I know Kat. It'll happen. We will get there one day at a time.

Ugh I feel physically ill , Part way through my (supposedly) Vegetarian meal and "POP" I uncover a bit of chicken , I thought it might be tomato cause it was red so I tested (bit) it and nope , Chicken Tikka . That has really triggered me and it's got nothing to do with S.I. at all . I just .....words can't describe it , I am a VERY strict vegetarian . It's upset me . My family who I don't live with were having curry tonight and thought they would buy me one just "because" and this happens . ****.

If anyones around I'd really appreciate a hug or wave or anything really.

oh hun *hugs* that's crap. I'd complain to the makers.

Be back soon, I have to put baby to bed. xx

*Hugs Kat* Thanks. I don't know if I even say anything , it would just cause hassle , I feel GUILTY of all things , I don't know why I just do .
I want to cut , I really , really ,really do

*Waves at Laura* I spot you :)

*Sigh* I cut . never mind . I needed to ......
I'm Sorry

Morning everyone, I couldn't sleep so very pleased to see the sky starting to lighten down here.

Mark, honey, 's OK, you're still doing well and six days out of seven is still a pretty good percentage.All we ask is that you do your best, and be brave and believe that next time will be different. Oh, and look after the cut ;) We believe in you and you will too soon. *hugs tight*

Thanks Kat, yeah I don't know what she meant, and I didn't ask cos I never think to at the time, I just got quite a shock and it started a bunch of questions and doubt in my funny little head ;) Maybe I should ask her this week. How you doing? Nice to have a bit of a chat with you *cuddles*

Morning Laura & April - how are you two gorgeous ladies today? *thinks its probaby nighttime there*

Hugs to everyone who'll undoubtedly pop in over the next few hours, I'm off for a 3 hour cycle with some friends,in an effort to keep myself out of trouble. Hope I don't fall asleep on my bike!

*leaves everyone's favourite thing out for them to find when they stop by*

Awwww My favouite thing! Thanx JK *Tries to think what my favourite thing is* OOh music mix CD of my favourite songs !
Enjoy your bike ride , 3 hours! how far do you go ?

about 70kms, will be tough today.. off now, look after each other x

Kilometers!? Put's on maths hats for conversion to Miles , the one true measurement of distance . :)
Ugh .Maths never was my strong point .

Ok this is going to be long... attempting to reply to everyone since my last post:

*hugs mark* Im sorry about your meal and that you cut. I would be really angry about the meal too (even tho im not a vegetarian... but i can imagine how bad that would be). I would probably send in a complaint. And, Even though you cut, remember that you were almost a week free, concentrate on that... its a much more positive way to look at it i think.

*hugs kat* you are definitely not pointless, and as mark said, someday things will be better. I bet you will have a day where things go right and a night where there are no nightmares. It maybe just takes time to get there.

*hugs julie* Hope you managed to sleep and that you have an ok time at work.
*waves at owen*

*hugs lindsay* It has been super busy in here lately. and I LOL'd at the busty comment

*hugs helen* hope you have fun going out. Sorry that you did not have a great day yesterday. *extra cuddles*

*hugs april* Another paper... wow.. I'm getting tired of papers too. I have 2 more due before next week and then i also have a test and then another final. The end of the semester is always crazy. Oh and I like the shorter hair cut too. I think that it'll look good on you.

*hugs JK* Im sorry to hear about your old friend passing away. Sometimes when i hear about deaths I don't really react either. I never know if that is a sign of mental health issues or just how I am. Either way, im really sorry about ur friend. Hope you are having a good, or at least okay day. And its not nighttime lol its 2pm in the midwest part of the US. Im pretty sure its night in the UK though..

*hugs kahlia* i really appreciated what you said on the earlier page. You can make it through those urges! I hope that they don't get any worse for you. If they do, please try to tell someone.

*hugs mouse in darkness, A&S, and Crimson* How r u guys doing?

*hugs hayley* you are definitely not a waste of space. You are a great person! you are caring and kind. Nobody will argue with that.

*hugs oliver* Congrats on officially being Oliver! And as for the loner thing, I can also relate to the feeling... I just try to keep in mind that i still have time to make friends and that someday i will have true friends (right now i feel like most of my friends are more like good acquaintances.. ppl that ask you how u r and the answer they want to hear is "im good.. lets party." lol)

*hugs everyone else that i missed* sorry if i missed you, it was not intentional at all.

I was feeling really badly after i went out last night, mostly because this guy was treating me like **** all night. He is new the group i was hanging with (its technically an engineering fraternity.. im not an engineer but i'm kinda adopted by the fraternity lol).. And he was so mean to me all night.. im pretty sure it was because he felt that i didn't really belong there. Whatever. I'm going out again tonight with mostly the same ppl, and i hope that he is not there. Anyway, I feel like i am going up and down way to easily these past few days. Its like one hour im okay and the next is horrible... feels kinda ridiculous. But, I haven't cut in over a week now, which is good i guess considering that i was cutting a lot for awhile there. I guess i knew that it had to stop tho b/c my rents will be up here next weekend for my initiation into the journalism honors society and i dont want them to see that anything is wrong.

*curls up*

You are right Laura . Almost a week is still something to be looked upon as a positive step right?
I hope the mean guy isn't there tonight and you have a good time too.
And its 8.08pm here in the UK

Hi Nicole *Hugs* hows you ?

not good. i should be in a real psych ward. i'm not safe. i dont think i can survive this week. *curls up again*

Mark - it is definitely a positive step! You can always try for a week again. You'll get there and then you'll go beyond a week.. and so on and so forth. :-)

*cuddles nicole gently* you can make it through hun. Im sorry that you are not safe. Keep posting in here if it'll help.

*Hugs Nicole* Whats the matter mate?

tuesday is the four year anniversary of when i was sexually abused. i can't make it through this week. i can't. i TOLD them, i told them i should be admitted, that i'm not safe. but they wouldnt listen....

*Hugs Nicole*

*clings to mark* i want to die. its the only way out.

*hugs nicole* it is not the only way out hun. You can fight these feelings. Can you tell anyone else in real life about how u r feeling?

No Don't die Nicole , we'd all miss you terribly , you WILL get through this week , one day at a time, one hour at a time , heck even one minute at a time you will totally make it . *Super charged Hugs*

*hugs you both.* mark-it's tuesday i'm worried about, if im like this now, what am i gonna be like then?? and laura-no, i cant tell anyone how i'm feeling right now. it would just hurt too much. right, im gonna try and calm myself down with a nice hot bath. byee.

I'm officially pooped , time for bed methinks. *Leaves hugs on the table*

'Nighty night Mark, pleasant dreams. *cuddles and tucks you up*

I've got a stomach ache, ugh. Hate it when this happens, usually does when I get back from my parents' because they make richer food than we do and I almost always overeat. :'(

Am so warm too, even though the apartment is cool. It's hot outside and I'm sitting next to a southern wall... which is pretty warm. Yuck.

I am so tired... don't want to do anything except sleep. :'( I hate being awake, it makes me think about things...

:(

*hugs april* i'm cold! could you package some of that warmth and send it over here?

Mark: I'm sorry you felt the need to cut, and did, look after it well and yourself. *huggles* well done on 6days. This time you'll do better, i'm sure. Rooting for you. *picks up hugs from table and leaves neatly wrapped and labeled pocket bag of magic healing hugs*. I think I should hit the sack too. otherwise i'll regret it when little lady is up at 3 am or something stupid, and hubby's not in until gone 6 tonight, so i'm all on my own *shivers*

Laura: Thank you for that dose of hope, I was in need of that *hugs back* Congratulations on not cutting for over a week, keep it up! *hands you hugs wrapped up in a box of confetti stars and mini champagne bottle bubbles*

Nicole: *comes up to nicole and sits with her* No dying. I don't do nice people dying. You'll be fine. I know it's going to be really hard, but what you need to remember is that it is just a date, numbers in a man-made calendar. I know it brings forth all the memories and feelings, but it's a tie you have to break. I know it probably wont happen for you this year, but one day i promise it will. After 5 years of hell every march it's now been 3 years for me now that the anniversary of the first time I was raped has passed without me noticing until afterwards that maybe I was a little down. It will get better hunny, don't give up on it now. Try looking on it from a different viewpoint, a positive one, counting the years you have been free of the abuse. The years you have survived. The years in which you have won. *gives you a well loved cuddly red polar bear* it's paulie, my friend of 14 years, he's very good at absorbing tears.

JK: Yeah, I'd ask, just to clarify what the meaning was, or why it was asked, a few things come to mind, and one or two are completely innocent and could put your mind at rest *cuddles back* Nice talking with you too. Thank you for leaving me my mink blankie, i was missing this *curls up in a ball* my hubby calls me the compost cat when I do this. I'm struggling... here goes the long answer..


I'm not too bad i guess, feeling tired of life in general. Anxious to do some work on healing me, but life just seems to be getting in the way. I'm so afraid of loosing my daughter if i ask for help, or if i tell anyone what really is going on in my head. I just dont know how to get the time and space i need. I'm afraid of breaking completely. I know i'm on the edge and there's nothing I can do about it. I havn't self-harmed in years, only once every 6-7 months, and I did the other day and I can't stop thinking about it again. I'm under so much pressure with baby, and so much emotional/mental strain from an ongoing police case that i'm afraid i'm just going to snap and be unmendable. *curls deeper into mink blankie* I dont know how to keep going.

wow so many pages
*higs everyone that likes cuddles and yawns*

Hi Julie *cuddles back* that yawn's contagious *yawns and rubs eyes*

i'm going to help these cute little boys with water conferdence is like 10 mins

i need life confidence.


edit: *sigh* just realised how depressive that sounded, then realised it's because I am depressed, which just depressed me further. I should give up and go to bed now. sorry.

*cuddles katnovia tight*

*sinks into julie's cuddle and cries a little*

*rubs ur back and strokes ur hair (only if it's ok to do that i wont if u dont want k hun)*

kat hun i have to go eat then get to the pool but i think ur an amazing person
all the people in this thread are amazing *huggles for all that like huggles*

*cuddles tighter* that's really nice. *sniffles* thank you for the shoulder to cry on and the cuddles.

*cuddles Kat and Julie*

I am watching Dr Who at the moment, so will come back and reply properly when its finished, I'm also trying to warm myself up, its cold outside with only jeans and a shirt on.

*cuddles all, then dashes off to finish watching dr who*

my shoulder is always free for u kat and for any one who needs it and i will grow extras if needed lol i'll grow a million shoulders for u guys k ur so nice and everything

*cuddles julie* you too hun.

*cuddles oliver back* I feel pathetic. All i'm doing with myself is sitting debating wether to go to bed or not. I'm tired, but I know the second my head hits the pillow baby will wake up and i'll have to go and feed her in the lonely dark and then sit by the cotside until goodness knows when. it's not that i resent being with her, its just that I'm tired of never getting any proper sleep when I try and missing the opportunities when I don't try.

me no like when baby hazs gets yp an kat tireded cos kat get upsets an me no get play or talk an get lonly. Rosie

I spy a Hayley, a Kat, and an Oliver!! *cuddles all*

Just ran my hubby through Deadmines, Hayley - 64 unholy death knight (me) and him on his 17-now-18 hunter. :) I was so freaking anxious at the beginning... I hate running dungeons and unholy isn't the best one for running dungeons. Frost is so much better. But anyway... it was in return for the 2 runs I've gotten from him (for my hunter & rogue)... fun. But anyway, how are you doing? did you manage to get some time on WoW last night? *squishes*

Mark, I know you're probably asleep by now - and resting peacefully, I hope - but I wanted to say, before I forgot, that I think you're absolutely incredible for going nearly a week without SI. This is a slip. Try not to let it get you down. Before you know it you'll have gone two weeks, then three without SI'ing. You can make it. :) I have faith in you... in all of us. *cuddles*

Kat *big cuddles if that's okay* I'm sorry that you're not doing too well at the mo... how old is your baby? if you don't mind me asking... I can see why you would be hesitant to go to bed but if you're tired maybe you ought to try and do and see if your baby doesn't wake up... and anyway, at least you might be able to get an hour or so's rest. That might rejuvenate you a bit, I dunno.

Oliver, hope you enjoyed (or are enjoying) Dr. Who. :) I can't wait until uni is officially over... then Jarrod & I can watch more Bones. I love that show but we haven't watched any since, like, January. Heh. I hope they're still up and free online, because I don't want to pay for the DVDs. Lol. Yeah, I'm a cheapskate... How are you feeling? *cuddles* Hope you're doing a bit better than you were last night.

Nicole, love, you'll make it through. I was sexually abused too and while I don't remember when it was, I can understand the meaning behind the date... but it shouldn't be, it's "just another day" - and as Kat said, time will pass and soon it WILL become just another day... and you'll feel vaguely sad... and then realize why, but only after the fact. It's an awful cliché and one that you hear all too often but time DOES heal. *holds you & rocks* How else have you been doing??

Julie *cuddles* I'm glad that you're doing alright - or seem to be alright anyway? - has your day been fun? Hope so... some of us need to be enjoying ourselves to spread the positivity around!! lol. Do enjoy going to the pool. :)

Laura, Kahlia, Crimson, JK, how are you all doing?? JK, sorry it doesn't seem like I'm responding to your post, it's just that I can't remember all that you said!! I would ask your therapist why s/he asked you that question though... because if you're able to hold down a fulltime job etc. without having too many difficulties then I don't see why s/he would ask that question. :-/ Sorry if that didn't make too much sense...

I hope I didn't miss anyone and if I did I really do apologize... my brain is all muzzy from the anxiety right now and typing is helping... so I think I'm just gonna keep typing!! lol. It's a way to get out the jitteriness without me moving physically (other than my fingers, of course).

The Deadmines run was really anxiety-provoking, didn't think that I could do it but I did, with only a minor blooper that was easily fixed. :-/ And I will definitely send you some of that warmth, Kat!! it's too hot over here for me. :-X Especially without a/c.

Umm, I can't think of anything else to type except the fact that I might be going into a mixed episode, I really don't know. (I'm bipolar II or NOS, not sure which, for those who don't know.) I don't WANT to go into a mixed episode because then I'm low enough to want to die and have energy enough to carry it out. :( I can feel the tension building though... if I can only make it through this week... :-S Finals - need to prep for them - and that dumb soc paper, really need to write that. Got a page done but that's not good enough... need at least nine pages. Plus the health psych paper... GRRRR!!!! :'(

*hides in a hole where no one can find her*

*cuddles Kat* it must be tough getting so little sleep because of your baby, what is there name?

*is still chilly, I'm sure there must be a fire in here somewhere, goes in hunt of one*

*cuddles April* yes dr who was good and next weeks looks amazing.
could you send me some of your warmth too, was sat outside having a drink with a friend in Canal Street, and forgot it gets cold in the evening and was only wearing shirt and jeans and am still trying to warm up.

I'm sorry you feel like you might be going into a mixed episode, even though I don't have bipolar I know what you mean with the feeling low enough to die, and having enough energy to do it, it really sucks, keep going hun, you an get through this, we're all here to support you
good luck with your upcoming finals

I spy Oliver and April! *huggles them tightly*

So sorry guys but I'm not up to doing individual replies tonight, I should have been medicated and in bed long ago, but I was out and not yet taken my meds as I needed to be awake enough to come on here...I needed to be on here so so badly earlier.

Thank you for all your kind words and support, I just find them hard to take at the moment, like you're just saying that to be nice but don't really mean it. But then, the little bit of sane hayley that's still here tries to slap sense into myself and listen to you.

*potentially SI triggerring and I don't know how to hide stuff*
When I was getting ready to go out earlier, I was soooo tempted to burn myself when ironing my clothes....for no real reason....I just had the urge over and over again. So I'm thinking, well where have those thoughts come from?! Oh yes, PMDD, so I have to talk to myself and convince myself that I don't really want to do it, its just my hormones sending me loopy. But, I so do want to do it. In 2days I'll be 10months free, so I'm thinking I'd rather do it before that anniversary and then I've only buggerred up 9months rather than 10months....but then I've got to try and remember that in 2weeks time I'll be on the way to being sane again and I don't want to undo all of my hard work so far. I'm just worried that in a few days the sane part of me that is managing to talk myself out of things at the moment will be to weak and quiet. Eoghan's away on exercise for a week so I was thinking I could get away with being 'naughty' and he wouldn't need to know.....

*banishes self to smoking shelter for the night*

*cuddles hayley tight before she escapes out to the smoking shelter* i wish i had more than that for you.

Oliver: I have a mink blankie, i'm so cold. I wish hubby was here.*huddles under it* Her name is Hazel-Grace. or baby haz/muppet/fish/hazel-gracie-bumps

*cuddles april back* She's 7 1/2 months old and has hit a no sleep patch since 5 months, she's completely mummy dependant cos I breast-feed and hubby works unpredictable hours (darn police force) so i'm the only constant thing in her life. I'm used to bad nights with nightmares, especially at the moment. but being woken in the middle of them by a crying baby is really screwing me up.

*hugs* I really hope that you arn't going into a mixed episode, but if you are, then I hope that you stay strong and get through it, which I'm sure you will.

Oh Hayley, love, we don't lie to each other in here... I wouldn't say nice things just to be nice. I'm honest, if nothing else good, lol. And you are a sweet, lovely person, and WILL make it through this. Just keep holding on to the fact that it's the PMDD that's making you that way... and you've come so far, 9 months is amazing!!!!, and 10 months is soo close... you can make it, sweetie. Keep fighting, keep coming on here when you can, and remember that we're all rooting for you. *big cuddles*

*cuddles Oliver* Mmm what sort of hot drink did you have? :) And yeh, I bet it still does get cold over there, it's just barely May. I'm sorry that you understand what I'm talking about... although kind of glad that someone does... :( I just texted my NP about it and hopefully she'll get back to me about it. It might be lack of sleep, I don't know, as we've been staying up a lot later than we did before Jarrod was on furlough and getting up only a little later. GRRRR. :( Sorry for whinging...

*hides some more* :crying:

i've been saying for ages i should hit the sack, im now falling apart with tiredness. the girls are going mad because they're so tired and i have such a headache it's stupid. I need to hit the pillow. I wish someone was here I'm afraid of tonight. *curls up in a ball* i have to sleep. I have to. but i know hazel is going to wake up just as I settle.

i give in. wish me luck *crawls to bed and cries self to sleep*

well I had a diet coke while I was out with my friend in canal street, and then a hot chocolate at home, yeah it odes get really cold in the evenings, which I forgot about, my friend asked if I wanted to go for a drink on canal street after youth group, so I said yeah ok, and was wearing long sleeve t-shirt and a hoody and was boiling, because it was sunny, so went home and changed into a shirt and cos it was so warm we decided to sit outside, but then it starts getting really windy and suddenly in the evening the temp suddenly drops loads.

*cuddles Hayley* I agree with April, we dont say things we dont mean in here, I think all of you are amazing and its the truth. keep fighting 9months is amazing and your so close to 10, you can do it, yeah like April said, just think its the PMDD making me think like that.

*cuddles Kat* night, I hope you manage to get some sleep, and thats a beautiful name for your baby.

*shivers in a corner*

*comes in from smoking shelter as there's a thunderstorm - eek!*

Good luck with getting some sleep Kat. Thanks for the cuddles.

Thanks April for the cuddles and honesty too.

I've just tried writing a journal entry to see if that'd help, but not really. I'm starting to twitch aswell (a lovely symptom of M.E) so I should really take my meds now, they make me drowsy, so perhaps sleep would be best for me.

*takes meds and toddles down to the bathroom to get ready for bed*

edit: ooh thanks for the cuddles Oliver. Yeah I do actually have a post it note on my mirror saying "I AM NOT LOOSING THE PLOT OR THE WILL TO LIVE. I AM HOWEVER PMDD'IN" in bright red marker pen....however.....I looked at it earlier and thought "yeah right, whatever!" lol

*comes out of bathroom, back into common room*

aha! I see Helen and Laura have joined us :-) *huggles them both tightly* Sorry I've not more at the moment.

RightyO my fellow wardies, I'm grabbing my teddy bear and going to snuggle down over there *points* with my earplugs in so that I don't freak out too much in the storm. This ward is amazing with all its time zones and weather systems *mind boggles* :crazy:

Night/morning/afternoon/evening all! :-p*group huggle* I hope I'm a bit more on an even keel after a good nights sleep.

arghh! the thunder is getting louder :cry:

night hayley, hope you have a good sleep.

*cuddles everyone and then hides*