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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

effervescence 25-05-2008 11:43 AM

i've had 17 days of no therapy....and i can't hold on for much longer. i am very suicidal today, and im freaking out because of exams and the amount of work i have to do.
want to cut.
want to do other things that i can't write here without hiding it and cant be bothered.
4 days till i see my psychologist for one hour. its not enough.
can i make 4 days?
do i have to?

effervescence 25-05-2008 11:58 AM

****POTENTIAL TRIGGER****











if i died, none of you would know, you would all just wonder where i was for a few days then i guess just think i must have left or whatever.....you would never know what happened, nobody would ever find out.

just a thought.

Jetforce 25-05-2008 01:04 PM

*cuddles chloe*

Ur not going to do anything stupid there :-P

Pomegranate 25-05-2008 01:46 PM

*hugs Chloe* Don't leave us hun, of course you can make it 4 days!!

-------
I may actually be dying. I feel ****, physically and emotionally. I am shaky, upset stomach and I can't hold down even water without throwing up. In short hang over from hell coupled with about 3.5 hours sleep. And now I have to leave for A+E. Crap.

blondiebear 25-05-2008 02:38 PM

Cuddles everyone.

I dozed much of the way from our home which is 60 miles south of Los Angeles, to Flagstaff Arizona. Except when my dearest husband aka mr trivia, decided there was something that we were passing that we just had to see. I love him, really I do. But every so often I want to hit him over the head with a clue.

More cuddles all around

dark_light 25-05-2008 04:06 PM

Just popping in to hand out massive cuddles for everyone
I'm going to visit my family tonight which i'm nervous about... already feel like cutting, being in hospital only thing thats stopping me.
Take care everyone xxxxx

Jetforce 25-05-2008 04:49 PM

*cuddles Jo*

Ur in hosp for possibly one reason...to stay safe

I hope u take care of urself there and hope ur family doesn't react too harshly with u in hosp! Tc hon!! special loves for u xxx

~*forever_broken*~ 25-05-2008 04:59 PM

*snuggles Chloe*
Chloe luv, please make it those four days hunni. Please. I'm sorry it's been so long since your last appointment and I'm sorry you're feeling so awful but despite what you believe... I think we would know if you died. It might take a day or two to be sure but I know I for one am pretty good at sensing when something really bad happenes/happened to those I care about.
Please take care, dear heart.

*hugs* Hana, I'm sorry to hear about your friend problems. Sounds like she's behaved very irresponsibly... Also sounds like there may be something more behind it for her to be taking such risks. It also sounds like you're feeling stretched pretty thin and a bit used..? *snuggles* I'm sorry sweetie...
--------------------
Well, it's about two and a half hours earlier this morning than when I got up yesterday... And I am SO exhausted :-( didn't sleep very well last night.
Ugh, and am completely frustrated as I haven't taken my meds for four (today will make five) days and I STILL don't feel bad enough to... Well, yeah...

*retreats to her corner with her blanket and stuffed sheep for a bit of a nap*

~*forever_broken*~ 25-05-2008 05:03 PM

*hugs Jo*
Hope the visit goes well luv... I am sorry that you're nervous about it, that can't make things any easier...

dark_light 25-05-2008 05:53 PM

Thanks for the hugs x

Chloe we would all be devestated if you died and we would realise, please hold on to that.

Its just hard explaining why i'm still in there, its been a long time and they think i should be better by now

*hugs everyone tight*

Jetforce 25-05-2008 06:16 PM

*cuddles u back and then walks to the corner of the psych ward and curls up in fetal position*

Man i feel like sh*t :S

MammaMia 25-05-2008 07:30 PM

*hugs everyone*

Chloe, everyone is right. We'd know and miss you so so so much :(

Emma, Ally, how you feeling girls?

Jo *snuggles*

Jermery, whats up?

I'm increadibly sucidial....and drinking isn't going to help that. Cannot wait to sleep all day tomorrow. Shame that I probs won't die in my sleep.

zowie 25-05-2008 08:39 PM

Hi everyone. *Smiles weakly* How's everyone doing today?
I feel...tired. I just want to make everything go away :(
x

dark_light 25-05-2008 09:40 PM

wow being with my family is hard, its like so hard to pretend i'm ok when i'm feeling so bad inside.

*huggles helen* how come you feel so bad? drinking will make it worse, but i guess you know that

*hugs zowie*

~*forever_broken*~ 25-05-2008 10:33 PM

*snuggles Chloe, Helen, Hana, Jo, Jeremy, Blondie-Mom, and anyone else I've missed*

Helen, luv, I wish I could fix this for you. You know drinking won't do anything but make things worse.. Please be careful luv.

Jo, I'm sorry family time is so hard. I completely understand how draining family can be, and I'm sorry hun. *snuggles*

Zowie, sweetie, come on over to my corner here *pats pile of blankets*. I'm exhausted as well... Sounds like we're feeling about the same. I'm thinking it's nap time hun.
---------------
I've been up for five hours, not because I was really awake, I could definitely have slept longer, and SO wanted to. And not because I've got the energy to be up and about and doing things (I've got none tbh). I'm up simple because I have to be. I am woefully behind on uni work with three large papers due the end of this week and exams next week... And I've got to graduate. I need to find an apartment and a job still and so I've got to kick my butt into gear no matter how little energy or will I have. *sigh

*retreats to her corner with her book and articles on paraphelias, blanket, pillow, and coffee*

dark_light 25-05-2008 10:53 PM

I am so tired and drained but i can't settle to anything, can't focus. Need to cut gonna have to settle for a sleeping tablet and bed i think. Really hope it works.
*goodnight hugs for everyone*
hope you all sleep well, sounds like we all need it! x

lil-princess 25-05-2008 10:57 PM

Heya everyone :)

How ya all doing tonight??

You wanna talk about anything jo?? i'm here if you do *hugs* i'm around if anyone wants to chat.

_______

I'm not feeling to great myself but i'm trying to put all my problems to the back of my mind but it's proving quite hard but if anyone needs to talk i'm happy to listen and try and help out.

BoundNoMore 25-05-2008 11:34 PM

*hugs lil-princess back*
thanks hun... I really needed that

blondiebear 26-05-2008 02:37 AM

One of these days I will catch up on sleep. I hope.

Mellow day, pretty country with high elevation desert scrub and bunch grass, junipers and pinion pines when we go higher. Layered limestone cliffs in the background. We're in the red rock country that is featured in so many western movies.

Hugs all around!

~*forever_broken*~ 26-05-2008 06:09 AM

Cut on my wrist... Not deep enough... Not even deep enough to get some satisfactory bleeding going on... Ugh, I am such a coward... ****ing meds... You'd think after five days not taking them... All I've gotten out of that is a marked lack of energy (not that I had much before) to the point where I sleep most of the day... Not exactly conducive to writing three ten page papers by the end of the week...

*curls up in her corner and goes to sleep... Hoping she won't wake up... Knowing she's not that lucky*

BoundNoMore 26-05-2008 06:12 AM

*strokes forever_lost's hair while she sleeps.
You are not a coward.

effervescence 26-05-2008 08:13 AM

Thanks everyone.
I really appreciate hearing you say (well, type :p) those nice things.

Ally, it sucks to be behind in your work. I am sure you will graduate honey! You CAN do this and then you can really be one of "those of us in the field of psychology" :D
Maybe it's time to take your meds hun. Cos they aren't helping you do bad things, and they might help you to handle these next couple of weeks with papers and exams etc. PLease think about it?

Jo how was visiting family?

Jem how was your day?

Hey Amanda - how are you doing today?

Susan! Start sleeping! Seriously, tell your husband to enjoy his trivia and take lots of artistic photos of it while you sleep and he can show you them later on.

effervescence 26-05-2008 08:18 AM

The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering SI
I sat with a blade pressed against my arm for about half an hr last night. Dragged it back and forth with the blade sideways on - left an impression but didn't cut.

I don't know whether to be pleased or not, i think the only reason i managed to stop myself was i don't have the energy to physically deal with it afterwards. but i dunno. i just hate the fact that no matter how hard i try the SI is always there in my mind, taunting me, just waiting for an opportunity, when i am in the right mood not to care about all the negatives.

I have stuffed myself with junk food the last 2 days. and i really mean stuffed. i cant stop eating. i feel disgusting.

Jetforce 26-05-2008 09:30 AM

I'm okies i guess chloe
Stayed safe but had a terrible night i guess?

Glad u didn't cut :) well done for fighting off ur urges *hugs u*

blondiebear 26-05-2008 12:39 PM

Chloe, I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad.
*hugs chloe and Ally*
I'm no more able to convince my husband to let me sleep than I am able to get him to change his behavior to accommodate my worsening hearing problems. Yet the alarm clock went of 40 minutes ago and he is still in bed. Where I wish I was. Yes, an alarm clock on vacation. Don't want to miss any sight seeing! Only I can't see anything if I'm sleeping on the road!

MammaMia 26-05-2008 02:27 PM

I'm kinda tired, even though I had so much sleep. I'm feeling run down aswell I think. I still feel really sucidical oh well. It is soooooooooooo windy outside. I should really go pick up the immense amounts of rubbish that is flying around but I don't know what to do with it lol. :S Yes I'm strange, nah it's cus I'm thinking it'll just fly away again later. Might go outside and see what I can do then :)

*hugs to everyone* You all okay?

Chloe, well done for still fighting the urges. You CAAAAN do this.

Ally, maybe you should start taking meds again? Just to help you get through those papers and then exams? I know how stressful they are, and I'm not in uni yet hehe. *snuggles* Is there nobody at college who can help you look for a place to live? xx

Susan, wow your husband is lazy!!!!

irkeninvader 26-05-2008 04:14 PM

*pops in to hug everyone* Hope you're all doing okay

zowie 26-05-2008 05:50 PM

*Joins forever_lost in her corner and snuggles up under the blanket*

zowie 26-05-2008 05:58 PM

I don't want to live without him
*Cries her heart out*

~*forever_broken*~ 26-05-2008 08:03 PM

SO ****ing tired :-( too much to do, no energy what so ever to use to do it...

On the bright side, cutting this morning was much more 'successful' than was last nights attempt...

*settles into her corner with blanket, books, and LOTS of coffee*

~*forever_broken*~ 26-05-2008 08:13 PM

*snuggles Zowie, offers stuffed lamb and/or cat cuddles -as my cat is pretty cuddly atm-*
Live without who luv?

MammaMia 26-05-2008 08:55 PM

*snuggles Ally*

Did you see my other post to you hun?

~*forever_broken*~ 26-05-2008 09:28 PM

*snuggles Helen back*
About meds? Yeah, just loading up on caffeine instead. By the time I start to benefit from the meds again it'll all be over so... Yeah.

How goes it all? Pretty quiet here today.

*returns to her reading on sexual sadism- ah the life of a psychology student*

~*forever_broken*~ 26-05-2008 10:13 PM

I cried... Six days without any of my meds and I cried. Not like I wanted to but I haven't even been able to come close in quite a while now... Ok, actually I didn't get any tears out at all but I came close... They were there.. God, why can't I just cry?! I so want to:crying:

Detour. Derail 26-05-2008 10:17 PM

*sneaks in unseen*

irkeninvader 26-05-2008 10:20 PM

*hugs forever lost* you okay hun?

*spots Alexx* ah-hah!

Detour. Derail 26-05-2008 10:27 PM

no..you didnt spot me...I'm not worth existance..im not here....*hides under a blanket*

~*forever_broken*~ 26-05-2008 10:28 PM

*shrugs* I'm just... *sigh* I don't know, probably my fault for being off my meds for almost a week... I'll live, I suppose... Hmmm, darn.

*throws a pillow at Alexx* 'sup luv?

~*forever_broken*~ 26-05-2008 10:31 PM

Ah, but the blanket you are under just happened to be in my corner and now you're stuck *snuggles* what's wrong hun?

Detour. Derail 26-05-2008 10:39 PM

*cries and huggles her big sis*
I dont want to feel sad anymore...I want him to realise...he either wants me or he doesnt..i cant keep switching between him blowing hot and cold all the time...but i dont want to give up incase i miss out on a chance...
I want to feel loved....I dont want to be single anymore...I cant function when im on my own because im that ****ing pathetic...if he'd just TEXT me....just to say night....I'd feel so much better...but he didnt.
I dont think anyone cares....
Im one of those people who cant be loved...
maybe if i was thinner, prettier, less arhumentitative....anything...maybe if I change...itll all be better...

God....a few days ago...I was stood on the 5th floor of a car park...feeling the wind in my hair...I could have jumped....

I should have...

*rocks*

Automatik Teknicolour 26-05-2008 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reason[TO]Believe (Post 793881)

God....a few days ago...I was stood on the 5th floor of a car park...feeling the wind in my hair...I could have jumped....

I should have...

I'm glad you didn't.

~*forever_broken*~ 26-05-2008 11:08 PM

Oh hun *snuggles Alexx*
Sounds to me like he needs a good swift kick in the pants. It also sounds like you need to take a better look in the mirror. You don't need to be prettier or thinner or anything else like that. You are already beautiful and certainly thin enough. Sweetie it seems to me that it is his problem... However you are the one feeling the loss. He'll recognise it in time but by then it will be too late as you will have realised your worth and become able to move on and find someone better, someone worthy because they see you for the treasure you are.

*snuggles again* and I agree with Jess... I am glad you didn't jump.

Pomegranate 26-05-2008 11:11 PM

I...just...I just don't know. I just can't...I don't want to anymore. I can't keep doing this forever. I can't. But I can't change either, I don't know how to. I'm sick of this.
*goes back to trying to study Homer, Virgil, Milton and Walcott*


....... *sigh*

Pomegranate 26-05-2008 11:22 PM

Crap, ****. I also just accidentally sent an email of me whining by accident to my mental health co-ordinator. Just typing what I felt before deleting it to write the actual point of what I wanted to say but instead of deleting it I accidentally sent it. She is going to think I am completely mental. Damn it. Can't bloody do anything right.

~*forever_broken*~ 26-05-2008 11:26 PM

*snuggles Emma* I'm sorry sweetie, I wish I could offer some advice but I've got nothing. I understand though. *passes her wine to Emma before returning to her books and articles on paraphelias* ah, sexual abnormalities:pinch: just what I want to be studying atm... Well, at least these folks are more ****ed up than we are *shrug*

MammaMia 26-05-2008 11:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~*forever_lost*~ (Post 793692)
*snuggles Helen back*
About meds? Yeah, just loading up on caffeine instead. By the time I start to benefit from the meds again it'll all be over so... Yeah.

Ah fair enough. *snuggles*

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~*forever_lost*~ (Post 793817)
Ok, actually I didn't get any tears out at all but I came close... They were there.. God, why can't I just cry?! I so want to:crying:

I know how that feels and how frusrating it is. I need to cry and haven't in ages. Yet when I have a good cry, I know it won't happen for ages...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reason[TO]Believe (Post 793881)
I could have jumped....

I should have...

I'm glad you didn't Alex. *snuggles lots*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pomegranate (Post 793969)
I...just...I just don't know. I just can't...I don't want to anymore. I can't keep doing this forever. I can't. But I can't change either, I don't know how to. I'm sick of this.

*hugs lots and lots if you want them*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pomegranate (Post 794000)
Crap, ****. I also just accidentally sent an email of me whining by accident to my mental health co-ordinator. Just typing what I felt before deleting it to write the actual point of what I wanted to say but instead of deleting it I accidentally sent it. She is going to think I am completely mental. Damn it. Can't bloody do anything right.

Maybe this wil help you in the long run hun? There's been times where I've written things out to people and wishing I had sent them...but I've sent an email before to Julie....wishing I hadn't at the time...but now I'm glad I did.

Detour. Derail 26-05-2008 11:39 PM

Thanks Ally..and Jess *hugs you both*

I've just gone from being morbidly depressed....crying in the dark and planning an escape...to sitting smiling to myself...I mean....WHATTHEHELL

scaryscaryscary film with a suicidal kid. Oh noes.

MammaMia 26-05-2008 11:41 PM

Me...? I'm empty and still wanna die. But beginning to really look forward to Emma's party and finding out if I'm a supporter. If I'm not...it'll make next week ten times worse >.< GAH!

Let me go.

MammaMia 26-05-2008 11:43 PM

Alex, you watching that film on ITV? I've just turned it on :S

Auburn Shadow 27-05-2008 12:03 AM

*hugs everyone who wants/needs*
Don't have much time on here just now, but wanted to make sure everyone's ok (as can be) and I'll be back in about an hour or so to talk.

Take care guys.

xxx


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