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FlyingNy 01-08-2010 11:12 PM

Hey all.

No Helen, that's not the reason. I can't explain. I just am.

I'm glad you're a little better today Mark and I really hope the depression doesn't come back for tomorrow. We're here to support you if it does though. :)

April- your song really is relaxing, it's lovely, but keeps being spoiled by the 'do du' of msn everytime I get a message. Do you have anymore like it? Thanks for sharing. And thank you for the things you said. I like to think I help people here, but I don't really seem to make much difference. I hope you're feeling a bit better now and the epic music helped to calm you. Did you ever go for that hike?

Helen- I'm glad things seem to be going well with your dad and his parnter and at least they know now so the telling them is over :) Really well done on getting through this, I completly freaked when it was me and cut and had a panic attack and refused to speak to my friend for weeks.


MammaMia 01-08-2010 11:46 PM


Originally Posted by Scarletdreamer (Post 2428625)
Hels, hon, I'm so glad that it turned out as well as it did!! :) I bet you're upset and all right now, I would be too having to dredge all that up from your past etc., but well done!! I told you that you could do it. :D So very proud of you. <3 And I'm glad that your dad's not upset at you... don't see how he could be really but keep on hanging in there, and hopefully you'll get to see him soon & get a nice big bear hug. *gentle cuddles*

Thank you April. I am upset and all, been crying for hours on/off. Still haven't stopped yet. I didn't tell them much really, just basic stuff..but gets the message across? Thank you for being proud. It's not fully sunk in yet that I've told. My bestie said it's probably shock. Yeah, seeing him & J tomorrow evening. *cuddles back*


Originally Posted by IceQueenHasAHeart (Post 2428710)
No Helen, that's not the reason. I can't explain. I just am.

Helen- I'm glad things seem to be going well with your dad and his parnter and at least they know now so the telling them is over :) Really well done on getting through this, I completly freaked when it was me and cut and had a panic attack and refused to speak to my friend for weeks.


Respect that you can't tell me, but you're really not honey.

Thanks Lia. I just keep crying and getting angry aswell :S So yeah...handling it safely. J at one point said they needed to know I was ok (think they've needed to know that all day to be honest) and I was honest and said to say I am, would be a lie, but I would be safe til I saw them tomorrow night...

frenchhorn 02-08-2010 12:09 AM

*hugs all*

Luke I'm really sorry that happened to you.

Mark I hope sleep helps, sorry you cut and as others have said keep it clean

Hels I'm really glad you dad isn't upset with you and yes like April said really brave to tell him so much, proud of you.

April-did you manage to get out for a hike today? also nice song, and I have no objection to music which has religious content, some sacred music is amazing, the requiems by Mozart and Britten, also do you know Allegri's Miserere, so beautiful.

I feel dead inside, been staring at the screen for the last few minutes, just nothing, don't know how I am meant to feel, but its not good, feel hurt in a way I guess, but don't know what to think.

MammaMia 02-08-2010 12:12 AM

Thanks Oliver, means a lot. Don't intend on telling anyone else in my family now. My mum knows (told her last April), my eldest sister, possibly two others of my sisters and that's pretty much it :S Nobody else needs to know....

*curls up*

Scarletdreamer 02-08-2010 12:48 AM

*cuddles Oliver & Hels* Oliver, what do you mean, how you "should" feel?? There is no "should" to feelings, except in some situations... and even then they can be flighty - they're feelings after all. Sorry if that seems rather blunt or offensive, just how I see it... I guess I just don't want you to feel like you "must" feel a certain way when whatever happens. If that makes sense? Anyway... what has happened? anything in particular that's making you not know how to feel, can you pinpoint it??

Hels, once again, must say, very proud of you. :) Well done. <3 Are you feeling any better now?? and I'm glad that you were honest with your dad & J. :)

To answer the question that several have asked me (okay, maybe two people, lol - but they still count!! :P) - nope, Jarrod & I did not get out for a walk today because it rained. Poop. I hate rain. But it did cool the air down some. Will be getting ready for bed shortly, which will be good... and then tomorrow comes & I've got to not ****ing sleep the day away... because I've got to clean, because God forbid, I've got company coming the next day and my parents will be horrified if they find out that I didn't clean up much. >_<

Sorry, end of rant. :(

I still don't really know how I'm feeling... funny. Tired, I guess. Probably, like Mark, the safest and best place for me right now is bed. Will be taking showers in a bit, as soon as I hang up my clothes to dry from doing laundry. Ugh. Hate doing that as I feel like I must be so finnicky in hanging them up precisely straight & all. Touch of OCD, heh. Stupid me.

*hides in a hole and cries some more*

frenchhorn 02-08-2010 12:58 AM

*hugs April* No that didn't sound blunt or offensive, your right, there is no should do how anyone should feel. I do know exactly whay it is, I shouldn't say, I want to in a way, but it involved me doing something I really shouldn't have done, **** I don't know

sorry you didn't get out for your hike, and cleaning sucks, my mum keeps looking at my room in such a disgusted way


Scarletdreamer 02-08-2010 01:04 AM

Aw, Oliver, don't say if you don't feel comfortable saying, but my PM box/FB inbox are always open. As are many other people's on here, I'm sure, who will support you. *hugs*

Oh and Lia, wanted to tell you to just search "Anonymous 4 chants" or something similar in YouTube, should pull up some good songs. Anonymous 4 is - believe it or not - the name of the group. :) It's 4 women who usually sing acapella... I was introduced to their music in my Women & Spirituality class last spring and fell in LOVE with it!! :D It is so calming... :)

*glomps Jess, Hels, Lia, and Kahlia, since I spy them!!*

MammaMia 02-08-2010 01:06 AM


Originally Posted by Scarletdreamer (Post 2428843)
Hels, once again, must say, very proud of you. :) Well done. <3 Are you feeling any better now?? and I'm glad that you were honest with your dad & J. :)

Thank you darling. I do feel a little better, think I've finally stopped crying...

FlyingNy 02-08-2010 01:59 AM

Hey. Glad you're feeling better Helen. :)

*Hugs April and Oliver* Sorry, way too tired for anything else right now.

Does anyone ever just want to cry, but physically can't?


misskitty112 02-08-2010 02:34 AM

Lia, all the time *hugs* I'm sorry you feel that way.

I miss my dad so much right now, I want to revert back to my childhood years and write a letter to him on a balloon, release it and hope it makes it to him in heaven. I know it won't though. I don't see why I would do that... I just want to talk to him so badly.

frenchhorn 02-08-2010 02:43 AM

*hugs Lia* yeah I know the feeling, wanting to cry but can't, its really horrible.

*hugs April* thanks, I feel ashamed of what I did, I shouldn't have done, but what I found out by doing it has made me feel hurt, but I'm not sure what is going on and I can't say anything to the person becaise then they will know what I have done. grrrr sorry I'm rambling ****, **** I just don't know what to do.

*hugs Hels* glad your feeling a little better

*hugs Felicia* I'm really sorry your missing your dad

Kahlia1981 02-08-2010 03:08 AM

Hello all. I'm sorry I haven't been around too much lately. Really I've just been dropping in to give quick hugs and a very self-centered update and that's about it. I've been a very bad ward-mate and I'm really sorry.

But there's something I wanted to let you all know about. I'm going to chuck it behind a HIDE because I know that suicide is a very touchy subject - don't worry I'm not talking about mine, I'm talking about a reactin to it - and I don't want to risk anyone, even though this is definitely in a positive sense.

Having said that the mere mention at the start won't be so positive, and I would rather protect you all, then risk someone getting triggered, because you guys mean so much to me. And no I am not just saying that. I may not be able to show it at times, but it's true.

Anyway, here goes. . .
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Ex-boyfriends suicide(s) (1997)/(1999) and residual feelings/dealing with it
Back in 1997 when I was in Grade 11 I was deeply into a romantic relationship with a young gentlement who, like me, had suffered through several years of various types of abuse. It was probably what brought us together (so to speak). You know, someone to undersand. Anyway, one day he killed himself ... and I found him. Not a most pleasant sight.

The first thing I did was try to clean up the mess. Sort of a cross between a "if I can clean it up it never happened" mindset, but also a "I can't deal with this, so let's deal with what I can deal with" mindset.

Anyway, time and grief moved on to make it to the 2 years mark and then his best friend - who was also my best friend - did exactly the same thing. Not only that, but it was on exactly the same day of the year. The first of August.

Nortoriously August first has been difficult for me. I've struggled with the will to live, constantly making repeated su attempts because I didn't know how else to deal with the pain and heartache.

Then something happened. I don't know if it was just time, or perhaps the realisation that no matter what I did I couldn't have changed anything, but it got easier.
The reason that I bring this up? Yesterday was the "dreaded" August 1st and although I feel hurt and some pain, I felt no desire to do anything dangerous. It's the first time since these "incidents" happened. I feel a little uneasy about - but I guess that would be normal considering I have had these feelings and urges/sensations for so long. But still ... a major improvement.

Maybe things can get better with time?

frenchhorn 02-08-2010 03:27 AM

*hugs Kahlia* I'm sorry to hear your story, but I'm glad to hear things are getting a little easier and I'm glad youu felt no desire to do anything dangerous.

I've updated my rv thread, which explains why I feel hurt and angry. sorry I swear a lot in it, just to warn people, shouldn't be any triggers.

FlyingNy 02-08-2010 08:58 AM

Morning wardies. Why I'm up before noon I'll never know. Sleep just seems like such a waste of time.

How's everyone this morning?


Doikers 02-08-2010 10:35 AM

Kahlia *Hugs* I'm sorry about your friends but am glad you didn't feel the urge to do anything dangerous yesterday.

*Hugs everyone else*

Lia , you are up EARLY heh.

Doikers 02-08-2010 10:43 AM

*Spots Helen and Hugs* How are you this morning? I'm glad it went ok okay with your Dad and his partner :)

Doikers 02-08-2010 10:55 AM

*hugs Oliver* I read your R/V thread, I think that was very unfair of him , I can understand how you would feel angry :( sorry I don't have a ton of help to offer :S

Scarletdreamer 02-08-2010 11:31 AM

Good morning, everyone. :)

Oliver, I'll try & read your r/v in a bit, once I'm done typing here. *hugs gently*

Mark, how're you? *cuddles* Hope you slept okay last night.

Hels, how're you doing this morning? Glad you managed to stop crying, but remember, crying's okay. Gets annoying being a "tear fountain" - I know, heh, been one lately - but it's better than doing something unhealthy. *cuddles gently*

Lia, how're you, hon? *hugs*

Kahlia, so sorry to hear your story - what a lot of heartache!! - but I'm SO GLAD that you managed to get through 1 August without feeling any urges!! That is so fantastic. Yes, with time things can get better. :) Cliché but true, I think. *cuddles*

Felicia, so sorry you're missing your dad right now. :( *huggles* If you need to talk any one of us are here, ready to listen. Hang in there, love.

I'm exhausted & I just got up!! (something's wrong with this picture) >_< Well, okay, half an hour ago, but I'm yawning like I haven't slept in DAYS. Ugh. Hate being so fatigued & sleepy all of the time. :(

One day's dose of Tegretol left. Then... nothing. Can't cut it in half or else I would (it's a capsule not a tablet)... grrrr. I hope that the meds come in the mail either today or tomorrow!! :-/ I'm kinda scared to go off it even though I have been tapering down... stupid stupid me. >_<

*curls up next to Mark & dozes for awhile* :(

MammaMia 02-08-2010 11:34 AM

I'm low and exhausted. Already had texts off them both and a phone call from my Dad. Only this popular because of that text & email :/ Trying not to be nervous about seeing them later argh :S

*cuddles everyone*

EDIT: April, yes better be a tear fountain than doing something bad....

Doikers 02-08-2010 12:01 PM

April, It took an age to get to sleep last night but once I was asleep I slept okay:) Today I'm not Okay , not as bad as I thought I would be but I feel NUMB , that is the absense of most feelings exept being low from time to time . Hmmm . I doubt I'll get through the day S.I. free but I'll try to.
I hope your meds come soon . Thats not a nice position to be in waiting on meds.

*Puts blanket on April as she dozes next to me*

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