*cuddles laura back and leaves care packages on the table*
*goes back into hiding*

*hugs everyone*

I'm so sick of life. I don't think that anyone is going to be able to help me to cope with being mentally ill. My psychologist says that I probably won't be well until i'm in my forties. I can't wait that long. I have to die.

*Hugs Lindsay*
You don't HAVE to die , you are having a really tough time right now but it WILL get better :)

Thanks Mark, it's just so hard to believe. How are you?

*cuddles all*

Struggling. Trying to not let SI and suicide thoughts be there. Meh. Seeing my Dad and hopefully Jane soon :)

*curls up*

*hugs crimson* you okay?

*hugs lindsay* you don't have to die hun. Please try not to think like that. You will get better, it just takes time. And just because your psychologist says that it could take until your 40s doesn't mean that is the way it will be.

*hugs mark* how r u doing?

*hugs helen* hope you have a good time with your Dad and Jane. Don't let those thoughts get to you! Good job for trying to fight them

I hope so too :) I'm trying...

Thanks everyone for asking how I am :)
I'm OK considering , just a little curious of how my increased dose of Lithium is going to affect me, side affects wise:S . I'm numb still , I really hope the meds can KICK my mind into shape .

*Hugs Lindsay, Crimson, and Helen* I'm gonna Pop out but I'll be back online in 45 minutes or so :) Shop today , it's raining tomorow :)

*cries* I can't do this.

*hides*

*Hugs Lindsay*

*Hugs Nicole* Whats up ?

*hugs mark* just really tired and fed up. i love these DBT trips but they put me in such a bad mood :(

*spies Nicole & Mark, & glomps* :D

Nicole, love, what's going on?

Lindsay, as was said on the other page, just cos your pdoc said that you won't be well until you're in your 40s, doesn't mean that that's how it's going to pan out. They aren't God. They can't tell you just exactly when you'll get better. Could be quite a lot sooner... and you don't have to die, you have to keep fighting, even though it's really really tough. It'll be worth it, I promise. *gentle hugs*

Mark, I hope that your new lithium amount will help as well. Have you found it useful in the past?? I think I was on 1200mg/day as well, of lithium, way back in the day (2006? I think), but since my problems mostly aren't biochemical, it didn't help a lot. Just like the ECT didn't help a lot. Anyway. *cuddles*

*cuddles Hels* Are you looking forward to seeing your dad and Jane? Sounded like it, which is good. How'd the chat with them go? I think you said that your dad was angry, but not at you... but I can't remember how exactly it went. Sorry. :-X

*cuddles Laura* How are you doing now, love?

*cuddles Jill* What's up, sweetie? care to talk about it in any more depth?

*cuddles Crimson* Haven't heard from you in awhile, how are things going?

Thanks to all who responded to my post and/or r/v. I know that Jarrod does care, and Laura, you're probably right in saying that he's just desensitized himself as it hurts too much to really keep seeing/feeling... but still... it makes me feel like he doesn't care anymore, whether or not that's the case (and I don't think it is - but thinking and feeling are two very different things!!). Ugh. Why me, why now, why ever, why anyone?! :(

Have been pretty useless today... but... my meds did come!!! Woohoo. XD So now I have my Tegretol... or so I hope, haven't opened the package yet. Probably should do that, heh. How I despise mail-ordering meds!!!!! :(

The eye twitch hasn't been back... so that is relieving.

*cuddles everyone I didn't mention, and those that I did as well* :)

sorry but I really can't handle this anymore. I'm so scared that's somthing is going to happen to my dad he under so much stress. He trying to act tough but I'm so scared no matter if he says noithing going to happen. Same goes for my mum scared she going to try somthing, my mum already said when she was depressed that she thought about killing herself. Just want to dissapear off the face of the earth.

*Hugs Jill* I'm sorry your family is having such a hard time :(

Can I please have hugs.. I know i'm pathetic but... i really need them right now. I'm so overwhelmed.

*Super-Hugs Laura* It's not pathetic Laura, people need hugs somtimes :)

thanks mark *hugs back*

i wish i could believe that i am not a pathetic, useless human being. I'm so scared of everything. I need to be a stronger person.

*Hugs Laura* You're NOT pathetic or Useless . As for being scared , we all get scared sometimes , it's natural . I reckon your stronger than you give yourself credit for *Extra Hugs*

*cuddles everyone super tight*

April, it went really well. I only saw my Dad tonight. But yeah. Ended up crying at one point. About same thing I was crying about earlier. Was talking to my Dad more about that stuff aswell....was interesting...

Aw Laura, hon, you sound like me. *big big cuddles* I'm scared a lot and don't think I'm a strong person either... but then, look at what both of us have gone through, and have come out of or are still working through... and it's clear that we're not as weak as we think we are. *more cuddles* It's also not pathetic to need hugs, remember, I asked for them last night. PM me anytime, 'kay? I'm here if you need to talk. <3

Hels *cuddles* So glad that the talk went okay, and remember also, that crying is okay. May feel awkward and odd but it's alright. Especially because it's your dad and he cares for you, may not know how to comfort you (men often don't), but I'm sure he didn't mind. *more cuddles for you too*

Mark, how're you doing tonight?? *cuddles*

Jill, love, am so sorry to hear that your family's having so much difficulty. I'm here, as I said to Laura, if you need to talk more. *cuddles*

*Cuddles April* I'm watching a movie called "Red Mist" , there was one scene where a character has his trousers pulled down and has S.I. scars/wounds. It's triggered me , I honestly didn't see it coming . :S Other than that and being NUMB (Still) I'm just existing . *Sigh* Sorry

He really does care about me. Got lots of hugs today. Bless him. *cuddles April back*

Awwh thats great Helen:D

*hugs april* thanks.. i might PM you later about some things.

*hugs mark* thanks for talking to me. i'm sorry that movie triggered you. I hate unexpected triggers.

*hugs helen* im glad your dad is being supportive of you. Its good to get lots of hugs.

Ugh... just want to give up

Thats totally alright Laura :)
"I won't give up if you don't give up" your Sig Laura , Try not to give up, I know it's hard but you CAN do it , I completly beleive in you :)

*hugs everyone*

I believe in you, too, Laura - I believe in all of us here - and I'd be glad to have a PM from you. :) Wouldn't mind at all. *cuddles* Please don't give up... keep on fighting cos one day it WILL get better. I promise. <3

Hels, so glad that you have your dad. :) That's awesome... and hugs are amaaazing at helping us feel better, ey? *cuddles*

Mark, love, sorry that you got accidentally triggered. :( Please try & stay safe tonight... Sorry we didn't connect in chat today, maybe tomorrow we'll be on at the same time. Pop me an email whenever... even if it's just a vent, I honestly don't mind, I promise. *cuddles*

So warm here... ughhh. :( Hopefully I will sleep better tonight than I did last night... Jarrod was supposed to have a Future Soldier's thing tonight, but it got cancelled and he didn't find out until he'd gone there and discovered that no one was there. Poor him, all rushed to get ready and all and then found out after he rushed that it was cancelled. :( And the next one he won't be able to make as it's at noon on a work day. >_< Stupid people for scheduling it at stupid times. I think I'm more upset than he is though. :P

Ho hum. He's home now and I'm still super tired... guhhh.

*cuddles all*

*huggles everyone*

Sorry that we're all struggling so much. Wish I could make us all better. Nobody deserves to feel badly and personally, I don't believe anyone brings this sort of stuff on themselves. You all have worth, and are loving and kind people who deserved to be loved for who and what you are inside.

*big group hug*

*big group hug*

*join in the group hug* :) You're right, Kahlia, in all that you said in your post... and guess what? - it applies to you too. :)

I'm really exhausted. But it's not yet 8pm here so not going to bed yet... just took a cool(ish) shower and it felt oh so good. On warm days, in an apartment with no a/c, cool showers are amaaazing. :)

Guh. Feel like ****, think I ought to text my NP to let her know that I'm not doing well again? or should I wait til I'm fully back on the Tegretol & if I'm still not doing well text her then? I don't see her until the 25th or so...

*hides in the cool, a/c'd warren to cry*

Updated my r/v... if anyone really cares. >_<

Sorry, am in a really negative mood right now. :( I should probably just shut up & go to bed. :crying:

*cuddles April* sorry not in a place to read you r/v right now but hope you start to feel better with the tegretol...

*huggles Hels*

*huggles April and sends some cold weather your way - seriously you can have it, it wa 18C here this morning and for us that is close to freezing lol* - While logically I know it applies to me, I have a lot of trouble believing it . . .

*hugs Crimson* - Sorry missed you there . . .

*cuddles all*

You know we all care April & that I've read your r/v as we're chatting on fb. It'll get better sweet xx

Thanks Hels, Crimson, Kahlia... *cuddles all*

Crimson, hon, what's up?? *extra cuddles*

primarily inner turmoil... getting over being sick too. i just feel super low. i'll be ok...

*hugs mark, kahlia, april, helen, and crimson*
Hang in there everyone. Sorry we are all feeling so low. My PM box is always open to any of you.

Trying to take some control right now. Control is a big thing for me.. so we'll see how this turns out.

Oh and about earlier, I know my sig says, I won't give up if you don't give up.... I guess i shouldn't turn into a hypocrite about that... its hard sometimes though.

Wow, very quiet in the ward....*worries*

*cuddles you all* Keep hanging in there, we won't always feel this bad :)

OH Laura I wasn't calling you a hypocrite :S sorry if it came over that way :(

*Belatedly joins the big group hug*

Huggles everbody. Curls up in corner I feel so numb, sad and kind off lost, trying to keep busy so I don't think to much about it. Trying to remember the good times and how this person was not what she's like know.

*Hugs Jill* Sorry you are feeling so crap, you WILL get to be that person that was not what she's like now again ( Make sense? )

*Hugs Helen* OOhh we posted at the same time , how are you today ?

Hugs and thanks mark. Curls up and crys just want to hide.

*hugs you all* sorry everyone seems to be struggling, it will get better, keeping hanging on in there everyone, your all very special individual people who deserve to be happy.

*cuddles everyone*

*cuddles everyone again*

I'm having a bad day >_< In epic amounts of pain. Least I made my best friend really really happy with my 'present' =P

*cuddles helen gently* do you wanna talk? feel free to PM me.

*Cuddles Nicole*

*Cuddles Helen* Glad you made your best friends day :) What was your "present" ? *Curious*

*cuddles mark*