Well I was told a while ago that the sessins would end but I didn't know until the end of todays that today would be it. The explanation being that she has a long waiting list which I suppose is fair enough.
I feel a bit numb :( my social worker is coming later I don't know what to say to him , it stresses me out not knowing what to say.

Mark: *big hugs* Wow, that's a rather abrupt way to end a series of sessions, regardless of their number. From what you wrote I'm guessing you weren't aware it was your last? It's alot more normal to say "we have x sessions left" so that both you and the tdoc can get through the necessary closure stuff (both the cognitive and emotional). Sorry got a bit wordy there.

Helen: *offers you a cuddle and sits with you* I'm glad you had no nightmares. I'm also glad your friend is showing signs of improvement. I know that from where you are right now you probably won't believe this my dear, but you do deserve good things. And that includes the love and support of your RYL family and friends.

April: Yeah, the exercise was good. I didn't really get tired. A couple of times my legs threatened to give out on me. The biggest issue was with going to the store and having to carry the groceries home. The check-out-chick put all the heavies in one bag while talking to the person who had been in the line before me, and had then tied it off. I couldn't open the bag and struggled to put my hand in, which made it harder on my poor L hand - the only one that can carry anything heavy. As to the ED, I'm technically in "recovery" from AN.

Wow that still sucks Mark. *cuddles*

*cuddles Kahlia* Thanks. I don't understand how I feel. Feel so low I think. Just want someone to take care of me :'( But it doesn't matter. I'll be fine. I want a lot of things I can't have right now. **** this. **** it all :'(

Helen: *cuddles you gently* It's okay sweetness. You are right, you will be fine. But you've got to be able to cut yourself some slack when you aren't 100%. Don't stress yourself about not being able to understand how you feel. Maybe just write down a couple of words. Don't worry if they aren't perfect. Just a couple of words every time you happen to think of them. Something to describe how you are in the moment. I don't know, I'm not a tdoc. But if you don't understand or can't really explain it could just mean that there is a lot going on inside you. Maybe a lot of conflicted emotions.

*cuddles Kahlia* I think I've reached the point I didn't want to go. But properly. We'll see.

Gahh I still feel like ****, even though I curled up in bed for awhile. Talked with Vince (personal trainer & close friend, our WoW GM that we met in January :D) for awhile after texting him a slightly worrisome message... I dunno, I just don't want to be here anymore and that's basically what I told him. :( He said that I'm a wonderful person blah blah but that's SO HARD TO BELIEVE. :'(

I just want to give up... :'(

*Hugs April*Vince is right , you ARE a lovley person , I wish you could beleive that .I beleive it of you.

*cuddles april* you are a wonderful person! Its good that ur talking to people. Im sorry that your friends upset you.. I dont think it was very nice for the one to try to play a trick on you.

*gently hugs helen* Im sorry your not doing well hun.

*hugs kahlia, mark, JK, crimson, oliver, and anything else that is around* how is everyone doing?

Sorry that I didnt do many individual replies, Im kinda in a hurry this morning... class and then lunch with one of my friends... which will prolly turn into a vent session about all the f***kin drama out here. I feel like im back in high school with how ppl are acting. Anyway, I messages one of my friends and told him I needed to talk to him... as of right now i am hoping that i am able to tell him what is going on with me, rather than lying about how i am like ive been doing the past few weeks. He told me awhile ago he was impressed by how well ive been handling everything that is going on with me and I almost feel kinda guilty that he thinks that, b/c its a lie... Idk... I might chicken out and automatically put up a mask.. but i think i might try to talk to him.

*hugs Laura* I hope you can talk honestly to your friend and not put your mask up automatically , it really might help to speak with someone , Good luck :)

*hugs April* I agree with Mark & Vince.

*hugs Laura* Hope you can talk to your friend & stuff.

Am attempting to make myself make phone calls >.> Dreading this. Hate it :@ So many phone calls to make...

*Hugs Helen* Good luck with your phone calls

Thanks. Already made one. Shaking. Pathetic much?

*hugs* you're not pathetic Helen , I'm sorry you are shaking . do you have any cammomille tea or anything that could maybe calm you ?

No. I'll be fine. Just being silly :( *hugs*

*hugs everyone*

*hugs Hels* I have the same problem when I have to make phone calls. 9 times out of 10 I have to write down almost exactly word for word what I want to say or I just freeze up. Keep it up gurl, you're doing well.

*hugs April, Mark, Laura & anyone I've missed*

Man I wish I could sleep. I keep trying but I just can't nod off. My brain just won't shut down. The program it's running isn't anything bothersome, but it just won't let me sleep. *grumble, grumble*

*tries to find a nice, dark corner of the ward in which to curl up and go to sleep*

*cuddles Kahlia* I'm sorry you have the same problem, it sucks. I have the annoying problem of that I can't hear that well anyway!! Plus making phone calls, make me anxious & stress me out. Or perhaps it's the thought of it? Keep trying to ring this place about my jobseekers claim but I keep putting the phone down :/ Blah >.>

Hope you can sleep soon sweetheart *snuggles*

*Makes Kahlia some Rooibos Tea*

My Social Worker is 20 minutes late and not answering his mobile ............ he just rang ! he won't make it today but will be here at 9am tommorow! ugh .

*hugs Helen* - How are you going with that phonecall hun? Remember: big, deep breaths. If you need to, walk away from the phone. Then when you walk back, just try again. You'll get there darl. Just don't get angry at yourself. Phone anxiety can be a b*tch, especially if you are a bit worried they'll try and do the whole interview.

*hugs Mark* - Thanks for the tea. At least your SW got in touch with you. It's a bit of a shame that the appointments been postponed though.


As you can gather I still haven't been able to fall asleep. It's now 2:25 am. To be honest, I've pretty much given up on sleep for the night, even though it will make tomorrow all that much harder.

Right now, all I want to do is curl up in a corner and bawl my eyes out. :'(

I gave up on the phone calls :( Least I made one right?

*cuddles and sits with Kahlia* I'm sorry you can't sleep. I feel like curling up in ball & bawling my eyes out too.

*cuddles Kahlia, Helen, Mark, Laura, and anyone else I'm forgetting*

I'm sorry you all are having such a difficult time. :( I hate making phone calls too but I called the internship place again and this time got through to the director!! :D That made me really pleased, as I was worried that I wouldn't. We talked for about 10 minutes, setting up plans etc. She's going to call my advisor shortly so she can set up more stuff. YEY!!! It looks like - if this gets finalized on time - that I will be starting middle of May for at least 6 weeks. Will be good distraction, I suppose... :-/

But anyway. I don't know if I have one class or not today, so I am going to go over and see (health psych) - we're supposed to be doing physical/psychological work-ups on volunteers (one per person in the class) but mine hasn't emailed me back... so I don't know if she is still interested. >_< I feel rushed... so much to do in so little time, it feels like!!

:crying: