life is falling apart, i cant cope anymore, might have to get extensions for all my work, to sept. had a talk with tutor after tutorial, cos she could see i wasnt good, really stressed and low

*Hugs Oliver* It's ok to ask for extentions if you need them , thats better than letting all your work gang up on you right now , it would help space it out . I hope that makes sense.

I went out and they let me buy some paracetemol and codeine pills , I've took a couple , lets hope they work .
My housing worker took away the E-ON bill to deal with it but they won't talk to him without me being there so it's gonna drag out for another week :(
And ....
I don't know what to do about this phone bill.:(

The pressure is building up inside me , I feel like I'm gonna crack , grrrr

*cuddles Mark* I'm sorry that you are struggling so much right now, what with the stuff in your head, your back pain, and the bills etc. :( That really sucks... I know that "sucks" doesn't truly cover it, but my brain is muzzy and that's the best I could come up with. I hope that things get sorted and sorted quickly so you don't end up getting extremely stressed. *curls up next to*

Just got off WoW again; my rogue is now nearly level 17 thanks to some help from my husband with some quests... :) And I put together a collexion of things I need for senior sem today, which is good - postings that I did online for the class - he wants a hard copy of all of them. So yeah. I think - HOPE - that I did all of them so I can get a full good grade on it... grrrr.

*sigh*

I'm meeting my bestie for lunch at 11:30am... it's coming up quickly, nearly 10am now... and I have to make sure that I'm dressed appropriately for the dinner tonight (scholarship dinner) - I'm currently wearing khakis and a deep purple thermal/hoodie thing that is kinda dressy. However, I have NO idea how dressy I'm supposed to be... :-X GRRRRR again.

Oh, and r/v thread is updated. :-/

*cuddles everyone*

Too late , I'm already stressed , ugh , I've made me some tea,try to calm me , thanx for curling up near me April *HUGS* I'm gonna take a Diaz I think , I think I need it.

Oh and Enjoy your time with your best mate April and don't get too stressed about your scholarship dinner if you can help it :) I KNOW pot/kettle/black hmmm

*eyes pop out of head*
*pokes them back in*

Oh my goodness, there have been 8pages since I went for my nap on monday! Gosh I think I must have got lost down a corridor in the ward for me to miss all that activity going on!!
I've got to leave for a doctors appointment shortly regarding my PMDD - I am telling them that they are putting me on the contraceptive injection to stop my periods. I've had enough of only having 7-10sane days out of each 28. I can't do the emotional rollercoaster and feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness each month any longer. I've HAD IT!!!! (And this is me having a sane rant!!!!)
Anyhoo....just wanted to pop into the main hub of the ward and show my face as I've been hiding the past 48hours....actually I escaped, LOL. After circle on monday night (only shed a few quiet tears this time) I went and stayed at Eoghan's. Today I went from Eoghan's to I've citizens advice, I was there all morning regarding my housing situation and I've got an appointment to see the council about it tomorrow.
Eoghan may not have to be deployed to Afghan in september *jumps for joy* BUT that would only be because he would have accepted a 2year posting to america *selfishly doesn't want him to do either*

As for individual replies and the latest goings on with my fellow inmates, I haven't yet read up on all the posts, that'll have to be put on hold until I return from my GP's this evening. But I'm thinking of you all and sending positive thoughts all of your ways, into every hiding place and corner of the ward.

*group huggles!!!!*

*takes some proplus and prepares for the 30min hobble to the doctors*

*Lends Hayley an arm to hang onto while she hobbles to the Dr's* . You TELL them Dr's what you need , I think it's a perfectly reasonable and sane request *Hugs ya*

*waves madly* anyone about ?
I've also had a letter asking me to contact them about my application for incapacity benefit/ National insurance benefits , it arrived last Friday and said to ring them within 2 days . It's Wednesday now ,I've called 4 times and don't get through , the letter basically wants me to arrange a medical , I am NOT happy about that . I didn't even know I was applying for those benefits :S

ARRGG!!!!

I don't know if I can cope with all this ......

*huggles Mark* thanks for the support. I'm back and now munching on some soup and toast whilst I go back and read through the 8pages of posts I missed. Sorry but I don't have any words of wisdom on the benefits thing, I've got to try and get through to them myself - despite having a medical with them and being signed off until 2014, I've just recieved letter telling me I need to attend a work focused interview!! bloody idiots. *extra huggles for stress they cause us*

I spy a Hayley & an Oliver!! *cuddles*

Just had lunch with my bestie, really didn't talk a lot and I didn't finish my lunch cos I was so anxious. :( I hate being this way, I really really do. It sucks so badly. :(

Wait Hayley, why would Eoghan be deployed to America?? That makes no sense to me, sending UK people over here... :-/ Sorry if I've missed something, it just doesn't seem to be that sensible. But that is better than him going to Afghanistan, isn't it? *cuddles gently* At least he'll be out of the combat zone... but I can understand how stressful and all that would be. *more cuddles*

*cuddles Mark and then remains curled up next to* I hope that you feel better soon - has the diazepam kicked in yet? Please try not to abuse that... I know you wouldn't do it on purpose but it can feel so great to be relaxed and everything, so difficult NOT to abuse benzos. Anyway... uhmm... sorry, can't offer advice on the benefits stuff as I'm not a UK'er. :( Wish I could help more... *offers more cuddles?*

I'm really exhausted... still... I know that I keep saying that, but I am seriously droopy right now. All I want to do is go to bed... but I have two classes and a dinner left and I can't stand it!!! *wants to rip hair out... oh never mind, it's already falling out!!* (why I have no clue :-/ ... a little worrisome ... but anyway)

I had this really weird dream last night about the younger brother of my bestie falling in love with me, and I with him, and with me still married to Jarrod. It was bad... :( I hate dreams like that. More like nightmares... :'( I love Jarrod so so much, it's just that lately with the depression/anxiety, I haven't been FEELING "in love" ... if that makes any sense.

Anyway. Best stop waffling. :'(

*hides in a hole*

*walks in, looks around and waves* hi guys. i made it through cooking today. it was so scary. i managed to get her to agree to letting me keep my jumper on, with my sleeves rolled up, so i cou;d quickly roll them down if i got too uncomfortable. was still scary but not too bad.
*hugs everyone then curls up and has a nap*

*hugs Nicole* Glad you got through the day okay. :D That's definitely a positive. Keep hanging in there... :)

*spies a Crimson, Mark, and Hayley* :D

OMG <a href="http://www.lewhif.com/">this</a> is awesome LOL. Now I want one. Stupid email group...

*Hugs Hayley* Darn that benefits system , so stressful :(

*Hugs April* I'm sorry about your dream , how are you feeling now ?

*Hugs Nicole* Yay you for getting through the cooking class , what did you make? , do you at least get to eat it after all that ?

My Dad popped round unannounced (I hate that) just *Doorbell* and he was there , showed him the phone bill and he totally took over so I'm completly lost now , well I didn't understand any of it in the first place anyway.

With regard the benzo's I have been popping them more than I should , I got so stress because I coulden't cut while my dad was here that I took 2 10mg Diaz , I'm only prescribed 20 a month *sigh*

I need to harm , I'm SO Freaked out I haven't planned out a meal and I usually eat at 6pm which is now , but I eat so much yesterday that some cereal and fruit would be ok today I guess.

I NEED to hurt myself but I am trying so hard not to ......:(

*waves at Nicole, April and Mark* I was trying to get the link to be under the word this in that last past... anyone know how to fix it? :(

*hugs april, mark and crimson* i'm proud of myself for getting through it, but very stressed and triggered. i made 3 different cheesecakes mark, one chocolate, one vanilla. and one lemon. and yes mark, i do get to eat it :D (well, with my mum, brother and sister.

*feels pathetic asking this * Can someone hold my hand please?

*hugs mark and holds his hand* not pathetic hun. we all need a bit of comfort sometimes. whats up?

*holds mark's other hand and sits to listen*

Those sound yummy Nicole. :)

E-ON demanding all that money.
BT stressing me by putting up my Direct Debit by almost £20 a month and I don't know why .
Benefits people sending me confusing letters.
Thats whats up , and I'm scared and confused.
*hugs Nicole and holds her hand*

Sorry this whole thread seems to have been taken up by my complaining and whineing recenlty.
I really want to cut or be out of it so I don't have to think about all this , I don't know if I'm allowed to say what I did:S

*Holds Crimsons hand tight*

they were very yummy crimson :D and mark sweetie, we all have our moments where we take up god know how much space whining, its what this place is for, we just wanna help you get through it. and if you not sure about saying something, it might be better not to, although my PM box is always open. *hugs*

i'm falling apart, tutorial today was bad, usually its me on my own but someone else joined us today, we were in the tutors office, I was shaking like a leaf, I ended up sitting there harming myself to stop myself having a panic attack and walking out, I wasnt concentrating, then at end tutor told other person to go so she could have a chat with me, she just sat there and went your not good are you? it was awful, she said i should think about getting special circumstances, so essays not in until sept, and maybe defer recital as well, but then what do I say to my mum, cant cope, want to die, please can i.
well after tonights concert I can, playing my friends piece which is amazing and have to be in costume as well, but after that can I please just die.

*crawls under the floorboards and crys*

*hugs mark and sits with him since his 2 hands are already taken* I'm sorry that everything is stressing you out so badly. Money stuff is so hard sometimes. Dont feel bad about taking up the ward by complaining.. that is what it is here for.. Its not whining.

*hugs oliver tightly* Im sorry that tutorial was bad. I hate when I feel a panic attack coming on. And not you cannot die, before or after the concert. Hang in there hun. I know its hard. Sorry i dont have more advice *more hugs*

*cuddles everyone else* I'll do more individual replies later. I don't really have the capacity right now. I've got so much stuff to do. Sorry i'm not being very supportive.

*sits in corner with a backpack full of work to do*

*Prizes up a floorboard and hugs Oliver*

Well its taken nearly an hour but I've been all around the ward and caught up on all the latest goings on. Please forgive me for not making individual replies or mentioning names, but there are just soooo many since I replied last time properly that it would take me another hour to type my post!

April, I think it was you who asked about Eoghan. He wouldn't be 'deployed' to America, its a 2year catergory E posting which is to do with their career and he would be the personal driver of some brigadeer man. So a huge difference from being frontline paratrooper. He'd probably end up ebing quite bored, but, its good for his career and he's done 4 desert war tours of duty already since 2003, we really don't want another.... We won't know for a few weeks yet though whether he's definately got it or not....*waits anxiously*

Good news wardies!! *beams* The doctor finally agreed to my demands. Gosh I was shaking and getting an anxious sweat on, but they agreed to me going back on the depo injection. I've got to finish this cycle, which means one more lot of irrational thoughts and desperation, but I just need to keep focused through that and then on monday 17th I can look forward to my sanity returning on a more permanant basis! Whoohoo!! So if that controls the mood disorder, it'll be interesting to see how I am, now that I've been on increased antidepressants and had councelling, with regards to my PTSD etc. Fingers crossed I'll be markedly happier and more stable *crosses fingers*

*huge positive filled group huggles for all her fellow inmates*

I'm going into the tv room to watch 'West Side Story' if anyone wants to join me?

*toddles off humming tune of west side story*

*stops on way to find Oliver under the floorboards and hug him tightly* you cannot die, I won't let you! We'll all help you through this, but an extension definately sounds like a good idea for you as you're struggling so much at the moment.

*continues humming*

*Hugs Hayley* Thats such good news :) Joins you to watch West side Story , I've not seen it before , is it good ?

Yup :D it was made in the 60's but its basically a modern day (well 60's, lol) version of Romeo & Juliet. But different names and its more to do with gangs/culture set in america. I love musical theatre, so love the singing and dancing :)

*gets calorie free popcorn to share with mark and anyone else who may join us*

The Diaz has kicked in , I'm just gonna take a little time over in front of my tv

AAARRGHH im so angry!

Whats up Nicole?

west side story is amazing.

*comes out from under the floorboards, he needs to prepare for his concert now, so no more hiding*
sent an email to teacher to talk about deferring recital, going to talk to her on friday.

*pops in to offer cuddles to all, especially Oliver & Mark, then pops out to head to class*

Thinking of you all... many cuddles & love to each and every one of you!!!! :) I'll be back on later, hopefully, after senior sem... hopefully I won't be feeling like SI'ing in that class due to getting back a bad grade or something... :-S

*hides*

Mark~ It's not whining. And we're here to help :)

Hayley~ if he comes to the US since it isn't a deployment would he be able to bring you with him? Yay on getting your doctor agreeing! Hope it helps. :)

Oliver~ This is going to sound greedy but... YOU CAN NOT DIE ON ME!!!
But on the school work I agree that an extension on you work may be beneficial. It would give you room to breath since you have a lot on your proverbial plate right now.

*hugs Nicole* What happened hun?

*sits to watch west side story*

*hugs everyone*
I'm considering sleeping in the day and staying awake all night just so I can be around when all you guys are :(

*hugs everyone*

Been soooooooooo many posts since this morning.

Hope people are feeling better.

Have had an amazing day with my friend. Already miss her. I kept collapsing though, godamm you fainting!!! Haven't had a bad spell like today for a little while, so was really distressing. Was incredibly dizzy most of the time but she was really good to me ^_^ She even let me talk about stuff, ended up ranting about mh services, oh dear!!! Then gained a nasty migraine, ****ing thing :@ Not-so-nice journey home, battery died before I even left & was just so stressful. I was like if anything happens to me, I hardly have any money && no mobile =/ Luckily I got home in one piece. Even if the bus driver nearly sent me through the window screen. My legs ache sooooooooooooo much. But then again, I did pretty much walk for nearly 12 hours (minis sitting on buses/trains/on the floor/in the pub etc..)

*cuddles everyone again and goes to hide in her hiding space*

Really want my best friends :(

*huggles everyone*

Sorry, too many posts for me to do individual replies - 4 pages since I was in here last night.

Going to try and get some ammo to fight the healthcare battle this morning. Plan A is in progress and we are going to do work to cement it, then work onm Plans B through to E ... and so on. So over all this. :(

*disappears into a corner for a cry*

So tired of fighting.
So exhausted from today, can't sleep yet, my migraine will make it so painful to.
**** this.

*hides again*
I'm actually not going to be able to get through the night without doing something serious, death is the only thing on my mind, I'm scared.

*hugs Oliver* - Is there anyone IRL you can talk to or be with? Can you call a crisis line? I know it's hard, but try to fight it. I wish I could say that it gets easier, but I can't. Maybe even distractions or the 15 second game?

no one I can be with at the moment, I could call the samaritans, but I don't know, dont like talking on the phone, I'm trying distractions, but concentration so bad i cant focus on one thing for that long.
*hides*

I understand where you are coming from with the phones ... I absolutely hate it myself. I wish I could be there with you - It's about 10:20 here which means it's like ~ 1:20 am there? What kind of distractions are you using at the moment? Is anything helping or making it easier? *offers hugs*

*cuddles Oliver* Sorry its not more but dealing with people today is casuing me to be a bit scattered right now.

yeah its about 1.20am here, well at the moment I'm emailing my tutor, but thats taking ages, have to stop every few words and reread it constantly to check its ok, other than that I dont know.

thanks for the cuddles crimson *returns cuddles, then hides again*
sorry I am being so useless.

*sits and holds Oliver's hand for as long as needed, even if its all night*
It's good you're emailing your tutor. *huggles*

thanks crimson
sorry everyone I feel so pathetic in asking for help

*cuddles Oliver* - Asking for help is never pathetic. If you don't feel safe, or able to keep yourself safe, then it is far better to ask for help than to sit alone in the dark (so to speak). How did you go with emailing your tutor? *sits down beside Oliver and settles in for as long as needed*

Hey Crimson, how are you doing? Recovering a bit from your day dealing with people? *huggles you*

thank you for sitting with me guys.
i've sent the email to my tutor, see what she says in morning
*walks around ward to try help distract himself*