Hope counselling goes well, Heather.

I am better than yesterday. Last night was just a really bad night for me.

Another difficult day to get through.

*hugs for everyone*

Lindsay - I'm not sure. I have rapid cycling bipolar and haven't had an "episode" in a long time, so I guess it was due to rear its ugly head. Doesn't make it any less awful though.

I'm scared the counsellor's going to hate me or judge me, maybe he'll even have me locked away :eek:

Shannon, i'm glad you're doing better. Did anything trigger the bad time you had last night? Is there anything you can put in place to try and stay ok?

Jamie, i'm sorry things are tough. What normally helps you through?

beautydylan, what would you like us to call you? I saw that your username is comprised of two of your cats names. Counsellors are trained to be non-judgemental and respectful. I have had counselling in the past and whatever I said I never felt like I was being judged. Counsellors generally don't have the powers to hospitalise people but they can talk to your doctor or someone else if they're worried about you. But professionals tend to want to do all they can to keep people out of hospital.

I usually get called BD on the forums I've got this username, but thinking of changing my username because my username itself can trigger me (depending on how I'm feeling when I come online)

counseling was tiring ><
and i have a headache but going to see my brother's band perform at the racetrack in NJ, so i kinda hafta go xD

hows everyone?

Headache + band doesn't sound like a good combination!

:) Yeah, yesterday was the birthday of the person that abused me as a child and because no one in the family knows, they talked about it and really bothered me.

had a strange time now. talking to some ppl on irc. then someone mentions lithium and my brain instantly thinks about the razor ontop of the mirror in the bathroom. that made me stand at a crossroad im my mind. about wheter i should cry/do it/ go outside/ sit in a corner/ or just. i cant sleep it off. SOMETHING IS BOTHERING ME. and i dont know what. i want lithium. i cant drink cause i get all schizo from the drugs i get from the doctor. i get them at 21:00pm then around 22:00 i get all weird and spiky and uncomfortable like the only thing i want is sleep and food. i dont need all that just cause he designed the way i should feel about/when i take the drugs.
and im still in this circle in my head that no one wants me something. my dad = distant, my mom = distant, my sisters = distant entire relativity = distant. then i start to listen to lithium or any other song of evanescence and i get withdrawed/displaced and i live this fantasy in my head that maybe one day when i get my real thoughts back im gonna show you wtf it means to care about someone that you overlooked so many times it hurts so ****ing bad in someones heart to just throw it away and then looking back at it and thinking that it didnt matter and just moving on from a family to a deserted life of non existant relations wich really put someone off in a really weird way. kinda just want to vibe it off but i cant cause the annoying parts are still gonna be there. like ppl around me. to close to distant. not worth having a talk with me. no one ever talks to me about anything i want to talk about to get it out. this whole life i have is ****ing depressing. i got no one to talk to that i want to talk to that would understand. but they wont understand cause they just want to talk so that i get better without caring about that i never had a family. i felt something today like i was on drugs. but the medicine they give me dont help me by getting me drugged like it always had given me. druggy feeling. morning night morning night. i should just run away. take my razor and run. but if i run in my mind i may bump into something i wont want to meet. still with no friends. ppl coming by me and asking if i want hash or pot or drink with them. i cant do hash cause if i do its the last step towards psychosis again, pot i cant smoke cause i dont want to invade myself. and if i drink i'll probably resemble my dad too much wich i dont want just as i dont wat along with the meds i get. stupid. i had real life friends like online friends i had when i was in highschool when i was self injuring all the time. but they never called me. i had too many thoughts about ppl i talked to dying. i tried calling some of real life ppl but always wrong number then i get scared of what if they are mad at me. like they dont want to talk to me. right now my life is ****ed up. cause everyday i realise something new something better about everything hoping that it'll be better the next day. i havent self injured for a really long time now like couple months. and i have only thought about it a few times since then. maybe its just building up for next time i get impulsive. when can i have a normal life like..? im soaked in missery just like my parents wanted. is it now i go missing all of a sudden? no one would care. not even the voices in my head.

"I used to self harm" - these are the words of denial
You are never cured, there is no past
Only an ongoing cycle of fighting
Fighting battles which rage inside your head.

People like me just struggle along in silence
Hoping and praying that the overwhelming darkness
Will allow us to fight for survival
Before consuming us all like lost souls.

I'm not proud of what I've done
These scars are the price I'm paying
For never having the strength to speak out
To fight the fears and frustrations.

I wish life was different
That I'd never picked up that knife
But deep down I know I have to keep fighting
Even if it's just to see what another day holds.

*sits and hides in a dark corner* someone wake me when this hell is over please... I can't take the uncomfortable silence in my house!

*cuddles gently*

*Huggles Kelly*

*Hugs Heather*

*Squishes al my wardies*

hugs everyone

hugs all around

*joins in the group hug*

Sick of having to pretend I'm okay, I feel like I'm on the verge of relapse.

=[ *sits with*

*curls up yawning*
i going to boston pride :D on friday ^.^
38 dollars for round trip bus tho o.O

Tryin

solo <3333333.
*waves at*