*hugs lindsay* we take you seriously... although I know that isn't what you mean. I'm sorry that the mh workers you've seen aren't doing anything to help. Have you given any more thought to having someone advocate for you?

*hugs hope.is.overrated* I'm sorry that you relapsed, but try not to dwell on it. Its just a slip up... Try to move forward from here.

*hugs jill* i agree with mark, maybe you should ask him to stop texting. And if you are uncomfortable definitely don't respond, maybe then he will eventually stop. Have you tried to talk to your mom about what you like about using sites like ryl?

*hugs lia* how r u doing today?

*hugs kat* Are you okay hun? I know i haven't been replying much in here but you have been in my thoughts.

*hugs mark* I understand what you mean about getting jealous, I sometimes do too... Its not petty though. Its just how you feel. Someday you'll find someone b/c you are a great guy, and then you'll never have to feel jealous of anyone again lol. Just try to have patience. Its hard, but its what you have to do.

*hugs jess* hey. How r u doing?

*hugs april* i'm sorry that you haven't been sleeping well. Sometimes weird dreams can really throw a person off. Oh, and while jarrod may have said that about your empathy... I'd have to disagree. I think you have a great deal of empathy for people, its shows in here all the time, and I think that you will make a good therapist someday.

*hugs julie* its okay that you can't read all the pages. Its really hard to keep up in here sometimes. How have you been lately?

*hugs felicia* I hope that you managed to stay safe after you were triggered last night.

*hugs kahlia* i'm sorry things have not gotten any better for you. At least you are getting out a little bit and trying to not shut down completely. I wish there was something someone could say to take your anxiety away :-/ Its okay that you've been quiet, we understand. We like to know how you are doing though.

*hugs oliver* I'm glad that things turned out a little better with you bf's dad. I bet that was a huge relief. I'm sorry that you are depressed and suicidal right now. I know that you feel like you have to be strong for Alex, but please don't just bottle things up and pretend you are fine if you're not. From experience, that never really works out well. Try to talk to someone. And i'm sure Alex would want to know how you are feeling as well.

*hugs everyone that i missed* I tried to reply to everyone that had posted since i last did, but if i missed you, I'm sorry.

Well my anxiety went through the roof last night, but I managed to go over to that guys house and talk to him. It went okay. Very awkward, but okay. Anyway, I just feel bad about it b/c he tries so hard and is very sweet, but its just not going to happen. And I think it was more mature to tell him than just not respond to his messages/phone calls anymore.

In other news.. I keep breaking down. I hate crying and I feel like I am crying all the time now. And the images that pop up in my head seem to be getting more and more frequent, which not only scares me, but also kinda triggers me. I haven't SI'd in a few days.. I'm trying not too.. too bad i'm a huge failure at it. *sigh* maybe i should tell someone irl, take my own advice, but I probably wont. Everyone thinks i'm happier now so... yea. Sometimes I wonder if I just have an unrealistic expectation for what a happy person feels like.

Laura, what is your image of a happy person? because from what you say it's hard to tell if it's unrealistic or not... I know that I don't really have an expectation for a happy person, just a fear of what one is (if that makes any sense)... like... I don't want to be what I now realize is (hypo)manic... giddy and "high" feeling (high as in "high & low")... and that's not realistic. I think a lot of people with MH problems struggle with an realistic image of a happy person, if that makes sense, because it's so often not modeled to us properly. So we don't know for what to strive, if that makes sense? *gentle cuddles* Please PM if you want to... I'm glad that the break-up went well and YES it was much more mature of you to go & tell him rather than just not return phone calls etc. Proud of you. :)

Hels, where are you?? you haven't posted in awhile and YES, we MISS YOU!!! *extra big cuddles* :)

Oliver, glad that things are better with your bf. Sorry to hear that you're not feeling so well lately - that really sucks. Being depressed/suicidal is NOT good as I'm sure you know (d'oh) - can you get any help? Sorry if you said that in your post, I don't remember it all that well. But I did want to comment on it & let you know that I read & care. *cuddles*

Lia, love, how are you doing? *gentle hugs* I'm sorry if you feel left out sometimes, and YES, that definitely was a post of epic proportions!! Well done!! :D

Sorry it wasn't more replies - I'll try to do more later, but I wanted to reply to those (few) posts before I got too tired... sorry. :(

I'm... I don't know. It's been a very up-and-down past 24 hours, and things are on the "up" end right now... I don't know. I'm just mixed up inside, and about what I'm not even certain!! :-/ I'm sorry, I know I'm making next to no sense here, so I'll shut up. But I did just take a nap - and had a weird dream during THAT!!! which bites, because naps are usually dream-free for me. :( Ughhhh. Yuck. *shakes head trying to dislodge memories of dream*

And yes, I am still exhausted. :(

Oh, & Lia (and those others who care) - things have been going okay without my blades, actually. I guess I really was/am ready to quit cutting? I don't know. But I have only had 1 echo/bare whisper of an urge to cut and it was pretty spare, to be honest - which is good, don't get me wrong!! I haven't cut OR self-harmed since I said I wouldn't, which is also good, and today I exercised pretty hard for the first time in awhile, without a major crash afterwards either. :D So that makes me happy.

Sorry, rambled about myself too much... :-S

Laura *Hugs* that was the right thing to do , face to face , I bet it wasn't easy so good for you :)

*Hugs April* How did the meeting with the girls Mum/Dad both go?

hugs april* good job on the exercising! I'm glad things are going okay without the SI so far. Hopefully you can continue to semi-easily fight those urges. Sorry you're feeling mixed up. I think that mixed up is the norm for me now lol, so i at least sorta understand how that feels.

I think my problem is that I dont really know what my image of a happy person is... I can say what I hope its not. I hope that happy people do not feel like people are others are watching/judging them all the time. I hope that they don't wake up in the morning and their first thought is sarcastically "great i'm awake again." And I hope that they don't walk down the street looking for... opportunities... and not the good kind of opportunities if you know what i mean.
What you said did make sense though
Maybe i'm just being stupid today. Thinking too much about this stuff.

*hugs mark* no it wasn't easy, but its over now.. thank goodness lol. How r u doing?

O yea! April: i was wondering about how that went with that girls parents too.. i just forgot momentarily.. sorry..

OH, about her parents... well, we skipped church to work on our relationship... and since we had the worship time last night Jarrod was okay with it even though he normally would want to go to church. So, in sum, I didn't see them. Hah. Part of my "desire to work on our relationship" probably stemmed from fear of seeing her mum, but oh well. I really did want to work on our relationship as that is the most important thing on this earth, so we did. :) And as a result of exercising TOGETHER and just having an "us-day," we feel a lot better than we did last night, that's for sure. :) But thanks for remembering... I'm sure it'll all go topsy-turvy next Sunday though, because we don't have Rooted then and Jarrod will want to go to church... but at least my bestie is (almost) guaranteed to be there to smooth things over if I get in over my head and need someone to cry/moan to. :-/ Heh. :-S

I'm pretty sure that those are things that a happy person would not do. Because that's not truly being happy. (I'm guessing those are things you do now?... *cuddles gently*) Truly being happy means being at peace with the world - including yourself & how you feel & behave... it means having joy... it means being able to face anything that can, will, or should come up... it means being GLAD that you're alive... it means no more masks, pretenses, or hiding... it means all of these things & so much more. Well, I guess included in that "happy" thing is also being healthy. But I guess that's pretty obvious, lol.

*spies Mark & Laura & glomps them* :)

*Hugs Laura* I'm just Numb . Still . Sick of it . Lunch with my parents tommorow should go ok . I am VERY anxious about telling my SW my suicide plan on tuesday morning but I told my nurse but it just came out I wasn't intending too tell her hmmm .

*Glomps April back*

Guhhh I'm so exhausted... and have no reason to be. x_x

Mark, I'm sorry to hear that you're still numb... that sucks. :( Good luck talking with your SW & please let us know what comes of that talk... hopefully not hospital but if it's the best thing & it's helped you in the past, then, well, that's good I guess. *gentle cuddles*

*spies Hels & glomps her* :D

*hides in a hole* :(

*cuddles everyone and then sits down*

*curls up in corner of ward and sighs*
dad grabbed at my arm and sayed that i needa exercise my arms... and exercise in general but ergh. see... am fat and icky and meh :(

thought i might as well "admit" myself. not doing to well atm. have spent the last two days in bed, and none of my family or friends really know whats going on. can feel a mega relapse coming on, and a possible admission. not what i want. i'm meant to be proving to college that i am stable enough to go back (got kicked out in october for being off sick). until about a week ago i was doing great. hadn't felt so good in ages, then all of a sudden BANG! and i'm heading for rock bottom. dont really know if there was a trigger or not, still trying to work that one out. i just feel scared and alone. my mind is constantly racing, and when i sleep, i just have nightmares constantly. haven't even got the energy to take care of my personal hygiene... really didn't see this coming, which has made it 100x worse... oh well... just gonna curl up in a ball and try and let the tears fall

I'm... yeah. I don't think I can really answer that one. I'm late for class at any rate.
I managed not to chicken out on my doctors appointment. I was so scared that I thought I was gonna pass out at one point. I have another one on Thursday too. Urg.

I shall have to run off to class now. I shall read everyone's posts properly when I return this evening.

Heather- You're beautiful. Don't put yourself down sweetie *Hugs*

Jess- Glad you managed to go to the doctor's appointment and I hope you're OK :)

Steph- I'm so sorry that you're struggling so much right now. Do you have any support outside of here? Anyone you can talk to? There's always going to be slip ups and relapses, try not to beat yourself up about it and we're all here for you as long as you want us to be. *Hugs if you want them*

April and Laura- I don't know how to answer that. In a way I am because I have some things to look forward to and a part of me keeps believing things will be ok, but idk. I can't explain. It's stupid anyway. Just doubts, thoughts...scary ones. I'm being stupid but at the same time, I can't help the doubt and it scares me. I can't post it here either. I can't tell everyone, I just can't. Partly cos it's stupid. Anyway.

I'm so glad you're doing well with your blades April, I knew you were strong enough for it. Really well done, it's cheerful to hear something like that. You mention you're not really sleeping though. Try my Winnie the Pooh idea :)

Laura- I have actually forgotten what you said. Total mind blank. I'll look and get back to you.

Laura- Don't feel bad about slipping and urges, we all here get them and it's nothing to be ashamed of. You should tell somone in real life if you feel it would help. I always regret it later, but if it would help you go for it. Don't worry about living up to other's expectations, it can only get worse if you go unhelped. *HUgs*

Oh and Helen- How was London? How are you? x

Oh and I forgot to say, Laura, epic reply earlier. :)

Ah yes, Hels, I forgot that you were in London... bad April, bad!!! Did you enjoy being away??

How was your London trip, Lia??

Just updated my r/v... sorry for the lack of more individual replies, am not feeling all that great mentally. :(

Ha, I got forgotten about as always :P

Lia, April, my trip to London was soooooooooooooo good. Just what I needed :) I got to see Mamma Mia. It was SO ****ing awesome. I love Mamma Mia more than life itself. Not as much as my best friends though, they beat it :P But have wanted to see it in theatre ever since seeing the movie. Did lots of other fun stuff too :D

Lia, I'm tired but ok.

*hugs/waves at all*

Sorry for the lack of individual replies, I'm just struggling to keep up at the moment.

Finally managed to write the email I've been trying to write all week yesterday. Hopefully she will get back to me this week.

Tomorrow I have to go to an Education Day *shakes head* for Pain Management Clinic. Sorry, but I'm only going to it because I have to. I'm pretty much expecting it to be a waste of time. They are going to tell me "All about Pain". Considering I studied OT up to third year so did anatomy and physiology as well as neuroanatomy ... I think I know about the neuro-stimulus for pain .... and I know exactly where my pain (in my shoulder) is coming from. *sigh* But it's compulsory for them to waste my time . . .

On Wednesday my housemate is having an Echo and a Stress Test and I'm going to sit up at the hospital and wait with him. I'm not going to enjoy it, but I'll do it.

That makes two days where I'll be swallowing Xanax like M&Ms. . .

Oh well. What does not kill us, right?

I'mjustme: i have a cpn and 2 support workers who i see weekly, my cpn i have just started seeing though, because my old one left about 4 weeks ago. and i love hugs :D they make the world seem better :D . i dont really have a lot of friends, and the girl who was my best friend said some vry hurtful things to me last week... my family live 70 miles away, so dont really see anyone, my other close friend lives about 40 miles away, and have only seen her once in 2 years, we ring each other regularly, but it isnt the same... just wish i lived closer to people.
hope everyone else is doing ok, pm me anytime xx

Hey Steph, my name's Lia. :)

Bummer when people live so far away. The one person I can talk to who is quite possibly the best friend I ever had lives in Cheshire and I'm in Kent, so that's like 5 hours apart. Glad that you have the support. There's no shame in struggling, if you're not in the best place, no one would want you to bottle up and pretend to be happy, therefore making yourself worse to live up to their expectations. *Extra hugs and a jarful for later*

Glad you're ok Helen :)

April- London was great. I got loads of new clothes and had a laugh with my friend Lauren, especially when we realised our ex phyiscs teacher (we're dropping it next year) was on the train well within earshot when we were bitching about the other phyiscs teacher and having an extreamly inappropriate conversation. I read your R/V and I'm sorry your anxiety is so bad right now. You're right though, God will give you the strength to get through this. He won't give you anything you can't handle. I was wondering...is it ok if I PM you? There's something I just need to...well I don't know what I want, I guess I just want to get it out when I am calm and rational so won't go off on one. Don't worry if you're, like, not in the right mental place right now though. It's not going anywhere.

xx