Nicole , I'm sure they won't be judging you over your sexuality , I'm not sure it's really their business anyway:S

*hugs Mark*

*hugs Nicole* It would be rather stupid and immature of them to judge you based on your sexuality. I'm sure you have nothing to worry about there :)

*cuddles everyone*

Nicole, they tend to ask for data/date protection and stuff. So can't discriminate against you and stuff. Well I might be wrong, but sure it's something like that.

April, I'm sorry you're struggling but things won't always be this hard babe.

*Hugs Helen* How are you tonight?

Slowly getting better I suppose. Full of cold mind you. Got my interview tomorrow...

Still full of cold :( *Hands over a Lemsip* Good luck with your interview tomorrow , I hope you feel a bit better for it .

Hey everyone. Hope we're all doing okay.

*hugs Hels* Hope you're back to normal soon :) Pesky colds always seem to take forever to go away...

*hugs Claire* How are you doing today?

*hugs Nicole* they won't judge you over your sexuality, often places ask for sexuality to see if they are being fair and offering jobs to a wide range of people and to fit in with the equality act, I think its stupid to ask for your sexuality, but some places seem to want to ask anyway.

*hugs Helen* good luck for tomorrow and hope you feel better for the interview

*hugs April* its good you followed your meal plan, sorry your not doing good though *gives you extra special Oliver hugs*

*hugs Taz, Mark, JK, Lia, Luke, Laura, Claire(who I don't think I have said hi to before, so Hi!), Kahlia, Crimson, and all other wardies(sorry if I forgot you don't mean to)

Hey Oliver *Hugs* How are you doing?

I think I just need hugs :(

The sexuality thing is usually on a separate form with things like ethnicity, don't think you have to answer them though. It is separated and used for statistics, nothing else. At least that's my understanding of it.

*cuddles all*

I... am epically exhausted. I don't know, I got up from a nap and now all I want to do is go to bed proper. :( Feel so lazy, since I've not done hardly anything today, except go spinning and then go grocery shopping. So I suppose I've been out & about a bit more than I'm used to... but still, ugh. :(

It's so warm here. Probably close to 85'F if not 90'F... very very warm. And humid. Too humid for September, that's what I say. Heh. Like what I say matters, at least to the weather. :P But I am uncomfortable, warm and sticky... yuck. :( Hate weather like this any time of year, but why can't fall/autumn be here already??

So.over.this.

Oh, and thank you for the support, everyone, about the meal plan + everything else. You're awesome people. :) *extra cuddles for all* <3

Sorry no individuals but I'll try and get 'round to them sometime. :-/

*Hugs Claire* I spot you !:)

*Hugs April* I spot you too !:)

Bedtime at Marks heh , I tend to announce my bedtime here quite frequently don't I? Is it annoying ? I could stop if it is .

I don't find it annoying, Mark, not at all. It's nice actually, to know when you're going offline because then I won't worry about you. :) As much, anyway. Heh. <3 Hopefully that made sense!! But no, definitely not annoying. *cuddles and tucks you in bed*

I wish it were bedtime here... hmmm, could I get teleported to the UK so I can officially go to bed now?? :P Hehehe...

I am also not looking forward to supper. Although, it's not going to be as bad as lunch was, because it is fewer scary things. :-/ If that makes sense. I feel like I'm not making any sense at all right now.

Also, for those of you who read my r/v, I really do apologize for all of the swearing in it. I don't talk like that, I promise. Haha.

*cuddles everyone some more* <3

*hugs everyone lots*

Thanks Mark, hopefully I will, but we shall see :)

*hugs Taz* Should be back to normal tomorrow/Saturday, barring the cold anyway. So that will help :D

*hugs Oliver* Thanks for the good luck etc :D

*hugs*

*huggles Hels* I hope that you feel better by tomorrow. And yes, good luck!! (if you read my previous writing... I am a ditz, hah)

Ugh. Now I'm pissed off by a friend of mine who admits that she is a bitch and also doesn't really know how to put things in a very tactful way. I really like her as a friend, because I know I can expect honesty from her, but at the same time... can't imagine talking with her more often. It's like... I never can really be a good enough person for her. She always tells me that there's something I need to improve, something that I can do better, etc., etc. Anyway. Random pissed off moments. :-/

Why waste your time trying to be good enough if she's a bitch/can't be tactful kinda thing? :/

*hugs April* Thank you sweetie x

Maybe she has her own insecurities and worries that she is projecting.

*hugs helen* hope that you feel better and that your interview goes well!

*Hugs april* I know people that sounds like your friend. They can be hard to deal with sometimes. I try to just remember that that is the way they are and sometimes just consider the source when they are talking... which sounds kind of mean of me as well... but it's really not.

*gives claire a box of hugs*

*hugs oliver* how r u?

*hugs mark* I dont think announcing when you are asleep is annoying at all. I think its funny too that many times by the time you get up I am just heading off to bed... i stay up so late lol.

*hugs nicole* like others have said, it was only the first day. You are def not a fail. Also, the sexuality thing was probably only for statistics, you shouldn't be judged on it at all.

*hugs taz* how r u this evening?

*hugs mara* o dear, i'm so sorry about the situation at work. I wish i knew what to say. *gives extra cuddles*

*cuddles kaytee, heather, and crimson* hope you all are alright.

As for me, well i have to work tonight. They just switched the system so now i am all anxious again. Just when i was starting to be able to be calm at work and feel like i had the job down. :-/ That's life though. I have to learn to roll with such things otherwise i'll never succeed in the workplace.

Tried to tell my friend T about some of the things going on right now with me... but it didn't really work b/c I had to leave for an appointment right afterwards so I couldn't afford to make myself any amount of upset. He probably thought talking was a waste of time. I hadn't seen him in like 2 months though so i guess its not bad that we were way off topic from what he came over for.

Anyway, rambling, ill stop now.

*hugs Laura* Thanks darling :) x

=) is kind off happy right now. Happy happy happy. Is so out off it right now

*huggles everyone*

So tired. Binged yesterday and feeling crap today because of it. Also can't stop coughing and it's really wearing me down. My housemate went to the hospital yesterday and waited for 5 hours without even being seen and these "indigenous Australians" who were much further down the triage queue started screaming about discrimination and got put in above everyone. Yeah, that's fair according to Triage protocol - the sickest get seen first . . .

I'm sorry I can't do individuals right now but my friend's suicidal and my stress levels are through the roof and i've already cut and i took some pills but not enough, but it scares me how close i came and the urges aren't gone and i'm scared of what i might do and i know i can't do this. i can't be here anymore and i am panicking so much i just don't know what to do i want out and there's nothing i can do.

*cuddles lia and holds hand*

Oh Lia, honey, I'm so sorry that you're so stressed, and also that your friend is suicidal. Are you going to be okay, though? because you won't be able to help him/her unless you yourself are doing okay. And you don't sound all that firm yourself, if that makes any sense... please don't take any more pills. You don't need to die, please, hang on to life and your dreams for what you want it to become... don't give up. I'm here if you need to talk, others are as well. And you can always ring up someone if you need to, right, like the Samaritans? (sorry, don't know diddly-squat about emergency helplines in the UK :-/ ...) Wish I could help more but please, love, keep hanging on. Fight for your life. It's worth saving. And so is your friend's. Try and stay as safe as you can for the rest of the night, and remember, God's with you. (Normally wouldn't say that here but I think I remember you saying you're a Christian too?) Will be thinking of/praying for you.

Sorry no other individuals at the moment. :(

Thinking of God actually made me feel better.

i only got as far as about pill 3. But still, i've never done that before and it scares me. i think it's only going to get worse. i'm trying to be strong for her. i'm haven't told her how upset i am, just trying to talk some sense into her. I don't know what to do because i'm the only one who knows anything aout her and i can't do it alone anymore. I can't tell anyone though, she's begged me not to, but i feel i should...something she said earlier, about me. a theory she has. it has nothing to do with suicide, but it scared me too. Sorry. I can't tell you guys, but April,you might know what i'm on about. She thinks so too. What I pm'ed you about that time. i told her she was wrong and to back off, but now i just don't know...

I hope everyone else is OK...*hugs all*

Hugs everbody. Hmm wondering if getting drunk, just to stop feeling so numb. Havnt laughed so much in my life.

*hugs* Lia please try to stay safe

*infact extra special Oliver hugs* to all of you, because so many of you seem to be struggling right now and you shouldn't, your all amazing people, who i care about a lot, so please, please all stay safe.
*big Oliver love to you all*

ok I'm quite excited, been talking to a friend, another trans guy and we're both really fed up of waiting for the NHS to get prescribed hormones, so we are going to do a sponsored walk, we're going to walk hadrian's wall, which is 84 miles, probs tak us about 5/6 days and then the money we raise is going to go towards going private for hormone treatment.And then any money left over will go to local LGBT/trans groups.
I'm also really excited by it because I've been wanting to wlak Hadrian's wall for ages and I love hiking and also Greg is a good mate.

That's great Oliver. :) I really hope you can raise enough. *Extra big Lia hugs to you too.*

Okies. Now I'm going to (attempt to) do individuals. May not get all of you as my brain is kind of all over the place... but hey ho, we shall see where I get. :P

*cuddles Lia* I'm glad that thinking about God made you feel better. :) And yes, I do know what you're going on about, I remember that PM. I'm sorry your friend "has a theory" and that it upset you so... but it's understandable. I would be upset as well, I think, especially if it were about things I didn't want anyone else knowing about. Which applies, probably, to a lot of stuff, in a lot of people's lives. But anywho, yes, I do know. *extra special strengthening hugs* As far as the pills go... I've OD'd once, and while I only took a few pills over the course of a day, it was still enough to scare me too. Please try to stop yourself from ever doing that again, because - I am gathering, from how frequently people do it - that either the feelings from the pills or the attention received from taking them (not saying that those who OD are attention-seekers, more like they don't have enough attention & crave it whilst at the same time being in a great deal of emotional pain... oh ****, I don't know, does that even make any sense?). Anyway. Please try not to do that again. I'm worried about you. :(

*cuddles Oliver* That walk sounds cool; I hope it works out okay. That's quite a long walk, actually... would you be planning on camping out? or what? (sorry, first thing that came to mind after you wrote 84 miles/5-6 days was, "Oh dear, where would they SLEEP??" ... hehe, I'm very much attached to my comfy bed, although I have had my camping days, lol)

*cuddles Hels* Feeling a little better yet perhaps? I hope so. It's getting late there, am always surprised to see so many of you on so late at night!! (well, for you all - not so much for me, it's not yet 8pm here) I hope your interview goes well tomorrow/today (depending on your timezone, hehe). You'll have to let us know. ^_^ How else are you doing? and how is/are your bestie(s) doing?

*cuddles Laura* I would be annoyed with work hours being changed as well, especially as a relatively new employee, but you're right, in life you've just gotta learn to "roll with the punches" I guess. I have trouble with that, I don't know why. It's just a part of me - I hate change. Of any sort, because it takes me so freaking long to get accustomed to the new "stuff," whatever it may be. Anyway, enough about me for now, ahahaha. >_<

*cuddles Jill* Are you doing okay, sweetie? I'm a little concerned about you...

*cuddles Crimson* Any word from the new job yet, love? and how are you doing, and how's your gran? I hope you're feeling a bit less anxious than you were when you last posted (?)... thinking of you.

*cuddles Kahlia* Sorry I've not responded to your PM yet, I'm not intentionally ignoring you, I promise. I just want to have the time/energy to sit down and write a decent/good reply and that time just hasn't happened yet. :( Are you doing okay? I mean, overall, because it's seemed like you haven't posted in here in a bit. I'm sorry your housemate didn't get seen at the hospital, that's utterly ridiculous - is he okay? and I'm also sorry that you binged and feel **** about it now... but it's only one day of doing badly, as - well, everyone - would tell me if it were me... so I hope that you don't keep feeling that badly. *extra special hugs to you as well*

*cuddles Claire, Kaytee, & Mara* How are you three?

Re: the bitchy friend, I do like her as a friend, as I said. I don't know why she is a bitch at times but she knows she is and readily admits it. It's not really a mean bitch, more of a thoroughly-honest-no-matter-how-it-will-come-across bitch. I guess she's just a little insensitive to other people? I don't know. She's just... well, definitely honest. Perhaps to a fault. She doesn't soften things, and tbh, she did piss me off today. In response to a ranting LJ post, about my ED and how I "don't want to follow that ****ing meal plan," she wrote:

You know I get this ED stuff but like I said, you have to decide what you want, whether you're sure yet or not. I admit I can understand where Jarrod is coming from, he's probably getting fed up and frustrated and angry. Either you do this or you don't.

You also need to deal with the fact that you don't like to leave the apartment. [re: me not liking to leave the apartment to exercise]

I think you need to reread Life Without Ed and Goodbye Ed, Hello Me.

I am not one for just blindly following along but you need to just do this - you talk about God and all that stuff - well faith is involved so start having some.

And then in response to a reply I left to that comment, she wrote:

That's good that you're giving this a shot. And yeah in a perfect world it'd be great if coping with things were easy but it's not and you're not the only one struggling with things either - we're all fighting something and wishing it were easier. You need to change your outlook somehow.

I don't know, am I the only one that sees how that can be kind of annoying/cause one to become pissed off? because she didn't give any advice or anything on HOW to change my outlook, and yeah, I know she gets the ED stuff, but I don't feel comfortable talking to her about it, really, because she's, well, probably going to tell me stuff I don't want to hear. I don't know.

Sorry. That should've probably gone in my r/v. Anyway, long enough for now... just got back from a walk - my 30 minutes of exercise that I'm allowed (5 days/week only) - and am cooling off. It's cooler out now that the sun's gone down but... still kinda sticky. Ugh. And now I'm getting sleepy so I see shower + meds + bed shortly. :-/

April- don't worry about me. It's ok. I'm calmer now. But it's sinking that I tried to kill myself. If that's what I was doing. I don't know. I didn't take very many, but only because I didn't want to leave people behind. Not really because I wanted to live at all. I knew I was screwed when I was jealous of the lives of people in EastEnders. Inside my head, I am screaming right now. I'm not frantic anymore, but I am scared. Scared of what may or may not have happened and scared of how to deal with it all. Scared of myself and what I might do. I'm sorry about your friend. I think she does care about you though but just isn't very sensitive towards feelings. *Bear hugs* Oh, epic reply btw ;)

yes we will be camping, it would be rather epic to do it all non stop with no sleep!! its just the case of finding the campsites and getting it cheap and hoping they are open in feb, also hoping its not too cold in feb, considering its on the border to Scotland

The listing closes tomorrow then they start picking people to interview *crosses fingers and waits patiently*
I'm.... I dunno. Kinda roller-coastery lately.
Gran is ok last I heard but mom hasn't texted since yesterday noon so... dunno.
I totally see where you're coming from and it is just fine here... :) we like to know what's going on.

*hugs everyone and heads home to teach the kids how to cook ( and take pictures of it for their school lol)*

Lia, thanks for saying my reply was epic. ;) It was rather long, wasn't it... :P Hehehe. I understand though, where you're coming from about being scared of yourself etc., of what you're capable of, and how it's just sinking in now... I wish I knew what to say that would be useful. :( *extra special April hugs* PM box is open if you need/want to talk. <3

Oliver, I didn't expect you to go without sleep. ;) I was just wondering if it would be hotels or camping... and brrr, camping in February would be rather cold, I would imagine. At least, around here. But then again, that's what a lot of blankets and a nice warm sleeping bag is for, right? :) But honestly, I do wish you the best of luck with your venture. It should be awesome if you can do it, and I expect pics!! *hands on hips* Lol... *hugs*

Crimson, good luck with getting the job... I should be hearing back about the job tomorrow too... something's telling me that I didn't get it, otherwise would've heard back by now. Blah. I do hope that you get good news though, about that and about your gran. <3 *huggles* Oh, and I'm glad that you (none of you?) were annoyed that I posted such a long bit about my friend. And also, that you can understand where I am coming from. :-/

Ugh, so freaking tired... :( Just want to go to bed. Jarrod's playing Half Life 2 now and I just want to sleeeeeeep... :( but I also don't want to drag him away from the game when he's just started playing it. I mean, he's played it before, but just started where he left off a few minutes ago. So I guess it's another shower-alone go-to-bed-alone night. Blah. I hate going to bed alone, it feels, well, lonely. Ahaha. >_<

I feel so... left out. And sad. And like I don't give a **** about anything anymore. I don't know. I'm kinda verging on suicidal? I don't really know though for sure. It feels iffy. And I really really need sleep!!!!

*cuddles all then heads off to fill out food/exercise diary for the day* :-/

You obviously do give a **** about some things April, or you wouldn't have replied to everyone just now :) Pull the plug on the computer and pretend it's a power surge? Good luck with the job April, I really hope you got it. You know something? I'm thinking of actually taking you up on the PM offer, maybe not this second in time, but at some point soon because I think tonight was a result of bottling all these feelings up just coming to a head. I actually got as far as taking the pills from thier hiding place and taking some. I've only ever got as far as holding them before, even in my lowest moments. I think it's time I at least tried. Stay safe. *Hugs tightly. * Night night. xx

hope everyone is ok....sorry for the lack of individual replies but theres just too many pages to read :(
Thinking of you all though and sending all my love
xxxxxxxxxx

Cuddles April. No worries I'm okays, really okays. Loves you guys.

**wanders in, picks up a duvet, drags over a beanbag chair and curls up with a hot water bottle, she brings out a half-finished bracelet and a box of multi-coloured seed beads and lays them on her lap**

My father had an emotional day at work, came home and decided he wanted a bottle of wine. Because he's had a hard day, it's effecting him more than usual...and when he gets drunk he gets stupid and irritable...and sometimes volatile, lashing out at everything and everyone irrationally.

I'm not majorly triggering, but when he gets like this it is a trigger for me...I've just been dealing with it for too long and sometimes I don't feel like dealing with it anymore

So here I am. Though in real life I'm going to go and absorb myself in a movie and focus on my beading.

Today, I am going to scream. *hides under duvet*

*Hugs everyone*

So Many posts ..... I'm sorry about not doing many individuals :S

Kahlia, is your flatmate okay , I mean he obviously had a reason for going to the hospital and didn't get treated ?

Lia , I'm very worried about you , please tip the pills away.

Jill, I know what you mean about getting drunk to feel better , I did just that on the 31st of August and the 1st of September :S Just so you know I empathise .

someone please tell me why I cant stop crying

^^ **hug** ^^

*Hugs Lex*

*Hugs Mara*

*huggles everyone*

To those who asked about my housemate: He's not crash hot, sort of playing it by ear. He's sleeping until about 10 maybe 11 in the mornings now, has lots of stomach issues - which was what drove him to the hospital because the pain and nausea was so bad he couldn't take any of his pain or psych meds. Not sure what he's planning to do ... He does have a GP appointment on Sunday, so maybe just waiting until then.

April: It's okay, I know you have a lot going on. I'm still working on a "part II" to that PM as well by the way. Things just seem to be crashing/raining down on everyone at the moment. I'll write about me at the bottom but just in case you miss it ... I really am not crash hot.

To everyone who sent me hugs/good wishes/etc: Sorry for grouping you all together but I didn't want to inadvertently leave someone out. Thanks so much it was really appreciated. Not doing brilliantly at the moment and I can do with all the support that I can get.

About me: My psychiatrist asked me to half the amount of Xanax I'm taking so that I'm on 4 mg per day instead of up to 10 mg last week via email so I've been suffering withdrawals from that. He was speculating that the half life of the xanax (10 hours) was causing me to wake up early in the morning on the nights I could sleep and was stopping the mogadon (sleeping pill) from working when I was attempting to use it because I couldn't sleep. Anyway the experience is not pleasant. I am terrified every single time I leave the house now. But I don't have a choice sometimes. *sigh*

My housemate has noticed the "change" in my eating as I've let my anorexic mindset take control except for yesterday's major binge session which my housemate was incredibly happy about. He even commented that he was really happy because he was beginning to get concerned about my eating habit change and some "unhealthy" thought patterns towards eating.

I've started having stronger urges towards ODing, SI and some very strong urges towards suicide which I start talking about with my housemate but he made a really hurtful comment towards me and then walked away before I was able to say anything. Grrrrrr. I'm sorry. He also got me moderately annoyed when he got the level where he got free meds. Especially when I've paid for half of his medications so far...

Anyway I feel like absolute crap. I'm just so damn over it. I don't even know if I want to live or not anymore. I'm so sick of trying. Screw it all. Really.

Women , your opinions please , If you got your favourite chocolate bar and a seaglass pendant roll up in a crinkled scarf with wooden buttons on in a bag that has happy birthday written on it for your (30th) Birthday would you like it? , I haven't had the oppourtunity to show my sister or mum and wanted a womans thoughts. I know individual tastes mean a lot but I mean in general do you think it's a good presant? It's for my best friend .

Oh Kahlia :( I'm sorry you are struggling so much *Hugs* I wish I had magickal faerie dust to sprinkle over you ...

I think that sounds lovely, as long as jewellery and scarves are their thing, which it's not for me. But yeah, if it suits their interests then it sounds great!

Hello everyone, sorry, not up to individuals, feeling a mix of anxious and spaced.

Well I asked her what she would like and the only answer I got was jewelery so , yeah , it's her thing , I really wanted to treat her as I know she is struggling with turning 30 ( As am I this year ,ugh) and I wanted to make her happy on her birthday.

I think it sounds lovely, I'm sure she'll appreciate it. I have no idea what it's like to turn thirty, but could you both look at it as age being just a number? You are only as young as you feel.

I think it sounds good!!!