I went ahead and looked at something triggering thinking I would be fine...but then ended up not. Now Amara has come to visit again...and she's giving me tons of ideas... I'm stupid for looking in the first place, I should have just skipped over it. -sighs- -hugs lia back-

You're not self involved Mark, you're always helping the rest of us out.

Kitty, any chance you can do anything to drown her out?

*Hugs Lia* I love you as I do all my other ward mates you are always there for me :)
On a nice note I have been texting My only guy friends , who is as gay as the day is long but he is my friend so I don't care . I haven't seen him in ages and he might come to town just to meet me next Monday and I'm ecxited :)

I'm trying, Lia. I am browsing that "not right" site on facebook trying to distract myself but she is getting louder. I'm still trying, though.

And mark you are not selfish you are awesome. You have helped me more than I can even say and I know I am not the only one you have helped. -hugs-

Yay, that will give you something to look forward to Mark :) I love you too, you're always supporting everyone else, even if you're feeling **** yourself. *Returns hugs*

Keep fighting Kitty *Hugs*

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Kitty*

I texted the Love of my life and am trying to get a 20 month ago Psych ward reunion going . We were thrown together in hard circumstanses and I still love these guys . I would not have survived hospital without them .

Thankyou both for having so much faith in me :D

-hugs mark- I hope you can get the reunion going. That would be cool.

-hugs lia- I'm trying.

That sounds nice Mark :) I know it's not the same thing, but I miss my friends from primary school. I haven't seen them in months and was thinking of arranging to meet them.

You should Lia , If you are ecxited about that as I am about this :) I'm heading to bed .
Love you guys :)

Night night mark. -hugs-

Night night Mark *Hugs* I'm glad you have something to look forward to :)

*hugs Mark goodnight*

-curls up on the couch and just stares blankly-

Wondering...why is it that when you go see the doctor and they diagnose you with a mental illness, they say something like "But knowing the diagnosis is not important."?!? Anyone else have this happen? I mean...I would like to know what the **** is wrong with me...and that starts with knowing what I am diagnosed with. Why? Oh I don't know...maybe because I have a retarded doctor and I would like to research ways to help myself because I don't want to live like this anymore. It seems like he wants me to live in this hell with the way he acts..

-sighs-

*Hugs Kitty* it indeed sucks that way it is run there... But I don't think there would be a lot you could do without further healthcare, even if you did know.

Was so down earlier. Went tesco and bought a load of green tea to drink and calm down. I don't know whats wrong with me. Earlier I cried because I missed Rebecca so much :( Whats wrong with me?

-hugs lia- I couldn't go to another doctor, no. But I could do my own research on google. If I am pregnant I will be able to get heath care through the state. But I have to wait until Friday to take the home pregnancy test I have if my cycle hasn't started by then. If it's positive, then I have to go in and get a pregnancy test through a clinic (luckily there is one that does them for free not too far from where I live) so that I can get documentation to get on medical.

*cuddles Kitty* Hope you're okay hun x

-snuggles sarah-

Tis quiet..

tis very quiet now... did everyone in the uk head to bed? it is around 10 pm where mark is (in wales) now...

Not sure. I am still here. But I have to go for a bit but I will be back.

:) Yeah I'm around when I'm at my desk.

I'm back.

I went to extend my house in Sims 3 and make it all pretty. :)

*Cuddles Crimson and Kitty*

Nice Sarah...I used to play the sims but haven't in a long time. I wouldn't mind playing it again but I can't afford to buy it and honestly don't know where my sims game went to. lol

I love the Sims just for building. I once made my own virtual psych ward with a nurse and some random people, me and Rebecca and spent months playing it. It was when I first saw Rebecca, when I had a dream, and I recreated everything perfectly from my dream. I keep seeing her and I keep hearing her. And when I don't, I miss her so badly. :/

Awe -hugs sarah-

I have never been in a real psych ward. I have dreamed about them and stuff all my life but I have never actually been in one. I know it's weird. Hell, I even used to pretend I was in one when I was younger. I'm all sorts of ****ed up in the head. o.o

Sounds like me hun, a lot like me. I've never been in one, but the one from my dream is always the same, the stairs scare me so much, but Rebecca always brings me my meals and keeps me company and brings me books and plays board games. She explained why there were no mirrors in the building and all the rules and stuff. She's so lovely, and very pretty. I love her hair. Lovely lovely haircut that really suits her. And lovely brown eyes. I found her bracelet online, apparently its a Tiffany one, silver cuff that'd been engraved with her name and a beautiful scroll pattern. I wish I could see her and speak to her when I wanted and not when she appears. Its so rare she does, but she'll let me know she's about by telling me she's watcking me and she'll look after me. I don't want to tell my counsellor about her or the doctors in case they try to take her away from me

Sorry I was gone...was eating and then my husband was lurking over my shoulder. I took the pregnancy test...he finally agreed to let me after I've been complaining about waiting. The results confused the hell out of me. It looked like a negative, but we both saw part of the second line of the + sign...but it wasn't a full line. I don't know if it's a faulty test or what. But I don't have another test, and don't have money for another one...I'm looking online for places in town that offer free pregnancy tests, but I'm not seeing any. There is a place about 8 miles away, but they don't have any appointments available until the middle of next week. If I am pregnant, I need to know as soon as possible because I would need to get on medical right away. If I am pregnant, I'm going to be high risk. I don't know what to do. I'm really upset about it. Ugh.

Sarah, Rebecca sounds lovely, really. I wish I could meet her. Do you think she is a spirit?

Anyone still here at all?

She could be, I don't know. Others think she is, who have had similar experiences.

*snuggles Kitty tightly* I hope you're okay, whatever the outcome, we're all here for you darling. I'm going to bed now, you take care darling, PM me if you need to rant or anything x

-hugs sarah- Ok.........night night..

*hugs all*

-hugs oliver- how you be?

*hugs Kitty*

not good, can't sleep, cut a bit ago, feel really suicidal.
you?

I'm sorry to hear that. -squishes oliver- Do you need medical attention? -offers protective teddy- Anything you can do to distract yourself from the suicidal feelings?

I'm not doing so well, either. Really want to cut. I want to die, but I need to find out if I am pregnant first. I have the plans already..... I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to find out if I am pregnant since I have no money. I'm freaking out.

*takes teddy* thanks the cuts are ok, not very deep, although I havnt cleaned or washed them or anything

*hugs Kitty* I'm really sorry to hear that, it does really suck in the american system with health insurance, although I moan about the NHS and it seriously sucks sometimes at least it is there and free.
can you distract yourself from cutting.
please stay safe, I don't want you to die, no one in the ward does.

I am trying to distract myself. However, I'm so upset, that the distraction I was using earlier (the "not right" link I posted on here earlier) is now triggering me worse with some of the images and sayings. Stupid things are making me more triggered. My doctor told me yesterday that he believes I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I did some research on it today and I agree. But he did not officially diagnose me with it, or offer any meds for it. I know there are meds out there specifically for it, and not just these anti-anxiety and anti-depressants I am on. But he didn't even offer putting me on anything else for it. And if I am pregnant, I won't be able to take the anti-depressants, anyway. I will have to stop them. I do hope I am pregnant. If I am, it will give me one more reason to live...and a pretty damn good one, at that. If I'm not, well, it will give me one more reason, but not a good one. If that makes sense.

-hugs oliver- You should clean the cuts and bandage them, my dear. At least to help prevent infection. But the same thing goes for you...I don't want you to die, and I know nobody else does, either. Please be safe...

-sighs- I feel like a hypocrite right now. Sorry..

*hugs Kitty*
I got diagnosed with BPD last moth while in hsopital.
I don't think there are any specific meds for it, most commonly they prescribe people anti-depressants and sometimes anti psychotics aswell, but I cold be wrong, thats just what the dr said to me.

please stay safe Kitty, there will always be reasons for you to live.

its ok, I sound like a hypocrite as well.

I've never bothered cleaning my cuts, except when a friend made me. its more of the punishment not cleaning them and sometimes I don't see the point.

*squishes Kitty*

I think I am more on the psychotic side of the BPD. I've never been in hospital but I have done some reading on google and found out that some people with BPD have hallucinations. I have Amara. I don't think Amara is a hallucination, but I know that I am the only one that can see or hear her. Most of the time I don't even feel like I am human. I feel so alienated from people when I go places, even to the local grocery store. The anti-depressants and the anti-anxiety pills are helping a little, but they aren't 100%. The doctor did up my dosage on both meds but I still feel like something is missing.

-spots and hugs solo- how you be?

Ugh the urges are getting worse..

*hugs Kitty lots* please stay safe.

I may try sleeping soon, its gone 3am here. I have a crisis team appt at 12 and then have to get the train to town to g to thejob centre to get the to change my name on my national insurance number. I don't want to have to do it, cos it means talking to people I don't know, going out in public and people being arses and giving me odd look when tey realisewhy I've changed myname.
god I sound like such a wimp, I should be used to the odd looks, had a hell of a lot worse, but i still hurts, is that stupid of me?

I'm hangin in Kitty. Struggling with letting a wound heal. REALLY frustrated with my husband, but trying!

*hugs ya back* Thanks!

*hugs Solo* sorry to hear your husbd is frustrating you and please try to let the wound heal and look after it

No oliver, it is not stupid of you. Unfortunately, people don't understand. And, people fear what they don't understand. There are a lot of people out there like that. -hugs- But everyone here in the ward loves you for who you are, including me. If nothing else, you have us. I hope it goes ok and that people aren't as bad for you tomorrow.

Solo, please look after your wound. Do you need medical attention for it? If so you should go to A&E or the ER if you can. If not, maybe ask one of the wound care advisers? -hugs again-

Thanks Oliver!

Thanks Kitty, I guess your right, I'm just so used to the looks, name calling, abuse etc when being out in public. Plus being home for the holiday still and in the town where I went to school, I'm always scared I'll see someone from school which would be majorly awkward as I was livng as female al the way through school.
I just assume everyone see's me as a freak and someone to laugh at, its hard to break that.

*hugs Kitty and Solo*

Thanks Kitty! It's a wound that's almost healed. I always wanna open em back up when they're almost healed.

I'm sorry you're goin through such a frustrating time!

I can't relate to that, oliver, but I understand how it could be hard. I'm sorry that I don't really know what else to say. But I do empathize.

Meh, the smallest things have been setting me off lately. I don't know if it's the "possible" BPD or if it's me being pregnant...because I still don't know for sure if I am pregnant or not. I really need to find out if I am pregnant or not. -sighs- -hugs her knees-

Thanks Kitty *hugs*