*Hugs all*

I'm sorry Helen. I hope you're alright.

*Hugs Louise* What's the matter?

I'm alright for all those of you who asked, my sister's doing my nut in, but that's nothing new.

Oh, and good luck Felicia, I hope everything goes well. My friend had a blood test the other day, she was really scared, but it was alright. Her arm ached afterwards, but apart from that she was alright.

*hugs crimson* I hate it when I get huge bruises... hope its getting better soon.

*hugs Mark*

*hugs Louise* how are you?

*hugs Helen*

hugs Felicia*

What's your daughter's name Helen? You don't have to talk about her if you don't want, but sometimes it's nice to talk about those who aren't here who we miss dearly.

Thanks, Lia. I'm absolutely terrified of needles... and test results, but mostly needles... so I dread blood tests.
*Hugs Crimson* I hate that you fell, that sucks.
*Hugs Lore* How're you, darlin?
*Hugs Mark*

*hugs everyone* thanks guys. it's just sore right now... Saturday was fun though. a friend talked me into going with her to a pole dancing class and then we went out to a couple of bars. it was pretty awesome.

now that i'm not in such a sour mood... how is everyone?

I'm alright, Crimson. Just tired, midly upset, busy, and absolutely despising being an English major right now haha.

Ah, Felicia, you're making English at uni seem less and less appealing right now. It's the only thing I am any good at though. And I do love it.

I looked it up in my Journal and Calender today . If I can make it through tmorrow I'll be 1 week free :) Only thing is now I've realised that it's all I can think about :S

Mark, *hugs* you can do it, I'm around if you need a chat. =)
Lia, If you love it, you'll be fine. It's just stressful, and (I think) more time consuming than other majors. I love it, usually. I'm just very stressed, cause I have like 5 papers due on the same day. English at uni is usually awesome.

Paypal won't clear payment into my account but people have tried to pay me , I even made a new e-mail and aypal accounts but that didn't work. Damn IT!!!!!!!!!!! I am so stressed , SO triggered . sorry . :(:(:(:(

Ill trade you, Felicia. I'll go to uni and you can come to work lol
*hugs Mark* Congrats! you can do it!

I believe in you, Mark. My condition management worker told me to day that how we phrase things is important. Instead of saying 'I don't want to self harm' (if that's what you're saying to yourself) try saying something like 'I want to be in healthy and safe control.'

things have been hard today.

hugs everyone

*hugs Louise* Do you want to talk about what has been happening?

one of my friends has landed in hospital and is not well at all.

*Hugs Louise*

I screwed up.
I cut.
I took 2 Diaz first but didn't give them the chance to work.
It's beeding / bled more than expected , I wasn't in control.
I feel I've let you all down , You were kind to me , kind words .
There goes the 1 week milstone .
I can't go on like this :(
Sorry.

You haven't let us down Mark. You still did really well to make 6 days, you should be proud of that. I'm sorry you didn't make it as long as you wanted though. *Hugs*.

And Louise, I am sorry about your friend, I hope she/he is alright.

*Hugs Lia* I'm So fed up of Self Injury , I want to stop but I can't , I need it . FFS it's been going on 16 years:(

You CAN stop Mark.
It takes time, strength & hard work.

hugs everyone, you have not lets us down mark

*hides*
i quit.

*HUgs Nicole hard* Please don't.

I think it's best I don't post in here again.
I'm sorry.

No it isn't Helen. We would all miss you so much. What's happened?

we would miss you helen if you did not post here again

*hugs lia.* :(
*hugs helen* please do. whats the matter?

oh helen we're sorry if you feel ignored, we honestly don't mean to ignore you! whats up??

*Hugs Helen* We all care about you here , sometimes Hugs are all we can muster , Sometimes this thread moves quickly and posts get overlooked , I'm sure it's not intentional on anyones part , Please stay .

Also we all get a bit wrapped up in our own issues so find it hard to offer support .

Helen , the other day I asked people to take a look at a thread I'd started and no one did so , It happens from time to time , I didn't take it personally , Was I disapointed? Well yes but I'm not going to abandon the ward over it and I don't think you shoud either.

I'm sorry Helen. I do try not to ignore people because I know how much it hurts.

Are you alright Nicole? What's the matter?

I need help. I hate myself so badly. Can't seem to get over what happened when I was growing up. So many things remind me. I can be just sitting and all of a sudden, I'll be thinking of something that happened and most of the time it feels so REAL. Like its happening right now. Am I just crazy or what???

Hels: I'm sorry. I often feel ignored on the ward because of my being in a different time zone so I can relate to you here. I've only just managed to get online and catch up on about 6 pages or so in great detail.

I just want to say this to you: People do still care. I know that I do. You have been through a hell I can only imagine. I can't begin to understand the pain you must be feeling. But having said that, I don't know how I can help you. Can you help me to help you? What can I say or what can I do? Not to mention you have college/uni stress and stress with your best friends ... I don't want you to leave the VPW Hels, especially not for feeling ignored. But if you choose to go, I at least will try to keep in touch if that is okay.

Sorry...

I have been planning to leave RYL. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm sorry. Feel free to hate me.
I've had a really bad day & struggling. I just lost my temper with everything.

Kahlia, your post means a lot to me, seriously.

Helen-none of us hate you! and whilst we want you to stay, if you feel you want to leave, thats your choice, but we all want you to stay here on RYL. the ward just wouldnt be the same without you. *hugs*

*hugs Nicole* Even if I did leave, I would like to stay in touch with some of you somehow...

Hye Spiltperson. You're not crazy. We can almost all relate to that.

split~ do you mean like flashbacks? and no, you are not crazy.

Hels~ I agree with Kahlia and everyone else.
I don't fully understand your situation and I at times don't know what to say (and don't want to say the wrong thing and make you feel worse). I'm sorry if I've contributed to your feeling ignored. I'm only on here sporadically and only during my workdays. Some days when I get a chance to come back in there's so many pages that have zipped past of everyone's posts that I can't get all caught up, sometimes it means skimming and other times it means skipping whole pages. It's not optimal for knowing what's going on but it's better to me than getting overwhelmed and whatnot.
If you do decide to leave RYL, do you have someplace else to post?

Well I'm heading to bed *Tells self tomorrow is a new start and does try to beleive it*
*Night time Hugs My Wardies*

*hugs Mark good night* Tomorrow is a new day and a new start. Try not to think about it or keep track if you think that'd help you to be SI-free longer.

Night night Mark. *Hugs*

Hels: Remember, even if you leave the VPW, or even RYL as a whole, you can always come back. It, and we, will always be here for you. We, well I - I can't speak for anyone other than myself really - love you and will miss you. I'll send you a PM with my contact details for if you do decide to leave if you like.

Hey everyone, im sorry you have struggled today Helen *Cuddles Helen* If you want to talk your welcome to pm me.

thanks Ice Queen and Poisoned Apple.
Yeah like flashbacks. Sometimes they are so real that my body even feels it is happening all over again...

I've never had those, but I am sure you're not alone. I know it's my username, but I really hate being called Ice Queen. Call me Lia. That must be horrible that they feel so real. Is there anything you can do to pull yourself back into reality when this happens?

*hugs everyone* the roads and conditions are so bad now that the office is being closed down and we're being sent home. I'll be back in either tomorrow (unless the roads are bad or worse) or Wednesday...

*hugs all* sorry I didnt say much... my internet connection stopped working and it took a while to fix it.
Going to bed now.
*good night hugs all*

The truth
 

I'm so glad I was on a happy hype yesterday because it gave me the chance to think about how I was going to tell you all how f***ed up ny sleep has become. Since I stopped cutting, I've had insomnia. I stay awake for hours reliving my worst memories. Sometimes I lie in bed and a tear just slowly makes it's way down my face. I think about cutting almost everyday. Even if I have stopped - for now - that doesn't mean the urge isn't there. It's maddening. I think the longest I stayed awake once was 48 hours + on school nights. So when I finally slept, I was exhausted. I don't wake up from my nightmares anymore. No matter what they are; my mind forces me into submission and I have to stay in that hell until someone wakes me in the morning. I have never been one to scream in my sleep. People think that I'm a quiet sleeper but I scream so much in my dreams. Memories turn and twist themselves into the worst outcome of the days I relive and I scream and cry as I'm forced to watch and never wake. Not til the morning comes.
I'm sorry I've kept this from you. I hope you don't think bad of me. Or think I'm a freak or that I'm weird. I just needed to tell you. Although I haven't known you all that long... You're more my family than anyone else. I love you all. :crying:
I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in.

*hugs Shad* its really good that you could tell us. I can relate to so much of that, I've had insomnia for as long as I can remember, with it gradually getting worse in the last few years and I just lie there remembering everything crying and shaking. I find now that I sit in bed on my laptop, it keeps me distracted, can talk to others, watch stuff and play games, although there is always that point that I have to turn it off and try to sleep, which scares me like hell, but i find that after I have been on my laptop for a few hours I am more tired and if not I play on my phone.
sorry ranted on about me too much, if you want to talk ever always feel free to PM me. your not a freak, we're here for you.

*hugs Shad* - Insomnia is something I know only too well. At the moment my sleep is better than it has ever been in my life. I spent most of my life (some 18 out of 29 years) sleeping no more than an hour a night if I slept at all. I went, and still sometimes go although it is getting less, for days or weeks with no sleep at all - and that's when I'm not manic. When I'm manic I can go for months without sleep. Sometimes I sleep through nightmares, and other times I wake up screaming so loud that I wake my housemate an he comes running in from the other room to find out what is wrong. I have to say though that I would have liked to have been able to participate in a study that is being done in Melbourne into Insomnia and Sleep Disorders. It's a pity I live too far away up here in North Queensland. :-(