Of course not :)

hey everyone *hugs all around*
so ive been out of hospital sice sunday afternoon, and somehow managed to not SI. the urges are very strong, but dont know what is keeping me hanging on, but its a good thing i suppose. my cpn has been of sick since last wednesday (when i went in). so i refused my 48 hour follow up... dont see the point in seeing someone who doesnt know me, so therefore wont really get what i am on about.

ive got my college interview tomorrow afternoon, and am well stressing because of what happened last year. and ive just found out, if i do get in, i start on wednesday :s , not long to get everything... i DO want to go, just so anxious. it'll be good, give me something to do with my day, but dont want to have to go through meeting all new people again. at least one of my tutors has retired, so hopefully i wont get as much hell this year.

one of my mates has invited me round for a girly night, going to finally get to see the end of coyote ugly!!! so at least i will be distracted for tonight. cant have anymore cuts on my arms for tomorrow, i have to prove to them that i am "better". i'm really good at the work, so what does it matter if i'm messed up in the head?

anyways, sorry for going on, i am reading all the posts, but so much is happening, but i am thinking about all of you, and am worried about nicole too. please keep as strong as you can everyone, people DO care about you xx

I'm glad that you're doing well, Steph. Stay strong. We are all here to support you. Good luck with your college interview.

*cuddles everyone*

Mark, how's your busy bee day going??

Hels, how're you doing now? just wondering because your status on FB doesn't sound like you feel the best. :(

Crimson, how are you doing? how's getting the paperwork etc. done for the new job going? ^_^

Steph, so glad that things are going okayish. I'm glad that you have a "girly night" ahead... do enjoy!! It's been so long since I've gotten to do something like that... blah marriage and blah not having many female friends in the area!! :-X Oh well, I love my hubby... hehe. :) Oh & good luck at your college interview!!

Lindsay, how are you doing, sweetie?

Kat, what's been happening lately? I remember your last post your head was in a muddle, but I hope that things have calmed down since. :( *extra hugs*

I'm sorry if I didn't get everyone that's posted since the last time I did... I tried though!! :-S

I'm... I don't know. I forgot how many kcal I've eaten today & that's distressing me greatly... rationally I know that it shouldn't matter if I'm off by XX amount of kcal but I can't help it!! Ughh. And I talked with my sister about the SA stuff that's happened to me... which was helluva challenging thing to do... and she wants me to tell my parents, or even offered to tell my parents herself if I so chose, but also said that she wouldn't talk with them about it unless I said she could. I have no idea why I wanted to tell her about it but I did and now I feel like I let loose something from Hell... :'(

Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop................. :crying:

So yes. Not the best day for me. >_< And I can't even type, keep making so many typos it's not even funny. Especially for me as I usually type pretty fast & accurately. :(

That was a very brave thing for you to do, April. Of course you will be feeling emotional about it. *hugs*

I've just cut, but not badly, I was just over a month free. I want to cut so badly that I need stitches. I want to overdose. I have been looking into catteries so that I can overdose and someone can look after my cats but they charge £12 a night. I'll have to ask my neighbours.

Steph, good luck with college and have fun tonight :D Haven't had a girlie evening myself for ages!!

April, you're so so so brave, I'm so proud of you. It'll be hard to tell your parents if you do. I know my Dad (just recently as you know) was really upset and angry, but not at me and stuff. They'll just want to help you I'm sure. I'm feeling pretty **** pain wise, these chest pains keep coming back, going to get an appointment tomorrow, can't wait until I make one that Jane's coming to. >_<

Lindsay, I'm sorry you've cut and want to harm more. Please look after your wounds and more importantly, yourself *cuddles tight*

anxiety riddled... I have all but the typing test number entered in their resume thing online... I need at least a 40 WPm and I know I can type faster than that but every time I sit to take the typing test I get anxious and nervous and my hands shake so bad while I'm trying to type that I've taken the test 6 times and only topped 40 once... *cries* I don't know how to fix it.

Good luck Steph!
*cuddles April* Well done talking to your sister.
Please stay safe Lindsay.
Good for you for making the appt Hels.
*cuddles and hugs for all*

huggles all. Congrats Kihila April and Hellen, that is great welldone.
Hmm I'm feeling like ****,just want to die. Don't really see the point anymore.waiting for world war 3 kicking off.

Thanks Crimson, just hope she takes me seriously, last time I mentioned it to a doctor, he said it was just stress, no tests or anything :S

Well done Kahlia, April and Helen! That's really great! So proud of you all and it actually made me feel better.

Grief is crushing me. It hurts so much. I need her, now more than ever. Ironically that's because she's gone. Will I ever get over this? Will I ever feel better?

xx

*gnaws on fingernails* Well I gave in and submitted a score of 41 even though I can type faster than that when I'm not too busy screwing it up... at least its over the minimum. Now it's down to the waiting game I guess... I have another week and a half before the listing closes so I'll either forget I applied or be nervous for the next 2 weeks as I wait to see if I get an interview. I REALLY REALLY hope I get this job.

So much better than the job I have now... better pay, better benefits, warmer climate, a real zoo, pools, closer to my family (it'd be about the same distance from our new place to my closest fam and to d's fam), no extra boarders, etc etc...

I don't want to do this any more. I need out of life. I wish I had no family, or more family to support my brother. Then I could kill myself.

Thanks for all of the support... sadly I don't feel that great about having told my sister, just because it brought up a lot of feelings that I don't want to cope with, so instead I kind of got spacy. :(

Lindsay, sweetie, I totally understand what you mean - with the wanting out of life thing, at least. I'm sure a lot of us do. Please try and take care of yourself though - things will look up, it just takes time, a lot of time - cliché I know also but it's true, I think. *gentle hugs*

Lia, it will get better... same thing as I told Lindsay though, it takes time. I wish I could help you more, but I just don't have the words right now. :( *hugs you gently*

Sorry for no more replies, brain's not working, instead it's twisted about calories and the fact that Jarrod wants me to have XXXXkcal in me by the time he gets home. I've been trying sooo hard to reach that goal but he'll be home in a bit and I've only reached XXXkcal and I don't know if I can make it any higher, since I feel sick. :( He doesn't get it, no one in my life gets it, and it's so. ****ing. hard. :'(

I just wrote all individuals but lost them grrr
*Hugs you all*

*Please stay safe Lindsay*

Sorry for lack of more individuals , I find my parents lappy hard to use with its mouse PAD thing :S

I think I need to update my r/v.

I hate this. What right does he have to tell me how much I "have" to eat by the time he gets home?! I AM NOT HIS CHILD.

:crying:

Ps. *spies Nicole & glomps her* We were worried about you!!

*Rugby tackles Nicole.* That's for making us worry. *Picks her up dusts off and hugs* How are you?

xx

dksfhoieukjhgsfdlroiueoutgg!!!!!!!

I've gotten an interview at the peer counseling place!!! Tomorrow!!! I am so damn excited, my first job interview for a job that's "perfect" for me!!! It's parttime, paid, and, well, yeah. ^_^ I had given up hope that they'd call me as it had been a week but they did call me, just now... XD

Updated r/v too with rantiness. :-/

*bounces around & dances with Lia* XD I am so so happy right now...

...but go figure - happy happy can combine with sick/frustrated/angry. I didn't know that... feelings are so ****ing weird. :(

*hides*

Well done, April! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.