for being nervous - it is a new job, after all - I don't think that anyone, or many people, go to new jobs without being at least a little nervous. :) But I'm sure you will do fine!! It will definitely be a good experience for your future job.

I'm sorry that your bf isn't being very helpful. :( My husband pushes me sometimes but backs off when/if I tell him that that's not what I need from him atm. I don't think that guys can really and truly understand how we females think (we're complicated!! lol) unless you're together for years (i.e., married for 50+ years). Then they might get an inkling. Haha. My husband is still mystified about how I think sometimes, or by things I say, etc... it's rather funny actually. :P

I'm feeling okayish tonight... really exhausted though but it's Friday night, woohoo!!! Tomorrow will be homework day but at least I have a break from classes. You know, I really prefer having all of my classes on T/Th. That way I have a break from classes... this term's schedule I don't get any breaks. :( Really, anyway. Grrrrr.

I'm listening to Natalie Grant right now... not my absolute favorite kind of music, but it's got a good God-message in it. :) And I need to hear that more frequently than I do. It's kind of pop music, and I'm usually into more the hard rock/goth rock music, I dunno.

*wants to go to bed*

i like natalie grant's lyrics, but no so much the songs themselves lol

on wed's when term starts up... i have class from 10:20-5 :/ [i actually didnt plan that... sod's law that it'd be when im actually CONSIDERING eating normally >.>] and til 2 on m/f... but the dining hall stops serving proper lunch stuff at 2. SO i'll be having salads and sandwiches every mwf... hell if i know how im eating lunch on weds... which im kinda glad bout but i do wanna get better i think so i kinda not glad bout it but UGH.

(y)

Boo I got back 20 minutes ago. Am shattered. Will hopefully sleep tonight, have to be up in like 9 hours or so >_>

*cuddles Helen* Back from where, love? and I do hope that you got some sleep last night as I noticed that there were no posts since last night. How're you feeling this morning? & how are your best friends doing?

*hugs Heather* I understand the eating dilemma... but here it's okay for me to eat in class - so maybe there too? As long as it's something quiet (like a sandwich) and not something like chips or anything in noisy packaging. I hope that you figure something out... I had a term like that last semester, can't remember now exactly how it went but it was 5 75-minute classes on T/Th with no breaks in between, starting at 10 I think & finishing at 5:15... so yeah. :( It sucked, but it was nice having MWF just to myself & tutoring. :)

*cuddles everyone else*

I'm kind of meh this morning. Have a lot of work to do. Took the Beck Depression Inventory a few days ago - have taken it for several classes but this score was the worst, got a 49 on it and anything over 40 points indicates "extreme depression." Yurghhh. I don't want to report that to my prof. I also got a 415 on a stress scale & anything over 300 means that you're likely to develop stress-related physical problems. Oh joy. (This is all for health psych.) But the 49 on the BDI is the highest I've ever gotten... I think the highest before that was 41, and that was last term in Theories of Personality (where my prof told me to consider anxiety/depression as PART of my personality - i.e., they are permanent & can't/won't be changed :-(). ARGH!!!

I think I will go on WoW for awhile after checking up on other threads here... need the escape before breakfast & the real world. :(

Wow we had a quieter night :D

When I said I was back, I meant from my sister's. We travelled up north last night to suprise her at her birthday meal :D It's her birthday today and she was supossed to be going out in the evening. So we went last night. I definately got sleep. Took me til 4am, but can't complain too much. Got a bad headache though :( Got to go out again in a bit to a meet aha!! Emotionally doing good still I think, will probably crash tonight :P My best friends, well J's doing really well :) G, not so well, her and her daughter aren't very well =(

Can today just be over please???
my mam and dad dont even realise what day it is
He's been gona a year
WHY WHY WHY

*hugs Rainbow* I'm sorry todays such a difficult day. Is there anything you can do to make it easier? Would you like to talk about it? x x x

thank you for all the hugs and stuff

*hugs everyone*

I'm so tired. i hardly slept last night for stupid STUPID reasons. i am an idiot and i need to be kept away from certain people until i learn to not give them what they want all the time when i know it'll hurt me more.

*collapses in a heap to sleep*

curls up in ball and crys, stuiped people.

*holds those who are struggling especially much*
*cuddles to everyone*

Rainbow, sorry it's such a tough day for you... is there anything we can do to make it any better? even just a smidgen?

LauraFriend, I'm sorry that you had a bad night. :( I hope you get some good rest today/tonight... ♥

Jill, what's up, love?

Meh. Just had a talk with Vince (personal trainer/friend from WoW that we visited in early January) and he said to call him or another friend before I cut next time. I'm not sure if I will actually do it... I don't know, I hate bothering people, but... it's probably a good idea - especially if my NP and/or therapist aren't responding. :-X

So tired. It's been a busy morning... went out for breakfast then did laundry, came home, and I did a bit of schoolwork. Did some at the laundromat as well. I don't have a tonnn that I have to do by Monday, but I do have some... so I really best get cracking on that. Only problem is, it's a confusing assignment. :-X

:crying:

thanks guys - my grandpa has been dead a year now - and they promised it would get easier it doesnt - it really doesnt - then to top it all off i have a funeral next friday for a 22 year guy that i was friends with like 15 years ago - but i still have to go and i cant i jsut want to leave and go away and not feel pain anymore.........................


*curls in a ball in the corner*
Just throw a blanket over me - i'll dissappear to work soon

one of my freinds have been feeding me bull*hit storys, and like a muppet i belive them. im struggling the past week, being wanting to hurt myself badly. and now i got let down badly by someone else. i have enough now. just want to curl up and dissapear. =[

*crawls into tent and curls up*

*Pulls everybody into the tent so we can all cry together*

*curls up next to Vicki & lets herself cry for the first time in awhile*

*Holds April while she cries and offers to listen if she needs...*

Wish I could cry. I feel happy but I bloody want to cry.

Thanks Vicki... *hugs* Things are just rubbish now between my ears, want to purge & cut but can't do either, don't know what to do about schoolwork, feel overwhelmed, just want to give in... :(

*cuddles Helen* I understand that feeling... well, as well as you can understand any peculiar mix of feelings. You can cry here if you need... or talk... we're here to listen. :)