*hugs everyone*

I don't want to play this game anymore ....

*sits in a dark corner and rocks back and forth hoping that she can hold off the tears and that she will just disappear into nothingness*

*cuddles Kahlia & Sparkle* Thanks for the tap routine, Sparkle, it was cute. ;)

Kahlia, I'm sorry that you're still feeling like ****... is there anything, anything at all that I/we can do to help?

Sparkle, how are you doing? :)

I'm... okay. Still really stressed out about schoolwork and also I want to cut... not a good combination. Uni has been REALLY bad for that in the past few years, always have wanted to cut or scratch when I think about deadlines etc. :( It's awful. Torture. I am so so SO thankful that this is my last semester!!!

Figured out the online refill system thingy yesterday, since insurance is REFUSING to pay for meds anymore unless I do it that way. :( It makes me aaangry... but there's not a thing that I can do about it. Grrrr!!! :( Well, kind of figured it out. Still need to learn a bit more about it. *sigh*

Just want to go to bed... daylight savings time was last night/this morning (whichever you prefer to call it) and so we stayed in bed until 7am... unheard of for us, heh. :) It was nice although we both got sore from sleeping too long.

I think I'm going to go listen to Plumb and eat breakfast... and do schoolwork... :(

*hides*

I'm having trouble communicating how I feel.
I feel Down
Alone
Triggered
Disgusting
and I know I know the word that perfectly sums up how I feel I just can't seem to summon it.It's frustrating :S
*Leaves hugs for Kahlia , Sparkle and April*
*Retreats to a dark corner and settles in for the night*

*cuddles everyone*

Hope we're all feeling better, even if only a little???

I'm not. I'm feeling worse, & so is my husband. :(

It's been a rough day.

So ****ing triggered right now.

*cuddles April* Hope you managed to stay safe sweetheart

*cuddles everyone else & hides in the denial tent*

Just need to deny that immense amounts of **** is occuring :'(

*cuddles everyone*

I just wanted to share with everyone that I'm feeling just a little bit better. I think the Topamax is starting to work.

April - *hugs you* uni deadlines are always hard darl. Is it you who likes Superchick? I really like their song Bowling Ball.
Mark - *hugs you* I hate it when I can't find the words I'm looking for
Helen - *hugs you tightly* Sorry, I don't have any words, just lots of hugs

*hugs everyone again, then settles down in the dark*

*cuddles Helen* I hope that you manage to stay safe, too, love. Care to talk at all about what **** is going on? You can always, always PM me. :)

*cuddles Kahlia* So glad to hear that you're starting to feel better!! :D Wonderful news. :) I definitely hope that the Topamax is helping. And yeh, it's me that like Superchick... "Bowling Ball" is indeed rather a funny song. Makes my husband laugh every time (he sings along, which I find totally hilarious!! :P). A good online friend introduced them to me in 2005 and I got to see them in concert in 2006. It was pretty awesome.

*cuddles everyone else* ♥

is so anxious he feels sick, is shaking, can hardly breathe, is crying. can't handle this, sorry *goes to hide in a dark corner*

*cuddles everyone*

Kahlia, I am SO happy to read that post.

April, I may have to take you up on your offer xx

Sorry I don't have it in me today for individual replies just * hugs for everyone*

I'm so anxious , my hands were shaking , less so now I've taken a Diazapam , Still triggered though , ugh .

*cuddles Doikers*

Arrrrgh!!! :'( Please *hides in the denial tent*

Thanx for the cuddles Helen (it's Helen right ?)
*Hugs Helen back*

It is indeed Helen =)
*cuddles you some more*
You still feeling anxious?

Yes I'm still anxious but not as bad as before so thats a plus , I have to go meet with my nurse any minute now, nervous about that , plus my housing support worker was supposed to come to visit me over an hour and a half ago and didn't show , never mind.

*Hugs Helen back *

Hello there my fellow inmates :) *GROUP HUGGLES*

I was busy past few days, still PMDD'in. Wishing I could have a pj day today but I seriously need to get my arse in gear and go visit my best mate soon as its her little boys 10th birthday today and I can't let him down.

Busy with 3 other birthdays this week too. My partner and two of my sisters. This week always drains me, I dread it when I know I should be happy for them all. oh well. I shouldn't complain, its nothing huge really is it? Far worse things, I just need to get a grip of myself and put things into perspective....

*goes out to smoking shelter*

*cuddles Oliver, Helen, Mark, and Hayley*

Sorry that you're so anxious, Mark... did the housing support worker ever show up? and how did the meeting with your nurse go? I hope that s/he had something useful to say to help you... *hugs*

*squishes Helen* What's up, love? Read your r/v thread and I wish I could do something... remember, feel free to PM!! :) ♥

*hugs Hayley* What does PMDD stand for again? I have an idea but I don't want to sound like an idiot so I won't post it... lol. :) I could Google it I suppose... hehe. Some people make big deals out of birthdays (like me), others don't (like my husband, lol) - it doesn't really matter. Three birthdays in one week has got to be tiring... wow. I'm lucky that my family's birthdays are all spread out (hubby = January, dad = February, mum = August, sister = December - and me = June). Aaanyway... sorry for the waffling!! :o

I'm really tired... ugh. I wish that I had stayed in bed until 6am or so... feel jet-lagged from the lack of sleep due to my husband tossing and turning last night, as well as the time change... yuckie. *sigh* Got up at 5am instead... silly me... which used to be really 4am... no wonder I'm tired. I've got what I call "grocery bags" under my eyes (back when the Walmart bags were blue - anyone remember those days?)... and my eyelids are all puffy and nasty looking. It looks like I haven't slept in days. Heh.

Anyway.

Night Falls Fast is a good book... *random* ...but not for the easily suicidally triggered person. It's about "understanding suicide" and I'm reading it for my senior sem paper (got the outline done!! :D kind of anyway... really rough one, but at least I cranked SUMMAT out...)... very well written. It's by Kay Redfield Jamison, who wrote Touched by Fire and An Unquiet Mind, both about bipolar - which she has. I love her books... first read Touched by Fire in 2005 or so I think...

Well, hugs to the lurkers... Crimson, I see you!! :D

Thats great that you got your outline done , I know how stressed you have been about it , way to go April :). I want to read Night falls fast but right now would class myself as the very easily triggered type :( ( which is no fun )
The meeting with my detox-nurse went well but was EXHAUSTING I almost broke down in front of her , she is going to take my bloods and blood pressure tomorrow and then I can go back on the Antabuse ( Anti alcohol med ) and put the whole "I can drink responsibly" passage of this year behind me hopefully .

and

No my houseing worker never showed * Irritated * I hung around the kitchen window for half an hour looking out for him

*hugs everyone*
How is everyone this morning?
Lolz...
I had almost gotten done catching up when I had to go downstairs and open the front desk :)
I had a pretty productive day yesterday. I made parts of a week of dinners last night (and then froze em) while I put todays dinner in the crock pot and made last nights dinner lol. Hopefully with dinner being easier and less time consuming it'll be a less stressful part of the day. In theory my usually 1 hr plus dinner making will take less than 30 min. Supposedly this 'once a month meals' thing is supposed to work well for people with overloaded schedules like me... we'll see.
And I'm almost done with laundry. That'll be pleasant. But since I don't do more than one load of laundry a day (the stairs to and from the laundry room would kill my knee) it'll be a couple more days... unless I get lazy and procrastinate again. But so far so good today so maybe it'll get done.
*crosses fingers*
Here's hoping for the best today.

*sprays self with pretty smelling stuff so as to not stink of fags!*

*group huggle!!* Hello again....

So, PMDD stands for Pre-Menstrual Disphoric Disorder. Which is basically having usual PMS symptoms but cranked up a few times to go alongside with feelings of lack of self worth and irrational and suicidal thoughts. I get these feelings for the 10days leading up to my period and then during my period they subside. I have about 8days out of a 28day cycle where I get to be 'Hayley-Rose', the rest I'm varying degrees of crazy hayley! Since putting me on super high dose of vit b6, evening primrose oil every day and progesterone for days 19-26 I've been a lot better. I don't cry everyday now and I don't think about throwing myself under every bus I see. I was sooo bad when my partner was in afghanistan in 2008 I was asking for a hysterectomy!!! But apparently I could end up reacting to those hormone changes even worse! Not sure how I'll cope in september when he goes back, but he tells me not to get worked up about it now and we'll figure something out closer to the time.

Good for you April for getting the outline done, sometimes doing that is the hardest part. I ope that you manage to get some more done without it stressing you out too much.

Mark - I'd have been soo irritated too about your housing worker, bloody cheek just not turning up and not informing you. Are you going to make a complaint?! I would...but that's just 'cos I'm in a feisty mood at the mo!

Crimson - you only do one load of laundry a day....you make that sound like a bad thing! I think thats fantastic....as long as you've enough laundry in the household to warrant it of course, lol No point putting on the washing machine with just one set of undies in it! The planning and preparing meals sounds a fab idea...I sometimes do something similar to help me with my energy levels due to my M.E, cooking can be too much for me.

Helen - I don't know whats going on with you completely, but don't blame yourself for everything. You are a lovely person. Chin up my dear. *special squishes*