I like yours Sarah :) It's pretty and classy.

I'm going to bed soon, so night guys xxx

G'Night Hels!

Night Helen *cuddles* :) xx

I'm back...meh... -hugs ward- -melts into the magical corner-

Anyone around?

kinda sorta, Kitty. What's up?

I just feel like ****. -shrugs- I called my gma earlier (my biological gma) to ask her a question before my counseling appointment. I told her I had to go because of my appointment and before I hung up with her she begged me not to cut. I hadn't said anything about going to cut or anything but she started begging and pleading for me not to. I felt so bad because I ended up cutting last night. I want to stop, but I don't have control anymore. I don't control the blade...the blade controls me...and so does she... (not my gma)

I don't really know I just...I hate myself so ****ing much...

how are you doing crimson?

*hugs Kitty and offers a plushie*
I'm... I dunno.
Sorry I don't think my heads on quite straight right now... was the appointment yesterday? or today?
Have you asked her why she is so angry(i dunno if that's the right word...) to see if you get an answer? Personally I find communication in that situation to work wonders on understanding if not getting back some control.

....damn... i just realized the time... I'm sorry Kitty I have to go :(

-hugs back and accepts the plushie and smiles- thanks

My counseling appointment was today. I can tell my counselor wants me in a hospital, but I can't be in one. Can't afford it, no insurance. I don't get to see her again for like a month.

And my gma isn't mad. I wrote her a letter telling her my story and what I was diagnosed with and stuff...told her I struggle with cutting and have attempted taking my own life. I told her that because I wanted to let her know that I was glad I got to meet her. If I had waited one more day before I sent that letter, I wouldn't have sent it. She just worries about me and stuff.

No one is really mad at me, actually. There's a girl I see and hear that controls me. She is the reason I dissociate. She makes me do things I don't want to do, like cut and stuff. She has been trying to get me to commit suicide a lot lately. She gives me options, you see...she says I have to either cut myself or die. I do want to die, but I don't want to yet because of the holidays and stuff. I don't know, though, she's been growing stronger. I just...I don't know anymore...

-squeezes the plushie- whats going on with you? -looks up at you from the corner-

mmmmk hope you are ok

I should be sleeping, ward. Should be.

-hugs felicia- how are you doing?

I'm alright. Nervous about my finals. Nervous about going home. Nervous about the snow...

Maybe I'm just a bundle of nerves.

-offers felicia a teddy to cuddle and snuggle with and sits next to her-

Yeah, I know how you feel. I hope you do well on your finals. I'm sure you will do fine. Is there anything you can do to settle the nerves a little?

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Sarah*

*Hugs Helen*Whats up hun?

*Hugs Kitty*

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Ian*

How is everyone this snow-filled morning ?

-hugs mark back- how are you doing?

I'm feeling okay, yet to be properly caffeineated though so only half awake :P . I'ts positivly white outside , I could hear something that sounded like someone shoveling snow whilst in bed but WOWSERS theres a lot .I wonder if my worker made it into town today:S . It's cold inside my flat so I put on the heating. *Hugs Kitty* How are you ?

glad you are doing ok. I am watching a chick flick: sisterhood of the traveling pants, and playing doctor on myself. Took my sleeping pill so I should be passing out soon after the movie (which only has like 30 minutes left of it). So glad I don't have plans tomorrow...means I will get to sleep in. Hopefully I will never wake up again.

I have realized that my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder is wrong...I have schizophrenia, which makes me just like my biological mom and other biological family, and it sucks. royally. Can't talk to my doctor about it until January now...joy..