hey everyone, sorry I havn't been around the internet is still not sorted at my new flat, but it should be done tomorrow (I hope anyway)

How is everyone? *cuddles for all who want them*

I'm not doing to good, told my counsellor about my suicide plan as I have a date and now I'm angry with myself for telling her as she has to ring my GP and they will put in place things to stop me.
I also got homophobically abused in the toilets in town today, so I feel pretty ****. plus I have some weird head and faceache thing which is making me feel dizzy and faint.

I'm sorry Oliver .
**** homophobics to hell though. Rise above mate.don't bring yourself to their level , everybody has the right to love whom they choose , Seriously.

*hugs Oliver* sorry about the homophocibs. They are just some dumb asses who are very close minded (opposite of open minded).
*hugs Mark*

I just made the huge mistake and googled the numbers that my T wrote as my diagnosis.
Oh... and I just lost about my iPod, or it got stolen. I don't know yet.

*hugs everyone*

*hides under ward bed and cries* :crying:

*hugs MJ* how are you?

* in corner crying her eyes out*

I asked my therapist over an email what he saw when he looked at me. i was just wondering cause i see a horrible person and he says he doesnt. so i asked what he did see.. this is what he said...:

copy of his email : When I look at you I see a female Caucasian in her early to mid-thirties who's of average height; weighs more than is healthy for her; is dressed in a work uniform (because you usually are when you come here), disheveled (not neat and tidy), and unkempt (hair uncombed and often unwashed); walks with her shoulders bowed and eyes on the ground and makes poor eye contact (indicating a poor self-concept, that is, your idea of who you are, and low self-esteem, that is, how well you like who you think that you are); and who hardly ever speaks and when she does speaks so softly that she's hard to understand (again indicating a poor self-concept and low self-esteem).


this was a week ago that he wrote it.. i have been soo upset because one i shower every morning and keep myself clean. Ive talked to him many times about how i never feel clean enough and i sometimes take 2 or 3 showers a day. but at least one every morning no matter how depressed i am.. i can not go with out one. which is an arguement between my husband and i all the time which my therapist and i have talked about many times too.. and for him to say that has hurt me more then what anyone in my life before has done. i trusted him with so much stuff. and its like he completely torn me down when i thought he was suppose to help me.. i feel so betrayed..

am i wrong in my feelings?

ive emailed him back saying all this to him and asking him about it.. he still hasnt responded to me and its been a week.

i wish if he didnt want to see me no more he would have just said that or at least explain to me why.....? what did i do..?

i really really dont feel safe now......

*hugs Michelle*

*Hugs Oliver* I'm sorry about the homophobic comments you got

*Hugs Mark*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Michelle*

*Hugs MJ*

*hugs Ian*

Is there anyone here who dissociates sometimes? I experienced something strange and I'm wondering if I dissociated or if it was something else.

*stand proud* my coworker just called me a bleeding heart. I refuse to take that as a bad thing! I found an abandoned bamboo plant that was dying in an empty office it had no water and the vase it was growing in was full of green slime. I took it to the break room and dumped all the stones out and cleaned the vase, stones and plants (3 sprouts) then reassembled it and put it in my office :) Oh and trimmed off all the dead parts... It's pretty snazzy now.

*hugs everyone* Sorry no individuals at the moment. I've been struggling quite a bit lately so I've just been reading but not commenting :/ I did want to say the above out load though in a manner of speaking.
*loves my wardies*

*hugs Crimson* I would take it as a compliment.

I'm going to bed now. It's late here.

*hugs ward*
I hate nights... and being in pain....

*hugs all*
good morning

*Hugs Laura* I hope you find your ipod hun .

*Hugs MJ*

*Hugs Michelle*

*Hugs Ian*

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Felicia*

*hugs felicia*
*hugs mark*

how are you today?

*signs the vistors book and drops a tray of cookies for all*

*hugs Jetforce* how are you?

Not sure yet Laura . . . .Thing about S.I. while was still in my bedroom :/

*Hugs JetForce and nabs a cookie* :)

*hugs mark* I hope the day turns out good for you.

I wish my mind would slow down a bit. I can't focus on a thought.
Then when I get asked something and answer my sister keeps questioning the truth of the answer and I start to yell at her. I don't want to yell, but my mind is so busy that I can't fight the yelling.