*hugs everyone* hope you're all doing better - sorry my brain's not awake enough for the individual replies you all deserve :(

i hate myself. and alcohol. and cigarettes. but mostly myself. good times.
*snuggles under a blanket to sleep*

*curls up*

well. i went. IOP means intensive outpatient. i was shaking so bad. my stomach was in knots. my friend came with me and i wouldn't have gone in if it weren't for her. the lady asked me so many questions and it was so hard. i am exhausted. do you believe she asked to see my wounds?!?!?! how is that relevant? anyways. it was a positive experience mostly and now i have to decide if i am going to do the program. i am leaning towards yes. but i can be swayed to "no" in the blink of an eye. i would have to start on Monday and it would be for one week everyday from 9-1. this sounds good to me, but it means that i have to take off a week from work. that doesn't sound good to me. so...everyone else in my life says to do it. i think i am a piece of **** who doesn't deserve to spend a week caring for myself. also...could this seal the deal on my job? will they hate me even more for taking off?

too much in my head. i need to sleep. want to hurt self. release.

*hugs quiet1, helen and laurastar*

*cuddles everyone* me going into a safe corner, got bad flashback and then panic attack in rehearsal, so had to leave for a bit, everyone all staring at him, not nice.

*cuddles Oliver and holds on as long as needed*

*huggles everyone and then tries to disappear into the probability matrix*

*Hugs for you all*
I have a Psychcologist appointment this morning and am anxious which is odd as I'm not usually anxious with her , I feel ill and flat , grrr . I HATE feeling flat.

Good luck with it!

Hope ur psych gives u some strategies that will hopefully help u in the long run!

*hugs everyone*

It's been a big couple of days ...

Yesterday I got the results of my shoulder x-ray and ultrasound. It showed that:
1. My shoulder is slightly curved
2. My humerous sits forward in the shoulder
3. There is an inflammation in the bursa (fluid filled sac through which all the tendons etc travel)
4. Both the bursa and the supraspinatus tendon are impinged (the supraspinatus is part of the rotator cuff)

It may not have been nice information to receive, but at least there is actually something wrong with my shoulder.

Today I had an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist. He has put me on Topiramate but not touched my other medication at this stage. It was a very intense, 45 minute session with him. Discussing the three remaining drug choices, what has been happening, working out a Plan B, trying to set something up so that if I come out of this depression and decide that I don't want to go back there something will be in place so that I don't make a suicide attempt.

Unfortunately the drug is damned expensive. The pharmacist told me $39.95 and then when the drug was put in front of me ... it was $45.85. I was so pissed off that I flipped into my "I'm going to f****** kill someone and I don't care whether it's me or someone else" mood. My housemate asked me why I was suddenly so happy but wouldn't buy my answer .... that kind of sobered me back down again.

Meh. So over this depression.

*leaves hugs for everyone along with a lamington sponge roll*

*cuddles everyone*

Ugh , I've stocked up on alcohol but tonight is gonna be the last night I drink , I just have to today to numb the triggering thoughts and urges , please don't judge me too harshly . I hope it's ok to post this in here , My hands are shaking grrrrr.

*pops in to cuddle everyone*

Mark - we dont judge. We are all here to offer support to each other. Hope u are alright, be careful with the drinking.

Still thinking of all of you. Going to talk to my ex tomorrow. I have talked to him since we broke up but i think now its time for a real conversation... not just awkward moments and me wanting to cry. I think i may try to disappear after i'm done with undergrad. Not from here and maybe not completely, but i think i may move far away... start over.. Idk.. just something i'm thinking about

Hope everyone is alright.
*leaves more hugs*

ugg...
*hides in a corner and cries till the point of passing out*

Damn I am so triggered.
NO-one to stop me.
TheSimpsons triggered me ffs.
I'll try and not harm but I can't promise.

Mark - hold on hon, and stick to Futurama (that's the second time I've read that you said the Simpsons triggered you!) and, y know... just be careful xx

Kahlia - hope the shoulder's not causing too much pain - I didn't even understand points 2-4 of what's wrong with it :confused: and I hope the new meds work out and you don't/didn't kill anyone xx

Fallinstar - good luck with the ex. Be strong xx

And Crimson - big hugs cos I don't know what else to say. You were really nice to me last night. Have the shredded remains of my blanket - they're comfy xx

Hope everyone else is okay. I'm still feeling wired, like I might explode if anyone gets too close. Time to sleep.

*HUGEST MOST LOVING SUPPORTIVE GROUP HUGGLE EVER!!!*

Wow, it seems everyone is in need of some tlc - remember its ok to take time out for yourselves and make yourself the number one priority....so my councellor told me and I have on a post it note on my mirror to remind me!

Had weird day, went to see a friend who's younger sister tried to kill herself a few weeks ago. She didn't seem to have much sympathy for her which crushed me, cos I thought well how would she react if I ever tried that again?! How selfish a thought is that, when obviously her sister is struggling?!

I also thought that I should go to my GP to get my meds reduced as I noticed I wan't as obsessive compulsive anymore and that felt weird to me...but how mental is that, missing being obsessive compulsive?!

I just have to remind myself its PMDD time, so I'm going to have irrational thoughts...they are just thoughts...it does not make them true....they do not need to be acted upon....I love my post it notes!

Yay I got a blanky! :)
Resisting the urge to roll myself a cigarette...im a dancer must not smoke...
Life sucks.
I vote we all find a hairbrush and dance around to Spice Girls songs!

*sighs*

Sorry have been MIA for a bit... things haven't been the best. Thinking of you all though :) and missing you...

Hayley, you play WoW too? which side? and what toons do you have? :D (I could talk WoW for hours... lol - that's so sad)

I am so tired. Well, groggy really. I took a nap this afternoon and just didn't want to get up afterwards, was so comfy just lying in bed. Gahhh. But I got up and had a little bit of caffeine (i.e., 2 sips of diet Mountain Dew, as too much makes me VERY anxious)... that seemed to help.

Am struggling with wanting to cut/purge and don't know what to do. I also am not having much luck with schoolwork, which is awful... updated my r/v thread if anyone wants to take a look. :( No particular triggers in that update I don't think.

*group cuddles*

Schoolwork....pffff...

Theres always tomorrow!(thats what im telling myself!)

Yes but I am in my senior year & NEED to get this senior seminar paper started, as it's due in less than a month!! *minor(ish) freakout* :(

And there are only 3 more days after today of spring break... so yeah.

WoW is so much fun though... *whinges* Heh... :(

And I am freaking WARM in here... southern side of the apartment right against the wall. No fan going. It's hot in the room, doesn't help that I'm wearing sweats.

*hides*

Sweats are comfy though!
I want my pyjamas!
I was sick last two days so completely failed to hand my assignment in today...
How much work you gotta do,what u studying?

Sweats are comfy, which is why I am wearing them. :D Jeans are torture... lol.

I am studying psychology. :) I love it... but it can be a bit much at times. Triggering classes etc.

Am so anxious right now... :( My husband wanted to go out to eat tonight but I can't leave the apartment - why? - because am too anxious!!!! I texted my NP to let her know & also took another mg of Klonopin (clonazepam)... so hopefully that'll kick in soon.

Just want to curl up & sleep for hours... I am so tired. :( Hubby took tomorrow off though so that'll be nice... will get to hang out with him and just enjoy my last weekday of spring break. Hopefully the weather will be nice... so we can go for a walk etc. :)

*cuddles all*

*hides shaking in corner* this too much for him, the stress the waiting, can't deal with it

i think i am going to do the IOP.
i need encouragement. i don't know.

*hides in corner*

*Great big group hug*

I really might try and avoid The Simpsons as it's having such a negative effect on me from time to time .

I am drained this morning , I have to meet up with my social worker in an hour and 15 mins . I just want to go back to bed :( . I am at my parents for the weekend for mothers day so I won't be here as much until Monday which is freaking me a little as I feel I need the support but I'll cope .
I caved in to the urges and harmed last night , I am just so fed up with this I 've been doing it for over half my life:( I just want it to go away....

Thanks for the words of encouragement and support everyone.

Quiet1 - I think that if I were you I would jump for the chance to do IOP. It's "only" a week so you wouldn't miss too much at work and might get a lot out of it. Please give it a shot, love... I remember you posting about how much you are struggling, and posts like that are fine... I just want you to take care of yourself the best you can, and I think that IOP is the best thing for you now. *gentle cuddles*

Mark, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low. :( Best of luck with meeting with your social worker - can you let us know how it goes? *cuddles* And I'm also sorry about the SI... please take care of the wound and make sure that it doesn't get infected - I know that you know this, just wanted to make sure. *more cuddles* Hang in there... things WILL be okay.

How is everyone else doing this morning? ♥ *cuddles all*

*big hug for everyone*

My Social worker appointment was short , he just wanted to touch base he said , I was honest with him and he is coming by next week , I dread meeting with him sometimes , I don't know what to say to him . My houseing support worker is coming by at 1pm to sort out the energy company demanding details and that huge bill thats not mine.

Seems I've screwed up again.
Die.

I'm driving my husband mad with my anxiety and anxious breathing. I feel so awful about it, he logged off WoW and left the room because of me, but I can't do a damn thing about it. I've already taken my Klonopin and I just want to be ****ing NORMAL... is that too much to ask?! Apparently so...

:crying:

*cuddles April*

It's not your fault darling. Maybe he's easily irritated today and yeah?

*cuddles Helen back*

Yeh it's been a long day for him... long story so I won't go into it here, but drama with a girl he knows - nothing romantic or anything, far from it really, but it was drama and wearying for him. Easily irritated, my anxiety seems to get him every time so maybe it is my fault. :(

Here's a song to cheer everyone up... :P

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1FGaCNN1aw&feature=channel[/ame]

i did it.
i actually signed up. i will be out of work for this coming week. and its only a week long so i think its not too bad.

i am so sorry that i have bitched and complained about everything. i do appreciate the encouragement April. i do want to get better, but i also want to self-destruct.

i hurt myself today. and it felt good. and it felt wrong for it to feel good and so i wanted to do more to punish myself for feeling good. i just want to curl up in a ball and .....

*cuddles everyone*

Not meaning to sound paranoid but I think the local health system is trying to kill me. I spoke to someone from the crisis team today and they told me to call them when there's a problem but that "(they) did not see a necessity for continuous contact at this time". Right when I could be starting to lift from my depression ... one of the most dangerous times ...

*sigh*

*hugs everyone, then disappears into a dark corner*

Sorry to interject again ... :( I just found out that someone I've known my entire life has passed away. .... It doesn't seem fair that she has died (aged ~70) and I'm still alive. :(

*cuddles for all*

Yey for making the decision, quiet1. I think it is a wise one... best of luck - let us know how it goes, okay? I'm sure that you'll be fine; it might be rough at first but you can handle it. I've never been in IOP but I've been in IP and res, so I understand kind of the way it works. More story behind that but I won't go there for now. :) How are you doing today?

Kahlia, no worries about "interjecting" ... this is a place where you can speak up when and how you want to. *hugs* I don't understand why the crisis team did that... I don't think that they are trying to kill you, per se, but I do think that they are making some unwise decisions. :( I'm sorry to hear about that person in your life... that must hurt so badly. I wish I could do something to help... is there anything? *offers more cuddles*

I'm doing alright... better than last night, which is good... got up at 5:20am after sleeping restlessly after 4am. Am tired. We played WoW for awhile and are now going to get breakfast... I have no idea what I'll have. My brain is tired from the bingeing urges I had last night before bed... was already full but wanted to eat and eat and eat... how I HATE the BN stuff. :(

I have - HAVE - to do schoolwork today - no ifs, ands, or buts about it. :( I am so behind; it's awful. I feel so stupid for putting stuff off this long but I ****ing needed a break from uni and thinking about assignments and exams and such. :(

I just want to die, is that too much to ask? :crying:

*curls up and rocks*

*holds Helen and rocks with her* What's up, sweetheart? ♥

:'( I want everything to be okay. It was getting better. But it's all ****ed up again. Why? :'( Just found a thread I made this morning. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. I want my best friends. One is/was upset with me. Again my fault. The other is really struggling, and think she was going to do something bad. But hopefully has seen whoever she was seeing today :'( She's not replied back to my late reply :/ Can't text my other best friend, well I could, but she hasn't text me so far, so am still sticking with giving her space. I can't cope. Why do I have to keep ****ing everything up :'( I woke up and was pure gutted. Half wanted to stop breathing whilst asleep....

Hey ScarlettDreamer,
how was you day?I have college all weekend....exciting..Wow,I don't think I could study that,interesting as hell but not for me!!I'd probably drive myself crazy!
Anyone doing anything nice this weekend?

*Pops in and leaves hugs for you all*
Sorry for the short post I'm severly triggered but can't get the privacy here at my parents to S.I. , I've been comfort eating recently and I've put on weight I just feel crap . I just had coffee with my best friend / girlfriend which has helped talking to her but now I feel un-safe ( is that the right word ? ) again .

can i please admit myself to the ward?? NHS are crappy, i OD'd thursday. saw someone from the barnes unit (who was supposed to decide whether i was safe enough to go home) and i told her al my plans for my next OD, and yet, she said i was perfectly safe to go home! uuuuuuuh. WHAT???!!! theyre useless, although the hospital is good...................

*Hugs Nicole* please don't OD , stay safe .

Nicole, sadly it happens too regularly. Please try keep safe sweet *cuddles*


Really want to die, then it'll stop hurting, stop all the uncertainty? :'(

Awh Nicole, that sucks!! *hugs* I hope that you don't OD... it's not wise at all... and I agree, the NHS is AWFUL for letting you go home after you told her what you planned to do. :( Please try & take care of yourself the best you can... I'm here if you ever need/want to talk.

Mark, I'm sorry that you're triggered... how are you feeling now?

I'm not doing too great myself, really anxious and all... it sucks. :( I don't know what to do about it... and I need - NEED - to get some schoolwork done but my brain totally doesn't seem to be functioning on that level. :crying:

I don't know what to do. :(

*hides*

I'll just continue to be invisible, it's for the best =D
I'll just not talk, can't **** up that way.

*hides in the denial tent and cries*

Hugs Mammamia and April*
I'm sorry we are all struggling , maybe it will be better tommorow .I'm sorry I don't have any great insight .
I'm triggered and tired I don't knw how to feel just all high-pitched mentally , I don't know how else to describe it.

*cuddles Helen and Mark* I'm sorry that we're all in such bad states today... :( Wish I could do summat about it.

I'm really tired. Just want to sleeeep... :( Took a nap earlier but it was only for a bit and I didn't really sleep, too keyed up from anxiety.

I really need to get this outline done, even if it's rubbishy, but it's so damn confusing!!! :crying:

*hides in a dark corner of the denial tent*

Everyone's awfully sad!
*cue PrincessSparkle breaking into a tap routine and making everyone laugh*

No-one OD please it is really really horrible!( I havnt done it but know someone who did and the anxiety and stress and scared...if she ever does it again...I dont wanna live through that again!)
Did you get your outline done?
xxxx